Graduated Elerberries - 30+ and expecting DC1 (thread no 4)

[HazleNutt]

Welcome old and new graduates and everybody else who wants to join us, elderly primigravidas aka Elderberries.

Hi Alex, I had lots of discharge (sorry couldnt think of a good way to put that) early on and that felt a little like you describe....at least I think it did. Might be worth calling your midwife or the hosp to ask??

We got our new car yesterday, I felt like a little leprachan driving it, its much bigger than my aygo. A nice drive though.

Had a bit of a row with my mum last night, I asked her if she could help me make a few bump bands to extend the life of some of my work trousers. She said I needed to stop being so stupid and just buy new clothes. I got a bit upset/annoyed as I thought asking for her help would be a nice thing to help her feel involved. I actually said that she had told me to ask if I needed help, I ask and get called stupid. Her response was to say god your hormonal arent you. Thing is after losing all that cash I want to save money for the baby rather than splurging on clothes which I'll only wear for a few months. She just said I was tight and needed to grow up and accept that I need to buy new stuff. Am I being unreasonable? My OH was their and took my mums side which made it even worse, dont know why he cant back me up once in a while, sometimes feel like Im doing it all alone. Sorry for long moan

Alex I don't recall a sensation of pressure down there, although I did have loads of pains, twinges, aches, etc., early on so maybe I did and I just don't associate it? I agree with what others have said - it's probably worth a peace of mind phone call to get a second opinion otherwise you'll just worry and it could ruin your weekend. And step away from Dr Google as we all know you Google that your finger nail is bleeding and Dr google tells you you've got AIDS.

Mother it doesn't sound to me like you're being hormonal by trying to wear your clothes a bit longer. It's just common sense while you're between needing normal and maternity clothes and I certainly did it. In fact I am still wearing some non-maternity stretchy tops now with a bump band. I wouldn't bother faffing around making them though, New Look do packs of 3 bands for about £10.

Definitely think a call to EPU wouldn't go amiss Alex if only because the worry could make it worse. Fx for you. It could be just one of those things, but definitely check check check!

Mother that's daft, I totally get it. It's nice if they're trying to encourage you to treat yourself, but if you don't have the cash and they know that, that's just plain mean unless they're offering to pay for you. Definitely head to New Look -as well as bump bands they have other essentials that are really cheap and go value - two packs of over-bump leggings for £15 for example. I also got my work mat trousers in the sale for £15 or so (tho have now outgrown them so have reverted back to only one-buttoning and wearing long tops to cover the gaps).

Being pregnant and skint is very tough. And I say that as a middle class professional who has it easy compared to people on, say, benefits. But given that one of the biggest issues with being pregnant is adapting to your changing body, it is really upsetting if you can't afford to buy clothes for yourself or get a haircut for example.

My problems are entirely my own fault, but it hurts like hell when DP makes comments that I'm not making an effort or complaining that I'm wearing the same thing again or that my hair needs cutting. I know these things, but I cannot justify £30 on a haircut if it's a choice between that or buying lunch/gaviscon/something that the baby needs. He seems to forget that just because he's ok for money doesn't mean everyone else is!

His weekly after-bills budget is something like £150, whereas mine hasn't been over £60 at all at any point during pregnancy (birthdays and christmas and weddings etc still happen) and has been down to £25 at times.

It's a tough time Mother, so I totally understand.

Brave your DP is ok for money and you have to choose between haircut/gaviscon/baby stuff? And he complains you're not making an effort?
You're having a baby, there should be some kind of sharing of the resources. Have you discussed how it will work when you're on mat leave and without income?

Oh just realised it's Friday, which means I'm 39 weeks. Getting close.

A friend of mine just had her second baby - and hour and a half labour, only gas and air (even got giggles at one point) and she described it as nice and quick! She's mid 30s. So there's a nice thought for all of you due soon. her first birth was harder but let's not dwell on that She said she managed to control her breathing which helped.

I am staying in bed and keeping my legs crossed until my scan on Tues, will be a long few days! The pressure feeling went but is back now. Hard for me to get to hospital as I forgot our car is out of action and it's two trains, so I had to cancel the appointment EPU gave me and they said they don't have any others today.

Oh no Alex you should have called and I would have given you a lift, or a mini cab would have been cheap enough?

Hazle - 39 weeks, eek, really isn't long now for you. Feeling organised? Does it feel 'real' yet? It really doesn't to me, even though it's looking like two weeks today I will have a baby.

When you think of how slowly time passed to begin with it's crazy hey. Can't believe so many of us are nearly there already...

I do think we're quite organised. But no, still does not feel real. And of course, could still be 2 weeks for me as well - no signs, still feel the same.

This will sound absurd but this is the time it's kind of a disadvantage that I've had such an easy pregnancy. Most women I know have been feeling so miserable by now that they can't wait to give birth, no matter what it will feel like, as long as they get the baby out. I'm still fine, nothing hurts, not tired - so quite scared of the labour.

Brave I hope you bite back when tour OH says those things to you. As a hormonal pregnant lady i'd say he's lucky to still be alive mine wouldn't be. I agree with Hazle, surely now is the time to pool your resources?

Alex did whoever you spoke to on the phone give you any indication whether they thought it was the start of something? I assume their advice was to rest?

How exciting that in 2 weeks at least one Elderberry baby will definitely be here! Hopefully more! Hazle and Janey, the race is on!

I have been dog walking with my friend whose due date is today getting some funny looks as other dog walkers pass two walruses waddling up and down hills totally out of breath, and she says it's only just hit her that baby is coming soon and she's starting to panic a bit. She has gone home to try to eat 6 whole pineapples. I, on the other hand, have been quietly panicking for a good month already even though I don't think mine is going to put in an appearance for another few weeks. Like you say Alex, controlling your breathing is important and I worry that i'm not going to cope with the pain and my breathing will all go to shit.

I am rubbish at pain too cavort I still don't feel like it's really going to happen and am just hopeful it gets that far. Bet I'll wake up at 39 weeks, face reality and start crapping myself

Am at EAPU now, they've said it will be lots of waiting round but they'll try and see me at some point. You can't speak to anyone on the phone who can give proper advice so this is the only way of seeing a doctor and hopefully a sonographer.

Holy crochet needles Hazle 39 weeks! Wow

Thanks for the money thoughts - it's a very long story, and DP isn't as bad as perhaps I'm painting him, but it does bother me at times, like when we get some furniture and he wants me to pay exactly half. Or when we go shopping and he spends ages looking for clothes anywhere he wants (and I'm restricted to a place where I have a voucher).

He does offer to help at times, but generally he wants paying back, so I know I can't commit to that and decline. Tho he did just give me £100 to make sure my dad was paid off before baby comes (one of my loans lol).

I think the hardest things have been petty stuff like wanting/needing new maternity bras and just having to suck it up with the older ones (thank god I stopped growing a couple of weeks ago), wanting some decent maternity wear etc ie vanity stuff. And then when I do have money, I want to spend it on doing something fun together like a trip to the pictures or something as I simply cannot justify spending it on myself - there is always something 'better' to spend on!

The good news is though that this tight regime is paying off - after this month I'm £250 a month better off (two loans paid off this month), and have clawed back something like 4-5k in debt in the last 18months-2 years.

The bad news is that afterwards we'll have childcare to pay lol

Awesome book alert! Cavort and Hazle and Janey and everyone approaching the fear... I downloaded Birth Skills by Juju Sundin onto my Kindle the other day (decided it was an essential purchase lol) and it's really really good.

Lots of very practical ideas about coping with labour, but with an attitude of 'having help is still okay/interventions or pain relief do not equal failure' which is pretty awesome. Can't recommend it enough, have definitely started to feel less anxious...

Good luck at EPAU Alex - definitely a good decision. Have everything crossed for you...

Brave I do think you need to have a talk. If you will be the main caretaker, then even after the mat leave, this will have a significant impact on your income - or would he share everything 50/50, including staying home with a sick child, nursery drop offs, doc appointments, schoolruns etc?
Each family must, of course, find it's own way but it does not sound fair to have one partner comfortably off and the other one struggling. And I'm saying this as the main earner - all the money is joint and DH has exactly the same right to use it.

good decision Alex, it's probably (hopefully) nothing, but you would only worry otherwise.

You're right Hazle and I agree. In fact we had words last night as the internet at home had broken and I overreacted slightly at the implication that it would be me, once again, expected to take time off work to wait in for engineer. (He didn't say that, but everytime something has gone wrong in the house, it's been me that's had to stay in to get it fixed as I work closer (40-min walk) than he does (75min drive)).

After all these years, I have suddenly realised why women's careers suffer so much - it's the presumption that mum will pick up the slack if baby/kid is sick. Very unusual for it to be equal.

Now a huge chunk of my money issues have been resolved (my outgoings from next month will equal what he pays ex for child maintenance, I think), I'm hopeful that he will start being a bit more fair about money - he often comments that my finances are dragging us down as a family, even though he's very financially comfortable!

I can't argue with that in a way as it is true, but it's hardly fair to keep rubbing my nose in it when the problems were created long before we met, and given that I've worked so hard to resolve everything - and prioritised 'our' needs above my own, it seems harsh.

Brave - I think hazle is right - it's a good time to resolve finances going forward. I, like hazle, earn more than my DP but our money is very much our money handy when I'm about to take a year off I also know he will help me out when I reach the end of mat leave and stop being paid...

Alex - glad your getting checked out. Let me know how you get on.

Just been to midwife appt... Was the one assigned to me, that I've seen several times, and she said she'd next see me when I was at home with a baby. Argh!! BP still high but seems to have levelled since last time, rather than going up more as usual, which was good. And oddly haven't put on any weight despite eating like a pig since finishing work over the last couple of weeks. Thank goodness, I'm too scared to look at the scales these days!

Oh and baby has gone from a brief sideways sojourn to head down again and 4/5 engaged. Does that mean not very engaged - so 3/5 would mean more engaged? Bump is still stupidly high and heartburn no better so I presume so...

Yes 4/5 means not very low yet -

Your midwife will write a figure in your notes to record how many fifths of your baby's head she can feel above the edge of your pelvis. So 5/5 or 4/5 in your notes means that your baby hasn't dropped down yet, while 3/5 or 2/5 or less means that your baby is engaged.

Well, that's it, I'm now officially a lady of leisure! It's a strange. Everyone was saying how they've never known anyone work up until so late in their pregnancy so I felt a hit like a hero until I remembered Hazle

Alex - hope they can provide some reassurance at the EPU for you.

Brave - I echo what everyone else has said that your financial situation doesn't seem quite right to me. We have separate finances and I'm not sure how it's all going to work now I'm on maternity leave but I'm confident he wouldn't let me go without basics while he had money. Perhaps a chat is needed?

Jealous of all these babies with heads engaged, what's mine playing at then hmmm? Her head isn't engaged at all apparently (Ignores fact she only turned upside down three days ago)

Purple you are definitely a bit of a hero given your adventures along the way! So pleased you can now chillax a bit!

TBH not sure I'm ready for an engaged baby yet - the occasional headbutts and punches are bad enough, don't know how I'd manage with a fully engaged bub but I think waddling will be involved she'll drop when she's ready probably when furthest away from toilet , panic ye not

Any word from EPU yet Alex? Thinking of you.

Good news at MW appt Janey if a tad on the scary side to get a see you on the other side message!

Funny about your midwife though Janey, mine has booked another appt with me when I'll be 39 weeks so she's obviously still expecting to see me again!

I'm currently receiving texts telling me all about how another girl from work (who I barely know) has finally had her baby and how it's was a 72 hour labour because she was induced...why? Why do people feel the need to tell you these things? (It's also nonsense as there's no way she was actually in full labour that long so they must be counting from the very first twinge and that's just cheating)

Any news Alex?

Purple there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for telling a woman about to give birth about someone else's 72 hour labour!
But welcome to the world of non-work.

Brave I don't think you necessarily need joint finances, just a situation which gives you both a fair level of disposable. We don't have joint finances as we both earn so we just kept things how they've always been, but we now acknowledge our circumstances are changing so as soon as I go on to crappy SMP in August my DH is going to cover all the household outgoings so the SMP will just be mine to spend. I guess the situation will have to be reviewed again in March when the SMP stops as I don't intend to go back to work until the Summer.

Scary stuff Janey when your MW is making arrangements to see you AND baby!

My baby was 3/5 engaged at my appointment last week and don't I bloody well know it! The cervical shooting pains are immense and even going down my legs now!

yes why do people do that? Both the horrible labour stories and "ooh you'll never sleep again, my baby only screamed for months" stories. Obviously it's a bit late to change my mind

Purple - it was because I think I'm having a cs two weeks today! Otherwise I would be back at 39 for a check she said, and again at 40 for a sweep she said...

Agreed that it's a bit late hazle! An ex of mine told me (as soon as he found out I was pregnant) that his wife was in labour for 99 hours.... Thanks for that! But he did follow it up by saying that within five minutes of having the baby in her arms, she was saying she wanted another one. Apparently she claimed the worst bit was that it was tiring, not that it was painful....

I agree purple these loooong labours must be counted from the first little twinge, I refuse to believe otherwise!

All went well after a long and boring wait at EPU, they said I had to wait for a doctor to arrive but they had no idea when so after an hour and a half I begged to see a sonographer before they went home and accidentally cried and the receptionist arranged for a sonographer to see me straight away! The sonographer was so lovely and said the cervix didn't look like it was funnelling so no panic, and she told me to relax as it didn't look like the cervix was opening. Phew! Feel like a bit of worrier but much better to be safe than sorry. Saw baby again moving around and looking all cute!

Lovely janey gave me a lift home, can't believe I will be meeting her baby soon! Happy mat leave purple and hope you're enjoying yours cavort!

Glad they managed to check you out Alex, hopefully it will out your mind at rest a bit.