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Black Mumsnetters

This board exists primarily for the use of Black Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

Original poster

from a black woman to another

124 replies

BobbiPinsOn · 29/09/2021 16:54

what advice would you give a 23 year old black woman who is about to go out in the world?

lets keep this clean and neat, pretty please?

can we also steer away from discussing racism as part of advice?

OP posts:
UrbanRambler · 02/10/2021 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

TheBlackDarner · 02/10/2021 21:42

Thanks mods Star

TheBlackDarner · 02/10/2021 21:45

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time

So true.

UrbanRambler · 02/10/2021 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

TheBlackDarner · 02/10/2021 22:13

It's a thread for black women to give advice to younger black women.

Hardly a call to the barricades.

There's the rest of MN to post on.

Possibly on something you might know about if you care to look around.

Jamdown123 · 02/10/2021 22:19

Excellent,

Could we have some advice for late 30s and 40 something women, pretty please?!

:p ;p ;p

Oh, some advice I would truly give to many women - have more sex / sexual partners IF the only reason you are not is because you think society will mock you / penalise you. I wish I was more sexually in my own skin when younger. I'm sure I missed out on so many good times......

Oh oh, and also on sex again. Don't EVER have sex when you aren't 100% comfortable with the circumstances. You truly can say no at any time. Even if the person did x (insert huge demonstrable exercise like took you on holiday or bought you a car, or introduced you to JZ, I dunno, whatever), you don't owe anyone sex. You can say no. It's fine to do this, even smart in many many cases.

Denzelstowel · 03/10/2021 07:40

*Could we have some advice for late 30s and 40 something women, pretty please?!

*Good idea - "what I would say to my younger self "

Denzelstowel · 03/10/2021 08:02

I'm really with the idea of spending time ideally in your home country either studying or working. I will really encourage my DS to do this.

I have a friend who insists on this with all his children -
schooling here until completed 1st degree - home country for national service / or work. After this they are free to choose.
eldest went to Nigeria to work and is still there after 5 years
The next completed NS and is now in US for masters
The last is completing her final year with a view to starting NS next year.
There are other issues such as tribalism / nepotism sexism too but we should all experience somewhere where the colour of our skin is irrelevant

AnotherDayInPatadise · 03/10/2021 12:21

I would say get a good education, it has been my saving grace in life as a black woman living in the UK. Find your passion and pursue it...it will bring you joy

EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues · 03/10/2021 12:48

Thing is, one’s basic education is largely under the control of parents or guardians. By the age of 23 you either have or have not had that decent start in life. (Obviously you may be able to take steps to make up any deficit as an adult.)

It’s the vital thing to drum into a child, repeatedly, as they go through school, of course!

MackenCheese · 03/10/2021 15:05

I too, went to live in the Caribbean in my teens, and it was wonderful to see black teachers, black headteachers, police etc. Very refreshing, and it showed me I could do anything. In fact, I forgot that I was black when I came back to the UK. I was 10 feet tall.

waakyeandredred · 03/10/2021 15:52

I love this advice @Jamdown123 When I was growing up, there was so much shame and a lot of religion that stopped a lot of the Black women around me living their full life sexually and in relationships! This led to some getting married early and being unhappy in the marriage, and for some super boring sex with a "nice guy" for the rest of their life, simply because their aunties got it in to their had that they most finish uni and find a husband.

UrbanRambler2 · 03/10/2021 19:37

My previous name was UrbanRambler, and I have registered under a slightly different name because my account was suspended and it was the only way I could return to post.

First thing - I'm very sorry for any upset my previous posts caused. I came across the thread as it appeared in Active Threads and when I read the title and the opening post I had a knee jerk reaction to the feeling that white women were being excluded from the discussion. It seemed like a step too far, but the moderator explained to me why the Black Mumsnetters section had been set up, and that part of the reason was so that black people could feel that they had a "safe space". In hindsight I was stupid and I overreacted, but I am no troll - if that were the case I could have returned anonymously under a completely different name, but I want to build bridges and start afresh, not stir up trouble.

@Denzelstowel Your advice is excellent and would be useful for any young person making their way in the world.

@TheBlackDarner Wise words "Realise that your own education never ends, learn from everything, including your own mistakes. ( We all make them)."

Yes indeed, I make mistakes and try to learn from them. I've returned to this thread with a fresh view on things, and will try not to upset anyone.

On the subject of letting hair be natural, this is something I do know a fair bit about, as my oldest friend is mixed race and has afro hair. She spent years and huge amounts of cash having it chemically straightened, and constantly suffered from a dry itchy scalp. Eventually, with much encouragement from myself and other friends, she went "natural" and embraced her curls. Her scalp is now trouble free and she gets constant compliments on her abundant curls, so I would say that if you can learn to embrace your natural hair, do it, because there are lots of benefits.

TheBlackDarner · 03/10/2021 20:36

Apology noted @UrbanRambler2

PompomDahlia · 03/10/2021 20:41

@Jamdown123 some advice for mid-30s would be much appreciated! I have no idea what I'm doing Grin especially as I'm on the precipice of deciding whether to have kids or to let the chance pass... but that's a whole other discussion.

There is some really useful advice here - I just wish I had social media when I was in my teens/early 20s. I know it gets a lot of flak (rightly so often) but the young woman growing up in a white area with no confidence could really have used a community like this

TheBlackDarner · 03/10/2021 20:53

@PompomDahlia
I was that young woman, and no social media.
To have support even over the internet would have made a massive difference to me. That's why this thread so precious.

TheBlackDarner · 03/10/2021 21:03

@UrbanRamble2 I have pm'd you.

UrbanRambler2 · 03/10/2021 21:19

@TheBlackDarner I just replied. Many thanks TBD, I really appreciate your kindness.

TheBlackDarner · 03/10/2021 21:40

Better to build bridges, than burn them Urban Flowers

And I'd like to add that as a contribution to the thread Smile

Back on topic....

Buggritbuggrit · 04/10/2021 03:53

@UrbanRambler2 I didn’t see your deleted comments, but it’s nice that you apologised. However, I don’t really think it’s appropriate for you to come into a Black space and give your opinion on the advice Black women are giving each other. Or your opinion regarding us embracing our natural hair, however well meaning.

We aren't asking you.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/10/2021 05:29

I would say that if you can learn to embrace your natural hair, do it, because there are lots of benefits

How many more thread comments are there going to be about Hair? It's ridiculous. Black Women are more than our hair.

So many of us wear our hair natural now. I swear there are people out there so weirdly fixated on the weave issue and minding Black Women's business, they purposely look past us.

Urban you dont have my type of natural hair. Nor does your friend. You aren't qualified to even speak on our hair and it's patronising af that you've chosen to, as a non-Black woman. Have you somehow assumed we all wear weave on this Board..?

I'm a Monoracial Black Woman. My mother, myself, sisters & daughters all wear our hair natural and have done for years.

But if we didnt want to wear our hair natural, that would be nobodys business but our own.

AnotherDayInPatadise · 04/10/2021 07:27

@DeeCeeCherry let me just say that @UrbanRambler2 may not have black hair but I can apprecite her views and thumbs up for those with natural black hair. I personally can't handle the natural hair, its just too much work for me to maintain. Today i'm using my annual leave to spend 6 hours to unpick, wash and cornrow my hair to put it back under the wig.

AnotherDayInPatadise · 04/10/2021 07:57

@PompomDahlia in your 30s....i would say find a good man and marry him, look after your health, build on your career and have some kids (if you want kids), get onto the property ladder. Also, pay attention to your gut feelings on things, if something niggles you then trust that feeling, if you don't have peace about something then leave it alone.

NurseButtercup · 04/10/2021 09:09

This thread is an interesting read, anyway I'm adding in some advice that hasn't already been mentioned, relevant for women in their twenties and thirties (I think):

Be curious about life and the world around you.

Learn how to cook and try all different cuisines. Challenge yourself buy a cook book and cook every single dish in the book.

Save, save, save.

Learn how to swim - it's an important life skill and you'll be able to enjoy water related experiences without any fear, such as scuba diving etc.

Don't be afraid to do things on your own such as going to a restaurant, theatre, cinema, weekends away & holiday's abroad.

Let go of toxic relationship's (male & female).

Don't be a sheep & follow people, know your own mind.

Live your life with the intent to experience joyful moment's every day.

Invest time & money in self care: have regular massages, go to the dentist look after your teeth, go to the chiropodist for foot & toenail care, look after your skin and follow a skincare regime (I favour the Korean type regime with lots of serums & gentle exfoliation) moisturise your body every day.

Keep a journal and build into your daily routine, to reflect on your day.

Have lots of hobbies, do short courses to try different things.

Don't be afraid to try a different career if your current career is no longer fulfilling.

Have as much sex as you want, with who you want, when you want to and make sure you ENJOY sex. Don't continue to have sex with someone that isn't making sure you're needs are being met. Don't discuss or seek approval of your sex life with your friends.

NurseButtercup · 04/10/2021 09:54

@UrbanRambler2

My previous name was UrbanRambler, and I have registered under a slightly different name because my account was suspended and it was the only way I could return to post.

First thing - I'm very sorry for any upset my previous posts caused. I came across the thread as it appeared in Active Threads and when I read the title and the opening post I had a knee jerk reaction to the feeling that white women were being excluded from the discussion. It seemed like a step too far, but the moderator explained to me why the Black Mumsnetters section had been set up, and that part of the reason was so that black people could feel that they had a "safe space". In hindsight I was stupid and I overreacted, but I am no troll - if that were the case I could have returned anonymously under a completely different name, but I want to build bridges and start afresh, not stir up trouble.

@Denzelstowel Your advice is excellent and would be useful for any young person making their way in the world.

@TheBlackDarner Wise words "Realise that your own education never ends, learn from everything, including your own mistakes. ( We all make them)."

Yes indeed, I make mistakes and try to learn from them. I've returned to this thread with a fresh view on things, and will try not to upset anyone.

On the subject of letting hair be natural, this is something I do know a fair bit about, as my oldest friend is mixed race and has afro hair. She spent years and huge amounts of cash having it chemically straightened, and constantly suffered from a dry itchy scalp. Eventually, with much encouragement from myself and other friends, she went "natural" and embraced her curls. Her scalp is now trouble free and she gets constant compliments on her abundant curls, so I would say that if you can learn to embrace your natural hair, do it, because there are lots of benefits.

when I read the title and the opening post I had a knee jerk reaction to the feeling that white women were being excluded from the discussion.

A young black woman specifically asked older black women for advice and your response was to centre yourself into this narrative! Very interesting....