The stupid things people say .

[travellingwilbury]

This is just a place for people to have a good vent about the daft things people have said to you after a bereavement .

I am well aware that most things are not said to hurt anybody but sometimes they do and it is good to have a place to moan about it without having to be nice and think of someone elses feelings .

Lutyens that's so sad. But pretty typical kind of comment for a 15 year-old under the circumstances I'd say! Don't be too hard on yourself. Big hug.

thumbwitch, I think my mum was trying to lift my spirits. She was using a cheery tone which at the time annoyed me more. I think she was trying to tell me that I have a lot to look forward to and I wouldn't feel that sad forever. She probably shouldn't have said the bits about her life being over, but her head was as much all over the place as mine was.

MissM, that's what I tell myself. I was pretty obnoxious at 15 and that comment was typical - very me, me, me. At 32 it just makes me cringe so badly.

I guess I just wanted to say that some people who act like twats probably do know that they have said the wrong thing, but just don't know how to go back and correct it. (Some of the stories on here are horrendous though in their insensitivity!)

I found people generally just said nothing/avoided me instead but the things people did say which made me go (which i guess i was thankful for in some way as at leas they tried) i lost more friends by them saying nothing than saying the wrong thing.

One specific, a friend said 'it must have been so tiring to travel back and forth for so long, you can stop that now' the rest are the general things people say.

'are you ok?' the day after my mum died, after 8 months of cancer. What do you think?

'at least she is not suffering anymore'. I never really got that one. No, she is not suffering, but she is not here either. I always tried to think that myself as people said it so much, but i just could not/cannot.

'she was ready to go, she is at peace' no she was not, she had just become a grandmother, she was about to move near me, she was NOT ready.

But, can i just say something lovely, the best thing ever that someone close to me could say to me? My best friend phoned me on the day mum died, as soon as she heard. She called me and said very simply 'pavlov, I love you' She could not say any more. It was all i needed to hear as there was nothing else to say.

But all this pales into insignificance compared to some of the things that have been said.

I try to remember that the vast majority of people who make these terribly insensitive comments are misguided rather than malicious. I know one of the most hideous comments: "once the funeral is done with I'm sure you'll get closure" came from one of my best friends after my ds was stillborn. She is not a horrid person she just didn't know what to say. Having put up with a few "how was your summer?" comments on returning to school obviously no longer pregnant
and sans baby I know that I'd rather someone said something, however inappropriate, than nothing at all.

re loosing my dearest mother ... I was speaking to her financial planner and he said 'yeah, just makes you grow up and realise, you'll be next' as in 'your dads' dead, now your mums' dead so your the next in line'
Now that's got to cheer you up for the day.
I can laugh at his insensitivity now, but at the time i wasn't!!!

I was in a shop not long after DD died.

I saw the mother of a girl who was a friend of DD. She was one of the kids who made a big play of being DD's 'best friend' although she wasnt.

The woman looked at me and said 'oh I just saw you and was trying to get out without you seeing me'

I asked why

she said ' well its just easier isnt it? Its awkward' she then went on to tell me about how amazing her DD was because she had written a poem about my DD and wasnt that wonderful of her?

What made it more annoying was this woman saw herself as a real alternative hippy type and really spiritual.

Stupid cow.

I also hate 'she's in a better place' utter bollocks, what better place is there for a 14 year old girl than with her mum?

Someone suggested I name my new kitten after my DD. This was a couple of months after she died. What a fecking odd thing to say?

I think most of us understand that people are trying to be kind or just dont know what to say but as I have said before its always US that have to bite our tounges and be polite. Sos we dont upset anyone

chegirl How you controlled yourself from slapping her I will never know!

Pavlov your post made me cry. What a lovely friend you have.

The day my dad died I texted my best friends (a couple) to tell them, I couldn't face speaking the words out loud. They phoned straight back and said 'come round. Now'. My DH was away at sea, I was home alone with my 3 girls and felt so totally alone with my feelings.

I went round, they opened and the door and my friend just held out her arms and said 'oh darling, come here' and held me as I wept, whilst her DH took the girls off to play. They understood just how I needed someone to be with me without trite comments.

The other ones I found hardest were the comments along the lines of 'well he's with God/in heaven/at peace now'. I don't believe in God or heaven and he's not at peace, he's dead and gone forever. Don't sugarcoat it for me as it doesn't make it any easier.

Some of the comments on here are and go beyond the awkward to downright nasty and insensitive. UnMumsnetty hugs to you all.

Pavlov your best friend's comment has made me cry. What a lovely person she must be.

Chegirl your loss is so extreme, but I didn't understand the 'better place' comment about my brother either. He was at the absolute best place in his entire life, just got married, his band was at the top of its game, he was so unbelievably happy and was in the best place he had ever been in his life. I don't know why people think that comment is appropriate.

I think people are genuinely at a loss at what to say, but as nancydrew says, the worst was peple saying nothing and pretending nothing had happened, so even if they said something ridiculous at least they were acknowledging that something had happened.

If we are going to sidetrack into people that have said the right thing, then that award would got o one of DW's friends who a couple of days after she died, when a lot of the mums seemed to be avoiding me in the playground came up and said "I am not going to treat you any different to before you know!", right then it was just what I needed to hear.

missM yes, she is very special. She was with me and DH at the birth of my first baby in place of my mum who was having chemo so could not be there. She is the godmother to both my children.

My lovely Nana died very recently, and it's coming up to the anniversary of the death of my baby.

Most insensitive comment about my Nana - my godmother saying that my Nana had done well, getting to 82 with HER lifestyle (she liked a tipple and a ciggy). Her and several other people have pretty much said 'oh well, she was old and ready to go, never mind'. I can see the point of view - it IS of course part of normal life for the old to shuffle off this mortal coil, but I am still shocked (I thought she'd make 92), still incredibly sad, still grieving, still wishing I'd seen her or phoned her more, still mourning the loss of somebody I was incredibly close to etc etc.

Most insensitve comment about my baby - at the scan when the sonographer discovered my baby had a condition that was 'incompatable with life', she was talking about how in the old days before scans you would only find out at the birth, and 'you have to think how awful that would be for the midwife'. She also told me I couldn't have a scan photo because 'let's face it, your baby has half a head, it isn't going to be pretty'.

But crikey these don't even come close to some of the things you other folk have had to suffer and endure.

houseontopofahill reeling at what the sonographer said to you.

Just remembering a friend who I had a row with because I could not be there for her when she was having a hard time in her work and personal life. She said "thing is cerealqueen' its all been a about you recently' to which I replied 'I've just lost both parents in the space of six months, sorry if its inconvenienced you to have to be supportive'. That wasn't the worst she did - she had in a text message thrown it back in my face that she had come to my mums funeral. I knew I could never forgive her.

Cerealqueen that was very rotten of her. It's a shame isn't it that people get it so badly wrong?

Reading this thread has made me feel sad (and laugh out loud) at the crassness of it all.

When my DB died after a long illness, a close friend said: "Well, he's better of out of it" - or words to that effect.

No, you arse; he loved his life, every bit of it.

And she's never mentioned him since. Fifteen years now, and I'm weeping as I write this.

So at lots of these. Amazing how people get silly with their words about death. We've tried really hard to be open about it and talk about it as much as poss with ds (3 at time of bereavement, 5 now), cos the fact of death being such a taboo subject means people make faux pas all the time!

The 'he's in a better place' pisses me off. His life had only just started (24). Also, my recently divorced bil said he knew how I felt, his divorce was just the same as my brother dying (arse). My MIL saying, 'well at least he didn't have any kids'. Well exactly, he'll never get the chance now, silly mare. My boss saying, 'I just can't work when all these people keep coming in and giving you hugs and sympathy.' But the worst, to my mum, after her youngest son died, 'oh well, it's been a month now, don't you think you should be moving on'. Honestly...

After my 1st mc, a friend of dhs came round.
we were renovating our house at the time.
He looked round with disgust and said, "well, its a good job you lost that baby, you couldnt have brought a kid up in this"

my 5th mc in December just gone the Dr said to me, " we are just waiting for all of the baby bits to come out before you can go home"

House, that's the worst thing I have ever heard. I am so sorry you went through that.

I was looking in the shops for a sympathy card the other day, one was very pretty, had a sort of blue sky and a star in it - there were words on the front, though, which really let it down.

First bit: there's one more star in the sky tonight'

followed underneath by 'and though it is far away, its light and warmth still reach us, bla bla bla...' it went on and on really telling the person that they weren't allowed to be sad because this fracking star was shining on them.

I ended up with one that just said 'with sympathy'

sausagepastie , I know what you mean about those cards . Some of the poems people sent to me were along similar lines and they just made me really cross . There is no silver lining to losing a son and yet some people seem determined to find it .

I always remember the stone mason keep asking me if I was sure about having a black stone as "It was a really depressing colour for a child"

Well it is a bloody gravestone for a 14mth old and I am finding it all a bit bloody depressing actually .

I received some flowers and a box of chocolates from my Mum's former bosses - who had treated her terribly. That wouldn't have been so bad, although the letter they sent with it was horrible - it read like a pro forma from "1001 Letters for All Occassions", apart from the line admonishing me for not informing them of the funeral (I'd actually been told by an old colleague of hers not to tell them - they really were dreadful to her and she would not have wanted them there).

The real icing on the cake though was this paperweight they also sent, adorned with their company's insignia. They suggested I use it at something to remember her by.

Just how do you respond to that?

The letter was so offensive that DP threw it out - which is a shame as it was quite funny in a kind of way.

Sister died of cancer. My children devastated. 'Friend' told me her death was a good opportunity for them to learn about life and death, to learn the lesson that bad things can happen. That was over three years ago and can't get it out of my head.

When my Mum passed away had a card from friend which said that if I ever want to talk about it 'then dont hestiate to call me' then after in brackets , after next Friday would be better . Her Ds was going into hospital for tonsils out , yes I know she may have been worried about that ,but still no need really ...

"smile, you'd think someone had died "

Erm actually my dad just did.

Have to say she was very apologetic after that.

Why do you always have to walk around with a big on your face all the time anyway?

I have told this comment to so many people i've changed my name in case anyone who knows me recognises it ok.

After being told my dad had 48hrs to live, and for obvious reasons not wanting to go into work, my boss said the following

"we pay you to look after our children while we go to work, we don't pay you to sit at home all day with your dad. If you wanted to spend time with him you have to give at least 4wks notice"