from a black woman to another

[BobbiPinsOn]

what advice would you give a 23 year old black woman who is about to go out in the world?

lets keep this clean and neat, pretty please?

can we also steer away from discussing racism as part of advice?

Go spend some time - at least six months, longer if possible, living in a country / or a continent where black people are not a ‘minority’. Hang out with black judges, scientists, architects, stockbrokers, living their lives in countries where they’re not being called ‘black’ fifty times a day. Professors not limited to ‘Black Studies’. Poets not restricted to ‘My Black Struggle’. Black chefs, dancers, composers who don’t have to explain themselves. Etc.

Then come back and see how the UK looks through their new perspective.

I would say spend time working or studying abroad. This is my only regret.

Very good post from Lookielikie. Regarding the hair aspect, I wish I knew how to care for my natural hair years ago. It would have saved me thousands over the years. I see so many young black girls on tv and the amount of these girls wearing their own hair is shockingly low. It seems to be all about the long straight hair wig/ weave,

I dont see why Black Women not wearing their natural hair is discussed, without reference to the root cause - Which is, living in the West where Black Women are constantly referred to as not beautiful, and our hair is both politicised and described as messy, unprofessional and unsuitable in comparison to non-Black women's hair.

I have daughters in their 20s, they wear their hair natural. As do many of their friends. As do I. They were born with natural hair, as mothers we cared for and styled their hair in their growing years so of course they know how to look after it. If you only focus on weaved women then you won't notice the natural.

We dont have difficult hair. We have nosey, ignorant people who mock our hair. I will not scorn any Sista who wears a weave as I know her journey may not have been easy; she may go natural in her own time, and that doesnt have to be anybody else's time.

I'm entirely bored of seeing 'go natural!' posts elsewhere on social media, where the photo is of a mixed woman with big soft curls - anything apart from that particular hair texture = a Black Woman with hair almost shaved. Too many don't want to see the real deal hair but they deny it. Are they as 'sad' about those who dismiss our hair, as they are about Black Women wearing weave?

When I come across the weave conversation in real life - eapecially from a misogynoir angle, at times some self-hating fool I know well does not date natural-haired Black Women and hides behind 'but you all wear weave'🙄 - which of course, we don't - my answer is the same

Leave Black Women alone.

If youre not challenging ignorance about our hair, if you deny the reasons why weave became popular in the 1st place, if you dont understand how it feels to already know as a little girl that your hair and features are seen as lesser, then you are part of the problem in that you align with deniers who are loudmouhed about the symptom, whilst deviously denying the cause.

I taught my daughters their language and culture. Took them to our homeland several times in their formative years so they'd see the Western way is by no means the only way. Instilled confidence as best I could -as Im sure many Black mothers do. Made sure they got a great education and taught them life and money sense. So they wouldnt grow up broke, and wouldnt mix with going-nowhere people. Those are important things, many more but this is already an essay.

Leave Black Women alone remains my mantra.

@EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues

Go spend some time - at least six months, longer if possible, living in a country / or a continent where black people are not a ‘minority’. Hang out with black judges, scientists, architects, stockbrokers, living their lives in countries where they’re not being called ‘black’ fifty times a day. Professors not limited to ‘Black Studies’. Poets not restricted to ‘My Black Struggle’. Black chefs, dancers, composers who don’t have to explain themselves. Etc.

Then come back and see how the UK looks through their new perspective.

This🙌🏽

@DeeCeeCherry Amen to that.

@DeeCeeCherry

I dont see why Black Women not wearing their natural hair is discussed, without reference to the root cause - Which is, living in the West where Black Women are constantly referred to as not beautiful, and our hair is both politicised and described as messy, unprofessional and unsuitable in comparison to non-Black women's hair.

I have daughters in their 20s, they wear their hair natural. As do many of their friends. As do I. They were born with natural hair, as mothers we cared for and styled their hair in their growing years so of course they know how to look after it. If you only focus on weaved women then you won't notice the natural.

We dont have difficult hair. We have nosey, ignorant people who mock our hair. I will not scorn any Sista who wears a weave as I know her journey may not have been easy; she may go natural in her own time, and that doesnt have to be anybody else's time.

I'm entirely bored of seeing 'go natural!' posts elsewhere on social media, where the photo is of a mixed woman with big soft curls - anything apart from that particular hair texture = a Black Woman with hair almost shaved. Too many don't want to see the real deal hair but they deny it. Are they as 'sad' about those who dismiss our hair, as they are about Black Women wearing weave?

When I come across the weave conversation in real life - eapecially from a misogynoir angle, at times some self-hating fool I know well does not date natural-haired Black Women and hides behind 'but you all wear weave'🙄 - which of course, we don't - my answer is the same

Leave Black Women alone.

If youre not challenging ignorance about our hair, if you deny the reasons why weave became popular in the 1st place, if you dont understand how it feels to already know as a little girl that your hair and features are seen as lesser, then you are part of the problem in that you align with deniers who are loudmouhed about the symptom, whilst deviously denying the cause.

I taught my daughters their language and culture. Took them to our homeland several times in their formative years so they'd see the Western way is by no means the only way. Instilled confidence as best I could -as Im sure many Black mothers do. Made sure they got a great education and taught them life and money sense. So they wouldnt grow up broke, and wouldnt mix with going-nowhere people. Those are important things, many more but this is already an essay.

Leave Black Women alone remains my mantra.

I do agree. I’m biracial ( but consider myself a Black woman) .I was born & spent years in the motherland.My white British parent was spoilt for choice in who to help with my hair when we were in Africa. My hair was healthy and amazing. When we moved to the UK problems began. My self esteem was shot, I was so lost and struggling to belong. I ended up messing my hair by relaxing it & putting on weaves which nearly destroyed my hairline. Thankfully when I had twin daughters I realized that I needed to heal myself , to love myself the way I am. I shaved all off my hair and started over again. I have had locs now for 6 years and my twinses are loc’d too. Some amazing YouTube vloggers helped plus my Fam abroad sending me the products.

I’m thankful that I got to spend so much time growing outside the UK where I was not a minority. Tbh one day I’m going back to live there as I would like my children to experience being free from micro aggressions &. code switching that I have had to endure. I still forget sometimes when I’m annoyed & switch to the motherland language 🤣. The struggle is real😭

Learn to love yourself

Education is life long -

Look after your mental health - get to know yourself and your boundaries

Listen to your gut instinct -

Read and travel - I wish I had done more.

Build relationships and learn to network.

Volunteer - Sometimes you get more joy from giving without expecting anything back.

Understand how finances work - how to save , what is worth saving for and what not to use credit for and why.

@EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues

Go spend some time - at least six months, longer if possible, living in a country / or a continent where black people are not a ‘minority’. Hang out with black judges, scientists, architects, stockbrokers, living their lives in countries where they’re not being called ‘black’ fifty times a day. Professors not limited to ‘Black Studies’. Poets not restricted to ‘My Black Struggle’. Black chefs, dancers, composers who don’t have to explain themselves. Etc.

Then come back and see how the UK looks through their new perspective.

Yes to this! Now this is what I call a gap year!

@BobbiPinsOn

what advice would you give a 23 year old black woman who is about to go out in the world?

lets keep this clean and neat, pretty please?

can we also steer away from discussing racism as part of advice?

Last time I checked these issues would not exist without racism or misogynior.

Anyway - learn the system and know how to move around and within it. If you need to code switch, so be it.

I have seen so many people waste their youth in the immigration system. I would tell 20 something person to look beyond this if leaving is not a threat to their life.

That is really excellent (and vital) advice, LookieLikie.

@LookieLikie

I would like to add. Have well woman checks including scans - don’t just suffer with heavy comfortable periods . I know a disproportionate number of black women that are suffering with I.e fibroids, PCOS and have soldiered on for years with life-disrupting symptoms without demanding to find the cause. Knowing there is a family history can be enough in some instances to demand investigations (same for many metabolic syndromes - diabetes/high blood pressure). Black women are less likely to be shown empathy in the face of discomfort by health systems in Europe. This knowledge can govern lifestyle choices; allowing for a longer, healthier life.

Very true. I attended an all girls boarding school in West Africa and growing up, having painful periods was very common. The folklore then was you'd suffer until you either had sex or had a baby. I really wanted to be a medical researcher growing up so I could unpack all these myths/stereotypes about black medical health. It is amazing how different and under studied our health is.

@EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues

Go spend some time - at least six months, longer if possible, living in a country / or a continent where black people are not a ‘minority’. Hang out with black judges, scientists, architects, stockbrokers, living their lives in countries where they’re not being called ‘black’ fifty times a day. Professors not limited to ‘Black Studies’. Poets not restricted to ‘My Black Struggle’. Black chefs, dancers, composers who don’t have to explain themselves. Etc.

Then come back and see how the UK looks through their new perspective.

I was born in the UK but went back to Nigeria as a child. I grew up seeing women doing everything possible. I didn't realise I was black growing up. I just thought I was. I still think I am most of the time. However there was still dysfunction in the society as it wasn't governed properly. In my 20s I was still looking for a place where black people ran the city and ran it well. I visited Atlanta in the US just for this reason. The hair thing was still an issue growing up in Nigeria, we were pressured in the 80s and 90s to relax our hair. Natural hair was for the extremely religious and poor. Even now most people still sport wigs, weaves and permed hair to look glam. I think the young women today are doing well and celebrating their own blackness well. They have blogs and all sorts on social media celebrating their black. @BobbiPinsOn I think the experiences we have had in the West and those who have travelled out help to shape us and not (no matter how painful) is wasted. Our experiences is so multifaceted. I will definitely tell my 23 year old self to leave her hair alone and it will thank her in 23 years time. I wish someone had told me that specifically!

ignore my typos

I acknowledge the wider truths in what you’re saying about dysfunctional societies, Mewli - truly, I do.

But (knowing both the countries you’ve referred to) I would never recommend the US in the exact context we’re talking about. (Obviously not saying people shouldn’t go and work / make their fortune there if they choose.) The inheritance of history is just too toxic.

Also, I wasn’t talking about just seeing what black women achieve elsewhere. The rhetoric surrounding black men in the UK is just so stunningly disgusting - it’s really important to immerse oneself in locations where things are different, so as not to imbibe the idea that All Black Men Are Inherently Worthless Losers.

What I’m reaching for is a situation where we’re not constantly bumping into exceptionalism and thinking it’s something of value.

“Oh look, the First Black XYZ!”

To add to LookieLikie advice

Take care of your own health both physical and mental. This also includes trying your damn hardest not to fall into the obese weight category.

Be open, without moaning, to family and friends with health issues. They are more likely give you relevant and useful information. There are diseases that are stigmatised in black families but if you are open with family members and keep your mouth shut when appropriate, you will find out more about your familial health issues.

Be prepared to scrap money together to get necessary tests whether they are blood tests or scans done privately.

If you aren't listen to by a doctor take a housemate, work colleague, acquaintance or a friend to an appointment with you who will advocate for you. I've personally noticed doctors listen to women who turn up with those over a relation.

Don't be scared of health practitioners threatening to kick you off their books for them refusing to diagnose you after you have come for repeat appointments about the same issue. (This is more young person specific than just black specific as I know young adults who were diagnosed with cancer in time for life saving treatment because they had between 8 - 20 appointments with their GP.)

@LookieLikie yep I know about the crap of BMI charts.

My point was to stop your health issues being dismissed by doctors in the first place try to make sure you aren't in obese category.

I've met enough women throughout the years who have been told that their "issues" would be resolved if they lost weight. (The fact that some of them have been on contraceptive hormones that help caused the weight gain in the first place is ignored.)

My advice:

Build a village. Surround yourself with kind, reliable, supportive friends. Find a good professional black network - especially important if you're about to embark on a career or join a company lacking in diversity.

Don't be too quick to rush into a serious relationship - you can take your time and focus on friends and career opportunities.

Take care of yourself - physically in terms of finding an exercise you enjoy (can also help with friends) that can give you an outlet for stress, get plenty of sleep and eat lots of veg. But also mentally - don't wait for things to get bad before finding a counsellor. Don't be afraid to have boundaries in terms of taking on extra work/taking too much on and burning out.

Most importantly, enjoy yourself and don't be afraid to take up space wherever you go!

This NYT article on The Privilege of Mediocrity seems relevant to this thread.

But generally, if I haven’t said it before - read, read, read. Read the best you can find, in any genre. Never stop expanding your mind. Never, ever believe anyone who suggests you should only be interested in this, not that …

Read Dostoyevsky and Octavia Butler; Henry James and Frantz Fanon, Dorothy L. Sayers and Jackie Sibblies Drury - never limit yourself to what you already know.

I'm offended at the request to not speak about racism to black (reference to race) women. It seems to me that most, if not all, posters have indeed been speaking about just that. How could they avoid it? You've asked for advice for a black woman.

I find it is asking me to talk about blackness by denying that racism is a critical factor in black women's lives.

So for me its an impossible question to answer.

I can however, talk about advice to a 23 year old woman without mentioning racism. I can't really do that without reference to sexism, though. I could speak about advice to a 23 year old person with references to sexism etc etc etc.