from a black woman to another

[BobbiPinsOn]

what advice would you give a 23 year old black woman who is about to go out in the world?

lets keep this clean and neat, pretty please?

can we also steer away from discussing racism as part of advice?

@RedMarauder That appears to be directed at me, but I’m not seeing where I advised anyone to exceed the RDA without medical advice. I was rather clear on the fact that I wasn’t doing so.

[quote PompomDahlia]@Buggritbuggrit great advice about feeling justified in your own interests. I had an awkward indie girl phase and the gigs and nights out were great fun. I'm much more mainstream in my tastes these days.

Something else that really helped me - more so in my teens than my 20s - was reading the greats. James Baldwin, Maya Angelou, Alice Walker, Ralph Ellison - they helped me to understand what I felt and feel that I wasn't going mad.[/quote]
The Fire Next Time.

My mind exploded, as a young teen, to read that for the first time.
Reading, education, investing in awareness of self.

Something we all keep returning to here. So important. From this confidence in who you are, and where you are going, flows.

Along with "build a village around you" upthread. Fantastic adice.

[quote Buggritbuggrit]@RedMarauder That appears to be directed at me, but I’m not seeing where I advised anyone to exceed the RDA without medical advice. I was rather clear on the fact that I wasn’t doing so.[/quote]
It wasn't directed at you.

I had just forgotten that when I tell people to take vitamin D not to take more than recommended unless they have been tested. People often think small amount good, so larger amount better.

@TheBlackDarner

The mind boggles as to what "Bobbi" wanted us to say?

Advice on how to slice a watermelon perhaps?

Not advice on reading Dostoevsky for sure. Edmontina

🤣 Do tell on how to slice a watermelon @TheBlackDarner or perhaps how to darn socks?

I would tell her to love herself first - love her hair, her skin (blemishes and all), her shape, her gifts, her flawed self.

Give herself lots of hugs while recognising areas of self improvement.

Be curious, be brave.

Red flags in a relationship - Jamaican version by Wally Britishh

What an important thread.
One very important tip would be to not rush into that serious relationship and have children because that's what everyone else is doing .
As young black girls the over sexualisation from an early age within and outside our communities is an everyday lived experience, often leading to premature relationships.
There is so much more to discover. Discover you as an individual; discover your likes and dislikes; discover your opinions, viewpoints and goals.
Whilst you may feel mature at 21 and think you are aware of self - believe me giving yourself enough time for true self discovery can save a lot of wasted time x

@Bonnie93 and i would say the opposite. A good man is hard to find so be purposeful in your search. Pursue it like you would your career. It sets you up for a good life. Yes maybe children can be delayed but go get that man

@Bonnie93

What an important thread. One very important tip would be to not rush into that serious relationship and have children because that's what everyone else is doing . As young black girls the over sexualisation from an early age within and outside our communities is an everyday lived experience, often leading to premature relationships. There is so much more to discover. Discover you as an individual; discover your likes and dislikes; discover your opinions, viewpoints and goals. Whilst you may feel mature at 21 and think you are aware of self - believe me giving yourself enough time for true self discovery can save a lot of wasted time x

This is such a great post @Bonnie93,

@TouchMyToes Whilst I take your point, about finding the right person, if that is what you want, not everyone wants a man and children.

@EchoNan true, not everyone wants a man and kids. I know i've always wanted a man.

@DeeCeeCherry thank you I completely agree with your post.

I am not my hair.

I am FED UP with black women hair being under scrutiny - by white AND black people.

If I wear a wig, weave, natural - it's no ones business.

So much great advice on this thread :)
Am mixed so won't comment but just reading and appreciating as well

Sorry OP for my previous rant but my advice would be this.

Around your age I became a lot more open minded by adopting this approach and in turn had some very positive experiences.

If you even look at careers of most black people in the UK the we tend to stick to certain industries (social care, healthcare, creatives etc).

Not there's anything wrong with those careers at all but my point is don't let that limit what you believe you can do - you can be anything you want to be, despite what society and others might tell you - just believe in yourself.

@Buggritbuggrit

Oooh, I have another bit of advice that I missed out. There is no one way to be Black. We are not monolithic. Please don’t let anyone - mainstream culture, white people, Black men, other Black women - tell you how to ‘perform Blackness’.

You can wear what you want, listen to the music you like, read what you like, eat what you like, hang out with and date who you choose. None of these things will make you any more or less ‘authentic’ and anyone who tries to put you in a box or dictate your identity to you isn’t worth your time.

Best advice on the thread.

@parentinghelp1 i agree, a black person can be anything they want to be. I know black accountants, lawyers, scientists, optometrist, teachers, engineers in the UK, all in my circle.

a black person can be anything they want to be

That was my point in my first post. Travelling to places in the world where black people are the mainstream population makes it perfectly obvious, to a young person who has grown up in the UK, that the possibilities for their future are limitless.

It shouldn’t be a cause for comment that one has black lawyers, tree-surgeons, physicists, philosophers, piano tuners, gynaecologists, librarians, dentists or deep sea divers amongst one’s family or wider circle.

It really is a vital thing to understand.

(Some of us have been lucky enough to be brought up with this knowledge, and the confidence it engenders, but I’m aware that plenty of young people in the UK have found their horizons limited by circumstance.)

but I’m aware that plenty of young people in the UK have found their horizons limited by circumstance.)

Shoot me for saying this but the majority is mindset - not circumstantial. And our ability to have the 'I can do anything' mindset has an added layer of complexity due to being black.

No. Mindset is a consequence of circumstance - historical, inherited or current.

@EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues

No. Mindset is a consequence of circumstance - historical, inherited or current.

Yes agreed, but that doesn't mean you cannot change your mindset despite the circumstances. That's my point.

It shouldn’t be a cause for comment that one has black lawyers, tree-surgeons, physicists, philosophers, piano tuners, gynaecologists, librarians, dentists or deep sea divers amongst one’s family or wider circle

I am one of the above. ( Clue: I 'm not a librarian, but admire them immensely. )

From a very troubled background. My childhood messages being that I would not amount to much.(I'm talking years ago now)

The only book with characters who were black, I read as a young person, was Uncle Tom's Cabin. (Which was a Christmas present from a well meaning person).

Public Libraries were my friend. Every Saturday morning.

One day, the librarian suggested I might want to read "The Fire Next Time" by James Baldwin. My brain exploded.

When someone gives you the key to a padlock, turn that key!

@parentinghelp1 Sorry cross posted there. Yes my mindset changed. It was some time before I was free of my circumstances.

@TouchMyToe @EchoNan I certainly agree that the search -if that young person is searching - should be purposeful. I guess it links to the point 'you can't love anyone before you love yourself' and my advice was highlighting that in order to love oneself it is also essential to know yourself.

Therefore the need for self discovery prior to pursuing that man is essential.
This is the great but also challenging thing about advice. The points I made will have sat so well with one individual but to another that pursuit of a relationship, career, children are at the equally at the forefront of ambition.

@Bonnie93, you say it so well.

It's tricky, for a straight woman - when to 'man up'.

This will not be everyone's experience, but I have seen it in so many other young women lives: I was in my first proper adult relationship where I lived with the man and shared bills etc from around 22 to 26. It's was a very wobbly on/off type of thing from 26 until I was around 27. I was well aware in those last few months of the relationship or first few months of being single, however one looks at it, that the last 5 years had me consulting with him on everything - where should we holiday, which job is good for me, where should we live, what should we do this weekend, what should we eat for dinner etc etc, big life decisions, small everyday decisions. Upon being single I rediscovered the exercise of being able to think through all of these decisions on my own, for myself, with no one else's voice coming in, contributing, changing the course of my thoughts. That period was so valuable. I rediscovered my own mind. I discovered me, who I was at an adult woman. I hadn't really connected with her fully since before my relationship, and then I was a teenager, really.

Now, I have friends who began relationships around this time, in the first few years after uni, who then married these men and had children with them and by large things seem to be as normal, ups and downs, but we're all getting there, wherever that is. BUT these female friends of mine, how to say it, it's like their minds are dependent on that of their partners. Or, ok, be kinder Jamdown, they are interdependent. All of their life choices have been made with their men in mind, never really what is solely best for them. I know this is just the nature of relationships and there is a beauty in that, but that is practically all of their adult lives. And as children have come in etc I have seen the men in their lives become more dominant in their conversations in a way that those friends of mine, and myself, are not experiencing. Not yet, anyway.

The advice I plan to give my daughters is to let go of any relationship they might have in their 20s that just seems HARD (I'm not saying they should jack in perfectly good relationships for nothing). Not to be scared to let it go because of a biological clock, or because other people are getting married at 28/29, or the good men all seem to be snapped up so they'd better hold on to their's, because for me the late 20's / early 30's was like a second puberty in that my mind expanded so much, I changed and grew and developed so much, it was great to do that autonomously, or at least with a wider range of influences than I would have benefited from if I'd been spending the majority of my time with one person who had a huge say in every aspect of my life.

There is so much change going on up until 30 ish, that I think marriage before then is very very young for a lot of people, women included.