my lovely mum died suddenly yesterday.....

[chimchar]

...and i just can't deal with it...i'm numb..she had been unwell over the weekend. dad called the gp yesterday afternoon and 2 hours later, she was gone. i didn't get to say goodbye....

i hurt all over. i don't have brothers or sisters, so its just me and my dad. my mum was my best friend...i don't want to be without her....she was only 64. she was the most adoring grandma to my kids...

i just can't cope with this....its so wrong..

please help me...

I'm so sorry

oh chimchar i am so sorry for your loss , huge hugs to you & your dad ,

tnks everyone...i came on this morning and thought you'd all gone! glad to see you're still here...you're becoming my little security blanket!

dh is working today.to be fair, he's been off since wed looking after me...managed to fob off 2 out of the 3 kids. have not managed to do anything at all productive today...i just don't have the get up and go to do it....

was feeling really low this morning, but am feeling a bit better now. dad had gone out for dinner to my uncles house..i'm really pleased he accepted the invitation...he's doing well i think....i hope.

i could go on and on, but won't.

havce a busy day planned tomorrow, all to do with the funeral...i'm really worrying about it...its going to be the worst day of my life without doubt.

Chimchar - I too thought that 9th June was going to be the worst day of my life, but I did get through it, and you will too. A sort of inner toughness and maybe denial takes over ; I just didn't make eye contact with anyone and spent a lot of time focusing on a detail in the distance. Only when my 7 year old dropped her prayer on Grandma's coffin at the actual burial did tears start to come but I held it back till I was on my own because I was so afraid that if I did start, I would fall apart completely. You will get through it, I promise you.................

Chimchar, hugs to you.
I buried my wonderful mother 4 weeks ago tomorrow and of course like you was dreading it. However, as Sal says, you will find an inner toughness. I was reading a poem at the funeral mass that my mum had written 50 years ago when her and dad's first son died age 3 and then a second poem at the burial. I don't know how I held it together but I did. I think I viewed it as the very last thing I could do for mum and wanted to do her poem justice. The final poem was beautiful, all about her baby boy and how she asked him to wait for her at the gates of heaven and she'd be with him again then. I have a baby boy of 5 months and kept crying every time I tried reading it but on the day I held it together until the end of the service when I finally allowed myself to cry.

Tomorrow will be a difficult day for you and the next few weeks will be tough but you will get through it x

more thanks girls...

so sorry to you sal and to mumoverseas...

the funeral is on friday...on one hand i'm dreading it and hope it is a long week, on the other hand, it can't come and be done quick enough...

things are becoming more complicated...it is becoming more apparent that my mum had something which should have been diagnosed when she was seen TWICE the day before she died...all this may have been needless.its adding another dimension of nasty anger to my grief. i can't say anymore about it...

i feel like i have shut myself down in self preservation, and no tears are falling now....i'm worried its all locked away inside...i'm so afraid of crying in front of anyone...

i'm doing that thing of seeing people and comforting THEM instead of the other way around...i'm getting annoyed at myself...

fuck. FUCK.

its so hard....i'm feeling a bit dead inside myself.

oh sweetie its so normal to feel like that.
I felt very angry when my mum died as she'd been ill for a while and was in and out of hospital the few months before her death. I live 3,000 miles away and hadn't seen her since December as I had my baby boy in February and wasn't able to fly until nearly 7 weeks afterwards, by which time she was out of hospital and told me not to worry coming home sooner than I'd planned (early June) Sadly, she died 2 weeks before I was due home so I'm gutted she didn't see my baby boy.
I'd felt 'reassured' as I was told by the nursing staff at the hospital that they'd set up a care package and she would be having twice daily visits. However, shortly after her death I discovered that this hadn't been happening and that they'd sent her home from hospital with a new type of insulin (insulin dependant diabetic and all her hospital admissions were due to this) and she didn't understand how and when to administer the new insulin. I wanted to find blame as kept thinking if it wasn't for the apparent neglect of the hospital she would still be here but I realised I couldn't go down that route as it would be too self-destructive. We just can't keep saying 'what if'.

It will be so hard on the day of the funeral but you will get through it and you will make your mum proud. Don't feel afraid of crying if you need to. I held it together for most of the day of the funeral but at random times it hits me. Several times I've wanted to pick up the phone and tell mum about my baby boy rolling and his first teeth coming through

I will be thinking of you on Friday and will say a prayer for you. x

thanks so much mumover.....

its awful that you know through experience, but it really is helping me.

this time last week i was reeling from my mums death just about an hour or so ago....i've survived this week... its still so raw, but i feel kike there has been nothing else for months....

blimey.......