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Birth announcements

Share your unique birth stories and read heartwarming stories from fellow mums. For more on your baby’s development, check out the Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Should I add ex on birth certificate?

46 replies

Jackie7527 · 04/12/2020 01:02

Hi Ladies,
So I already have 2 kids with my ex. Am expecting my third in 2 weeks time.
Our relationship has been rocky until finally I decided that enough was enough (he kept on pinching me to the point where I was in tears even though I have told him to stop many times). But I know that he wants to be present at the birth and be on the birth certificate.
After some consideration I decided that I do not want him there, I don't trust him and he doesnt deserve the privilege.
But I am torn about adding him on the birth certificate. My daughters have his surname so it would be strange for my third child to not have his surname.
What would you do if you were in my shoes?

OP posts:

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SimonJT · 04/12/2020 09:25

@JemimaTiggywinkle

Has everyone else missed that this man is physically abusive?

Why do people think that OP should give him the power to control decisions about her family life for the next 18 years by putting him on the Birth Certificate?

A birth certificate states facts about the child, it should not show an untruth.

It is a completely seperate thing to contact.

StuntNun · 04/12/2020 09:32

Either parent can register the birth on their own so your ex doesn't need to come with you to register the birth. If he's on the birth certificate then he will have parental responsibility so you wouldn't be able to e.g. take the child out of the country without his permission. It's up to you how you feel about how much involvement you want him to have in the child's life. On the other hand, not naming him on the birth certificate wouldn't stop him having parental responsibility as he could go to court to apply for it if he wanted.

SD1978 · 04/12/2020 09:40

Given this is child number 3, and the two other children have their father on the birth certificate keeping his name off this one only doesn't seem to be beneficial to any of your kids.

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/12/2020 09:55

It's a very hard one re the birth certificate. He's got control over you anyway through the other 2 children, so putting his name on the certificate for the 3rd shouldn't much difference really. It's probably better that way for DC3 too and will stop endless questions later on. Don't have him at the birth if you don't want him there, that's an easy one to answer.

As an aside, is birth registration not by phone at the moment? I know deaths are.

curtainsfort · 04/12/2020 11:15

@StuntNun

Either parent can register the birth on their own

No, they can't.

curtainsfort · 04/12/2020 11:16

A birth certificate states facts about the child, it should not show an untruth.

It is a completely seperate thing to contact.

It's a bit more than facts about the birth. It gives parental responsibility. Which absolutely does come into play when talking about contact and many other aspects of the child's life.

GinNotGym19 · 04/12/2020 11:25

I would add him on because

It’s unfair to have 2 children that have his name on it and 1 not, could cause 3rd child to feel different or think, why do they have their dad on theirs and I don’t? Especially if they end up with different surnames, it’s too confusing for the child to understand why they are different.
He’s already on 2 certificates so doesn’t make much difference with parental responsibility
If you do break up and need to apply for cms
The pinching thing is a separate issue. Only allow supervised contact etc if there’s a risk.
He could take you to court for parental responsibility anyway but I don’t know how likely he’d do that

midnightstar66 · 04/12/2020 11:36

It's a bit more than facts about the birth. It gives parental responsibility. Which absolutely does come into play when talking about contact and many other aspects of the child's life.*

In this case though he already has all that with the new baby's siblings so it won't give him any extra control (bar a couple of extra years depending on the ages). I presume op won't suddenly cut contact after the new baby is registered.

curtainsfort · 04/12/2020 11:43

I don't understand your point? I was responding to someone who said it's just a fact on a birth certificate, not suggesting OP doesn't put him on it.

Runnerduck34 · 04/12/2020 11:45

As your other two children have his name on their birth certificate then i do think you should put his name on it.
Definitely do not in any circumstances allow him to be with you for the labour or birth.
Well done for finding the strength to leave him at such a difficult time, he is abusive and it was absolutely the right decision, congratulations on your new baby

midnightstar66 · 04/12/2020 11:50

@curtainsfort I assumed (perhaps wrongly) from why you wrote that you were using this as a reason not to do it. It's still correct that the birth certificate are the facts, which you'd have to lie about to say father unknown - awkward when they child will grow up to know exactly who his father is. Maybe you were just talking in general but it's not unreasonable to relate you comment to the situation on the specific post rather than just in general

TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet · 04/12/2020 11:56

You know that if he has his name on the birth certificate of the first two children then he already has the option to have his say in decisions about them. Why is adding his third child a problem?

Are you planning to use this baby as a weapon in your adult relationship with him? Your children deserve better than that.

curtainsfort · 04/12/2020 11:57

I assumed (perhaps wrongly)

Don't assume. You were wrong.

from why you wrote that you were using this as a reason not to do it.

I said previously in this situation I would put him on.

It's still correct that the birth certificate are the facts, which you'd have to lie about to say father unknown - awkward when they child will grow up to know exactly who his father is.

Urgh; of course it the facts but my point to that particular poster that naming the father in a both certificate is not just facts. It gives parental responsibility.

Maybe you were just talking in general but it's not unreasonable to relate you comment to the situation on the specific post rather than just in general

I was talking to a specific poster, who i had quoted, about an incorrect piece of information they had posted. Nothing remotely general, absolutely specific. To the poster I was replying to. Maybe think about not making assumptions?

StuntNun · 04/12/2020 13:10

^Either parent can register the birth on their own

No, they can't.^

@curtainsfort they can, they just need a signed declaration of parentage form from the other parent. www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

curtainsfort · 04/12/2020 13:12

[quote StuntNun]^Either parent can register the birth on their own

No, they can't.^

@curtainsfort they can, they just need a signed declaration of parentage form from the other parent. www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth[/quote]
Oh for goodness sake. Yes they can with a declaration. Nobody mentioned a declaration in the statement I responded to that was 'either parent can'

StuntNun · 04/12/2020 13:26

Are you having fun arguing with everyone Curtain?

midnightstar66 · 04/12/2020 13:31

I think perhaps she's having a bad day @StuntNun but one must not assume!

curtainsfort · 04/12/2020 13:39

@StuntNun

Are you having fun arguing with everyone Curtain?

I'm not arguing? I'm just stating the context in which my own posts were written.

curtainsfort · 04/12/2020 13:40

@midnightstar66

I think perhaps she's having a bad day *@StuntNun* but one must not assume!

Not at all. A poster assumed I meant something when I had previously stated the opposite, I'm allowed to correct that.

Original poster

Jackie7527 · 04/12/2020 16:05

Yeah I guess putting him on the birth certificate wont make much of a difference I suppose. The main reason why I'm torn apart is because I know what kind of man he is now and would I really want a man like that to have a say how my children are raised? Yes he is the biological parent, but that doesnt mean it's for the children's best interests that he gets to have that say

OP posts:

Original poster

Jackie7527 · 04/12/2020 16:06

He is truly awful, always putting me down, making his female colleagues cry at work and becomes very aggressive when someone tests his authority. He likes to think he is man of the household when it's not really like that.

OP posts:

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