The stupid things people say .

[travellingwilbury]

This is just a place for people to have a good vent about the daft things people have said to you after a bereavement .

I am well aware that most things are not said to hurt anybody but sometimes they do and it is good to have a place to moan about it without having to be nice and think of someone elses feelings .

This is not surprisingly an EX-boss

Blimey wantsto! I had a call from my boss the day after my mother's funeral asking where I was, but that was just him being forgetful.

Otter, there were other equally shocking things that came from her as well.

It got to a point that I was so with her I asked her to tell me exactly when, where and what time her dad would die (horrid I know, but, was so bloody angry with her). She of course said, I don't know how am I supposed to know that?. My answer to her was EXACTLY, but, thats what you expected me to do, otherwise how the hell could I have given you 4wks notice.

Another mum at my daughters school asked after my son who was very ill in hospital. I replied saying he was dying, and her response was 'we are all dying'. Fortunately I was too shocked to reply!

Helena

That was so insensitive

If people can't say something useful they should keep it shut.

My baby daughter died at 3pm in the afternoon in hospital - when my husband and I arrived home some 45 minutes later, we were greeted by a house full of our family members - my FIL had arranged for everyone to come to our house and called an urgent meeting, which he chaired and announced, in a stern voice, that 'the crying stops now' WTF???!!!! (Very proud family and all that crap).

On the day of my daughter's funeral, a man came up to me and said 'Don't worry, next time it will be a boy.' WTF?? Eff off, you effing effer - sorry 12 years on and I'm still not over that one.

At the wake after my baby's funeral, my very best friend asked me to change her baby daughter's nappy (she had to go get something out of the oven) - I still don't know how I managed to do it - think I must have put it on back to front - don't know.

After my 2nd miscarriage fil cheerfully told me "it's just natures way, afterall you don't get disabled cows now do you?" I was astounded especially as
mil had 4 m/c between her 4 children some at very late stages, so you would have thought he would have had some concept.

After DD passed away - you will have another one. Yeah effing right as I had a MC 6 months later.

Also, "she was just a baby".

christ, there are some bloody insensitive comments here. My heart goes out to all of you lovely ladies (and gent) that have had stupid comments made at a time of such terrible grief. There really are some idiots out there.
sh77, 4andnotout, NJ, shabs and everyone else, I'm so sorry for your loses. I really don't know how you stayed calm and kept your dignity after some of those stupid comments.

My lovely mother died last June. Having already lost my dad I was distraught. I was also 3,000 miles away and felt lonely and helpless. I also was filled with guilt as she hadn't met my new baby boy who had been born abroad and she was due to meet him 2 weeks later. That night I was crying in bed and woke DH up (I was apparently making too much noise). He asked what was wrong and somewhat shocked I reminded him my mum had died. He said 'oh, I thought something else had happened', turned over and went back to sleep! A few days later I was told to pull myself together as I should be over it by now.

sadly, I think most people just don't know what to say so instead of saying nothing or just sorry for your loss, come out with ridiculous comments.

"oh well, you might have split up." Friend just after my husband died.

She is a good friend, and was helpful as well as horrendously tactless.

She also said that if her husband died she would not have anything to do with men again, and go for long walks in the country rather than try to have other relationships, because anything else would be a betrayal of her children.

I particularly hate that, when people speculate how they might react to a bereavement. I feel like shouting: "Shut the fuck up! Unless it has happened to you, be quiet!"

But that would be most intemporate

My favourite ones have to be:

'Death is all part of life's great cycle. It was their time' or
'They were old/ill...' or
'They are at rest'
'They will never be dead as long as they are remembered/in your heart, etc'
'I know how you feel' - (no you bloody don't - you are in your 70s with both parents alive and I am in my 30s and both are dead, so no you bloody don't)

Cue punch in face. No, they are dead, it is not fair and no comfort whatsoever when you just want your dad.

Sorry - not as mad as some of the comments (what planet are some of these people on??) but pretty common. I know people don't know what to say. I would rather they didn't sat anything and just passed the kleenex.

These have been said to me, but regarding a friend who has very recently suffered a stillbirth at 22 weeks.

One person came out with the gem 'maybe it was for the best...' Her 20 week scan showed no abnormalities, so the cause is as yet unknown, and obviously losing a baby always makes people think positively

Another sensitive being uttered the words 'she can have another...' Apparently no regard for the fact that this baby would always be her firstborn, and she would have to live with the loss of her DD forever

I was also quite upset by the news myself, as I am currently 21 weeks pregnant, and was asked why I was upset, cue someone explaining that I was sad for my friend and her family (they were told why they had reason to be upset), to which this person responded 'why are they upset?' Words escape me.

I was told by a divorcing friend that 'divorce is like a bereavement'. WTF?! There is nothing like the finality of death. NOTHING! What I would give for OH to have met our beautiful second baby. What I would give to see the look on our 3 year old's face if he suddenly walked through the door.

And I'm going to fee really bad about this one, 'cos she's my sis and I love her, but here's the place to vent, right?

She's got body dismorphia and had a bad bout just before the birth of her first child. I bit my lip and phoned her every night. I know it's depression, a chemical imbalance in the brain, she's not seeing things rationally etc. but there is a limit to how often I can take being told that her life is not worth living because of a completely imagined defect. FFS!!!!! You have a husband who is alive! You have a baby on the way who will have a daddy!

Oh, and I don't think I can attend a wedding a month after the love of my life drops dead with no warning. No it will not be a reminder of the fact that 'there are good things in life' - it will be an immensely painful reminder that my particular love story is over, over, over and I would have to spend the day either crying and having to explain to strangers why I'm ruining the party or getting too pissed to stand (not an option when I was 8 months pregnant).

New parents and newly weds. Please be sensitive enough not to rub my face in it by cooing and necking so obviously in front of me.

'At least you've experienced that amazing love'. Doesn't make me feel much better about marking time for the rest of my life wishing I still had it though, does it?

'The children will take your mind off it' HOW exactly? When every gorgeous thing they do, every milestone, is a kick in the gut that their Daddy didn't get to see it?

No, just because your husband works late, does really NOT mean that you have any idea what it's like to do this on your own, while coping with all the bitterness and grief.

I just want to curl up and shut the world out, sometimes most of the time.

Oh dear, this is such a bitter rant. I'm really - what's that phrase? - 'not in a good place' at the moment.

Big hug from me x

Ars - seen your other post (joke one) and so feel for you. I was pregnant with dc1 when my DH died, v suddenly and unexpectedly so have something of a shared experience. sounds like you are having a tough time right now (of course you are having a tough time all the time, but right now you sound very bleak). Have you found the merrywidow website and discussion board? a good place to find comfort and solace from people who are right in it with you. also WAY may be able to help?

sorry for thread hijack - but I know people here won't mind. post again or start a new thread in bereavement if I or anyone else can help. lots of people here understand...

on the topic of insensitive things to say:

• "have you thought of getting a dog or cat?"

• "my dh was away this weekend and it really dragged. I hadn't ever thought that you would find them hard." (admittedly from a lovely friend who did lots for me during the week when her dh was away at work, but then silence all weekend the minute he was back -she had never stopped to think that weekends might be different for me somehow!)

• "to be fair, most people find it hard when they first have a baby or move house" (another friend when I was just commenting that I wanted to give myself a bit of time off from other commitments as it's been a roller coaster what with DH dying and me being pregnant / moving house from overseas bback to the UK / having a baby on my own and all... obviously babies are hard work but most people don't do it alone and under massive burden of grief, loss and shock.) will stop now before I sound too bitter...!

after i found my mother dead ( she had been there two weeks with elecrtic blanket on)

i told a freind who said "Jesus Christ Custy, she was cooking!"

she is a good friend, just gob first brain later type.

all i could think was 'fuck'

There are two I can think of

I had a couple of (I think) Jehovas Witnesses knock on the door as I was off to my Godsons funeral and when they spotted I was off to a funeral, think the head to toe black and the teddy floral arrangement gave it away, they opened with 'the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away' he was three days old and I wasnt really in the best of moods.

and the other

Husband of a friend when told that his wifes sister had died said 's* happens, what do you want me to do?'

"divorce is like a bereavement"

My usual response to that one is - you don't want them back - I do!

my ex had a go at me crying a couple of weeks after my old choirmaster died (i held him in very high regard) his comment was something along the lines of "fgs it's not like he was a close friend of relative". well, no, but we all called him uncle and i mostly cried when i thought about how his widow could possibly be feeling.

another insensitive moment i can think of was to my good friend from her boss about 8 months after her dad had died.
he was concerned because she'd had a lot of sick days and he said that she should be over it. the fact that the reason she kept getting ill was because she wasn't over it, nd in fact had only just started grieving for him (she spent months looking after her family who seemed to need to grieve more than she did) and now 3 years after his death, she's still not grieving properly, was obviously too much for her boss to understand.

Can I ask what is actually good to say?

I'm struggling with this atm and there are so many things that seem to be wrong, yet I have to say something.

Any pointers would be great.

I've had divorced people telling me they know just how I feel. Seems to be a common thing! Well, no, you don't. Your kids still see their daddy. If they wake in the night crying for him, they can ring him up. Mine can't.

I also hate the 'you're young, you'll meet someone else,' comments. I don't want someone else. I want DH. Maybe sometime in the future that may change but right now I just want him.

One mum at school told me I shouldn't assume all marriages were happy ones and that being widowed was better than living in an unhappy marriage.

I also hate it when people assume that, because my DSs were very young (only 4 and 5) when DH died, that they'll get over it very quickly and they don't feel grief like adults do. It may not be in their minds as constantly as it is with an adult, but they do feel intense, heartbreaking grief and it infuriates me when people refuse to acknowledge that. Thinking specifically of my sister who told me that DS2 was putting his grief on so that I'd let him sleep in my bed.

Fliight - as for what you can say, just acknowledge the situation. A simple 'I'm sorry for your loss' is absolutely fine. Having your grief ignored is perhaps the most painful thing of all.

thanks Mummydoit. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be the ultimate in painful situations.

I wish I could just say 'I'm sorry for your loss' but I'm in regular email contact with the person and there is a fair bit of writing involved. So it's very hard to know what is OK and what isn't, when you have an entire email to fill!

I've never experienced the loss of a child and though she was my closest friend, it isn't the same at all. So am having to wing it a bit.

Thankyou though, at least there is a good long list on this thread of what NOT to say!

Fliight
I have to point you in the direction of the most helpful summary of how to support bereaved parents: here

We were really fortunate that a friend handed round and emailed this sheet to people when our little girl died suddenly. Lots of people have spoken to us since about how helpful they found it to have some guidance on what to say as well as what not to say.

The sheet is called "Tips for supporting bereaved parents". It's from Care for the Family, which is a Christian outfit, but it's not a religious thing at all.

I hope this is of some help to you in supporting your friend. I can tell you for sure it made a big difference for us in helping people know how to be around us.

Gosh Zeno, thankyou so much. I'm finding it very intense and very difficult, though naturally not as difficult as it is for him
so I will have a good read through.

Thankyou, and sorry that you have suffered this

Worst after my sister died, from an ex of hers to me, twice:
"Of course, I've been through this once already when we she left me."

Worst after dd1 died aged four, from the Bounty woman in the hospital where, nine weeks later, I had just given birth to dd2:
"Oh well, you've got a nice little replacement there."

No really, it's true, she actually did say that. Fortunately for her I was too exhausted to say anything other than to ask her to leave, and dh was too stunned to speak! We made a complaint before leaving on the basis that she needed educating in the subtle arts of what not to say!