How do I tell our 4 yr old dd that her new baby brother is dying in hospital

[dcb]

Won't go into details but our son had oxygen starvation at some point leading up to his birth (born 11 days ago). We extubated him on Sunday and he's been treated palliatively as he's not expected to survive. She said goodbye to him the day before as we didn't think he would breathe for long on his own. However, 3 days later he's still with us and we are at the hospital (one of us) all the time, taking it in turns. I've tried to explain he isn't going to wake up and will eventually not be here any more. She asked me today where he will be going and I think I mumbled something about going up to the stars (we're not religious). How can I explain it to her? I've mentioned dying but I'm not sure if she really understands what that is. Are there any books that I could use? I don't want to make a hash of it, as we would like her to remember in a good way - she was able to come in to see him several times and do hand/foot prints with him amongst other things. Thanks

Aw dcb so sorry xx

I'm so sorry

I told dd1 who was 5, that her cousin was going up to Heaven. I'm not particularly religious, but I do believe there is something iyswim, so it felt right.

I don't think they do really understand that much when they are young. Everything is so simple.

Have the hospital put you contact with any support groups/counsellors? You will get advice from people there.

I am so very sorry. Simple, honest information is good.

I have heard Badger's Parting Gifts recommended on here. Link here

I also like Debi Gliori's No Matter What.

Sorry, I don't have much practical advice, you do sound like you're doing amazingly well. I'd keep it fairly basic. Him going up to the stars ,and you loving him very much him loving his big sister very much.

Just couldn't read and not post. So sorry

Sands here Perhaps they know where you can get some rl support for you and your dd?

I know it really helped my niece having the Macmillan nurses to talk to when her bother passed away.

Oh DCB.

No advice I'm afraid, but my heart goes out to you.

Am so sorry x

I am so sorry you are going through this , you sound like you are doing exactly the right thing keeping it simple is probably best for a 3 year old.

I'm so sorry I don't really have any useful advice. I have told DD (3) that when people die they go to Heaven. We're not religious either but I do like to think that spirit lives on somewhere. Probably hypocritical of me I know... DD doesn't really understand as she fortunately hasn't lost anyone but she was asking about my Dad and where he was.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Sorry dcb

no real advice I'm afraid, just wanted to say I think it is testament to your parenting that you are thinking so carefully about the impact on your dd at a time when you must be falling apart

sending you my very best wishes

xx

Am so sorry DCB

I'm so sorry.

i am so sorry, i wish you all well.

we found it best to be very straight about death. 'some babies don't work out, it is very sad but we love him very much' 'grandad has died, we won't see him a again but we will always remember how much he loved us and our happy times with him'
'the dog has died. he isn't in pain anymore and we are lucky to have had such a lovely doggy'

also, 'it's ok to be happy even now grandad has died. he would want us to have happy times'

AND most of all 'we love you' lots and lots, 'its not your fault' 'its not because you were naughty'
but somewhat less clearly as she's got older i have told my dd that i felt my mum was somewhere really nice without pain and that she was looking after our baby that died and that now our dog was with her. but they are the happy memories and love that we have. i'm not religious.

So very sorry

Am so sorry also will suggest you contact sands.

i am so sorry.

I think you have to be totally honest."Your baby brother is very very poorly and the doctors and nurses have tried very hard to make him better but they can't and he is going to die.Mummy and daddy might cry and be very sad.It is ok to be sad too.We love you very much and you are our special girl.None of this is your fault.We love you and your brother very much"

Sending love and strength.

Oh I am so sorry.I have nothing helpful to say,but you sound an incredible mother and I am very sad for you all to be in this terrible situation.

thankyou x

There is an organisation called Winston's Wish aimed at supporting bereaved children

Dcb, what a catastrophe. So sorry to hear about your darling baby son, I really am.

As your dd is only four and probably has no concept of death yet, and you are not religious, I wonder if it would be best to explain that he was born very poorly and that he was never well enough to eat and drink and grow like other babies do. So he stayed in hospital and he died which means that he won't come home to live with us, instead he went to sleep forever; a special kind of sleep only for very poorly people, not the kind of sleeps that we have every night.

But I do agree that this should probably be after your ds has passed on .

Have documents downstairs will link to site if you give me a mo

dcb, I have no advice to offer but wanted to say I'm so sorry. Your children are lucky to have such a wonderful mother.

I second winstons wish. The child bereavement charity is also a good organisation.

I am so sorry about your little boy.