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Welcome to the Mumsnet Birth Announcements forum, for announcing births and meeting others in our community. Visit our pregnancy resource hub for more information.

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Welcome to the Mumsnet Birth Announcements forum, for announcing births and meeting others in our community. Visit our pregnancy resource hub for more information.

Birth announcements

Should I add ex on birth certificate?

46 replies

Jackie7527 · 04/12/2020 01:02

Hi Ladies,
So I already have 2 kids with my ex. Am expecting my third in 2 weeks time.
Our relationship has been rocky until finally I decided that enough was enough (he kept on pinching me to the point where I was in tears even though I have told him to stop many times). But I know that he wants to be present at the birth and be on the birth certificate.
After some consideration I decided that I do not want him there, I don't trust him and he doesnt deserve the privilege.
But I am torn about adding him on the birth certificate. My daughters have his surname so it would be strange for my third child to not have his surname.
What would you do if you were in my shoes?

OP posts:

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ivfbeenbusy · 04/12/2020 03:52

I'm a firm believer that if you knowingly make a baby with someone then unless it was through something awful like rape then the fathers name deserves to go on the certificate. It's a legal document and one that people can't just decide to deliberately leave off information when it suits them? Presumably you'll be requesting he pay CMS for the baby?

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Idontgiveagriffindamn · 04/12/2020 04:08

If you’ve got 2 other children by him and he’s on the birth certificate for them then I’d give him the opportunity to be on the birth certificate. As in tell him a time and place and if he turns up he goes on. I assume you’re not married so he’ll have to be there.

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HappyChristmasTreeRex · 04/12/2020 04:12

Yes, it is a legal document, it shouldn't be optional except in very extreme circumstances.

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Sarahandduck18 · 04/12/2020 04:50

The surname and birth certificate are entirely separate.

A surname has no legal bearing. You can give the child whatever surname you want whether you co register or not.

If you are no longer with partner do not co register the birth. That will give him the same rights as you over your child- it he has the power to dictate where you live for the next 18 years. He can also decide on school and health decisions.

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feelingmehmeh · 04/12/2020 05:33

can also decide on school and health decisions

He gets the last say on everything.

OP your mistake was having a 3rd child with a loser. Of all the decent men out there.

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joystir59 · 04/12/2020 05:37

Your children deserve to have their father's name on their BC.

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Mintjulia · 04/12/2020 05:49

If the new baby was your only child, then I'd say no but you have three children so they should all be treated equally, for their sakes. BC and surname. He can apply to the court to be added to the bc anyway.

Being at the birth, no definitely not. Childbirth is not a spectator sport and if he isn't supportive, he has no place.

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Gretnacastle · 04/12/2020 05:53

@Sarahandduck18

The surname and birth certificate are entirely separate.

A surname has no legal bearing. You can give the child whatever surname you want whether you co register or not.

If you are no longer with partner do not co register the birth. That will give him the same rights as you over your child- it he has the power to dictate where you live for the next 18 years. He can also decide on school and health decisions.

Good. It is his child as well ffs.

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SimonJT · 04/12/2020 06:01

A birth certificate is a legal record of the childs parentage. It is not something an adult should decide on a whim, it belongs to the child and the child deserves it to reflect the truth.

If you didn’t want him to be your childs father, why did you choose to have another baby with him?

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Smellbellina · 04/12/2020 06:07

OP your mistake was having a 3rd child with a loser. Of all the decent men out there.

Well done, you belittled someone and suggested their child is a mistake in one sentence!
Still, as long as it gave you a little early morning boost.

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Smellbellina · 04/12/2020 06:13

If you didn’t want him to be your childs father, why did you choose to have another baby with him?

It’s none of your business why this woman chose not to have an abortion

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HotelliFinlandia · 04/12/2020 06:14

Definitely NOT at the birth. Under no circumstances. He mistreated your body. You need someone you can trust with you (and if there's nobody else then I'd go it alone with the midwives).

Unless there's a huge age difference between the second child and new baby, then not putting him on the certificate won't make much difference. He already has control until that child is 18, so I'm guessing it'll "just" be about a couple of years more, which for the sake of fairness etc it's not really worth not putting his name on there.

BUT don't let him go and register the birth. You need to do it to make sure the names given are what you choose.

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Jackie7527 · 04/12/2020 07:58

Hey thanks for your replies everyone.
We are not married and I'm regretting the descion to have had kids with him in the first place. But I just dont think I should l suffer for my mistakes for the rest of my life.
Another issue with putting him on the birth certificate is childcare issues. If he comes along with me, there wouldn't be an option for someone to take care of our children. None of us drive. And I feel like I cant really go asking my parents to look after 3 children whilst I get the birth certificate sorted with him. They didn't choose to have 3 kids, me and my ex did so I dont think it's fair on them.

OP posts:

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Jackie7527 · 04/12/2020 08:00

I really wish he could stop feeling so entitled to everything. How can he think it's ok to keep pinching me to the point where I'm in tears even though I have told him to stop?

OP posts:

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Jackie7527 · 04/12/2020 08:01

@feelingmehmeh

can also decide on school and health decisions

He gets the last say on everything.

OP your mistake was having a 3rd child with a loser. Of all the decent men out there.

I know.

OP posts:

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RandomMess · 04/12/2020 08:18

I wouldn't tbh, he can go to court and have it added if he's bothered.

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Namechangedforthisoct2 · 04/12/2020 08:27

He’s abusive to you, sorry but he doesn’t deserve to be put on it, as if he’s happy to abuse you, an adult who can speak up and speak out then I’d be worrying what he could do to a child who can’t speak out?

I would do everything in power for all of your DC to have as little to do with him as possible, so not putting him on dc3 birth certificate is one of ms y steps towards this.
Please remember if you put him on it, you’re giving him total co trim over you and dc.

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Namechangedforthisoct2 · 04/12/2020 08:27

*Control

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DrDetriment · 04/12/2020 08:35

Yes of course. It's his child just as much as yours. What is it with women on MN who seem to think they have primary 'ownership' over a child. You may not trust him, he might have been nasty to you but you are choosing to have a child with him and he has all the same rights and responsibilities as you do.

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JanewaysBun · 04/12/2020 08:45

The benefit isnt for him it's for your child, they have a right to have him on the bc ESPECIALLY as its full siblings do.

Name - is there any chance he would allow the older 2 to double barrel both your surnames if the 3rd one is? Ie you could negotiate for that vs the 3rd one having your name only. If not TBH I might use his surname as a middle name then your surname so 99% of the time it will be A Smith, b Smith and c Smith-jones

Or you could change your surname to his so at least you all have the same name? (Which is shit but possibly easier than being different to the kids)

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WelliesWithHeels · 04/12/2020 09:11

He had the choice to stop physically hurting you repeatedly to the point you were in pain and in tears. He had the choice to stop an annoying, hurtful, humiliating, and damaging behavior that he was inflicting on you while you had two young children and were pregnant with a third. He chose very, very poorly.
Right now the choice is in your hands: allow him to have decision making control over this baby or do not allow it?
With his track record, I think I know what I would choose. He exhibited physically bullying behavior to you, a grown woman. I worry what would be in store for a tiny, vulnerable little one.
Just because we regret previous choices does not mean we have to keep making them once we know better. With the first two you made the best choice you could with the information you had at the time. You are allowed to evolve and make different choices moving forward with the knowledge and experience you have now.

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midnightstar66 · 04/12/2020 09:15

If you know who the father is then of course he should be on the bc and have a say. (Extreme situations aside) Presumably as he's the same df as siblings then the dc will know who their dad is therefore be very strange for them to have unknown father on their birth certificate. Assume they will have contact with him etc? Lots of couple will have the childcare issue at the moment so that's a bit of a silly excuse.

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JemimaTiggywinkle · 04/12/2020 09:20

Has everyone else missed that this man is physically abusive?

Why do people think that OP should give him the power to control decisions about her family life for the next 18 years by putting him on the Birth Certificate?

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curtainsfort · 04/12/2020 09:21

I would put him on it. There is no reason not to as he is on the bc of your other 2 children so he already has the ability to exert certain control over what you do - if he wants to, he might not. If you decide not to you can still give the baby the same surname as their siblings, it would be strange to call the third full sibling something else imo.

Being at the birth? Absolutely not. He has no rights here at all. You do what is best for you.

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midnightstar66 · 04/12/2020 09:25

Why do people think that OP should give him the power to control decisions about her family life for the next 18 years by putting him on the Birth Certificate?

Well because she has 2 other children with him that he still has contact with and who she is still happy to leave in his sole care, so assume carafe will extend to this child too. He already has the power to control the decisions through the other 2 and it would be very odd for the child growing up having contact with their dad and having unknown father on his birth certificate when he knows exactly who his dad is.

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