Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

my lovely mum died suddenly yesterday.....

84 replies

chimchar · 08/07/2009 18:48

...and i just can't deal with it...i'm numb..she had been unwell over the weekend. dad called the gp yesterday afternoon and 2 hours later, she was gone. i didn't get to say goodbye....

i hurt all over. i don't have brothers or sisters, so its just me and my dad. my mum was my best friend...i don't want to be without her....she was only 64. she was the most adoring grandma to my kids...

i just can't cope with this....its so wrong..

please help me...

OP posts:
DrNortherner · 09/07/2009 19:18

Oh Chimchar I am so so sorry about your Mum

I know only too well the pain you are feeling, My lovely dad died in April, and I too am an only child.

I'm afraid you are at the start of a painful journey, so be good to yourself, don't expect too much, lean on your dh and your friends as you will need to support your dad.

If I can help by answeing any questions about practical things (funeral questions etc) I will be happy to help as sadly I organised my dads just a few months ago.

When you feel up to it I can reccomend a good few books to read on bereavement and specificall losing a parent.

I am sending you strength.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 09/07/2009 19:39

One day at a time is all you can do at the moment

forehead · 09/07/2009 19:46

So so sorry chimchar. Don't try to be brave , let everything out. I feel so sad for you.

ilovesprouts · 09/07/2009 19:50

so sorry for your loss thinking of you xx

KerryMumbles · 09/07/2009 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chimchar · 09/07/2009 20:28

oh girls. you've made me cry again with your wonderfully supportive messages...

there is so much that has happenned today....the funeral is to be next friday.

the pm results suggest natural causes..there is to be an inquest. there is more to tell but i just can't at the moment.

have spent the day again with my dad. he's being very strong, but clearly worn....

can i admit something? i'm upset at how little my kids are bothered..they adored and loved my mum, and she lived for them, and yet they are just accepting and carrying on...i feel like they are being disloyal to my mum iykwim? its silly i know..i'm pleased that they are ok, but oh, i dunno...does that make sense. to be fair to them they are only 8, 5 and 2....i know i'm being unreasonable, lol.

its too harsh a reminder that life goes on....

OP posts:
Kitsilano · 09/07/2009 20:32

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be a terrible shock. Thinking of you

Lifesabitch · 09/07/2009 20:40

So sorry for your loss...my lovely Mum passed away last week...I'm still going through it and I don't feel like I've started grieving yet I'm staying strong for my Dad and am on auto pilot. I have cried but it's not sinking in so I just wanted to say too that you just cope in whatever way you can...my DH has been sooo supportive and as someone said earlier...my DS has kept me going with lots of hugs 'to make me smile'!
It is the start of a very long journey but try not to make any demands on yourself...be kind to yourself

DrNortherner · 09/07/2009 20:44

FWIW my ds who is 7 reacted similarly and my dad and him adored each other. Kids are so resiliant and live in the moment, but don't think it has not affected them. When you are up to it get a few kids books about death and losing a loved one. They might not be saying much/asking questions because you are so upset.

aristocat · 09/07/2009 20:52

chimchar
perhaps your DCs dont realise they will never see her again.
its alot for the LOs to take in.

when i lost my parents i felt so jealous of my DH because he had got both of his and also his nan too.
he was my strength and i hated that he had his family...it felt so unfair.

i imagine your dad is trying to be brave but you will prob need to be there for him too - as hard as it might be.

sending you hugs for friday.

ByTheSea · 09/07/2009 20:55

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Yurtgirl · 09/07/2009 20:56

for you Chimchar

RumourOfAHurricane · 09/07/2009 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

missworried · 09/07/2009 21:19

Look after yourself. I think that tous DCs reaction is completely normal for their age and does not reflect the love they have for your mum.

missworried · 09/07/2009 21:20

I meant your DCs reaction

Alittlebitrestless · 09/07/2009 21:21

I am so sorry, chimchar and all the other people who have lost parents. Reading your message reminded me how physically painful grief is. That was a shock to me when I lost my mum. You will get through this because you have to. Sometimes when things are really hard, it is enough to get through the next hour and not think too far ahead. Please keep posting if it helps. There are so many people who understand how it feels and may be able to offer some comfort.

Oh, and I know it seems impossible but try and eat a little bit or keep on drinking the milky drinks. It will help a bit

GIvePeasAChance- thinking of you too.

MyDHhasnomemory · 09/07/2009 23:32

So sorry chimchar.

Like others have said your DCs reactions are normal. I remember the writer of that series This Life (amy jenkins) saying that she was told her mum had died and then asked for a Kitkat - just an illustration of how children deal with this kind of news.

Also thinking of GivePeasAChance.

Original poster
chimchar · 10/07/2009 11:25

have had a really shit morning...

we are right in the middle of building an extension...my mum was so excited. there are builders all over my house, scaffold at every window and no where for me tio hide.

there is an inquest opening today about my mum...its too hard to consider what will be said, but my dad wanted to go...i have sent my dh with him.

i've arranged to go to my friends house this afo...i was feeling ok when i said i'd go, but feel like chickening out now.....i will go...she's a good friend who lost her dad when she was a child, and sadly her dh lost his mum about 10 years ago,...so they know how it feels...

again, whilst i know this post is all about me, and very selfishly so, can i offer my heartfelt sympathies to all of you who have been where i am and those who have to face the awful fact that it is coming to them...

i appreciate all of your kind words, they really are a great help. x

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 10/07/2009 11:30

chmchar - when my granny died I was 12. I was in the house when she died, I heard her dying, I was there with my mum right after the event. I cried with shock and because my mum was crying, but not because I was sad. I loved my gran and she had always been a big part of my life, but I didn't cry for her for ages. Had a sob at the funeral but that was all. Until about 6m later when we went to plant a tree on her grave, and then I couldn't stop.

ThingOne · 10/07/2009 11:46

I am so sorry for your loss chimchar.

ScummyMummy · 10/07/2009 11:49

I'm so sorry.

motherof2boys · 10/07/2009 11:53

Chimchar and all touched by this topic -

No one ever knows how you feel.

I lost my lovely Mam horribly 6 years ago and then my Dad suddenly 2 years ago. I am an only child and very practical and strong, but when my little one went to school last September I really lost it - I felt that there was a huge icy patch that would take over my life. I couldn't face anyone and used to hate going to the school for pick ups. Grief will out. Don't suppress it.

We are Christians and faith and knowledge of the resurrection does help a lot. I was fortunate enough to have bereavement counselling through a local Christian charity which is free and which I am still having. Our baby died at 19 weeks at the end of March. No medical answers. Have been wrestling with God. But there is an answer - it is just that it is outside our time. It's hard not too be in control but death reminds us we are not. I think that in former times death was commonplace and now it feels remote, something 'unlucky'.

When I was at my lowest MN helped me - I couldn't even tell DH how I felt. I am incredibly grateful for that.

Children react differently and have different timescales. It sounds as though you are a loving family. I have heard euphemisms like 'gone to sleep' 'gone away' are not helpful. What is school doing? Don't be sad at the way your children react. Don't be angry with them.

If you feel you can then do seek some bereavement counselling. I didn't feel it would be my thing but it helps enormously.

And I am terribly sorry for your loss.

lol

edam · 10/07/2009 11:56

Oh chimchar, I'm so very sorry. Be kind to yourself and don't try to force yourself to do or feel anything just because you 'should' IYKWIM. This is a time to go with your own heart and put yourself (and your Dad) first.

My FIL died very suddenly - doesn't compare to losing your Mum but it does take a lot of time to come to terms with the shock.

Original poster
chimchar · 11/07/2009 10:28

again, thanks to you all, and more thoughts to those of you who have felt this huge pain.

have just been looking at readings for mums funeral....have had a good cry just reading them! will pass a few onto my dad to see if he likes them. i am not at all religious, but believe in spirits iykwim...i don't want anything to "godly" but my dad does believe in god, so we need to find a comprimise. i recon whilst not overly religious, my mum was the same as me, but would probably hedge her bets, just in case!

i sopke to my cousin last night...i was really wierd..on a bit of an excited high. i can't really explain...not myself, anyway!..i rabbited on and she remarked how i sounded like i was talking about someone else, not my own mum...i'm now worried about appearing like i'm not hurting...blimey...its such a rollercoaster...this morning, i can't focus and my words are all jumbled agian.

thanks for being here everyone. it really is a huge relief to be able to write openly without fear of upsetting anyone with saying the wrong thing.

OP posts:
Claire2301 · 12/07/2009 16:28

Hi Chimchar,

Firstly I am so, so sorry to hear about your Mum. I hope you and your Dad will be able to help each other through the weeks and months to come.

My Nana died very suddenly in January, was ill for two days, on te third day Grandad called the doctor, then ambulance but within two hours she had gone. My Mum is an only child too so I know how hard this will be for you. We are lucky that my Grandad is very able and is doing well.

If there is anything we can do....

This is the poem I read at the funeral.

Poem

Only a very short one as I read a tribute too.

Take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself.

Swipe left for the next trending thread