He’s moving on

[SorryDidThatHurt]

I know I am being unreasonable but need a hand hold please.
My beloved sister died 14 months ago. We shared a flat up until her death and were very close. She was only 31 and had her whole life ahead of her. She was diagnosed with cancer at 27 and fought so hard and so bravely.
Her Partner G was so caring through this time. He was with her through surgery and chemo and radiotherapy. They hadn’t been together long when she was diagnosed but he stuck by her through it all and looked after her so well. After she died G and I were devastated and got through it together. We met up for dinner once a week and would chat a few times a week. I have no interest in him romantically - he was my sister’s partner - but I value him so much.
He came to my flat last night and told me that he has met someone and although only had one date he is seeing her again. He said he’s lonely and so tired of being sad that he wants to try and find happiness again. I am devastated. He is my last link to my sister. I don’t want him to be on his own forever but how could he have loved her and want to date someone else? I know he found it hard to tell me and he was in tears, but I feel he is betraying her memory by moving on so quickly. Please gently talk some sense into me.

My friend lost her husband and her three boys dad, after a year she decided that she wanted to date. Not for anything serious but tentatively, however what she didn't expect was to fall in love. People have their own timeline for grief. Sorry for your loss.

Oh Op I am sorry
however he had not been with your sister long (how long?); he didn’t live with her; and it’s been 14 months. Be pleased for him. He sounds lovely.

How did you leave it with him @SorryDidThatHurt ?

He was there when your sister needed him. That’s the important thing

historically society would see a years grieving as about right - 2 years for a husband / wife.

your sister is linked to you via your very DNA.

hugs this is hard for you

I’m so sorry you lost your sister. I think you are being (understandably) a little selfish. Time does not stand still and he is doing what is best for him. You value him for you. Value him for him. Do you have a boyfriend?

I don’t want him to be on his own forever but how could he have loved her and want to date someone else?

It sounds as though his relationship with your DS was a young one - and yet he did everything right and stood by her to the end.

This is a decent man- do not begrudge him his chance of happiness. Life moves on - that is how it should be.

I am sorry for your loss and understand your grief, but you and G must grieve to your own timeline.

Try to be happy for him. 14 months is long enough to grieve properly and move on. You will never have another sister but it's right that he has another partner.

My mum and dad were together nearly 27 years and she died 3 weeks before their silver wedding in 1998, aged 45. I was 22 and had been married 13 days.

Less than 2 years after she died he had met my now step mum and by the 3rd anniversary of mum’s death they were engaged and married within a year.

it was so hard, but I was also delighted. My dad was also 45 when mum died, and he needed to find someone - to feed him properly if nothing else!! Next summer will be their Silver Wedding Anniversary.

My mum isn’t coming back but I still wept like a baby in the hotel toilets in my dad’s sister’s arms 35 minutes before Dad & Stepmum were due to get married.

This man hasn’t done anything wrong and it is understandable for you to feel this way. Keep in touch with him and after a few more dates, ask if you can meet her. You never know, you might become great friends. Just don’t spend all your time talking about your sister and her relationship with this man.

They were together for 5 years but never lived together as he was moving around for work and as she was ill she stayed with me. He is lovely and I want him to be happy and I know I’m being selfish here

Drop him a message and apologise for last night and say you’d love to take him out for a coffee and a chat.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like this is a young man who has been through a very tough time. He was there for your sister until the end, despite only having been together for a short time before her diagnosis. And it sounds like he has been a good friend to you since your sister passed away.

But - very gently - your sister is sadly not here any more and he does not want to be alone forever. He hasn't rushed in to a new relationship quickly - it has been more than a year. I am not sure if there would ever be a time that would feel right to you?

He has been brave to tell you so soon, and he is trying to be open and honest about it. Wanting to date doesn’t mean that he is disrespecting the memory of your sister or that he has forgotten about her. It simply means that he recognises that he has to carry on his life without her and he doesn't want to be unhappy forever.

Try to support him and be happy for him.

G being ready to love someone else does in no way diminish the love and care that he gave your dear sister. I do not know anything about your sister but it’s quite possible that she would think that 14 months was a respectable time to grieve and she would not want him to be sad. She would probably be glad for him.

I wonder if the reality is that you feel you are losing your sister all over again because G was a link to her? You worried that if and, surely, when he falls in love with someone else, he will no longer wish to be involved in a friendship with you.You cannot hold him. Wish him well.

Being crudely practical, the only way you can maintain a lasting friendship with G, is to encourage him and show him that you are glad for him and that you want him to be happy. The alternative is that he cuts his tie with you, as well, because he feels your sadness and disapproval.

I’m so sorry for your loss. But I’m happy for you that you had such a loving relationship with a dear sister. Her death and G’s new relationship does not lessen that in anyway.

I was widowed and after 14 months, I met my current partner, who is lovely, not through a dating app but through a hobby. Every one I told was absolutely over the moon for me - I regularly saw spontaneous huge smiles from my friends when I told them and it made such a difference to me. It was the relief that I could move on and find happiness again, validated by all the lovely people I knew. My SIL was so positive about it (it was her brother who died and who I was married to). We’re very close still and that will never change.

He sounds like a lovely man. He didn’t need to tell you but he did. Please be pleased for him.

If you read one post @SorryDidThatHurt , read this

How awful for you OP, losing your DS when she was so young. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Her partner, G, was a wonderful man. Even though they hadn't been together long, he stayed and supported her through the illness, the treatment and, ultimately, her death. He's grieved for 14 months, but was likely grieving before she died. I'm guessing he's not that old himself. Someone with such a lovely character deserves happiness in their life again. It doesn't mean he will forget your sister. He deserves to have and to give love, maybe have a family one day. Try to be happy for him, and thankful for all he gave to your dear sister. Have you had any grief counselling since your loss? It might help to talk to a bereavement service about your feelings, to help come to terms with them.

I don’t think you are being selfish, absolutely not. You know that you are being a little unreasonable - but please be kind to yourself. You are still grieving and this is another transition that takes you further from the moment of loss of your beloved sister. When you lose someone so close, and so tragically young, other people will move on in a way that you cannot. The reminders of that will be so hard and you have to give yourself some grace to deal with your emotions, rather than blame yourself. I hope you have lots of support.

This is so true. He was there for you sister until the very end. He can't do anything more for her. He can still be your friend.

I am so sorry for your loss @SorryDidThatHurt.
Although this must be impossibly difficult for you, you must find a way to let him go and be happy that he is able to move on with his life. You’ve said he is lovely. You want him to be happy. He will be, and wherever your sister is, she would want him to be happy too. His moving on is another stage of your grief that you have to get through.
He sounds like an absolutely amazing person to have stuck by your sister through her illness, and to have helped you in your grief (I’m sure you helped him too). It would be awful if he was unable to move on. I’m sure you wouldn’t want that for anyone, but especially not this lovely man.
💐

It is very difficult.

Sadly many people who lose children often end up splitting up because they grieve in different ways / on separate timelines.

Your sister had a wonderful partner and has an amazing sister who still feels for her even after she is gone.

Don’t be too hard on yourself - you are just trying to protect your sister’s memory. Eventually the emotional part of your brain will catch up with the logical side on this. Just give yourself some time.

"but I feel he is betraying her memory by moving on so quickly"

You have known your sister for a lifetime, the whole of your life of shared childhood and adult memories@SorryDidThatHurt, so many more years of connection than he had.

Really, we don't move on from a loss; we move forward with it.

He can simultaneously hold immense love and remembrance for your sister while choosing to live his life, he just feels it's time for himself and his future now.

Choosing to experience happiness or seek new beginnings does not erase the value of those months/years he spent loving and supporting your sister.

Just want to suggest the Compassionate friends site for extra support, for you.🌸

I’m sorry about your sister; it’s a devastating loss. But, and I mean this as kindly as possible: this isn’t about you.

He is a young man. You can’t expect him to put his life into stasis. Of course he loved your sister. He probably still loves her and probably always will. But your sister is no longer here and he can’t spend the rest of his life in a relationship with her memory. It’s been more than a year and it is OK for him to want to find someone to share his life with.

Of course it’s going to be hard for you to see this happen, but you need to accept that he is doing nothing wrong and that your feelings can’t be allowed to stop him from rebuilding his life.

My bf died aged 55 after a short battle with cancer. She had been with her dh 25 years, married for 20.

He was on dating apps within 3 months of her death and proudly showing scantily clad pics of his new girlfriend to my appalled dh. That, in my eyes, was beyond disrespectful and I now have no contact with him despite being in a close 4 friendship with him, my bf and dh for the 25 years they were together right up til my bf's passing.

Had he waited like your sister's partner has, and been a little more discreet i would have felt very differently about him. I have no doubt he loved her and was in bits at her passing, but I was so shocked at how quickly he moved on. 14 months is respectful, 3 isn't. Hope that gives a little perspective.

But for the 25 years he was your friend’s husband - what was he like?

We didn’t leave things on bad terms but he could see how upset I was. I’ll call him at the start of the week and clear the air.

I’m so Sorry for your loss op.
He can still be a link to your sister, he can still be in your life. But remember she was your sister for years and years without him.
He sounds like he deserves to be happy and he’s done a very hard and honourable thing by sharing it with you early on x