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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

985 replies

shabbapinkfrog · 12/01/2010 10:53

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

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NinaJane · 02/02/2010 12:52

crumpette - I am so sorry to hear about your little girl - it must have been a terrible shock for you - to have a healthy little girl the one one moment and losing her so shortly after.

I cannot tell you how much I regret not holding Sydney after she had died - just to say goodbye or even to have said yes when they asked if we want her life support switched off, because then she would have died in her mommy's arms and not on some cold steel contraption, connected to hundreds of wires and tubes, but at that time, I just wanted to run away. She is with me now though - her little remains are buried under a big old tree in my fern garden.

yeahinaminute · 02/02/2010 12:56

Thankyou x

shabbapinkfrog · 02/02/2010 13:00

Nina I am being nosey I know BUT are you from the UK originally or South Africa?

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NinaJane · 02/02/2010 13:11

Hi shabbapinkfrog - nope, I was born and bred in South Africa - have you ever been to SA (my turn to be nosey )?

shabbapinkfrog · 02/02/2010 13:14

Never been to South Africa. Lived in the USA for 6 months in 1980/81 and travelled a lot across Europe but never been to South Africa. Its very weird isin't it - you in SA and me here in rainy, cold Bolton, Lancashire - making friends and talking about our dear, dear children. Sometimes the internet is an amazing thing xxx

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NinaJane · 02/02/2010 13:22

Shabbapinkfrog, I have to do the whole mumsnet thing under cover, because my husband thinks that it is unhealthy, abnormal, weird etc. to talk to strangers on the Internet. I have to be quite creative at times to secure some time on here , but never mind.

shabbapinkfrog · 02/02/2010 13:25

You're secrets safe with me xxx

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lottiejenkins · 02/02/2010 15:45

I held Jack as he was dieing. My Mum and my husband were with me. I just wanted with all my heart to keep him alive. We had been told that he had had a brain haemorrage and that the kindest thing was to let him slip away.

crumpette · 02/02/2010 16:03

yeah, I have lit a candle for your Catriona today, you gave her a beautiful name and I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through

nina DP doesn't like me being on MN either I think he thinks it's an undercover dating website or something! It's funny, well not funny at all, but you say you regret not saying yes to them removing life support.. my biggest regret is saying yes, if I could turn back time I would say no. At least then I would have seen her die on her own,instead of being hurried in a way, and would have seen that I tried to do everything. As it is I can't help but feel tremendous regret that perhaps I failed her and could have said no and she may have pulled through. Logically I know this is virtually impossible but I cannot help but think that I failed her and gave up before she was ready

crumpette · 02/02/2010 16:06

I have never been to SA either but have to say I love love love the accent!

crumpette · 02/02/2010 16:09

lottie I remember it took a long time for L to die when I held her. I really thought it would be quick but her heart kept on going, which made me think oh god maybe she wouldn't have died. It's horrible isn't it, not something anyone should ever have to do or say yes or say no to. Just horrible x

NinaJane · 02/02/2010 16:19

crumpette - you can 'hear' my accent by just reading what I type????!! (sorry, I couldn't resist ).

crumpette · 02/02/2010 16:52

yes, yes I can

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 02/02/2010 17:02

I thought you were probably SA as well Nina, it's something about your turn of phrase I think. I have a SA friend so it sounded familiar to me

I'll be lighting a candle for Catriona here later tonight Yeah. I hope today is a peaceful one for you xxx

Maria Elena's story was a beautiful one. My dh's grandma lost a baby but no one in his family ever talked about it (we don't even know if it was a boy or girl ) DH's grandma passed away a few years ago and to his eternal regret he wishes he had talked to her about it.

peterpansmum · 02/02/2010 17:58

yeah am thinking of you today and wish you peace. Catriona is a beautiful name xx

Just as I was having a reasonably positive day earlier... I clearly spoke too soon.... my postie arrives with amongst other things an ELC personalised 'Gregor and the Beanstock' book for his (what should have been 3rd) birthday... My lovely friend called at lunchtime to see how i am today i promptly burst into tears on the phone and she then arrives on my doorstep, delivers a much-needed hug and takes away ELC info and calls them on my behalf and explains... They were lovely and so sorry and now want to help sell stuff for our fundraiser, bless them - just one of these things that under other circumstances would have been such a lovely gift. I've hid the book for now as i almost don't want to throw it out - is that crazy? Almost think at some point DS1 may want it once he can read... (Shabs is that straight-jacket handy?!!)

www.justgiving.com/walk-for-gregor

NinaJane · 02/02/2010 19:38

Hi peterpansmum, I am so sorry that you had to experience that .

When my husband and I arrived home from the hospital, on the day that Sydney died, we were greeted outside our gate by one of my husband's business associates - he had in his hands a big pink 'It's a girl!' balloon, a huge bunch of flowers and a huge grin on his face - I'll never forget his face when we told him that she had died less than an hour before - shame.

You must never throw the book away - just put it somewhere where you don't have to see it. One day when you have the strength you can look at it again.

I have a bag with all Sydney's bottles, dummies, all the 'Congratulations: It's a girl!' cards, all the condolences cards, her clinic card, the last baby-grow and vest she wore etc. and I haul it out every now and again just to smell her (12 years on and you think that you qualify for a straight-jacket!)

chegirlsgotheartburn · 02/02/2010 20:07

I cant think of the right things to say to you all. I am just so very sorry x

Our lovely, lovely children .

shabbapinkfrog · 02/02/2010 20:13

You just took the words right out of my mouth Che xxxx

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GetOnYourDancingShoes · 02/02/2010 20:18

I've been lurking a while, wondering if I should post, or not. I've finally summoned my courage, so here goes.

I am never sure how I should answer when people ask how many children I have. I have lost two sons, one at 19 weeks gestation and one when he was 16. I feel I want to acknowledge all my 6 children, but hate explaining why I have 'only' 4, IYSWIM. I hate the embarrassment it causes, the fleeting look of pity etc. How do I answer?

It is especially hard as my son took his own life. Although it was six years ago, the horror for me is as fresh as ever. He died alone, in the dark, and I am as freaked out now as I was when it happened but I feel that people either expect me to have dealt with it by now or avoid the whole subject as it is too painful for everyone concerned.

Sorry, I'm having one of 'those' moments.

chegirlsgotheartburn · 02/02/2010 20:47

Get we are all different in how we handle 'that' question.

I just come out with it. DD was 14 when she died. I just cannot leave her out when I am asked (and I have been asked a LOT because I have been pregnant twice in the last two years).

But many of my friends cannot bear the looks and the foot shuffling that goes with the answer.

I say 'I have 3 boys and I had a girl but she died 3 years ago'.

Its true and if people are bothered by it, that their problem not mine.

But of course you have to be prepared for some people wanting to know more and that can be incredibly difficult. I suppose it helps to have a plan of what you will say.

Sorry you are having one of 'those' moments. I know what they feel like and I hope it passes soon.

How on earth can you 'deal' with your dreadful losses? Why on earth would anyone expect you to? On this thread we wouldnt x

shabbapinkfrog · 02/02/2010 21:01

Get so glad you posted. I am now at the stage where I almost always reply 'I have had four sons.' Sometimes I explain, sometimes I dont. So very sorry to hear of your losses - no death so sad as that of a child.

Nobody will judge you here and there is nothing, at all, that you cannot say....nobody will think bad about you because we have all thought the same thoughts at different stages in our grief.

we are very sadly growing in numbers - I wish, with all my heart, this thread did not have to exist.

United we stand girls...divided??? Well that doesn't bear thinking about xxx

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Northernlurker · 02/02/2010 21:02

Just looking in ladies to check Nina has found you ok - I posted on her thread yesterday and I knew it was you folks that she needed. You do good work - carry on taking care of one another

NinaJane · 02/02/2010 21:03

Oh GetOnYourDancingShoes I am so sorry for your double loss . No person should ever have to go through what you have gone through...what you are, no doubt, still going through.

You are absolutely entitled to have one of 'those' moments, many of them in fact.

In regard to your question - I can only speak of my own experience - because my family and friends don't talk about my daughter who died, I find that I end up telling total strangers about her - from the girl at the check-out counter to the bin man, in fact, anyone who is willing to listen.

Whenever I am asked how many children I have, I always say 4 - if I then get asked how old they are, I say that my first child would have been 12 this year, but she died - I then tell them the ages of my 3 living children. Some people will enquire about the details of her death - the first question always being how old she was when she died - that irks me a bit, because I sometimes get the impression that when I say she died at 10 days, that they think 'oh OK, that's not so bad'. Others will not respond at all.

There is no right or wrong way to answer - personally I feel that I have a right to say that I have 4 children, because I did have 4 children - just because 1 of them is not around anymore, does not mean that she did not exist - but I sometimes shoot myself in the foot with that attitude, because I end up having to share very personal information with virtual strangers, because I basically volunteered the information first.

I don't know if I am making sense here .

PS: Your son may have physically died alone, but he died knowing that you loved him...your love was there with him - he was not alone.

shabbapinkfrog · 02/02/2010 21:03

Thanks Northern - you were right to point her here - and thanks for the compliment - we are all just walking this 'crappy path' the best way we can xx

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GetOnYourDancingShoes · 02/02/2010 21:10

The hardest bit comes when they ask how my son died.

He died from ahead injury sustained in a cliff fall. The fall was a deliberate action on his part. Probably.

I feel enough of a failure as his mother without the horrified looks I get when the implications 'dawn', as it were. It is quite amazing how many expressions can hover, albeit fleetingly, over one person's face. I sometimes wonder if I should spare them the upset of their own reactions IYSWIM.