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Birth clubs

Connect with mums-to-be with similar due dates to share experiences and support.

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Original poster

please can someone spare 2 mins to talk to me?

48 replies

6weeks · 13/07/2007 09:39

I'm 6 weeks pregnant today and my bf has just packed his bags and walked out. He says it's only a break but he has packed all huis stuff and told me he has no feelings for me and the baby (which we planned) is not enough for him to stay. My pregnancy has unmasked a depression which has mainly involved me getting very upset at hurtful things he says to me.For example, he says I haven't involved him in the pregnancy. I have asked him to come to the appointments, found week by week websites, bought him "From Here to Paternity". From what I can gather the fact that I chose the hospital and I decided to have the odd cup of coffee is proof that I don't involve him. He has said our relationship is "bullshit" and he has no feelings for me. I am his first adult relationship, he is 36 and we had been together a year. I feel devastated. I accept I have a problem and have been to the GP and got myself referred. He just couldn't accept that it was his behaviour that was making me so upset. I'm not like that with anyone else.He initially said he would be here from me with the depression but has now changed his mind. I have a 7 year old daughter and I'm just feeling so ridiculously bad about this. What can I do to be normal happy mummy come 5pm? He has just sent me a text right now saying "so much for putting the baby first" which is what I said I'm doing. Could someone please get in touch and tell me I'm not going totally mad.

OP posts:

madmarchhare · 13/07/2007 10:04

I think time apart is exactly what you need to give you both time to decide what you want and expect from each other.

If he cant give you and your children the support and reassurance that you all deserve then maybe you need to start thinking about how you can manage by yourselves.

You sound like you already know that they must be your priority now.

EscapeFrom · 13/07/2007 10:06

He doesn't, 6weeks, he tells you what he wants you to hear.

He actually sounds extremely manipulatiive. I would fence him out for a bit -hhe has to learn he cannot control your feelings and behavior on a whim.

Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 10:11

I don't think I can bear to have him near me at the moment. The stress hormones are racing round my body, no good for me or Sesame Seed. I guess I'm just disappointed and sad I made a big mistake.

OP posts:

mrsmcv · 13/07/2007 10:22

I don't want to sound harsh but change the locks and tell him to marry his therapist if he's so pleased with what she says about him.

This isn't your problem, or to do with his mum or any bloody thing else, it's to do with him. He is clearly very very childish.

I made too many excuses for this sort of behaviour with my stbxh so make allowances for me being bitter and angry!

When gorgeous daughter comes home, do something lovely, have a pyjama party and let that daft idiot who is throwing away his chance to redeem himself and enjoy being a dad stew in his own juice and sort his self out. You know whose mum you are, and it isn't his xx

Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 10:32

Hello mrsmcv. I think you're right. I either need a grown man who can be there for me or I need no-one at all. What I don't need is to be made to feel like a headcase when all I'm doing is responding to how he treats me. It's all so clear to me. He upsets me, I get upset, he tells me I'm unloveable like that and then he walks. I have always maintained this was more about him than it was ever about me. What I need to do now is to stop crying, collect my inner strength and hold my head high. I can do this on my own. I raised my daughter on my own for a couple of years and I think I'm doing a bloody good job.

OP posts:

Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 10:39

Can I just get one more thing off my chest? Last night one of the things he said to me is that "You become your expectations and if you expect to get sick with morning sickness then you will". What the hell planet does this man live on. Also he advised me that he and his 2 male friends have decided that women only find childbirth so painful because they have been told it is so painful.What the hell am I doing with this supposedly enlightened man?

OP posts:

EllieG · 13/07/2007 10:43

He sounds like an idiot. Sorry, but he does. You need a grown-up to be in a relationship, not another child.

lomondgal · 13/07/2007 10:44

Hi 6 weeks, just wanted to say that you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior. He needs to grow up! If he can't support you through your pregnancy then how on earth would he be with a new baby? If you have to do this on your own there are people who can help you, you can do it.

Take care of yourself and your bump x

carolcoles · 13/07/2007 10:44

My heart goes out to you that you've discovered this side of him at such a difficult time. Maybee his attitudes will change later, or it's just the panic that pregnancy can bring out in all of us but that doesn't change the crappy way he has treated you. You sound like a switched on and sensible woman and you know what the best thing to do for you and your children. Mrsmcv has got the right idea in my eyes.

Good luck and stay positive XXXXXXXX

butterbeer · 13/07/2007 10:54

What the hell are you doing with him? Sounds like he's unwittingly done you a big favour by leaving.

Original poster

6weeks · 13/07/2007 10:56

It means so much to have your messages of support. I don't think I can wait around to find out if this is a pregnancy wobble for him or not. As I said to him last night, if you can stop loving me because of my being upset and hysterical what on earth are you going to do with a child, who lets face it Will behave in ways you don't like from time to time. Are you going to withhold love from the child the way you are with me. Sadly, because, yes the fool that I am loves him, I realise I have to do this on my own.

OP posts:

ara · 13/07/2007 11:12

Hi 6weeks, just quick message to say my DP let his previous partner when she was pregnant - v long and complicated story but i think it was a massive wobble combined with a whole load of other things. we are now 22 wks pregnant and his first child is 6, and i know he is finding it quite hard at times experiencing everything he missed out on last time.

Not sure why I'm telling you all this, but believe me, you can do this alone - you don't need someone playing havoc with your feelings like that. You're pregnant and need people around you who will love and support you through all your crazy moods and weepy spells. I think so many women are so much stronger than they realise (...and THAT'S the real reason men don't have to do the giving birth bit!) - you have a lovely little girl already and another lovely baby on the way. Life is good - please try and think about the positives.

It sounds to me as though your bf is a pretty selfish guy who just isn't ready to be a dad tbh - you can do better than someone who treats you like this so chin up and stick two fingers up to him.

In my experience blokes the best thing you can do is dust yourself down and get on with things. You have yourself and your lovely DC's to think about so don't waste your energy despairing over someone who is so self absorbed and who has problems that you can't change.

mrsmcv · 13/07/2007 11:17

Blimey, what an interesting set of opinions he and his friends have! Let this daft lad drift away into the night and try to forget you ever knew him. I'm sure he'll weed out lots of mates and therapists and so on to tell him how right he is about everything. You enjoy your babies, your life and your newly acquired peace of mind til lovely sexy grown up bloke appears.

BTW, my stbxh persuaded me I was suffering from all sorts of mental imbalances during my pregnancy, all a total load of rubbish. Only sign of mental incapacity on my part was ever getting involved with him

kittywits · 13/07/2007 11:20

Oh dear. You're not mad, quite clearly he is a wanker.
However hard it will be to bring up your baby without him I've a feeling it will be much easier than if he were there.

Tell him to piss off and grow up.

Keep strong.

ronshar · 13/07/2007 11:26

Does he think that we all love sitting with our heads down a stinking loo all day. Morning sickness my arse.
Take this weekend to search the house and anything that is his put in a box and leave outside. Being careful not to lift anything too heavy of course.
Use the time to sit down and enjoy being newly pregnant. Hug your tummy and you will soon realise that he is not important. Tell him you dont need him! That will give him a shock!
I wonder what his therapist would make of that!!

ronshar · 13/07/2007 11:27

Excellent Kitty. I wanted to say that too

MrsMcJnr · 13/07/2007 11:52

Hey 6weeks ? congratulations on your pg I am so sorry to hear about your BF it sounds like he has a lot of issues of his own to clear up and whilst it must be so hurtful, hopefully some time apart will give you the peace and time you need to get through the first hard weeks especially as you have a 7 yr old to consider too. Take good care of yourself x

MaeBee · 13/07/2007 13:47

6weeks - if you go to the top of any page, this thread included, there is an option for "local sites" click on there, and follow instructions!
your boyfriend sounds atrocious. and, sorry, but stupid too, whats with all the morning sickness, birth not hurting nonsense?!? i was once in a relationship with a counsellor and he was a real shmuck, the only ex i am not friends with. im not saying that counsellors are like that, im saying that whatever someones profession they can be an arse!

bambi06 · 13/07/2007 13:51

hes being very immature..i`m afraid this may be for the best .if he cant support you now when you really need it..what will the future bring? will u be able to rely onhim a t all?

suezee · 13/07/2007 13:55

he is an absolute moron..........do not let him make u feel like u have no dignity,because he doesnt seem very dignified to be putting you through this emotional strees at all in ur pregnancy let alone the first trimester.just know that u will have this little baby in the end that will love u unconditionally,so you have to be strong for the lil bean and the child u already have x

EllieG · 13/07/2007 22:08

How you doing this evening 6weeks?

skidoodle · 14/07/2007 22:31

He doesn't just sound like a wanker, he sounds controlling and abusive.

He was upset that you didn't consult him about how much coffee to drink?

He calls you up to check up on you and remind you of how defective you are?

He's dangerous and bad for you and your children.

I think you should take immediate steps to distance yourself from him. Maybe start by changing the locks.

Men like this often become more abusive and it can escalate to violence when their partner is pregnant.

Please be very careful.

derah · 14/07/2007 22:36

Hi 6weeks, how are you doing? I'm so sorry that you're in this situation right now, with a tiny new baby on the way, but this guy sounds like a total immature loser. Hadn't he only just moved in with you? And hadn't he been a real arse about something else lately? It must be so difficult to not get the support you need when you're so emotional and tired. Tell me where you live and I'll come over and kick his butt for you. There really is just no excuse for behaviour like that. Huge hugs, we're all thinking of you.

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