Dear all,
This is a slightly long post, but I’d really value input from experienced women and those going through similar circumstances who may be able to offer some insights. If you think I’m a self-centred brute of a husband I’m open to hearing it.
I am 33M husband of a beautiful, capable 35F. She loves reading posts on this feed, and so feedback you offer here will be useful to both of us. We are 8 months married, and while I know I’m lucky to be with someone like her, we are having some ongoing conflict, which partly comes from our different perspectives, I’m from a family of 5 children, more happy go lucky and extroverted, while my wife is an only child, task-orientated, serious and loves stability.
We have been trying for a baby from the beginning, which has increased baseline stress levels. By God’s grace, my wife fell pregnant recently and we are hopefully due in October. Throughout the last 8 months of trying, and even more now, she has taken a very strict view on controlling any variables that could bring harm to a baby (namely infections such as toxo/ listeria or all kinds of chemicals.)
This has meant for the duration of our marriage so far (ie last 8 months):
- We can never go (as a couple) to friends/ family for food (we can’t control them malevolently slipping in a bottle of wine and unpasteurised cheese into our cooking.)
- We can’t eat out at restaurants / fast food (again we cant control the cleanliness/ ingredients/ processes of cooking, this is debilitating when trying to make or maintain friendships.)
- I am not allowed to cook or prepare any food at all that we will both eat because she cant trust me to follow her strict rituals of cleanliness/ separating food. This is such a high bar that she has had to throw a lot of food away that she herself has cooked but she felt could have been contaminated etc for come reason. She’s so anxious/ focused that she cant even let me playfully touch her/ kiss her during cooking.
- We are unable travel to her parents (who live in Europe 2.5 hour flight) or my parents (who live in Ireland (45min flight)) because there is risk to fertility/ foetus of radiation from flights. She doesn’t want her parents to visit us because they are unpredictable and unsettle her.
- There are many places we can’t go because they have smells she is worried about (ie newly painted building, building site, friends who are refurbishing their home)- which seriously affects our ability to make friends.
- She can’t sleep in any other room than her own, because she is worried about risk of infections/ chemicals/ stress and so we can’t go anywhere else to decompress/ relax/ holiday.
- We can’t use any shampoo/ deodorant/ face wash/ moisturiser/ washing powder with any kind of fragrance. I get shouted at if I do, and she upset my 13 year old brother when he used some deodorant he gave me for Christmas.
Some small things can get quite extreme (in my opinion), so for instance in the last few days (by no means the worst):
- My wife has not allowed me to touch her/ kiss her for 48 hours because I used a face wash with salycidic acid. This is despite washing my face, showering 2/3 times and allowing 24 hours to go by.
- We can only walk repeated circles through a specific, small area of our local park because of her worries of being too close to the road or building sites or where thameswater officials were seen with spray cans 4 weeks ago.
- When I put a semi-peeled onion inside a zip-lock inside the fridge she had to wash the entire shelf because I’d touched the outside of the onion and the zip-lock with my hands.
- Today I got into trouble for putting a washed, peeled onion inside a Tupperware box into the wrong shelf in the fridge.
My wife does not acknowledge any anxiety out of proportion. She will not accept counselling for herself, or for us as a couple. To her these are all perfectly normal precautions and I am a mad foetus-hating barbarian for suggesting that they are restricting our lives too much.
Of course I am not objective in this matter, but I would like to hear voices from people who may have some insight or similar experiences...