Due November 2009: Second trimester thread!

[turtle23]

New thread for you as it was geting a bit big...

Ooh Laugs your afternoon sounds lovely, we were going to take ds to the beach but got distracted by chores! I bought some strawberry plants and planted those and dh did some gardening whilst ds just wandered round the garden watering the plants! Feel really tired now, am going to put my feet up for the rest of the evening. Sorry to hear about your dd Laugs, hope she feels better soon, is there anything you can give her?

Helips I would echo Laugs on the St Ives front - we went at Easter and it was absolutely beautiful. I loved it. Gorgeous beach, loads of little shops, bars, places to walk to...

Well, we had a delivery today of 'baby stuff'. We bought the lot from a friend of a friend and it has taken over the house! Cot, Quinny, pram top, moses basket, baby bath, monitor, clothes, blankets, play gym, baby bjorn, nursery rug, it goes on!! Really scared - it feels so real now, even though we have approx. 23 weeks to wait! (hopefully) I am soooooo impatient!

Katster meant to ask about your poorly belly - is it fully recovered now? That is exciting getting baby stuff. You are organized. This baby will be sleeping in a drawer the rate we are going. We have stuff from the DSs but most of it is knackered - we need new things.

I'd love to go to St. Ives. It's supposed to be really arty and I am quite arty given half a chance.

Watching BB at the moment and reading Red Magazine (I got a year's subscription as a Christmas present and I get a bit behind - I'm still on June's issue!).

Hope all is well with everyone

Hello all, I have finally stopped trembling enough to write.

Does any one else feel like their bump is really heavy? Also I'm finding the F cup bras I bought are getting smaller. This can not be right? I will topple over soon My beast (or should that be breast) friend said my boobs arrive in a room first and announce "Ninjacat will be along shortly" Huh! It's not my fault

Laugs I know what you mean about the gift of the gab. I often find my tongue rooted to the roof of my mouth in important situations, that or else I'm busy coughing my foot back up. I once told an employer I couldn't wait to get entrenched in the work I was starting (I think I was trying to say stuck in to) [eek]
I'm just putting this thought out there, you don't need to respond but how about a bit of journalism/English/Creative writing FE guest lecturing? Could be some summer courses running near you? As I say, just a thought.

A freelance friend of mine swears by Paul McKenner's "Change your life in 7 days" book. I've not tried it personally though. 7 days is quite a commitment.

Helpis As BBL says Devon is lovely
As others say Cornwall is beautiful
But I'm from North Pebrokeshire originally and love it there too
Having said that I've had some fantastic holidays with dp on the Isle of White. We love the kitch value

ninjacat I'm of the big boob persuasion as well currently 36GG and bras feeling tight. I keep reading that boobs can get 2/3 cup sizes bigger after birth. Do they even make bras that big?!!

katster you're very organised with all your baby stuff. I went to mothercare today and it was all a bit overwhelming. Buggies, carseats...... don't know where to start. Think I'm going to hang on for a while then get bits each week.

Going to start aqua natal classes tomorrow as the nhs tell me they can make birth less painful (yeah right!)but worth a try.

Okay so having a major freak out tonight and don't really know where to turn... I hope no one minds if I rant. I apologise in advance, but I don't have anywhere else to turn to.

So I'm 18, suffer from some long-term back injuries, ME and Borderline Personaility Disorder, with a history of anorexia / bulimia. I'm now medication and (yes I'll declair it and pray no one judges me..!) self harm free, but its getting harder every day at the moment. Because of my conditions, I'm on DLA and unable to work. My boyfriends flat isn't appropriate for me (well, us) to move in to, so the plan is for me to stay at home with my parents to have the baby. I should probably state that I'm 18 weeks pregnant, so that means my boyfriend and I have been together 19. We have known each other for a while, though, and are quite close, despite the age gap - he's 33. He's also fighting anorexia, and he's doing so well, I'm incredably proud of him.

So anyway - the plan was that I'd stay here. We don't have a spare room, so I was going to have a cot-bed in my room, presuming that by the time the child was 5 I would be well enough to start working, and the credit crunch would have eased off, so my boyfriend and I would have been able to afford to get a place together. I've got rid of my desk and half of my books, both of which pained me, to make sure that there is room. But basically - there isn't. I'll be lucky if I can get a cot in there. So that gives me maybe two years after the baby is born to get better and get out.

How the hell am I going to manage it?

My parents are in no financial position to support me (they're really struggling to even keep the house going) and my boyfriend can't afford to keep me, although obviously he is going to help. My DLA is going to decrease because of the baby when, if anything, I'll be spending more.

Its just all too much right now. I'm absolutely terrified of having this baby. And some "friends" have outright said to me they think I'm being selfish and should put the baby up for adoption. Every time I hear that, or remember what was said (unfortunately one of the few things my conditions don't alter is my long-term memory) its like a physical pain. Because I'm stressed my BPD is flaring up again - it got to the point where I couldn't sleep for hours last night because the voices I hear were telling me that my partner was going to kill me. I'm very lucky in that he understands me and doesn't take it personally, but I know it must hurt him that I don't - that I CAN'T - trust him completely.

I'm having to try and keep a hold on things because of bloody social services. I know they're only trying to do whats best for the baby, and for me, but I feel like I'm being watch all the time!!! I'm paranoid enough as it is, without knowing they're going to assess every tiny thing I do or say. I didn't even get an encouraging smile from her when I mentioned the fact I haven't hurt myself since the day I found out I was pregnant - thats three months nearly. Before that, I had been doing it multiple times a day, every day virtually, since I was nine. I'm not proud of what I did - to a degree I hate myself for it - but I am proud that I stopped because I didn't want to negatively affect my child. I'm sorry if thats too much infomation for anyone.

I have 22 weeks left of my pregnancy, and it doesn't feel long enough. My ME is already beginning to deteriarate under the stress of it on my body, and although I knew it was going to happen, I didn't know it would be this bad, or this soon.

I have less than 30 months until I need to be in my own place so there is space for the child. The council don't think its nessicary to supply housing for someone in my situation (ie, sharing a bedroom) until the child is SEVEN YEARS OLD. There isn't enough physcial room in my bedroom for two beds. What am I supposed to do??

On top of panicking about all of that, I have a 12 year old brother who hates the fact I'm pregnant. He tries to trip me up (When I do / can walk, I have to use a stick) and constantly puts me down for being, as he put it, "So f*ing stupid". He's being rude and abusive, and as much as my parents are saying its just his age and that everyone is the same at 12, I'm really struggling. He's of the opinion, he delcared in family therapy recently, that I'm just faking all my illnesses so I get away with more, and so that I get attention from everyone.

I hate being disabled. People stare at you, look down at you, speak slower to you, presume you're incapable of so much as thinking, just because you're in a chair, or can't walk by yourself. I know that sometimes that is the case - my Grandmother was semi-paralised after a stroke for 17 years - but it infuriates me. I know my situation could be so much worse, but my conditions are, well, to be frank, crap. For anyone that is aware of the AYME ability scale for ME, I'm at maybe 40-50%. Some days I can't process words. Some days I can't physically get myself out of bed. Some days people have to cut my food for me. So it hurt me when he said that.

I'm so frightened. I'm putting on a brave face for everyone else, even laughing about my pregnancy, being optimistic, but inside I feel just like a scared little girl who's lost her parents in the crowd.

I want to be a good mother. I want to supply everything this child wants and needs to make it happy. I want to help it grow into a responsible, happy, bright, social young adult. I feel so bad in myself for the fact I can't give it a nursery - I feel like I've failed before I've even jumped the first hurdle!

How am I supposed to get my own place in 30 months? I can't afford the rent prices around here. I just want to curl up and cry. I don't know where to turn - I've lost so many friends through getting my scholorship, and then through getting ill, and now through being pregnant. The only times I get out of the house during the week? On a Wednesday afternoon to see my therapist, and at the weekend to see my boyfriend. I sit at home four and half days a week and vegetate. I watch day time TV. I attempt to read but mostly find it hard to concentrate. My social contacts consist of people online, and an ex boyfriend who broke up with me in January because he couldn't deal with my disability. I forgave him for how much he upset me just so I can hear my mobile ring sometimes.

I feel totally usless.

Hi Erica Maye,

Please, please seek help whenever you need it and speak to your therapist about the issues you have raised as h/she will be able to assist you.

I know that a lot of us are anxious about being able to provide for our babies so I can understand your anxieties.

As to your anxiety about the lack of space, in my opinion Babies don't need a nursery and the best place for them is with a loving mum. Again though I am sure it a natural and positive thing to want to provide everything you can for a bub and be scared of the unknown.

You mention you spend a lot of time online, you communicate and write very well. I think you should keep writing as you have a talent there.

Can you scholarship be put on hold?

Maybe you or someone you know could contact the birthing doula association as they have a hard ship fund so may be able to help you with a birth partner or some after birth care.

When you are feeling up to it, the CAB could point you in the right direction for any other grants or budgeting tips.
Also maybe there are some local drop in groups or parenting classes you could go to, to get you out of the house.

Take Care, thinking of you and your bub.

Hi ErikaMaye big hugs to you for all you have been through and are going through and for sharing with us here. No wonder you feel so isolated. I agree with pinkfizzle your writing is very good and you do have a talent! You express yourself so well and with such feeling and emotion. You should write a book!

I agree with pinkfizzle that babies just need their mum and they don't care where they live so long as they are with you. I can't pretend it won't be hard when the baby comes but it'd be hard whereever you are - in a huge mansion with lots of rooms or in a shed at the bottom of the garden. My best friend had a baby last year by herself (by a married man who she didn't know was married at the time) and has lived with her parents for 18 months now with her little boy and her parents dote on that boy and although she's found it hard at times in one room she's had a lot of support from her family. How do your parents feel about the baby coming? Are they very supportive?

I think reading your post which says you care so much about your baby and what sort of mother you will be shows to me that you will be a good mother to the best of your abilities and make yourself very proud of yourself for what you achieve. Everyone has insecurities about their mothering skills, crumbs I certainly did and still do have, and it is not an exact science.

Here we have a service run by Chidren's Information Services and they can help with all sorts of things to do with parenting including extra help initially such as feeding, managing, etc, and also more practically with budgeting, housing, activites, support, etc. I don't know if every county has such a thing or similar - is it worth investigating? They are very non-judgemental.

Better go now - time to take DSs to school!

Hi Erika, I hope you're feeling better this morning.

I know you are really stressed, but things are never as bad as they seem. For a start, you will be recommended to keep your baby in with you until 6 months anyway. There's no reason for it to move out of your room after that. We moved DD out at around that point, but later moved her back into our room for around a year, as it was a better use of space to have us all in together. If you have a double bed, you might also want to think about co-sleeping (you'll hear loads of arguments for and against, though). It might be something to think about when the baby's older.

I know it feels like the SS are keeping an eye on you. Perhaps they are. But it's really helpful not to think of them as the enemy. For example, if they see you are struggling, I'm pretty sure they can arrange for you to get some help around the house for free. I think in some ways, the more you cooperate with them, the more you'll find they are trying to be helpful.

Do you have SureStart in your area? We have one and it's great. All the classes and they have everything from breastfeeding groups to cooking on a budget workshops, as well as the usual mother and baby groups. I think ours also runs a group for teenage mums. I'd look into that.

For council housing, they normally have a points system and depending on how many points you get you are moved higher up the priority list. Having a baby would be a priority. Your disability might be too (if, for example, you found it hard to manage the stairs to get to your bedroom or the bathroom). Even if you don't have the points to be housed straight away, you might as well put yourself on the list as soon as you can.

For baby equipment etc, have a look in charity shops and ebay - this is how we got ours and it is really easy not to spend a fortune. Our pram + car seat cost £20, so did our cot bed (get a new matress though) Just don't look at the baby magazines, that's depressing!

It sounds like your parents are being supportive, so maybe they can have a word with your brother? It sounds like maybe he's jealous of the attention you're getting?

oops - about Sure Start, I meant to say 'all the classes are free'

Hey Erika firstly I wanted to say, and I dont want it to sound mean but it doesnt matter what your friends think, If you want this baby then that is what matters. The decision to give it up would be very hard and you would have to live with that.

Is there any where else the baby could sleep? Even if you had to put a cot in the lounge maybe? I know this may not be practical depending on where you live and who you live with. Or having a smaller travel cot instead of an actual cot?

Laugs makes a good point about trying for a council place, this does sound like your best option. You would definately be fairly high priority.

Hope you manage to work something out. x

Should have also said I'm pretty sure your benefits will go up when you have a baby.

You'll get child benefit (about £25 a week? I think) and child tax credit. You can also get a one off Sure Start payment when baby is born and Healthy Start vouchers, to buy fruit, veg and milk (I think you can get these now - your midwife can give you a form). At 25 weeks we can all claim for the Health in Pregnancy grant - a one-off payment of £190. Have a look on direct.gov.uk

Ninjacat just to say I have just asked to find out more about a commission which is completely out of my comfort zone (writing for theatre), but I'm feeling quite excited about it! I think you spurred me on .

I also have that Paul McKenna book (never got past day 1), so I think I might try that this week.

Erika start focussing on the practical concerns you have as this will make you feel like you are progressing and also will occupy your brain so you don't get caught up in the emotional side of things. Take it one step at a time, and go through the list bit by bit.
Our sure start centres are in Moulscoombe and Hollingbury, and I think there are others. You will be entitled to income support for both you and your baby, and also housing benefit or council housing. I'd suggest the first thing you should do is go to the benefits agency and see what you're entitled to and when - they can advise on housing too.
There is a yahoo group on the internet called Freecycle, who have a Brighton division. Join that - the only rule on it is that everything offered has to be free. I've given and recieved loads of stuff on there. You can also put wanted ads on there.
Room wise, the other girls are right, you hardly need any space. A moses basket will only take up a small amount of room and your baby will be fine in that for around 4 months.
Speak to your therapist about your emotional concerns and let them help you through it.
I think it's a tremendous achievment that you haven't self harmed in 3 months if you've been doing it daily for the last 9 years. Hang on to that achievement.

As to bra size - am a 36G here and no doubt will grow more! The only thing I remember from last time was to buy your nursing bra at about 37 weeks - don't buy one in the first few days post birth as they will balloon when your milk comes in but will then settle down. My boobs and bump seem to enter the room first

Oh, meant to ask - anyone else got any nesting feelings come on yet? I am scrutinising the house for what needs to be done to make it all neat and tidy (which is a lot in our house!!) already - thought that just kicked in at the end?!

Erika I hope things are looking a bit brighter in daylight. Sometimes just getting things of your chest is a relief.
I can't really give any advise on the benefits front, but it sounds like there is plenty of help to be had. I also agree with getting on the council housing list as soon as possible - even if you have to wait a while, at least you can feel like you've set the ball in motion.
It certainly sounds like you've got a lot on your plate at the moment - but I also agree with everyone before: it also sounds like you're very mature and coping amazingly well given the circumstances!

Also, I just wanted to say, like others before, that you're not alone in feeling a bit freaked out. I hope you don't feel that is patronizing, but rather just to reassure you that you're not alone, and it's all part of the process. I'm 30, married to someone I've known for nearly a decade, and I was only here a few days ago whining about feeling unsupported and alone with the whole pregnancy thing. In comparison, my "problems" are small, but I was still in tears, feeling like a little girl. We're all going through a massive life-change and the hormones certainly aren't helping!

Sometimes you just want someone, anyone, to give you a big hug and promise you that it will all be all right in the end. We're all here for you whenever you feel like you need to vent.

Laugs How is your DD feeling? Hope you had a peaceful night!

Katster WOW! You're super organized! Next thing you'll be washing, ironing and folding babygros organized in drawers by weight!

I went to see a friend yesterday who's got a house full of stuff too (although she's 26 weeks) and it did make me think we've got to get a move on... At least with the bigger stuff, like clearing out the spare room (which to be fair, should have been done years ago when we moved in so that we could've had a nice guest room...) Still struggling to get DH involved and it's not like I can start shifting furniture on my own. His latest excuse is that "most people" wait until the last couple of weeks and I'm being unreasonable. (Same as with the name, apparently "most people" wait til the baby is here before they start thinking about what to call it...) I don't know who he hangs out with, because the people I know aren't like "most people".

I also got given a couple of maternity tops, a pair of lovely floaty trousers and a pair of super-cool jeans so am over the moon and finally feel like I've got a nearly functional maternity wardrobe rather than having to hide in my joggers.

Hope you're all having a Happy Monday!

Hi everyone,

Erikamaye hope you are feeling more positive today, there's been a lot of good advice here already and hopefully you can start looking into that. It can seem very daunting when you are expecting your first baby, and that's without the problems you are facing and have overcome. I agree with what the others say about room, the baby will be more than happy being in with you and doesn't need a fancy nursery, just the love and comfort its mother can bring. Try not to get bogged down with what happens in 1 year, 2 years or 5 years, you don't know what's round the corner so try to just take 1 day at a time.

Thanks for the holiday tips, will definately check out st Ives. Also, somebody mentioned Isle of Wight, I've been to Ventnor but can anyone recommend anywhere else there?

My boobs are huge and seem to be growing everyday! Last time I went up to a G cup with ds and am already in an F so dread to think how big they'll end up when breastfeeding starts! Oh well, good job dh is a boob man

Forgot to tell you all on Friday after the scan - as you might remember, I was bleeding until 14/15 weeks. Although they did see a bruise on the uterus at the 12 week scan, everybody also kept saying "it could just be that you're bleeding from the cervix" which frankly didn't do much to calm me down as nobody ever LOOKED at the cervix so I was left guessing (and googling...) so on Friday as she scanned around the uterus to check that the bruising was all gone (it was, and she again mentioned the cervix as a possible culprit...)I had a brainwave and asked what I was sure was a very dumb question: could she have a look at the cervix to make sure it is ok?

Well what do you know - it is possible to have a look at the cervix with the ultrasound! She measured it and it was absolutely fine. Big relief!

Just thought I'd share this in case any of you have been worrying about your cervixes (what is the plural? cervie? ) or for some other reason just want to make sure it looks good.

oh, and I can't get DH to go and donate blood, so unless I can convince the GP to just test his type anyway, I'll have to just suck it up and have the jab. MEN!!!!

Broodzilla glad to hear your cervisx is in good shape! DD seems better today thanks. She ended up with a fever last night, so slept in with me, but was ok really apart from being like a hot water bottle.

I am already wearing my old nursing bras and they are already tight on me!

Afternoon all. Been stuck in huose all day in gorgeous weather as DD has a dicky tummy and explodes from the bottom (TMI?!) without any warning, poor little mite. So been filling our time and now have a carrot cake in the oven.

Start my yoga tonight, really looking forward to it, done it past 2 pregnancies and I can't believe it's a year since i finished it last time, seems like last week.

Broodzilla - will your D's GP surgery not hold info as to his bloodgroup? He could call and if so they should release that info to him. BTW, my DH seems to know the same 'most people' as yours! Apparently we don't need to do anything for the baby this time, as we have 'everythig' apparently name, newborn car seat, the lot - we haven't actually sorted any of these things. We've always used alay flat car seat which takes up 2 car seats, but cannot fit it in this time - too many children!! So need to get another, no doubt it will miraculous (sp?) sort itself out as usual (ie. i'll do it!)

sorry meant DH's GP surgery.

Broodzilla - I ended up at the local Early Pregnancy Unit on Friday as had some bleeding overnight so had to have the Anti-D jag- hate to tell you this but I got it in my bum and it is THE most painful jag I have ever had! Be warned, I was expecting it to be less painful than those in your arm due it there being more fat in your bum but no, apparently it has to go very deep into the muscle. DP was in hysterics at my reaction. All I can say is he better change his attitude before the Labour!!

Anyway, we had another scan to check the placenta and the baby and everything's ok, looks like a little boy, but still a bit early to tell. Very pleased to see the baby again though.

And they put the bleeding in my maternity records (which you have to take to every appointment) as "post-coital"

Laugs Theater, fantastic! I'm excited for you

Helips You can drive around the Isle of White in a couple of hours so it's all pretty much on your doorstep no matter where you are.
Sandown and Shanklin are good for that 1950's feel or if you're looking more up market Yarmouth or Cows are good if you want something a little posher.