Here is my post about DD's birth, for those who are interested. (Otherwise do skip it, it's long!)
Ok, well after months of being quite sanguine about the op, by last Monday night I was extremely apprehensive. Ok, I was totally bricking it about being cut open, and whether my baby would be all right.
In the end, by the time I got to theatre I felt quite calm as the anaesthetist was totally lovely and I have always liked and had confidence in my obstetrician. It wasn?t like ER though. I was expecting gleaming chrome, but it was a bit scruffy (DP and I both thought it was an ante room at first) and like a nutty professor?s potting shed. I was allowed to keep my contact lenses in so at least I was in a position to see it. Putting in the spinal block and the epidural (I had both and then the epidural was going to be kept in for 48 hrs pain relief ? of which more later) was surprisingly much less painful than I thought. The anaesthetic took a long time to take on the one side which was a bit worrying! And the rummaging around in my tummy I found a little disturbing. Not painful at all, but a bit uncomfy and unnerving.
They brought her out and peeped her over the drape quite quickly (she came out crying which I knew was a good sign), and I really was shocked that I didn?t recognise her. God knows why, but I had convinced myself that I would miraculously recognise her as mine. She looked like a complete stranger, and a very slightly grey and waxy one. When they handed her to me she seemed very heavy and I was amazed that she was only 6lb12oz. When I was sewn up (which, like the rummaging, I found the feel of a little disconcerting) DP went off with her whilst she was checked and weighed and so on. It was so reassuring and lovely to have him there, both when I was having the op and when someone had to go off with her. He really was wonderful.
When the spinal wore off, I was left with the epidural, and what was just smarting at first began to turn into serious pain. I was very woozy still, and the baby next to me in the recovery room didn?t really seem like mine. I felt disconnected from her, and seeing DP so obviously besotted with her made me feel strange as I didn?t at that point share those feelings. Mind you, I couldn?t feel much other than intense pain. They kept topping up and topping up the epidural, and yet, aside from a blessed hour or so, I felt every one of those seven layers of stitches. I think I was really crying to DP at one stage, and saying that I couldn?t take it any more, which I think was very distressing for him. In the end I wasn?t allowed to have any more top ups for safety?s sake, and they took me upstairs to my room. Whereupon...they realised the mattress was soaked with all my epidural top ups, and that was why they hadn?t been working. They'd just been squirting out my back. It wasn?t anyone?s fault: the team looking after me were fantastic, but I hadn?t realised how tricksy and unreliable epidurals can be. They can?t resite them if they have failed, so it had to come out and I had loads of morphine. It took ages to work and didn?t cover the pain, though I did manage to get some sleep. The took DD off to the nursery for the night. The next day, I had even more morphine and I spent a VERY strange day two, though far less painful. They make you get up on Day Two. It hurts like hell.
But I still didn?t feel connected to DD. I cared about her and I was glad she was safe. But I didn?t feel that overwhelming love you read about and I was so worried and woozy and sort of...numb. I think it was borne of a sort of shock, both of the pain but also her arrival, which I now realise I was less psyched up for than I thought. Oh, and the drugs of course. But I let myself feel it, hoping desperately that it would fade away. I didn?t really talk to DP about it that much, because I didn?t want to worry him or spoil things for him. But I think he knew really.
However, on Day 3 I told them I didn?t want any more morphine and I was sore but everything began to improve rapidly. I felt so much brighter and felt much more of an interest in DD and began to find her lovely and kind of amazing. And the day after that, it was just me and her, as DP had to leave London for a day to do some urgent work, and do you know what? All of a sudden she was completely under my skin and I adored her. And that?s how I have been ever since. I am very tired and still sore but I just love everything about her.
Just a few random other points: I thought I would care about daft things like the nurses changing my maternity pads when I was too feeble. Needless to say, I didn?t give a toss. Turnip?s tip of taking dried apricots to make you go to the loo is a good one. Those guys are a banker, more so than the gloopy laxative syrup they give you. I didn?t use my iPod or my personal dvd player. I barely watched telly and I couldn?t concentrate to read either. My make up did get used as it helped me to feel humanoid, but I would say definitely take a nice moisturiser and a lip balm ? hospitals are very drying. On the the same note, take lots of nice drinks or get someone to bring them in for you. You need to keep drinking, it?s easier and more pleasant than eating when you feel rough, and hospital water gets very boring. And that, my dears, is about it.