MAY 2017 #3 - Scans and plans !

[Adventuregame]

Thread number 3 for those due May 2017

Morning All, is anyone experiencing pain (pins and needles) in your, ekhm, perineum area? I'm 14 weeks and think it's far too early for SPD

badger I am eating a lot of citrus fruits too!

Successful 12 wk scan yesterday, no movement on DD so still 24/5. Only one bambino in there too thankfully as already have one!
Hope you all have lovely weekends despite the rain ☔️

Newbie I've already has some spd like pains (about 10-11 was) so not too early unfortunately! Could be do do with all the extra blood in that area tho , hope your not too uncomfortable.

Anyone else still waiting for their scan and not feeling very pregnant, or is it just me?

Raspberry - Hi. Ditto!

Ha! Thought I'd recognised your name Barnes!

I'm also feeling very isolated I moved to London 3 years ago to be with DH, he was adamant he didn't want to leave London and that career opportunities would be fantastic for me.

They have been, I've never been happier in my job and love the city life and being here with him... but I have no friends here, zero. I'm not great at making friends as it is and all my friends are back home in the Bristol area along with my family.

When I do see my friends, it's because I go to visit them and tie it in with visiting my family. In the 3 years I've been here, I've had one friend from Bristol come to visit me, despite plenty of offers to them. It's too far, I don't know London (I live near Dartford ) are the general excuses. Yet I'm made to feel guilty when I don't visit often enough - this includes my parents, who have visited once because my dad can't leave his dogs overnight.

Up until now this hasn't worried me, but the prospect of being a new, first time mum with no support other than my DH (who is bloody brilliant) is kind of daunting. I'm worried I'll never see my friends unless I go to them which doesn't seem fair.

I don't even know how to broach this with people without upsetting anyone? Ideas?

RasperryInAMelon in terms of support, in my experience what you really need is some other mums with babies a similar age just to have a cup of tea and a chat with. Or even just being able to chat to any kind of friends/relatives/random strangers in general, to pass the time, rant to, and stave off boredom.

Especially if you breastfeed, there's not much family and friends can do in the early days in the way of practical support - generally in the first few months most women don't want to leave their baby to be babysat by anyone other than perhaps their other half. Okay, I suppose a good friend or relative can come and help with a bit of housework or watch baby for a bit while you go and have a shower etc, but it's not usually anything lifesaving and really hiring a cleaner would be more helpful!

I know it's daunting if you don't have any support nearby but what I'm trying to say is that even if family and friends do live close by it doesn't always make much difference.

We met a few couples through NCT classes the first time round, we haven't become close friends but especially in the early days it was nice to meet up and chat/moan about lack of sleep etc. I also met someone at free NHS postnatal group who I've become close friends with. So I'd say try whatever you can to meet new friends especially if you can't rely on your old ones to come and visit!

Thanks Mamushka

I'm not expecting them to be there to help, more just having them to talk to, catch up and go for a coffee even now.

They've all said about how excited they are for DH and I, which I'm sure they are, but I doubt anyone friends or family will come to visit us to meet or new arrival when then get here. The first time they meet will be when we decide to travel down. It bugs me that there's an expectation that we will always visit them and never any give and take.

When I say support, it's just about being able to talk, face to face with the people you love most.

DH and I haven't decided on NCT classes yet, they seem very expensive and we're not sure if it's something we can stretch to sadly. I know that we will make other friends at classes etc who will be in the same boat, I'm just the kid that always sits on her own and doesn't talk to others properly. Joys of being autistic I guess...

I know I'm having a funny old emotional day today, so probably letting things get to me more than I should.

Thanks

I'm just the kid that always sits on her own and doesn't talk to others properly Oh god I'm the same, I can go to the same toddler group for weeks and weeks and weeks and not talk to any other mums. Not autistic although I do tick a lot of the Aspie boxes and have considered pursing a diagnosis but worried I won't 'qualify' and that would just be really frustrating! I want to chat with people but I am worried to approach them. I sometimes wish our culture was more like the American way of being more friendly and chatty with strangers. It would make it easier for me as I'm fine once someone else shows they're friendly and up for a chat.

Sometimes you end up meeting people through things like Mumsnet or local FB mums groups etc. I'm on a sleep deprived mums group on FB and three of us recently discovered we're in the same town so I'll be meeting them soon and maybe we'll make friends, who knows.

I think you'll just have to be a bit frank with them and say something like "sorry, but it's really tough for me to travel with a newborn (make up some excuses about sleeping habits or baby hating car journeys etc), I would love to see you though - fancy popping over to visit? I'd love a bit of company!"

If they don't want to visit, sod 'em... I know what it's like to have relatives that disappoint. My dad makes hardly any effort with me. I still love him, but I'll no longer go out of my way to bring DS to see him if he can never be arsed to make the effort back...

raspberry I totally get it, I am from another country and have NO family here, it is very hard.
I have a handful of friends scattered all around London but none of them have children yet.
I am planning on going to a NCT bumps meeting closer to the time,hopefully to meet some other mums.

I also get what you mean Raspberry, my ILs are near Bristol (I'm near London) and I feel they won't visit much and friends quite dispersed. I'm lucky that my family are near but I think it'll always be tricky socially with a new baby. The thought of mum and baby groups is a little unappealing as I like to talk about something other than babies time to time! And I think a lot of people struggle to get very involved in that kind of environment (myself included). But I think I need to force myself to go to those.

Raspberry I have met a gazzilion mummies in the last two years and it's been great to have some friends for play dates and coffee while on mat leave. I personally didn't find a new best pal but I already have one of those close by. I have seen a few friendships form from nothing tho where you just click and they are very much best friends now so it could happen. I completely understand that you are a 'talk to no one' kind of person, but I haven't met a single person who wasn't polite, interested and kind for the 5 min chat you have while your kids play with the same thing. you can assess pretty quick if they are your type of person, in which case ask for their number and arrange to meet up! Getting out the house was how I coped with parenthood, couldn't stay home all day having previously had a full time full on career it was too much of a change for me. massive ramble, apologies for that. I didn't do NCT as was such a lot of money, When you have your baby ask the HV about a new parents course at the children's centre, I met a huge network that way and I'm pretty sure it's offered most places (and free!!)

Raspberry- I'm rubbish at making new friends (apparently I'm a tad standoff-ish!) so found the mum and baby groups a bit daunting at first. My advice is get into as many as you can. It'll be hard at first, you'll feel awkward as the newbie but very quickly a younger baby will join and you could approach them to welcome them.
I made a few "friends" during Mat leave and we met up outside of baby groups for coffee etc but not heard from anyone since being back at work. I'm ok with it as they helped fill the time on mat leave and they were a nice bunch of ladies, just not my usual crowd! Does DH have any friends with girlfriends or wives?

I feel for you Raspberry. Before having a baby I was never very social and didn't have friends locally (I'm also in London). But since having one, getting out and chatting to other mums has become very important to my well being. The great thing about small children is that they are easy to talk about (hasn't he got lovely eyes etc.) and most parents are more than happy to chat about their kids.

I did do NCT classes which I thought were well worth the ££. Especially in the early days. Five days in I caught the bus for a coffee with the others and I was so proud of myself. We still talk on whatsapp everyday and go to playgroups etc during the week.

Wow! Thank you all for your advice and comments!

Nelly I'm tempted by mum and baby groups once LO is here, just need to see if I can build up the courage to go to these things and not feel awkward...

Mamushka I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD as a youngster, the ADHD side of things kind of tailed off as I got older, wait what's that over there?... my attention span got far better! But my awkwardness and dislike for making new friends is still there, which is so infuriating, because I know that once I actually get talking to people, there's no shutting me up!

It's going to be a tough conversation to have with friends and family, but you're right - I can't be expected to be doing a 4 hour round journey to see them all the time. I don't mind doing it occasionally, but there needs to be some give and take.

Moo I think that's where a lot of my social set backs arise from, my dad was in the army and I spent my youth travelling around Germany so never settled and made friends, I feel your pain.

Peach and Peas just goes back to my sheer dislike of making new friends - I might have to have a nice warm glass of 'man up' for men and my babies sake?** Like I say, once I get going I'm fine, it's just getting to that point.

Sonnet in regards to DHs friends WAGS - it's been tough. We planned to start trying for a baby in August thinking it would take a while - our potential plan was to either move back to Bristol so I could be closer to my friends and family, or that we went to Brighton which is where DH went to Uni and all the WAGS there have young families and I get on great with them which would have probably been what we ended up doing. However, 3 days after we started trying, I fell pregnant! Which is amazing, but does mean that financially we aren't in a position to move now for a good 2-5 years I think.

Esme - are you central London? I'm finding there aren't a huge range of mummy things to do where I live

Wow! That was far longer than I anticipated, as I say - thanks to everyone for your support.

Is anyone based in South West London? I'm near Dartford, working in Mayfair.

I'm in North London Raspberry. It's very residential here and there are loads of play groups and baby classes. I don't know your area at all I'm afraid. But the Hoop app is great for finding kid friendly things to do. And I'd recommend joining your local FB parents group. Great for meeting people and finding out what's going on.

Hey Raspberry, I live in BR5 which is not far from Dartford. Do you commute via Victoria? We could pop out for a coffee

I'm a couple of junctions round the M25 from you raspberry and not being that central the options for groups are more limited here. I don't know if I'd manage going further in with a young baby but then again this whole baby thing is completely new to me! I need to look into the local area. I'm sure there must be local things around for everyone.

In fact, hugely coincidentally im in the very same place as newbie!

Raspberry I find it extremely hard to make new friends and I was the first of our friends to have a baby so I was starting from scratch. We didn't do NCT. I did prenatal yoga but didn't click or stay in touch with anyone.

But when baby arrived, I went to several groups. Baby clubs at local Children's Centres, baby yoga, breastfeeding groups. I met my best mum friend when we were the only two at a breastfeeding group and we just clicked. We met a third lady we clicked with at baby massage. Playgroup or baby group was too big for me to feel comfortable so I usually sat quietly and just played with my baby, but they are all worth a try.

Since then we moved abroad and I'm in a country as an expat wife, not speaking the language and with no support system. Not even the most present or supportive DH really. I've found making friends here extremely hard and I have really forced myself to go to the few international activities and groups. Mostly I spend time with people because we are all expat mums with babies and toddlers. But there are three or four I have clicked with and get on with more broadly. So it is possible and it will happen.

I'm pretty set on moving back to the UK before this baby comes but it might be to a new area so we'd be starting afresh again. Previously this would have terrified me but now I think: if I can make a few decent friends and stay in touch with existing UK friends during and after an international move, the prospect of doing it in the UK where I speak the language and where there will be so many more activities and groups to take advantage of seems not quite so daunting!

I totally get the anxiety though. Post here whenever you need xx

Newbie that'd be lovely! I work FT during the week, but would be lovely to arrange something! I commute via Charing Cross, but Victoria isn't too far to get to either.

Peach I know what you mean - I think I'll be looking at classes and groups in the local area rather than going into the city if possible

Id also be happy to meet for a coffee, especially before the point I need to waddle to the station

Peach and Raspberry** how about a coffee somewhere close to Victoria station? What day/ time would suit you best? I work FT too, Wednesdays and Thursdays are good for me as I mostly WFH during other days.