September 2019 #8 - The 3rd Trimester Begins

[TwittleBee]

New thread!

Here is the start of the final stretch!

Google Doc for reference:
docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1VUDuTLeibUnnaCWCjb-pqUe4Wnq-fTau4HJgmE1XE3c/edit?usp=sharing

@Stroan and @DustyDoorframes thanks for the reminder, also no idea where any of the inserts are. I feel like I've totally forgotten how to deal with a newborn but I figure it'll all come screaming back... literally.

Welcome @RonaldWeasley and @Puglover88 (love the name - we have 2 pugs!) so sorry to hear of your previous losses and completely understand your anxiety. The general consensus around here seems to be if you have any concerns about movement, go in. Doesn't matter if it's your first, or fifteenth trip that week.

My DH is great at all the practical/physical stuff but more often than not I have to remind or prompt him. There's a lot of chat on here about the "mental load" - which is very unfairly split in our household but I'm hoping there might be a bit of a shift in this when the next baby arrives but we shall see.

Consultant appointment and scan for me this afternoon, wish it was this morning so I could get it out the way. My last appointment (two weeks ago) was at 1:30 and I got home at 6, my appointment isn't until 3:45 today so who knows when I'll get home!! Please keep your fingers crossed for me that fluid hasn't increased and baby is looking ok in there 🤞🤞

Good luck @happydays00
Hope there’s some good news!

I have my GTT this morning, dreading it. The only bonus is not commuting in to work-going to work from home this afternoon instead.
Feeling ok about not eating but very thirsty!

Fingers crossed @happydays00, hope you are home a bit earlier tonight.

You should be able to sip water @Megan2018 although as usual it seems to be one of these things where advice varies! Definitely take a book or something though, it's really boring and you aren't supposed to walk around.

@happydays00 I could rant about the mental load ALL day long. DH is also good at every day practical stuff (he does all the washing so can't moan too much) but he doesn't get how exhausting it can be when you can't switch off from the mental load. If he spent a fraction of the time thinking about things for the family as he did thinking about sport, we'd be in a much easier place. I swear he thinks things just happen as if by magic. Everyone and again, I explode and write it all down for him. He'll take on ONE task and then go back to normal.

I also get FURIOUS when people suggest that I'm lucky because he "helps". It's 2019 and we are still letting fathers off with that nonsense?

Yes have been sipping water @stroan as advised but normally I drink pints of water at a time so the sips aren’t doing much for me! Fortunately its being done at the community midwife, not got to trek to hospital.

@Whisky2014 I think it's just a laziness thing - if someone else will plan all of your meals, holidays, social calendar for you then happy days as far as they're concerned. A couple of years ago it really got to me and I had to sit him down and explain that making me feel like his mother was not the most attractive thing in the world. Since then I make an effort to make him have an input, most of the time.

Phew @RonaldWeasley I'm glad it's not just me!! No need to prod this morning - as soon as I sit at my desk the little one starts - I don't think it likes work!! @TheCraicDealer also reassuring about the amount of sleep. Pre pregnancy I sort of assumed they'd be moving about on and off all the time, 20 mins on 20 mins off sort of thing.

What age do you put the cot down to the bottom level? Dh set it in the middle like yours, but it looked really easy to get out of to me, so I made home move it down... but I can't actually reach all the way in to the bottom easily... so I think it's going to have to go up again (not broached this yet with dh!!!) but the baby will be in a next to me crib for 4-6 months anyway so is it worth putting back up?

Everything crossed for you @happydays00 🤞🤞🤞🤞

@kyles101 depends on the baby really, as soon as they show signs of being able to sit up/pull themselves up. DD was rarely in her cot (bedside crib or in our bed for about 10 months) but I would occasionally use the cot as somewhere safe to leave her for a minute, or for naps after 6 months.

@kyles101 I'd leave it and decide when you move the baby. At 4 month high is fine, at 6 you'll probably want it a bit lower. You won't need it at the bottom height until they are pulling up which is (usually) a bit later.

Re the mental load- those of you on your first pregnancy are in a really tricky time for that. When you are on leave you will quite naturally become the Baby Expert, and also Chief of Housekeeping, just because you are there and your partner is at work. If you don't want that to last you need to make sure your partners don't get left behind on all this new expertise. Shared parental leave is a really brilliant thing for that, but just making sure he's in sole charge at least sometimes from as early as you can makes a HUGE difference- and that means accepting that he will do things differently to you too.
Also make sure he stays, or becomes, in charge of some bits of your housekeeping (bills? Organising holidays? Arranging nursery is really good as it means they are more likely to call him sometimes when things go wrong rather than just you. All comms and gifts to/from his family for sure) and DO NOT be tempted to interfere at all. Hard!

Really good point that DustyDoorframes makes.

This was actually covered in our NCT classes.

What was rather good, we found, was if I was BFing DS then DH would quickly tidy up something or prep food etc. So me BFing was a cue for him to do something, even if it was just making a cuppa.

Totally agree with you @DustyDoorframes - we didn't experience any sort of inequality with the "mental load" until DD came along and I've still not managed to get it back on track.

However, he is doing significantly more with DD now - and off his own accord - and genuinely enjoying it so I'm really hoping I can push this . We have such a great relationship in every other way, I hate to moan about this side and the fact I'm pleased he's taking more responsibility for his own daughter but it really is such a difficult balance isn't it.

The other problem I find, is even though we earn a similar amount (I work 4 days from home but freelance and he works 5 or 6 days, self employed but contract) - because I'm at home I find I am still the one responsible for food shopping, errand running, nursery drops offs etc because I'm WFH. Tricky, veeeeeeeeeery tricky.

@Megan2018 good luck for this morning! Hope it goes well.

@kyles101 and all thanks for the good luck wishes

@DustyDoorframes such great advice re the mental load, thank you. The comic/article about it changed my life when I first read it, made me finally able to put into words something that had quietly enraged me for so long! Things have vastly improved between me and DH and he doesn't 'help' (gah, that word), we contribute equally to the household, but I have to admit it's been on my mind that there could be issues once the baby's here as I still tend to be conductor of getting shit done.

I'll definitely make sure he's in charge of some things like nursery and like @TwittleBee's point re BFing being his cue to do something too.

Hi @happydays00, keeping fingers crossed for your appt this afternoon, and thanks for the cot link @Whisky2014. I'll check that out.

Does anyone have any experience moving to a new area soon before giving birth? I would have liked to do NCT to meet people but we arrive midway through the course. How have people got on meeting other parents via baby groups etc? We have some family in the area and one friend, but I'm concerned about feeling isolated.

@DustyDoorframes I've already been mentally preparing myself to not interfere when dh does things a different way to how I would. I know if I do I'll run the risk of him saying fine you do it then, plus I want them to bond too. Remind me in a few months to hold my tongue!!

I’m lucky as DH already does about 80% of things at home, as he is home more. I have a commute and am the main earner by a huge margin.
I do all the financial admin and not relinquishing that because DH is crap with money but he does most of the rest anyway so that should continue!

We have a cleaner so no housework to do anyway and he already does 99% of cooking.

When I am back at work he’ll be doing nursery pick up and early eve until I get home for bedtime. Plus at weekends he’ll be holding baby whilst I ride and look after horse. I realise we are in the minority here though as I have a DH that cooks, shops, cleans, does DIY, garden and vehicles whereas I swan about doing pretty much naff all apart from look after animals tbh!

On mat leave I will try and do a bit more cooking and domestic chores though, I’m looking forward to it

Great advice @dustydoorframes I'm going to bear in mind the bit about in laws especially and remind myself that is not my job to try to either keep them happy or involve them in anyway. (Not that they will every be happy!)

The thing I struggle with around the mental load is that it's not really about the physical things that need done. They GET done one way or another. It's the continual thinking about things to make sure that big things happen. Or doing research, planning etc. It's like a job. For example, we need to move DD from her current swimming lessons to new ones. I've found alternatives, contacted them for more info and timetables. They all have waiting lists of varying lengths and each have different pros and cons. I've discussed this with DH at least 3 times and each time it's as though I've brought it up for the first time so I have to start again.

We are pretty even, but I do do more planning (partly because I'm a planner, that's literally my job, partly because patriarchy). @Stroan I think you need to just give some things over, so that if he doesn't plan them they just won't happen. And yes, there will be some disasters along the way where things really don't happen. In our house that's nursery (and other stuff too, but that's the biggy - school and clubs are principally DP too, swimming is me because I go with my mate). I ask for updates sometimes, but I don't even have the contact details of the places we are on the waiting list for...
It really helps that we BOTH work part time so we both have our home-and-kids days.

Just had the glucose drink, not the nicest but nowhere near as bad as I feared. Came in a weird pouch.
Now the long wait!

We’re more like you @Megan2018, DH handles pretty much everything apart from ordering the weekly online food shop and planning holidays. I’m the high earner and once I go back to work after maternity the plan is that DH will be a SAHD at least until this baby and any future babies start school.

I am an enormous worrier/planner and DH very laid back. Its usually a good blend but I can get frustrated, as demonstrated by his current apathy to baby shopping!

His role is field based so he can be a long way from home each day (he travels over 300 miles most days) but he leaves early and is home early whereas I am out 7:30-7:30 minimum.

I like to over organise, think about the worst case scenario and plan for that (which reflects my job) whereas DH is overwhelming optimistic and only worries about what he can control. So I know I’ll stress about nursery well before he does, but there is no way I will get him to take over the worry for me. He’ll do anything required that is practical but I’ll still be the one stressing!

@DustyDoorframes yeah, part of it is my job too, it comes more naturally. But it's also knowing that left up to him we would literally never leave the house. It's definitely got worse since I lost my job on maternity and could only go back part time to a much lower paid job. He just sees it as me having more time, but in reality I force myself to use my time on family stuff. I don't spend hours reading about sport and random crap, I spend my time researching threenager tantrums and garden drainage problems!

I'm proper moany today, sorry! Feeling enormously anxious and overwhelmed with pregnancy and gestational diabetes just now, read some stuff I can't stop worrying about and general feel pretty low and useless. So it doesn't help when I then have to force myself to worry about all the other crap too. And for the sake of my sanity, I need to actually leave the house and do stuff, which DH will never, ever prioritise.

Haha sat on the bus and a young bloke (alone) behind me on the phone is describing a changing bag in great detail. Can't tell if he's lost it or planning to buy it! Apt timing!

Oh i am sore today i need a new lower body.....

Good luck to those with appointments today. Mw tomorrow for me. Need to sort out list of things to remember to ask about.

DustyDoorframes does it sound like a decent bag? Should ask him if he would recommend it haha

Decaf - really in pain today then?

I think my hormones have ramped up? Cried on the way to work today because I felt so emotionally overjoyed. Whereas, last night I was a moody cow!

I have my 25w appointment later, and then one of our baby classes. These are the NHS ones and they run them immediately after or before my tranche's appointments, works really well.

DH is leaving the forces when I go back to work at 7mos so we're doing a short period of shared parental leave before he goes. Hoping that will get us on an even keel- he's good about the house but has very little in the way of initiative. He's happy to clean the bathroom or put a wash on, but I have to tell him and be prepared for him to do it on his own timescale I explained to him that me having to ask or remind him still made these tasks my problem/responsibility and to be fair things have improved.

Had a big row over painting the nursery last night- he wants a mural but the wall we'd do it on is taller than it is wide so you wouldn't get the effect, and they're about £250 anyway. I want to paint the room a pastel coral and have light aqua/blue curtains but apparently this will look like Katie Price's bedroom.

DH is pretty good at doing his fair share of everything. At the minute he's doing alot for me too so that I can get lots of rest. I don't really have to nag at him at all thankfully.
However when I had DS I did become quite controlling over the baby and wouldn't really let him help, over protective first time mum! I need to make sure I'm not the same this time as I will defo need the help or I'll go insane!
Really starting to feel the struggle now. My belly is heavy and uncomfortable, stretching alot and itching. I've just ordered a support belt to try and help. I apologized to DH yesterday as I feel like I'm starting to moan about it to him. He says I'm not but I'm sure I am!