The stupid things people say .

[travellingwilbury]

This is just a place for people to have a good vent about the daft things people have said to you after a bereavement .

I am well aware that most things are not said to hurt anybody but sometimes they do and it is good to have a place to moan about it without having to be nice and think of someone elses feelings .

That's appalling

A terrible thing to say, yes, and yet I also find it terribly amusing; Bounty woman was so spectacularly tactless that I can't imagine for one moment that she meant what she said. It was pure panic, and not knowing that all she needed to say was "I'm very sorry". Even at the time dh and I found it more surprising than upsetting.

We've been fortunate in having people treat us very sensibly since dd's death (thanks in part to the above mentioned Tips sheet).

Flight, I was with my friend and another friend of hers (who I knew quite well tho not close).

We sat and spoke about "this an that" until eventually she said "Sorry Magic, I hope you don't think i'm being ignorant not mentioning your mum, but, I just don't know what to say at times like this".

That was spot on for me.

She aknowleged my mums death, yet admitted she found it hard to find the right words.

IMO so much better than lots of the comments on here.

Thankyou Magic. I'm glad she said the right thing and it didn't upset you.

I've just been asked to write someone's obituary, which I did but managed to get her place of birth wrong - what an eejit. I think the rest was pretty accurate though.

It was a very difficult thing to do, and feeling like I've messed up - but I did try.

Thanks again for your help. x

When I lost my dad, I decided you could work out who had had a bone-shaking bereavement and who hadn't. Those who had, acknowledged your loss but didn't elaborate or share any of their own losses unless you asked. Those who hadn't blundered in with a tragic story, rivalling anything you might be going through, usually of a dead pet or something. Having experienced the death of a treasured pet dog. I can assure them that the death of my dad was more upsetting.

My ex-MIL took the biscuit, though. She had lost parents and other close ones but still came out with the gem... "it's such a pity your dad loved alcohol more than he loved you". Yes, I suppose it was a pity. It was my 40th birthday, 4 weeks after he had died in not very nice circumstances of alcoholic liver disease, that she shared this particular bit of wisdom.

Thought I'd got over this but the evidence on this side of the computer screen seems to indicate otherwise.

aw, wasistlos, big hug for you.

I was told by someone once that you never get over it, but you find ways to cope with it. (someone who'd lost his wife several yearts before)

Urgh the worst has to be the health visitor ringing me the day before DS's funeral, crying and then hanging up one me.... or anyone that compares losing my DS to their fucking dog dying. I'm sorry, I know pain is pain, but its not the same.

Zeno that is appalling!

Fliight - I would worry about getting facts mixed up - the vicar got some of DW's facts mixed up and in the wrong order during the eulogy, a bit of light relief in an otherwise grim day.

Aaaaggghhh - dreadful typo - I wouldN'T worry.

thankyou

This thread makes me so sad, and so sorry for so many of you- this should be sent to everyone who has a friend/partner/relation/colleague that has suffered a bereavement.
I lost my father 12 years ago, have had three m/cs and another dear family member died just last October. I hope that it has taught me that it is highly important to acknowledge to the griever that you feel sorry for them and that those simple words "I'm sorry" can mean so much. It has also taught me that it is not possible to know exactly how the sufferer feels about their loss and it is deeply insulting to assume you know what they are going through and even worse to express that opinion. Therefore I tend to say something along the lines of "I don't know exactly how you are feeling but I guess it must be very hard right now, I'm thinking of you".
Practical help is also a rarely tapped resource and can speak volumes.
From a personal point of view I also feel it is very important to LISTEN to what the sufferer is saying and even what they are not saying.
I'll give you an example:
When my dad died I got into the habit of responding to people's expressions of sympathy by saying "its OK".
I think that was my way of filling that awkward embarassed gap when the other person struggles for something else significant to say, and pre-empts them sticking their foot firmly in their mouth. It also gives them 'permission' to move on to less difficult matters.
Sometimes I was screaming inside to be able to carry on the conversation about my dad, how I was feeling etc but I sensed that the listener wouldn't be receptive, so "Its OK" became my stock response, while I stoically swallowed back my pain and "stayed strong".
A few weeks after I returned to work I bumped into an ex-boss of mine. He had heard of my loss and told me he was sorry to hear it.
I replied with "its OK".
The boss then stopped in his tracks, move closer, looked me in the eye and with disarming concern simply said "Its NOT OK, sweetheart, it's not ok".
I was floored, thanked him and dashed off to shed some long-supressed tears.
I will be eternally grateful to this man, whose simple care and understanding helped me move on in my grief and gave ME permission to hurt.
Sometimes it the little gestures that make all the difference.
I wish you all peace.

My Mum died very agressively and suddenly from cancer last year at 63. She was widowed in her twenties with six very young children (aged 6, 5, 3, 2, 3months and pregnant)brought us all up alone....so life was tough but we were very close as she was our mum and our dad. Her sister sidled up to me, next to the open coffin at Mum's wake and asked me to look after her daughter (ie my cousin) when this happened to her....my aunts son - who chose to go on holiday to India instead of staying for my Mum's funeral -- instructed me to "look after his Mum" as she had taken this badly...wanted to say ...look after your own fucking Mum I wish mine was still here to look after ...

To add to what I've written before, there are the friends who say, 'Sorry I haven't written/called (for, like, 8 months)- I've just found it too painful to deal with'.

I understand what they mean, really I do, but it's the insensitivity of saying it to me - his widow and the mother of his children, that gets me.

And I don't care how much people's dogs/cats/goldfish are part of the family. Losing a bloody cat does not compare to losing a partner/child/sibling/parent/friend etc. Never, ever, ever.

As someone I know put it, some of us would have put the goddamned cat through the blender for my partner to have been able to hold his newborn baby girl and see his children grow up. So ner.

I do sound mean-spirited and I promise I'm never actually narky with such people, but it is good to be able to have a grumble to people who understand.

Lost my dad, uncle, 2 aunts, all grandparents, 3 friends to suicide, and numerous pets, heard lots of dreadful foot-in-mouth remarks. But I like this one the best:

My DS, aged 7, had two job share teachers at school. One of them died of long term cancer (she had been in remission for 3 yrs) very suddenly one weekend. The pupils were all told, the school dealt with it brilliantly, and when parents went to pick up at 3pm we all had letters waiting for us about it. I was concerned for DS, wanted him to know it was ok to cry or whatever. But all he could say was "oh dont worry, we've got another teacher"!!

Hopefully he will grow up to be rather more sensitive. Hugs to you all x

My sister was stillborn when I was two, and I spent my entire childhood badgering my Mom for a sibling. While she was clearly petrified of going through the whole experience again.
Now having my own child, I really can't see how I could be so insensitive. [despair]

Some really shocking ones
Personally the worst ones for me are

1. (after 4th m/c) "Must be something wrong with you - maybe it's nature's way" Yes - seriously.
2. "It wasn't mean to be - baby was probably disabled"
3. (from my mum) "well the age gap would have been too close really" - 1st m/c - ds was 2.
4. (from mil) "Maybe it's girls you keep losing"

On returning home following the death of my dad, MIL said nothing at all to me.

Later in the day I said to her

'You do know my dad died'

to which she replied

'Yes, but I didn't want to say anything in case you were upset'