Graduated Elerberries - 30+ and expecting DC1 (thread no 4)

[HazleNutt]

Welcome old and new graduates and everybody else who wants to join us, elderly primigravidas aka Elderberries.

I reacted badly to her comments wish I was better at hiding my annoyance, really need to learn that skill! It was the way she demanded "take that badge off" about my baby on board badge and made the comments literally just as we went into a meeting, made me feel like it was something I'd done wrong! She then banged on after about how hard it's going to be to find good mat leave cover, clients will hate it, she won't pay for an agency so "we'll" have to use linked in etc and it's going to be "such a struggle". Well sorry I'm putting you out!

I think you've all hit the nail on the head, it's not him going away without me or being a couple of hours away that's worrying me as I know he'd be able to get back before anything happened it's what if he's been drinking and can't drive. I could easily taxi it to the hospital if I needed to (assuming if I needed to go I wouldn't feel well enough to drive myself!) so I think if I feel ok I'll say to just enjoy himself but if I feel a bit funny tell him to go have fun but ask him to stick to just the one drink. He'd be fine with that, he's not a massive drinker anyway (he's getting too old to handle the hangovers these days!)

Alex, I feel bad about work and maternity leave and it's not even my fault - they've left it all to the last minute to get cover in for me and now my colleague is going to have to manage on her own for probably at least a month or two so I feel guilty as I know she's going to struggle but realistically, you're entitled to it so shouldn't worry yourself about it though I know that's easier said than done! Also, having a baby isn't an 'extremely difficult situation' people do it all the time and she shouldn't be making you feel bad about it.

Alex that's borderline discrimination - how dare she act like that? If you're ina union, I'd honestly talk to them sooner rather than later, if only for advice. Unless there's somehting in your contract about concealing long -term absences or something, she can't tell you to keep quiet.

for you

And I thought I had problems with my inept line manager plus my same-level colleague who's consistently taking it upon herself to be my boss openly discussing how 'amazing' the candidates are for my replacement.

Jeez, I'm in the same room as you guys ffs! At least pretend they're all crap and that they won't be any threat to me when I get back

Finding maternity cover is her responsibility (and problem), not yours. Grrrr they're so annoying. And if they did any bloody work themselves they'd have more money to pay for cover!! And I'm glad you didn't react well, how dare they tell you who you can and can't tell your news.

My cover isn't sorted. As such I've had to make a list of all my existing responsibilities, and my new ones (for new role which would start in 6 weeks or so, if I was still here) and split them out across several managers across the department (and other departments). My job now seems to consist of handing bits and bobs over to various different people who have no idea about any of this stuff - is starting to make me stressed about what's going to go wrong when I'm off. God, am such a control freak at work...

It's is bad isn't it! Poor you bear with the "amazing candidates" comment!

I guess most employers think pregnant employees are a pain but at least they usually pretend otherwise!

I also tried to warn her today that my pregnancy COULD be difficult, I just thought if I warn them of POTENTIAL issues with preterm/having to work from home/bed rest, they'll be prepared, but I said touch wood all will be fine (they're expecting me to work at events at 28 weeks plus). I said I'm hoping more than anyone it will all go smoothly, but I might need to go easy on my feet especially if I end up needing a stitch. You should have seen her face! Maybe I should have kept quiet on that one but was trying to do the right thing to prepare her in case she ends up needing to hire extra help, obviously I don't want to let them down or leave them in the lurch! Oops!

janey how are you feeling about the new role situation now? Oh and someone I know is a total control freak at work and she's on mat leave now and she told me it's so funny as the minute you're off and your baby is born, you just enjoy it and don't end up worrying at all, so hopefully that's true! She is LOVING it, and she wasn't even a maternal/broody person!

Alex I am shocked at your boss - I agree, totally out of line. I wonder if you ought to take a front-foot approach to discussing it with them (eg decide when/how you will tell clients and how) whilst at the same time making it clear that you know what your rights are and that it's their responsibility to arrange suitable cover. What a bunch of dicks.

I have got no idea how we will work it when I go on 'mat leave' - I all depends on what the company is doing at that time but doubt I will stand down entirely (nor would I want to probably). There is no one who could cover for me and given that its only two of us who effectively run the company it's going to be tricky.

Does anyone know how late you can fly long-haul? We have an outside possibility finally of one of our shows being toured to the Far East in early October which is hugely exciting, but I reckon I'll be too far gone to go (due mid-Dec)! Boooo!

Ditto here Alex, one of the girls with a similar role to mine but in a different division was totally unmaternal until she had her baby - she was sooo stressed about finding replacements etc and coming back to a mess. She said that she totally didn't care after her daughter showed up - in fact she told me today not to be a martyr and to go off earlier if I wanted to...

It's one of the things DP has been helping with lately, just making sure I get a grip on work now and trying to take away the stress.

In a few months time, we really won't care about this. But now, our lives are work-based (first question you ever ask someone is 'what do you do', right?) and that's why it takes up so much energy and stress.

Also Alex, if you need to take it easier, you'll be able to get a light duties note from your consultant. And, technically, if you've told your boss, she should be arranging things like risk assessments straightaway - this was automatic when I informed HR, think it's a standard rule.

Quod that's exciting! How many weeks will you be? Most airlines will fly to around 34 weeks, but you would probably need a fit to fly cert from your doctor if you go after 28 weeks. This isn't usually a problem, but I was banned from flying because I have a relatively low-lying placenta, which was only (very casually) flagged at the 20 week scan.

I'd say check with airlines as to how late they'll fly you, and make sure you get specific travel insurance (that covers medical treatment for you and baby and repatriation for both of you if needed) so you can cancel and not lose money if you need to...

Quod the usual cut-off for bigger airlines is 34 or 36 weeks with fit to fly cert, so you should be fine.

Oooh might just sneak in there then!

Quod one of my friends wanted to fly within the guideline weeks to Egypt but the airline asked for a dr's certificate. Her dr would only certify her to fly below a certain height which was basically saying she couldn't fly as it was lower than all commercial flights . Anyway being the stubborn mare that she is she forged the certificate so that it was allowed & thereby probably voided any travel insurance she had. Would not recommend this approach! Anyway she & baby were both fine but I would check whether your dr will give one as hers was just adamant that women that pg should not fly at all.

Oh & I was hoping to fly in September when I'll be about 21 weeks. From the sounds of it that might not be possible Bear if any problems show up at 20 week scan! Bugger. I'd better mention this to DP as that was when we were planning our hols without SS as we're planning on taking him & going with another family in the school hols when I'll only be 15 weeks and probably just looking fat not pg . And DP admitted at weekend that he'd been planning to take me to Paris for my birthday weekend in Aug but that not much point if I can't drink wine or eat soft cheese!

Anyone who's flown when preggers, did you ever spot after the flight? I have been googling (why do I do it to myself) and found people saying they spotted straight after several flights so don't do it if any potential issues.

Tbh frog you'd be fine to fly then unless you get told specifically 'you must not fly'. You only need a fit to fly cert after 26-28 weeks depending on airline (some even later). I was not told anything at the 20 week scan, in fact, was told 'it's fine to carry on as normal'.

I only found out 2 weeks later when I called the midwife about getting a fit to exercise cert to do pregnancy yoga that I was told I was't allowed to fly etc. Was a bit of a shock tbh!

The reason I wouldn't be allowed to fly would be because if I started bleeding (a complication of low-lying placenta) the airline would be able to do naff all, so they don't like flying women with complications.

My point is, at 21 weeks, the airline wouldn't need a fit to fly cert, so you could just go (so long as you have good insurance etc).

By all means double check with your midwife, but most normal people are totally fine to fly, as long as they take precautions like drinking lots and wearing flight socks etc.

alex I flew long-haul around 20-21 weeks, no issues.

I've flown eleven times pregnant that i can remember, including four long haul flights, and haven't had any spotting at all after any of the flights... Flights taken between 9 and 26 weeks...

Quod my doctor charges an absolutely outrageous £35 to sign a fit to fly certificate and a doubly piss taking £115 if you need a consultation with him before he signs it (luckily I didn't as my pregnancy is uncomplicated, but if you have any issues, even minor ones, you might have to have one).

Alex I flew to New York at 14 weeks and Spain at 29 weeks without any issues, although the short flight to Spain did make me swell up despite wearing sexy flight socks. And your boss sounds like a nightmare! I think you should put laxatives in her coffee or hide a rotting fish somewhere near her desk.

Brave when I lie down my belly is round like a beach ball, but when I use what's left of my stomach muscles to sit up I get a ridge down the middle which makes the bump look sort of pointy. Even if it is diastasis recti there's nothing anyone can do about it while you're still pregnant, and if it's still there afterwards then one of the treatments is a tummy tuck, which might actually be quite handy to get one on the NHS rather than spending hours doing abdominal crunches after the birth.

Yeah alright all you jet setters, stop rubbing it in, I haven't been anywhere and my best mate is in Rome and keeps texting me complaining how much beer is costing him. S'not fair.

Cavort/Brave I have looked up how to avoid diastatis recti (or 'disasterous rectum' as it's become in my head) as I already have a small separation and bulge if I do planks etc so I am keeping an eye on it. One recommendation is not using your stomach muscles to sit up once your muscles are under pressure from baby beneath, but rolling onto your side and levering yourself up instead. There are a few habitual things you can change apparently which lower the likelihood of a bad separation - worth googling it I reckon.

at disastrous rectum...I believe that's a wholly different pregnancy problem!

Quod I already look like a walrus and now it looks like i'm going to have to roll off the furniture. This pregnancy lark really isn't sexy is it?!! I thought lactulose sorted out a disasterous rectum?

Purple I agree with him that beer prices in Rome are daylight robbery. Cheer him up by telling him my boss went to watch the Grand Prix and ordered one bottle of Corona in a bar in the main square in Milan before the race. It was 35 Euros.

No idea what the disastrous rectum stomach thingy is and too lazy to google but suspect that is why my Pilates teacher has banned me from curl ups already which I think is a bit over cautious when bean is only 5mm & can hardly be pushing me from beneath. Grrrr.

And DP & I recently unwittingly paid £50 for two drinks in Dubai - ouch & double ouch.

I don't want to cheer him up Cavort, the smug single childless git keeps texting me telling me he's drinking wine and having more fun than me, work trip my arse! Meanwhile I'm groaning on the sofa in pain and he's got not sympathy because its 'self inflicted'

Everyone is rude in Rome and there are too many fake gladiators everywhere. Being on the sofa is much better than being anywhere else that's my self delusion and I'm sticking to it

And yes Purple, let's hope none of us have disasterous rectum lined up for us, it sounds seriously unpleasant.