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Original poster

How do I tell our 4 yr old dd that her new baby brother is dying in hospital

107 replies

dcb · 23/06/2010 21:48

Won't go into details but our son had oxygen starvation at some point leading up to his birth (born 11 days ago). We extubated him on Sunday and he's been treated palliatively as he's not expected to survive. She said goodbye to him the day before as we didn't think he would breathe for long on his own. However, 3 days later he's still with us and we are at the hospital (one of us) all the time, taking it in turns. I've tried to explain he isn't going to wake up and will eventually not be here any more. She asked me today where he will be going and I think I mumbled something about going up to the stars (we're not religious). How can I explain it to her? I've mentioned dying but I'm not sure if she really understands what that is. Are there any books that I could use? I don't want to make a hash of it, as we would like her to remember in a good way - she was able to come in to see him several times and do hand/foot prints with him amongst other things. Thanks

OP posts:
Tangle · 23/06/2010 23:21

I'm so sorry dcb - our DD2 died on New Year's Eve when I was 8 months pregnant. Explaining to DD1 (who was 2/8 at the time) what had happened was one of the hardest things we've ever had to do as a family .

I'd also say Winston's Wish is a very good site. IIRC they have some good advice for how to tailor what you say to different ages.

I'm not trying to have a go at thisisyesterday, but most of the advice I have seen says keep it simple and tell the truth - young children can't understand euphemisms and tend to take things literally, hence it can be a really bad idea to compare dying with a really long sleep as the surviving child starts to believe that if they go to sleep they might not wake up.

I was in hospital when we found out DD2 had died and DD1 knew that I had been ill. The line we took was that "mummy and the baby are both very poorly and the Dr's are doing everything they can to help them get better". Over the next few days that was followed by "mummy's getting better but the baby's much smaller and its still very poorly - we don't know if she'll get better" and then "the baby was too little and even though we all loved her very much she was too poorly to get better". We tried to help DD1 understand as best as we could - for our family it was right for her to come into hospital and see DD2, and for her to be present for all parts of the funeral. I'm not sure she understands the permanence of it yet.

We got this book, which has too many americanisms for me (gonna, mommy...), but it was age appropriate and gave us something DD1 can go back to as and when (and although it talks about "angels" we didn't find it overtly religious). We also got this one, but once we'd read it couldn't cope with giving it to DD1 (because its too close to home, and also wan't quite right for our situation). We also got "No Matter What", as referred to earlier and that's been very good.

I think I understand what your saying with your DS's situation and prospects. I was talking with a friend recently who used to work as a nurse for terminally ill children - after seeing what some of them went through, when she was pregnant she had a very definite "no heroics" view should things not go according to plan and we have a very similar view.

I'm sorry if I've gone on too long - I'm just so sad your family are going through this. You're in my thoughts.

Original poster
dcb · 24/06/2010 08:56

Thankyou all again x

OP posts:
lottiejenkins · 24/06/2010 16:55

I am so sorry for you and your family. I would second what Tangle said about not saying someone had gone to sleep.... We told my ds this when his dad died and we had problems for a long time actually still to this day nine years nearly on!

BuckBuckMcFate · 24/06/2010 16:57

So sorry x

SagacityNell · 24/06/2010 16:59

So sorry dcb Thinking of you all.xx

QOD · 24/06/2010 17:04

Sorry to hear this

zeno · 24/06/2010 20:33

Hi dcb.

We have used Winston's Wish for support and highly recommend them. They have a helpline staffed by very marvellous people with lots of experience and time to talk with you and support you.

They have some excellent books including a sort of work/play book called "muddles puddles and sunshine" which you can go through with your toddler when you want to spend some time talking about the person who died.

I'm so very sorry that you're going through this.

sharbiebowtiesarecool · 24/06/2010 20:35

Just to add - thinking of you and your family x

herbietea · 24/06/2010 20:46

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StealthPolarBear · 24/06/2010 20:50

i'm so sorry x

OrmRenewed · 24/06/2010 20:50

Oh dcb,so sorry

autodidact · 24/06/2010 20:51

I'm so terribly, terribly sorry about your son, dcb. I'm sure that the thoughtful way you are approaching telling your daughter will make it as ok as it can be for her.

Portofino · 24/06/2010 20:53

Take care dcb!

ib · 24/06/2010 20:59

So sorry dcb.

I lost a brother when I was a similar age (cot death) and just wanted to reassure you that it will not be anything like as traumatic for your dd as it is for you and your dh.

I would agree with being honest with her - MavisEnderby's suggestion sounds really good.

Children can accept almost anything so long as it is given to them straight and they are allowed to ask questions about it.

I think you and your dh need to make sure you take care of each other as well as of your dd- you are undoubtedly the ones this is hardest on.

ilovesprouts · 24/06/2010 21:05

so sorry dcb

Tomatefarcie · 24/06/2010 21:05

How sad. Sorry dcb.

goodasgold · 24/06/2010 21:09

I'm so sorry DCB and all the other posters who have suffered bereavement.

Sukie1971 · 24/06/2010 21:15

My thoughts are with you and your family at this dificult time, Im so sorry x

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 24/06/2010 21:17

My heart goes out to you. You are doing amazingly.

spiderbabymum · 24/06/2010 21:23

Life can be just unbearably hard sometimes .
My instinct would be to keep her involved as much as you can .
Talk to her as you are doing and just keep talking .
It must be difficult to decide how much contact to allow her to have with her wee brother ...but I would feel that its really important NOT to be afraid to encourage that contact .
In my opinion , I get a sense that keeping things as natural as possible .....leads to the best decisions at times like this .
For example what would you do if you as a family if you were all at home with your son .
Are you getting that private time together in the hospital ...just to be together with out interruptions , a chance for your daughter to as questions .
As regards what to tell her about death . i dont think it matters . Personally I like the concept of going up in the sky . I like the idea of telling a child that the person who has died is actually living somewhere else...eg up in the clouds . Prehaps for me thats made death easier to cope with .
In the short term Phone Winstons wish helpline . They will give you suggested ideas to use for her age group , and they can post you some info including a detailed reading list ....which is also on their website .I So admire you for asking for help at a time like this . Best wishes

chegirlmonkeybutt · 24/06/2010 21:51

dcb

I dont think I can help much. I wish I could.

My DD died when DS's were 12 & 3.

This was 4 years ago and the younger one still needs to ask questions. We were always honest with him but I dont think he has really grasped it even now. He has got SN thugh so this makes a difference.

We do talk about heaven because I believe it aand it brings me great comfort. It seems to help DS to have this to think about too.

We talk about what she will be doing 'up there'. I know this is not going to be for everyone but it suits us.

Children tend to want to know stuff in bits and peices. They will ask questions randomly and out of the blue. This can be pretty hard going because you have to keep fairly composed and think of an answer when your heart is breaking.

They often get their answer and then go on playing as if they have just asked what is for lunch.

I am so very sorry for what is happening to your family.

I dont wish to sound trite, but having been through that awful period of waiting for something dreadful to happen, you will amaze yourself at the strength you have within you.

SassySusan · 25/06/2010 10:21

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Bechka · 25/06/2010 22:28

dcb I am so very, very sorry

BCBG · 30/06/2010 22:22

Sassysusan - hope this is not too late, but I just re-read and realised you have just lost your only daughter: I am so, so sorry for your loss

loopyloops · 30/06/2010 22:26

You have had lots of good advice already, Sands can be wonderful.

Something that I really liked was recently a friend bought our daughter (surviving twin) a star to name in her twin sister's name. She got a teddy bear with it too, to keep her close. As you told your son that the baby's going to the stars, this might be appropriate?

My thoughts are with you at this horrible time. The pain stays forever but you will feel happier in time, and your family will get through this together.
xxx