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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

The stupid things people say .

143 replies

travellingwilbury · 02/03/2010 18:08

This is just a place for people to have a good vent about the daft things people have said to you after a bereavement .

I am well aware that most things are not said to hurt anybody but sometimes they do and it is good to have a place to moan about it without having to be nice and think of someone elses feelings .

OP posts:

cyteen · 03/03/2010 17:16

Good grief (ahaha), these are just awful

Mine was "Shall we go over here and look at the lovely flowers?" Innocuous enough in itself, but when delivered in a singsong ah-diddums tone by a doddery old vicar, to a 14 year old girl sobbing her heart out with rage and hurt because she's just sat through the world's least appropriate funeral for her mum, well, it took on a whole new layer of wrong.

Mbear · 03/03/2010 17:34

Some of these are horrific, truly awful.

I had someone completly ignore my dbs death, literally said nothing. Just started talking about stuff like normal. Would it effing kill you to just say you're sorry???

Also, saw an old schoolfriend 6 months after who asked about him (as if he was alive) so obviously I told her etcetc, no problem with that as not everyone does know - however I found out after that she did know he had died, so WTF?? I still reel at that

LunaticFringe · 03/03/2010 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MERLYPUSS · 03/03/2010 20:17

A colleague said she knew how I felt when I returned to work after my nephew (22) was killed as her mother (80+) had died too. Peacfully. In her sleep. Wouldn't of been so bad but I work for the police and one of 'our' officers was the family liaison officer so I was hot gossip all the time I was off. And staff had been warned to treat me with kid gloves as it was such a sensitive thing.

assumetheposition · 03/03/2010 20:20

Mbear, I had that too. I know that this person knew that my Dad had died because my Mum had told her . People are weird.

I also had one my Mum's friends (who I never liked) at her funeral asking if she could take my number because her niece would like to have some work experience at my company . I just walked away.

MissM · 03/03/2010 20:50

One of my oldest friends after my brother had died of cancer said, 'Well, he's gone to a better place. They do say the good die young.' I had no words after that one and have few to say to her since.

We stayed at a B&B the night of my brother's funeral. When we were heading out in the morning the over-friendly owner asked if we were off anywhere nice. I said (stupidly) 'Well actually it's my brother's funeral'. She was stunned for a moment then brightened and said 'Oh well, it's a lovely day for it!' I laughed in horror and disbelief all the way there.

thumbwitch · 03/03/2010 22:10

MissM - not to diminish your stories in any way, but I think the second one was just a shock reaction by the woman, you know, where you just blurt out something to cover your embarrassment and it just happens to be utterly inappropriate. She probably kicked herself all day for that one...

I know I have put my foot in it with other people's bereavements, completely unintentionally, and been mortified for ages afterwards.

chimchar · 04/03/2010 07:34

i want to scream and shout and go mad when people tell me that my mum has "gone to a better place"....no, she hasn't. she was happy here, and would be bloody furious to have been taken away from us too soon and with no warning.

a stupid woman who i see sometimes as part of a bigger group sat next to me at a mums night out shortly after my mum died, she said i'm really sorry about your mum...my mums fantastic...she's great. we see eachother every few days. we do nice things like go for coffee, and go shopping in marksies...i don't know what i'd do if anything happenned to my mum.... i wanted to slam her head against the table...i politely smiled and said sweetly." did i mention...my dad has cancer!" didn't know what else to say....

an old friend of my dads told him "oh, great...you can get a dog...won't be quite the same, but you know...." we actually laughed about that....really laughed...how fantastically inappropriate!!

sorry to hear about all of your losses...but particularly those of you who have lost children and partners. the pain i bet is unexplicable. (i hope its not an inappropriate thing to say!)

Original poster

travellingwilbury · 04/03/2010 07:44

thumbwitch , that is part of the reason for moaning on here about what people say instead of saying it to someones face . I know that 99 % of the time there is no malice in what has been said and normally it is with the best of intentions .

I could never have told anybody how much some of their words had upset me , I know they would have been really upset to think they had added to my grief .

Most people are good people thankfully and I am would still rather someone said something badly than ignored and walked on by .

OP posts:

Original poster

travellingwilbury · 04/03/2010 07:45

"The good die young" one always makes me want to throw something .

Actually I do believe that Mother Theresa and Ghandi were pretty good and they were allowed to hang around for a while .

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 04/03/2010 07:48

true enough travellingwilbury - that was the only one that I felt I might have said by accident in the embarrassment of the moment though; some of the other examples on here show a stunning disregard for the feelings of the person involved, whether meant or not.

TrinityIsFuckingTrying · 04/03/2010 07:51

I'm shocked by the insensitivity and/or sheer stupidity of some people making these comments

a not very close friend of mine said when I was mentioning how worried I was about my girls trying to deal with losing their dad said 'Oh, they'll be fine, my three have never had a dad and they're ok'...

Original poster

travellingwilbury · 04/03/2010 07:55

Thats the other thing thumbwitch what would make one bereaved person want to hit somebody it would actually make someone else smile .

The bereaved are like a big old group of women with PMT . You never quite know what is going to set them off .

I had a lot of what I called "Monty Python moments" with friends and family .

One was having to sit and listen to my friend going on about how busy her christmas was going to be and she had no idea how she was going to manage and how stressful everything was for her . This was the day before my sons funeral . All the while her bloody dog was barking like mad in the car . This carried on for half an hour . The whole situation just felt so surreal , I couldn't understand why she would have brought her stupid dog with her . At the time I couldn't even bear the sound of the washing machine being on . My mum had to take everything and wash at her house .

But she wasn't to know that and her waffling on about christmas was nerves . So I could never tell her how much the whole thing wound me up but it really did .

OP posts:

DadInsteadofMum · 04/03/2010 10:14

Chimchar - unexplicable is not a word that I would have used, but it is a really, really good word, because I can't explain it to somebody that hasn't been through it.

WingedVictory · 04/03/2010 10:22

One of my oldest friends after my brother had died of cancer said, 'Well, he's gone to a better place. They do say the good die young.' I had no words after that one and have few to say to her since.

Not even to comment on her longevity (old bag), and what it means about her being good or not? You are a very restrained person! Or else too hurt to snap back the response which was so clearly called for...

MissM · 04/03/2010 13:33

Thumbwitch - that's why I laughed at the B&B woman's comment, because it probably was a nervous reaction and I'm sure she was kicking herself afterwards. I wasn't really offended by it, just a bit hysterically horrified.

Winged Victory - the main reason I didn't say anything was because I was on my mobile on Oxford Street and was so not in the world that I wasn't even sure I'd heard right. She's an old school friend and I'm her son's godmother, so I needed to work out the best response! To be honest I was so stunned that I couldn't really do much but mumble, and it just demonstrated such a total lack of understanding of who he was and who I am that I couldn't be bothered to waste the emotional energy. At the time I was losing every ounce I had to simply walk down the street.

Am utterly at those of who who have been advised to get a dog. Unbelievable.

FluffyDonkey · 04/03/2010 14:02

A close friend of mine committed suicide. I was in bits. When I mentionned to a colleague why I was so upset she asked how he had died. I said he had hung himself. She immediately said "Must have been something sexual". I said no, but she carried on insisting that it must have been sexual and a mistake (I knew it wasn't)

I simply walked out of the office.

MissM · 04/03/2010 14:51

That's appalling FluffyDonkey.

The other one I had was 'at least you got your chance to say your goodbyes' (my brother had cancer). No, I was on my way to see him when he died. I didn't expect him to die, even though I knew he was dying. I never said anything close to all I wished I'd said to him.

Gosh, you can tell I've got a lot to splurge! Good thread TW, very therapeutic.

cyteen · 04/03/2010 15:43

MissM, have you had this one from people? When you tell them your brother's died and they immediately say 'how awful, how are your parents?' I love that.

Emma04 · 04/03/2010 15:45

I've had my fair few of these kind of comments since losing my baby boy 5 1/2 years ago, but here are a couple that just popped into my head. Not in the same league as some of these but that upset me all the same.

The Christmas after we lost our son we had cards saying things like 'Have a wonderful Christmas!' How the hell could we have a wonderful Christmas? We didn't even 'do' Christmas that year. We couldn't have possibly celebrated on what should have been our son's first Christmas when he wasn't here to share it. The people who knew us best and had some sensitivity put things like 'Thinking of you this Christmas'

Another one, even get this now, is people who know what happened with our first little boy. Yet they refer to DS2 as being our 'first child' and DD as our second. Such as a conversation I had recently when asked about the birth of DS2. I said it was a quick and fairly easy birth. Reply was' Wow and your first one too' Aaarrrgghhhh

shelleylou · 04/03/2010 19:30

cyteen i've had that one too. TW i also hate 'the good die young' surely logically it should be the other way round.

I also hated the 'ooooooooooooh i miss xxxx so much he ment everything to me etc etc' as if i felt nothing at all about the killing of my brother

Kitstelsmum · 04/03/2010 19:50

A week after my sister died, I came back to to the office (it was a Monday) and my boss said: 'Did you have a lovely weekend'? I don't know how I didn't scream. We used to get on really well, but now I just get angry every time I look at him (and this was 8 months ago!)

Sarey1 · 04/03/2010 19:51

I can't blame this one on the person being nervous, they were just amazingly insensitive ... I was at a dull party full of my parents' friends and a stupid old g*t came up to me and said in a loud, ringing voice "Ah, are you the one whose sister died?"

I replied "yes, I'm the one that's not dead" and walked off to get another drink (or three).

She had died quite a few years before but it made no difference at that moment ...

Lutyens · 04/03/2010 20:16

My dad died suddenly at age 45. It was a huge shock to all of us as he was as fit as a horse and we had real trouble dealing with it.

One month after his death, I was with my mum in the car (she was driving), talking about dad, and she said "This is worse for me than for you. You will go on and have a family and find happiness. For me, it's all over, I've lost my soulmate". In hindsight I understand what she was trying to say, but in my 15-year-old angst-ridden state, I thought she was comparing our losses and being the one with the bigger grief. I turned round and said very bitterly "Actually, you might meet someone and get yourself another husband. I'm the one who has lost her dad and I will never have a dad again. My loss is irreplaceable."

She was so shocked her mouth actually hung open like in the cartoons, and she couldn't take her eyes off me...she was still driving and I honestly thought she was going to crash the car. I will never forget the hurt on her face

17 years on, and I haven't been able to forget that day. I can't believe I was so crashingly insensitive and such a complete bitch (there is no nice way of putting it). I'm very close to my mum, but I can't work up the courage to bring up that incident and tell her how sorry I am

thumbwitch · 04/03/2010 21:14

oh Lutyens, you poor love - your mum wasn't exactly blameless there either! If it's still giving you guilty feelings, why don't you send her a card to say you're sorry?

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