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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

just wanted to talk!!!

84 replies

mumtosomeone · 10/08/2005 07:27

Sorry you guys are getting this...you dont have to read on!!!! I had a scan yesterday and found I am no longer pregnant! I was only 7 weeks but i am so upset. I didnt expect to feel like this! Dh is trying to be supportive and I understand he has lost a baby too! I am still bleeding and it is getting heavier. Each time I go to the loo I am saying goodbye again to my poor little baby! I want toscream at him!! I am up now with the little ones whilst he snores in bed!! I want to thump him and scream and shout!!! Am I being awful! We told no one i was pregnant so no one knows I have lost it!(told ds(14) and DD(12)) Dh keeps asking if I am ok! I want to shout of course Iam not ok you stupid man!!! But instead i smile and say yes! When I cry he say 'oh whats the matter?' I want to say are you fing stupid or what!!!
I love this man so much but right now he is driving me mad!! i think he is mean and selfish and unsupportive,but I know he is doing his best!!
Sorry I will shut up now!

OP posts:
kid · 10/08/2005 07:32

sorry you are feeling this way. Of course you are angry, you are entitled to feel that way. With your DH, maybe he has accepted the MC but its much harder for you as you are still going through it.

Also having to put a front on for other people is hard, are there a few close people you can share it with, they might not be able to do anything for you but at least you can be yourself in front of them.

nailpolish · 10/08/2005 07:33

im so sorry to hear your news. dont beat yourself up about it please. you and your dh need to be there for each other. xxx

Original poster
mumtosomeone · 10/08/2005 07:36

I dont think I want anyone to know!!
Stupid i know but I kind of feel ...stupid!!!
Not the right word but cant describe the emotion!!
Keep hugging my ds..he is 10 months.

OP posts:
kid · 10/08/2005 07:38

its not stupid to not want to tell anyone, it can be hard to talk about it face to face. I just thought it might help you relax and be yourself in front of them rather than have to pretend everything is fine.

MrsGordonRamsay · 10/08/2005 07:39

DH probably doesn't know what else to do or say.

My DH is a very good man, but when I M/C our first baby, he was about as much use as an ejector seat in a helicopter.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

The one thing that makes our MC easier for me to bear is that every Christmas, I buy some lights on a Christmas tree at the hospice and there is a card at the base of the tree which reads "For baby X who didn't make it.

HTH

Original poster
mumtosomeone · 10/08/2005 07:40

My Mum would probably say something like its for the best!! I dont want all those platitudes..
Well its better now than later...you wouldnt have wanted anything but a perfect baby blaa blaaa crap blaa

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 10/08/2005 07:41

Oh MTS I am so sorry. What a huge mix of emotions you must be feeling. It is of course perfectly natural to feel angry, and you naturally take out your anger on the person/people closest to you. Scream and shout if you want to, why the hell not.

Original poster
mumtosomeone · 10/08/2005 07:43

Best go feed the ittle one now!! He is eating everything on the floor..toy cars etc!!! Really want to be in bed!!
Started bleeding on Friday and Dh only got up with them one day!!! I think thats pretty thoughtless, but maybe its just the state of mind I am in?

OP posts:
Original poster
mumtosomeone · 10/08/2005 07:44

If i get cross with him he goes off in a mood and I cant deal with his emotions on top of mine!
Sill stuff like we ran out of loo roll so he went and bought some but didnt put it in upstairs loo!!! I was mad about having to come back downstairs and hunt for loo roll. He then takes the huff!!!

OP posts:
kid · 10/08/2005 07:46

Once he gets out of bed, why don't you go back to bed or go and have a relaxing bath (if thats possible with 3 kids!)

Original poster
mumtosomeone · 10/08/2005 08:28

I have 5!!! Which is another reason i feel I shouldnt feel like this! I have never suffered in pregnancy and there are so many people trying to have a baby and i have 5 wonderful children! I should be thankful not upset!!
When he gets up!!! when will that be?!

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 10/08/2005 08:39

but MTS, human emotions don't work like that though. A baby is a baby, a loss is a loss, and the fact that you hav five (wonderful?) children means you know what you are missing!
if you lose a parent, no one says - " oh well, never mind you still have another one..."
by the way, there is a great article in the Guardian today about having five children. I am one of five myself and it's great, even now we are in our thirties and forties.
go and take him a cup of tea and tell him he needs to take over for a bit while you go back to sleep. and set up a lie in rota for the rest of the week! If he moans, put your ear plugs in.

Original poster
mumtosomeone · 10/08/2005 08:43

might send him out to get the gurdian for me to read in bed!!!

OP posts:
coppertop · 10/08/2005 09:14

MtS I couldn't get on the March thread to post but wanted to say how sorry I am.

Hopefully your dh is now up and is doing something for you at last. xxx

Original poster
mumtosomeone · 10/08/2005 10:09

he is up and running a bath for the little ones. In a mood because I told him I was upset with him. So the atmosphere is strained..just what I need!!!
I know he is going throught his too, but did his body need to stay in bed this morning!!
Does he have stomache pains?
I need his support..why cant he see this...why is it always about him!!!
Sorry to go on, but arnt these things meant to bring you closer? I just feel like he doesnt give a damn!!!

OP posts:
wishingchair · 10/08/2005 10:33

Oh MTS - I'm so sorry. Don't have any suggestions about your DH other than to be very specific that you are going through a very intense physical, hormonal and emotional upheaval. You need to rest. You need him to pull himself together, just like you are having to, and help support you. Tell him you're not OK and you need time to get through it.

Of course you're angry and want to scream and shout - suspect DH is getting the brunt of it cos he's closest to you (and is doing soooo many irritating things!!).

And I don't think it makes any difference how many children you already have. If you lose a baby it is hard. I'm sure you've got lots of friends ... if one of those died you wouldn't say "oh never mind, I've got other friends".

I also hate the "it wasn't meant to be", or "what if the baby had had disabilities, that would have been awful for you" comments. It's like if you won the lottery but suddenly they tell you your ticket isn't valid. You wouldn't comfort yourself by saying that ah well, winning the lottery ruins some peoples' lives, would you? Don't mean to trivialise, but you know what I mean. Thing is though, they only say those things because they think they're going to make you feel better, because they care about you. You could tell your mum and tell her you're devastated and you don't want to hear anything about it being for the best etc?

Take care xxx

Original poster
mumtosomeone · 10/08/2005 12:26

managed to have a sleep!! Mum didnt think i should have more anyway so its best she doesnt know!!! she would be hurt to think i had said that!!!
DH has been sweet since he got up!!!
Thanks all of you!

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 10/08/2005 13:30

good for you mts. keep smiling and enjoy your day.
I won't say "I know how you feel" because that's one of the really annoying things people say in these situations too but my thoughts are with you.
HC xx

Original poster
mumtosomeone · 10/08/2005 13:37

Dh gone to buy junk food for our movie day...well afternoon now!!! s'posed to be going to cinema but not sure i feel up to it, but cant let everyone down can I ?

OP posts:
Diddle · 10/08/2005 18:19

Mumtosomeone - first, I am so sorry that you are going through this I do know how you feel. I would be annoyed if my DH was doing what yours is, but it does sound like he is being a normal man i dont know many men that would think to do that with the loo roll.
I know its tough, but you also have to remember that this may be his way of dealing with the loss, by carrying on as normal and not acknowledging it. My DH insisted that he was fine and that he would be able to work, and just stored up his emotion, Then exploded. Men don't express themselves like us women.
Sounds like you both need a good cry together. I would confront him and tell him that he needs to let go of his emotions and be a little more thoughtful, even if he is grieving too.
Please don't think that you shouldn't be grieving because you have 5 other children, Regardless of the number you have already (i have none yet) it doesnt make the process any easier, and the loss of a child is just that. Other children don't make a difference.
Please take time to look after yourself, and if DH won't get out of bed, take the little kids and go and join him, he'll soon get out, and hopefully take them with him

Take it easy, and feel free to release your emotions as much as you want on here.

baggybear · 11/08/2005 00:21

M2S1 - I hope you get this. Been looking for you. When I said a while ago we had things in common, I didn't think it would go this far

I started bledding on saturday and it got worse over a couple of days. Went to A&E tuesday morning and was immediatley refered to EPAU. Was scanned and there was nothing to see. They said it was either eptopic, I had my dates wrong or the pregnancy didnt go beyond 6 weeks. But the bleeding had got really bad whilst i was at hosp. Got home and the pain really started (had very mild ache before). Felt like i was having contractions. Got up Wednesday and was really bad - pain, more HEAVY bleeding and on top of that (and i'm not sure if this is a good thing to say, so heartfelt apologies if it isn't) i saw the "it".

I have 3 wonderful sons and have never miscarried before. I have never in my life felt like i have done over the last few days.

I really feel for you M2S1. If you want to talk i'm hear coz i know i could do with talking right now. Hope you are okay. {{{hugs}}} xxx

MarsLady · 11/08/2005 00:28

I'm sorry that you both lost your babies.

Cadmum · 11/08/2005 01:11

mumtosomeone: I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I can only emphasise that it doesn't make it any easier that you have children already. As some poster already pointed out, a loss is a loss and it is really painful physically and emotionally.

I have to agree that your DH needs to try to tune in to his feelings and to your needs. If you are like me, he may be thinking that you are coping beautifully so it wouldn't hurt to tell him exactly what you need in terms of rest; talking it all out; time to be on your own (or together time). Men are never good at reading minds especially during emotional times. I am in no way suggesting that you shouldn't feel angry and disappointed with him because I know that I would be furious about the exact same things.

Please continue to post here. This section of MN has saved my sanity during the worst times of my life. I would love to be able to return the favour if only as a sounding board.

Cadmum · 11/08/2005 01:14

Baggybear, I have just posted a short message to you on the due in March thread... I know that hearing I'm sorry is useless to you at this point but I truly am. A miscarriage is really heartbreaking. Give youself time to grieve and take care of yourself.

I will be lurking here if you want to talk.

MarsLady · 11/08/2005 01:15

cadmum she's on the anyone awake thread.

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