April 2015 Thread 11: The finish line is in sight as we get closer to maternity leave and our babies!

[BrixtonBunny]

Old thread getting full xx

And mrswibble, can you say no? No idea what the mil plans are this time bit last time we said no visitors for 2 weeks so she only came for a weekend after 2 weeks and still pissed me off...
I had just got the baby to sleep and she dropped her book loudly on the floor. Ahrgh.

Cinnamom how horrible hope you're ok today. Digestive systems have definitely slowed down!

Mswibble is there any way you can say no to MIL? Really not what you need with new baby in the house. I can understand she wants to help but if she wants to be entertained - and the fact that she is imposing on your space and time with new baby - it sounds like a bad idea! Agree with implementing visiting hours!

Brixton I am the same, just can't sleep anymore... Not for more than an hour at a time.

Thankfully last full day at work today. After this I have a half day Thursday morning and that's all I'm just exhausted and can't be bothered today. Bet it's a horrible day too!

For ladies having trouble sleeping - this may be a weird suggestion, but have you tried earplugs? I started using them a couple of weeks ago, and while my bladder is still waking me up, I'm otherwise getting the same hours. The problem was that every little house-noise was waking me up rather than that I was physically uncomfortable.

Now I've typed that, what's the betting that they stop working tonight? ;)

wibble I was worried about any of my family coming and expecting us to put them up (as we live away from everyone), driving straight here before we had even had a chance to bring her home. I dreaded that part and even was debating not saying she had been born until a few days had passed. But then last month we were told my MIL has an aggressive cancer with a crap survival chance, I have to admit it puts things into perspective. I haven't thought about it since. Plus it wasn't even really my MIL out of everyone my PIL would have been the easier ones, it was the grand parents in general and all the fuss straight after birth that I was worried about.

Now I just hope things work out and my daughter has a chance to meet her grand mother.

Defo not spoilt mswibble I think mil is being selfish not considering how you feel. My mum is coming from Spain but she's already said she will stay in hotel and will come after 2 weeks when DH goes back to work so that I've got support for a bit longer rather than being on my own.
ania that visiting hours is a brill idea! I might set something like that up myself because we both have massive families so there will be a lot of people wanting to visit I imagine, especially with it being the first of the next generation.

I think that's perfectly reasonable mswibble, especially if there's somewhere really close she can stay cheaply. It's a tough time and you will be emotional and the last thing you want is for you both to say things you wish you hadn't and end up with tension in your relationship forever. My mil couldn't care less and actually said that she thought Dh said he'd pickle his bits. Sil has been great but she also believes we shouldn't be having another.

Thanks all, I did get off to sleep quite quickly when I went back to bed. Dh and I had a discussion about dss and he was up a lot of the night thinking about it. We've been through so much in the last 10 years with trying to juggle us, dss and his mum and our own ds's and survived but I actual feel scared that these teenage years may break us. The only time I feel Dh and I aren't in it together is when dss is here and then it's the two of them against me :(

Morning all.

Squatting amazed you're only in need of panty liners now!

DD stayed in sleeping bags until she was 2.3 then she went into her bed with duvet.

cinnamon sorry to hear you've not been well, do you feel better now? On DSS I have no personal experience of this (or of children older than 3) but you seem like such a thoroughly reasonable nice calm person and that should stand you in good stead for teenage years. Try my to worry about it before you have to.

mswibble - my sympathies. I wouldn't put up with that tbh. I bet your mw would say family needs time and space to bond as a unit yadda yadda can you not use this to put your point of view across? Or as someone else said could she be put up by your parents for a few days?

Siarie I absolutely take your point on perspective and am really sorry to hear that your MIL not well. I will be honest and say that I would still find it tricky accommodating extra people in the house with a new baby (and DD) to contend with.

Tiny - we also got airwraps when DD was about 8 months and the thrashing and crawling around the cot started. Will use them again this time around provided some new and terrifying research hasn't since been published!

Penguin I am jel of your last day being today. I'm only PT so only have to go in Mondays and Tuesdays but that does mean that last day isn't until 17th March which feels like yonks.

DD outdid herself last night not going to sleep until 9 (!) and then waking up wailing and shouting at 542am this morning. Went into settle her and she told me not to tuck her in and to go back to my bedroom so after fairly feeble remonstrating on my part I took her at her word and went back to bed. At which point my mum went in and read her stories for over an hour.

I am looking forward to the return of DH from his Cape Town jaunt today and the resumption of normal parent-toddler relations. And dare I whisper it - house back to myself again?!

Morning everyone

Mswibble - I'm dreading the thought of any of my partners family coming to visit. However as they live close by they won't be staying over, but I still can't stand the thought of them being around at all like you said, my own mum is like me and wouldn't dream of interfering and always gives us breathing space. My partners mum however, is completely unaware of when she's outstayed her welcome. She "popped round" in the morning the other weekend when my partner had his daughter to stay, and ended up staying til around 5pm!! Neither of us knew quite what to say to her as she she showed up unexpected, too! That's the worst.

Annia - I didn't realise the NHS also didn't recommend it, but thankfully makes sense.
The Mothercare website under the 'Bedding' section also states
"Cot bumpers are not recommended for children who can sit unaided. Check bumper ties regularly and make sure they are secure.
Ask your midwife or health visitor for advice on reducing the risk of cot death.
Also ask if they have any leaflets you can read."
I can only imagine that the reason they aren't completely ruling them out is because they still happen to sell them.

Ebwy - Yes I have a picture saved on my phone from a while back that is a picture of a cot with "No teddies, No clutter, No loose blankets, No bumpers, No pillows" etc. Just because a baby looks cute all cosy, snuggly and warm, it just isn't necessary as we all know they need to be just the right temperature anyway. Also agree with the Dummy Clips. I remember when the personalized ones were all in 'fashion' a few years back. But I do remember reading somewhere last year about them being unsafe. Just another thing that's not necessary but looks 'cute' .

Who says she is staying mrswibble? You'll be the one who will have just had a baby so if you don't want her to stay then tell your OH asap because this sort of thing will cause resentment in future. It's probably the only time in your life you are going to say "what I want comes first". You will also need privacy to establish breastfeeding. Her expectations are not a priority. Your OH will have to deal with her if he wants a happy mrs wibble.

Go Chicken!

I agree with Chicken, although I know how hard it is. Since becoming pregnant though I do feel like I've got a bit more inner strength to be able to get my point across when it comes to people I don't want to see or things I don't want to do! Probably hormones crossed with the fact that it's not just me standing up for myself anymore, it's me standing up for me and my baby.
I can't say my point always gets across and sometimes it does cause little tiffs but overall I think he's for the jist that now, I just don't want to spend as much time with his family as I felt like I 'had' to before.
I'm sure your Mother-In-Law wouldn't of put up with her mother in law doing the same, and that's the way I try to see it!

I woke in a foul mood this morning so I had it out with him. Ive told him its not happening, full stop. He's not happy about it but he's going to have to suck it up. I dont want to have to make myself look presentable or cover up whilst getting to grips with bf, surviving on little to no sleep whilst bonding with my baby. Im not compromising on this at all. im fully expecting the christening thing to come up again but thats a whole other fight and story for another time!

I slept terribly last night too, got awful cramp at the bottom of my bump and I couldnt turn over without it absolutely killing.

cinnamon hope you're feeling much better now, sounds awful!

wibble what if you thank her for the offer but inform her that you won't need her there whilst DH is on paternity leave, and that once he's back she's welcome to come down and so she can help during the day, but obviously there just isn't space for her to stay comfortably so you'll get her the details of some places she can stay, did she want breakfast etc options at those places?

I really resent that it's expected you'll have some sort of open house for newborn baby oggling. Last time there were troves of people I'd never bloody met coming through PiL's house (we were living there at the time) all expecting to get a newborn cuddle, and it made me so uncomfortable, I don't deal well with strangers in person at the best of times, but I just wanted to grab DD and hide in the bedroom. It made it so awkward for feeding too, because I didn't exactly feel like I could get my boobs out round all the people I didn't know, so I tried to feed her between guests, and she never wanted feeding at those times.

I remember on one of the days between us coming home and being readmitted, my parents had come with mums cousin and her husband (because they had most of our baby stuff including the crib, and it needed bringing) whilst they were still there and building things and having newborn cuddles DH's aunt and uncle and nan and his two cousins all turned up with a huge box of bits that they'd bought and sat expectantly waiting for me to sit and unwrap it all and have newborn cuddles (I also feel awkward about opening presents in front of people) There wasn't a room in the house that didn't have people in, and then the midwife turned up, I almost cried!! She made a point of being quite loud about how unacceptable and unnecessary all the people were, but no one noticed!

This time I suggested to both mum and MiL that perhaps DH and I needed two weeks with the girls before guests started to arrive and they both said that accepting guests for the oggling was some sort of necessary evil that was non-negotiable I might have to get DH to send some sort of message round pre-warning people that my 'boobs will be on show, so people of a delicate disposition should probably wait till we've established breastfeeding, but here's a lovely picture of our newborn baby looking just like every other newborn baby they've ever seen...'

Hmm.. early morning ramble essays

I think we are going to have a strict "parents and siblings only" rule for the first week at least (and that's only ok because they all live either in Brighton or in London so no need to have lengthy visits ) then maybe have a few "visiting hours" slots after that. There will be lots of time for visitors later, I think we will just play up how tired / sore I am and the need to establish breastfeeding.

Boo that sounds so unreasonable of them! Can you politely tell them "my house, my baby, my rules so bugger off if you think extended family are coming?" I've read in lots of places that it's not good for newborns to be handled by lots of people as it's confusing for them as the only people and smells they recognise are mum and dad, so maybe tell them that!

Mswibble sorry you've had a rubbish night, but hopefully talking to your partner has helped and is a weight off your mind.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels in a similar situation! I presumed people actually liked having lots of people round!
Also agree with the presentable thing, although I don't think I will be breastfeeding, I still want to get the hang of overall generally feeding, holding baby etc without feeling like I'm being judged or people stepping in to 'help'! I don't think I've actually ever held a newborn baby before let alone feed one so it'll all be new to me and I want to bond without prying eyes!

Boo I would be furious! And would make me feel so trapped

Eek I thought I had it bad when DHs grandma turned up 10mins after I got home from the hospital! It annoyed the crap out of me at the time and I still hold a grudge. I'd already been in hospital for a week and they turned up everyday for visiting hours. (I'd had DD at 12pm and they were there by the 2pm visiting. I understand that they were going on holiday for 5 weeks but really it was ridiculous. I was trying to establish bf and I wasn't having an easy time of getting DD latched properly. She needed feeding when they turned up and I just ranted at DH upstairs that they should have rang and asked if they could come round. (I secretly think perhaps he told them our every move and that's how they knew we were in) I told him I was feeding her and they should either come back later or wait for all I cared. Caused a bit of a rift between us as he didn't see the harm in it. Typical man! We made up eventually but this time I'm having rules that everyone needs to ring and arrange an appointment or be turned away. It's going to be hard enough integrating another person into our little unit of 3 without all these people around us. I'll be letting everyone know well before this one is born so there will be no hurt feelings.

Catching up made me forget what I was going to post in the first place!

My random dream from last night- I was kidnapped by Ziggy Stardust! Was extremely bizarre and it was definitely Bowie in his Ziggy persona not his normal self. I wasn't even born when he was Ziggy!

The whole barrage of visitors thing is a tricky one. A while ago I had a melt down about it ...don't know if I said but Dh's younger cousin and his sister plan on "gifting" us a week of help. (Both Staying here, we have no "spare" room) when baby is literally just born. When I was ranting to DH about what a nightmare this will be I also tried to tell him we'd have to be strict with all visitors so they didn't hang around all day and for all the reasons you've all said... He was huffy about this saw it as a dig against his family.

But its hard because everyone lives far away I can't just say pop in between 2 and 4! And talking to some of my family they were far more ready to back off and visit later on and I found myself thinking how isolated I might feel if nobody comes!!

I've informed my fiance that we will NOT be letting his entire extended family come in to "meet the baby" when they haven't come anywhere near the place in the past 4 and a half years. And that if they turn up anyway and he's daft enough to let them in I have no problem taking the baby upstairs (or out to my friend's house) and not coming back until they've gone. His parents, sister, nephew, and one of his aunts are welcome because they care about my boys too, the rest can bugger off!

We need the time he's off to get the boys used to having another baby here etc not for people my boys don't know to come and gawp thus upsetting them (because they don't seem to care about my boys, his step children), especially when I'm bleeding and leaking from everywhere including boobs out. He says he knows I'm right but telling them that might be difficult... I will bloody tell them myself if I have to but it won't be tactful if I do!

I also don't want visitors except him at the hospital - I don't want my boys to come because it will upset them and me when they leave, and I certainly don't want anyone else to meet their baby sister before they do!

I don't know how we're going to handle visitors. My parents have already said not to worry and they'll come down after DH had gone back to work for a couple of weeks (staying in a hotel), but my MIL is an interesting one. She wasn't coming down until towards the end of May but now she's talking about being warned about me going into labour so she has time to book a hotel and somewhere for the dogs...... my FIL is the kind of person who will just turn up so we might not tell him for a while!

Good for you mswibble. We had hardly any visitors first two wks on advice of NCT teacher. Takes a while to get your BF confidence and not feel like you're waving your boob about all over the place - best done quietly and in private!

To all those having problems with persistent rellies, maybe a notice for the door 'No admittance except midwives'. A bit like the one in the hobbit 'no admittance except on party business'. I would add 'unless you fancy taking DD to pizza express for a couple of hours'.

RL I'm pretty unsociable at the best of times (and my Mum is even worse - hence why MIL staying with them would be an absolute no no!) and just cannot abide people being around me 24/7. I'm a bit of a loner really and love solitude! I'm exactly the same re bonding with the baby too. I think I've held a newborn once and that was literally for about 30 seconds as I was terrified. I think I'm going to feel awkward enough at first without feeling like I'm being scrutinised and watched. I'm really looking forward to our ante natal classes now as I'm sure they will reinforce the importance of family bonding time for just the three of us. Its a shame he hasn't once looked at my 'What To Expect' book as maybe then he will have some idea of what I've been going through for the last 7 months and what is awaiting me when bambino makes his arrival!
And I'm definitely getting more assertive! Not just with OH but with everything, woe betide anyone who crosses me at the moment.

lauren thats exactly what I'm worried about. I've no real problem with MIL (the fact that the Irish sea separates us is a blessing TBH) but I know myself that when I'm stressed, upset, scared I lash out and I will end up snarling something at her or about her that will cause WWIII. Its just not worth it!
And that dream sounds fab! Though I would definitely prefer him in Jareth mode! dance magic dance magic dance!

siarie I'm sorry to hear that your MIL is so ill. Must be such a tough time for you all. I understand what you're saying and it is true that part of me does hesitate as she's in her 70's, she's over in Ireland and she won't be around for ever (and certainly not as long as my parents who are only just 50) BUT I'm not willing to share those first weeks with anyone but OH. Her daughter has had her kids and MIL was around all the time helping with feeding, etc so its not as though I'm depriving her of this chance to help with grandchildren. My baby will be her fifth, and she's had two of them living with her when they were newborn.

Yes Mswibbles his leggings/tights in labyrinth were particularly revealing!

Oh my god I'm on the 3rd computer restart of the day already. It was being so slow as it was updating something so just had to restart it again and it updated and restarted itself again! That makes 4 restarts! I've done nothing all morning while I'm waiting for it to fix itself.

mmmmmmm jareth definitely! I agree, mrswibble

"Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down, and I have done it all for you! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous? "

sorry, just getting a bit carried away here.... lol