December 2012 christmas puddings

[PrunellaDeVille]

over here, that came around suddenly

yeah, what didnt help is before we knew i was preg we were talking about trying (hense the half planned nature of the child!) and ideally i wanted to be a SAHM, obvs hes now upset because i cant either.. what a mess!

yeah, his parents are in severe debt, have had to go bunkrupt and all sorts.. id never want to be like that!

eurgh, way too emotional about everything today :/

determined to talk to him when he gets home though!!

When we moved to Guernsey we made the decision to set-up a joint account so that both our wages get paid directly into the same account. We then pay all the bills from this count, including our £2000 mortgage and then we transfer £200 each into an individual pocket money account. We then use this for clothes, gifts etc that aren't joint expenses. It's working OK so far but has been a bit shift for us both to get our heads around.

i like the idea of a pocket money account!

i dont want him to feel like im his mother looking at a bank statement asking what that puchase of £20 was when it was a present for me sorta thing!

We just have one joint account, all wages go in there and all bills and other spending comes out. This works well for us but it only works because we have similar attitudes to money - we are both savers not spenders and when we do want to splurge it's on the same things, luckily! I think if we had very different approaches we would have separate accounts - though actually I don't think that would solve the problem since I would still get cross if he was wasting all his money, even if it's in a separate account!

Bubbless it sounds like your DP may have quite a sensible attitude now despite having racked up debt in the past (and despite his parents!) - if he doesn't want to embroil you in his debts that is a good sign to me. Do you think he is sensible with money these days leaving aside the past debt?

Cross posted - we deal with the presents thing by having separate credit cards, so if we want to buy something "hidden" we put it on the credit card and that gets paid off out of the joint account. We can each see how much the other person has spent on their credit card but not on what exactly.

we have a joint account and our own seperate accounts - mortgage, bills etc (anything that gets used equally by both of us) is paid from the joint and each month a big chunk of our salaries from personal bank accounts goes straight into this as soon as we get paid. anything left over is personal money, and can be used as we like, although big one off purchases like furniture we tend to discuss in advance, then split 50:50. If either of us borrow off the other it tends to be small sums.

DH is massively risk-averse when it comes to normal day to day spending, so only has student loan, however I have some credit card debt which I don't like (don't like credit) but accumulated while we were doing up the house by paying for personal things I just should have cut back on, to be honest, which I am paying off from my personal money.

The idea is to be as transparent as possible with anything there should be joint responsibility for, but I don't want to feel I should be monitoring his spending, and I definitely wouldn't want him monitoring me! The issue will be when the baby is born as he really wants me to have enough time at home with it (to be fair, I do tend to agree), but I am the higher wage earner and have no student loan so my take home pay is a good £200 a month more than him. I've very gently mentioned the idea that he could stay at home instead, which has been met with extreme disinclination (I think he feels it's emasculating) but isn't practical unless he gets a pay rise, which is out of the question as his practice sent a letter round a month ago saying no one should expect to get anything. I've suggested that if he doesn't want to end up being the one staying at home he needs to switch jobs to get an effective pay rise, but he's had the same job since graduating from uni and is, I suspect, nervous of applying elsewhere, simply because he's never been to an intervew. I need to work out how to encourage a decision one way or another without being a nag, or otherwise persuade him to stay at home!! It just seems silly for me to stop work and us lose £200/month as a family for such minor reasons.

Sorry, bit of a spiel there..

utopian, i think all of our men have gone into caveman mode! man must provide. man must work. man must be a pain eat DP out of house and home...

im glad (well not glad, relieved?) to hear that other people are having to have serious money conversations as well, hopefully it will all work out!!

mini hes sooo much better now, but still doesnt look at the little things.
e.g. we both take lunch to work, he forgets (and by forgets i mean doesnt get up early enough to make it!) a lot, so buys it, and doesnt understand that thats probably where 30-40£ a month is going!
im going to look into the joint account thing today :) hopefully it will show him i trust him?

We've just moved to a joint account. Both our salaries get paid in there and all bills come out. We have separate credit cards but they get paid out of the joint account.
When we sat down to talk about it, seemed the only sensible way, we're having a baby and sharing every other part of life so why not money. At the moment I earn as lot more but then when I'm on maternity it will switch. This way theres no mine and yours.
Admittedly having a similar approach to spending and no debts made it an way decision.

Really interesting reading everyone's solutions for money. I'm reliant on DH at the moment as I left my job & London to be with him, and am obviously no employer's ideal candidate right now!
It's quite strange after being financially independent for my whole working life. Also odd as I 'work' for him in his business (although def on my own terms, and have taken alot of sick in last few weeks!!!!) but means he's my boss & my DH

I do hate feeling guilty about buying myself something (even boring maternity jeans!) which of course DH doesnt as its his money, and am looking forward to when I will have an income again one distant day!

Pidj I feel so conscious of my tum / bump, even now I'm definitely pregnant not podgy, you're not wierd (or we both are!!). It just seems so unnatural, ironically, to have a great big round ball where a waist used to be! I also feel like its something that's private (ie being pregnant) but the bump means everyone knows and offers annoying opinions about its size

I am excited about it at the same time though and cant quite believe its really happening but I guess ive never been one of those people who saw having a baby as fulfilment of their life, and actually do find other peoples' babies abit dull!

It is interesting isn't it Queen! There are so many different attitudes and approaches.

bubbless oh, the lunch thing would annoy me yes esp if he has debts to pay off - if anything he should be being more frugal than you! What about having a joint account which everything goes into, and then two separate accounts with personal spending money. You'd pay a certain amount each month from the joint account into each of your separate accounts, and that would be all you were each "allowed" to spend without consulting the other person? (and no credit cards...) Would that work? I think that is probably what we would do if one of us needed a bit more "discipline" than the other.

utopian leaving aside finances, do you want to have more time at home yourself, or would you like to go back to work quite early/full time?

We have the same setup as Friend, apart from our 'pocket money' is adjusted slightly according to earnings - so DH earns twice what I do, at the moment, and therefore 2/3 of the joint income, and therefore pays 2/3 of all the bills. (this is a nice turnaround from 4 years ago, when it was the other way about!).

We discuss spending on anything more than $100 (eg the trampoline came straight out of the joint account, but after we'd talked it over, looked for prices online, etc).

I remember reading somewhere that most men who've never grown a beard before start/try it out while their partners are pregnant. I think men have their 'how will I cope? How do I be a father?' wobbles just like women do, but they are more stupid less subtle :)

Utopian Until 2 weeks ago DH was in the job he'd had since leaving university- 12 years ago. It was a huge shock to them when he resigned, but he's so much happier in the new job (at least he was in his first week).

We each get paid into our own accounts and then put money to cover most of the bills. The mortgage comes from DH'S account, purely so there isn't any delay transferring money around and we know the payment will happen.

I pay for food, mainly because I get points on my credit card and then pay it off each month. We each have our own money for what we want after that. Although DH pays for going to the pub, because it's far more important to him especially since I can't drink much atm

He does like to spend more than me. No DH, I really do mean it when I say the unborn baby doesn't need an iPad!

mini- yeah, id never thought of doing it like that, i like it! plus it means there is a central place which i can use to buy baby stuff!

i have a confession! my EDD's been moved to the 2nd of January, but can i stay here please? [begging face]
i dont want to go to another antenatel thingy :(
i might even stop complaining about not feeling movements yet?!

bubbless me and DP pay a set amount into a bank account each month, it pays for rent/bills and whatever is left in that account at the end of the month becomes savings. I do the big food shops twice a month, he picks up in between shops. Whatever is left in our accounts after that is ours for individual bills and to spend as we want, but if one of us needs money we're happy to provide although it's usually amounts less than £10. It works for us, we talk about it a lot though and tweak it as needed as our situations change.

I'd never go over his bank statement with a fine tooth comb, I trust him to look after his own finances, but if he doesn't remember spending something I'll have a look and can usually figure it out (he once thought he'd had his card cloned because he'd never been to Birmingham, until I pointed out he was there two weeks before on a boys weekend). I don't think he's ever seen one of mine but I'd show him if he asked.
With the lunch could you make it for him in trade off for him doing something else? My DP worked nights in his last job and would spend a lot on take away food, I made his lunch as a trade for him doing my ironing for work.

Pidj I feel very self concious about my bump if I'm out, especially if I'm eating because I'm so worried people will just think I'm really fat. I'm really looking forward to proper bump rather than little teeny bump.
I'm feeling so restless and cooped up since I've not been working for so long, I'm actually considering just getting some busses places eventually meting DP after work. I still have my travel pass so it won't cost anything. I really don't want to become one of those bus people though! It will help the getting out seeing new sights when I can't actually walk very far problem though.

Bubbless of course we won't kick you out!!

I feel like shite today! No sleep last night then throwing up everything I've eaten (and stomach acid) since 4 am. Also many braxton hicks making me uncomfy, so much for getting some work done today. I'm laying in bed feeling sorry for myself!

Bubbless didn't you start in January? I thought you were like ne and has come over but maybe in confused. Anyway how come you have moved, was it your 20 week scan?

I with one XDP we had a joint account and all our money went in and out of there - but I wish I'd done that differently. Even though we earned the same he spent more and we had slightly different attitudes to dealing with it.
The next XDP I only lived with briefly realised it was a massive mistake and left asap and I paid "rent" and usually did the food shopping. so that was fine.
Now I'm in a similar position to Queen I've left London and moved to be with my man and so he is supporting me. But he knew that would be the case. I miss my independence but I do have a small income, working freelance, and so I do most of the food shopping and usually buy my own clothes.

I think you have to discuss money otherwise it can become a problem. I think it is also something that until you feel comfortable and have a system/attitude you can trust you have to keep on discussing it. It is interesting how different people deal with it but I think that's best because you have to both feel comfortable.

Queen and Pidj I'm not so self conscious of my bump but do wish it was more bump less flab ... I managed to open the wardrobe door onto my bump the other day, simply because I'd forgotten it was there! Not that it is small :)

minipie if finance wasn't an issue (but not in lottery-win sense) I'd be really torn. My mum spent a lot of our young childhoods at home with us, which was great, we learned loads and really benefitted and I'd love to do this for our children. On the other hand, I have a genuine worry, (being not very child-orientated,) that without some intellectual sideline I'd go fully bats. My mum is a primary school teacher and artist so much more patient/understanding than me, plus she worked from home on private art works, which gave her a creative outlet aside from looking after us. I'm trying to get my own architectural practice going, so if finance was no issue AND I can keep the jobs coming in privately, that would be perfect, as I could work from home! (Obviously this is wildly assuming that having a small child to look after wouldn't fry me so much I can't think straight enough to design an single storey extension, let alone a whole house, anymore!)

barbeasty I think DH would be a lot happier in a new job too, purely because he's getting a bit pigeon-holed in his current one, and he'd have a chance to get into some projects in different sectors, which he's said he'd like.. plus like your DH I think they don't believe he'd ever leave so he probably gets taken for granted a bit, and it's nice to feel valued..

bubbless yes, stay with us!!

stacey... chocolate! but maybe not if your feeling sick! remember to keep hydrated and hopefully this will pass!

pmgkt- nope, origional EDD was 27/12. but after my 20 week scan it got moved :(

Bubbless I did just eat a dairy milk bar and it's stayed down for now so we'll see. As for fluid in trying, drinking too much (even as sips) has always made me more I'll though so I prob don't drink enough when I'm ill!

Nope bubbless you have to leave now, it's the rules nah just kidding course you can stay. I think we have a couple of other january EDD ladies don't we? clarella and maybe one other?

nutella completely agree about keeping on discussing it.

utopian I know how you feel. My mum was at home when we were really little, then worked in the city, then was at home again. I think she did go a bit mad/bored at home tbh especially when we were older and at school but OTOH she found it exhausting and stressful trying to do a city job and look after us too. So I am torn too. I think in my ideal world I'd work 3 days a week in something intellectually demanding, highly paid but not stressful or long hours - if only that job existed! .

Oh stacey poor you that sounds horrible! Have you been ill all the way through or is this a sudden thing? Sipping flat coke is good for rehydration if you have any... do try to get some fluid to stay down if you can, good luck and hope it improves soon.

bubbless the same thing happened with me at 12 week scan (I was November originally but just sort of knew it was December so joined this group!). It's irritating as you feel like they've made your pregnancy longer!

Our spaniel loves my bump - he sees it as a handy chin rest! Like to think he can hear the heartbeat but I'm probably crediting him with a bigger brain than reality!
I don't feel self conscious with him :)

When talking about things to buy I mentioned about breast pumps to DH last night & I thought he would pass out. He went white & begged me not to elaborate.

Men think boobs are all for them!!

Bubbless My DH had debts etc when we got together. He managed to sort it all, but like yours, his parents are really into spend, spend, spend and his mother's motto is 'cut back on the necessities so you can afford the luxuries'!!!! As you can imagine, this really isn't helpful!

We also have separate accounts. DH earns two and half times more than me, and most of the bills go out of my account as I already lived in our place before him. Likes others, we calculated how much we have left after al the bills, and he transfers me however much means we have an equal sum leftover (if that makes any sense?). So basically, we pay a proportion of the bills according to our income, and have a similar amount left over. We then split other costs like days out etc.