He’s moving on

[SorryDidThatHurt]

I know I am being unreasonable but need a hand hold please.
My beloved sister died 14 months ago. We shared a flat up until her death and were very close. She was only 31 and had her whole life ahead of her. She was diagnosed with cancer at 27 and fought so hard and so bravely.
Her Partner G was so caring through this time. He was with her through surgery and chemo and radiotherapy. They hadn’t been together long when she was diagnosed but he stuck by her through it all and looked after her so well. After she died G and I were devastated and got through it together. We met up for dinner once a week and would chat a few times a week. I have no interest in him romantically - he was my sister’s partner - but I value him so much.
He came to my flat last night and told me that he has met someone and although only had one date he is seeing her again. He said he’s lonely and so tired of being sad that he wants to try and find happiness again. I am devastated. He is my last link to my sister. I don’t want him to be on his own forever but how could he have loved her and want to date someone else? I know he found it hard to tell me and he was in tears, but I feel he is betraying her memory by moving on so quickly. Please gently talk some sense into me.

He will understand @SorryDidThatHurt how difficult this is for you. It sounds like you want the best for him. I'm so sorry you lost your sister and that it hurts so much. I think the two of you will be able to work through this with time. It sounds like you both care about each other x

Don’t wait. Get it off your mind. And his.

My brother was killed in a car accident in his 30’s and he was married with a tiny baby. We were all very close to his wife. Within about 2 years she told us that she’d met a man who was also widowed with 2 small children and that she wanted to get married.
We were all delighted for her. Of course the whole situation is hugely painful, but my brother is no longer here, and she is entitled to remarry and build her life again.
By being loving and accepting of her decision, we gained a whole new set of cousins for our children, and they went on to have another child together. They refer to my brother as “Daddy (his name)” and refer to their step father as Daddy. His memory is kept alive through photos and stories and it’s a wonderful, blended and special family dynamic. So try to understand the side of the bereaved, put your personal grief in its own space and embrace their choice, because it’s a terrible situation to be in.

Thank you everyone. My sister and I were very close. There was only 18 months between us and our parents were terrible. They were so wrapped up in each other they had no time for us so we were all we had.
G was great. When she was diagnosed she gave him the option to walk away but he refused. He put his career on hold and took locum jobs to be closer to home and was so caring. She died in his arms and she couldn’t have had a better partner
I think I just had to get it out of my head. I’ll call him tonight and give him my blessing (as that’s what he wanted) and be happy for him.

He has done nothing wrong OP, he stuck with your sister until the end.

I think this sort of time frame is very common especially for men, after loss.

you are linked to your sister yourself, you don’t need him to feel connected to her.

Just to update I called G and we cleared the air. He told me he will always love my sister and be grateful for the time they had together. I have booked some grief counselling tonight and said yes to a man who asked me out a few weeks ago. Maybe time for me to start living again too

All of that is brilliant. Well done, OP.

Wow! The power of Mumsnet!!

You sound so loving, and so does G. I really wish you so much happiness after your terrible loss 💐

Pleased you called him OP. OF course it’s really hard, and I understand the link you feel. If your sis was still her, they would still be together.

Sadly he is ready to move on and you might find there will be less contact going forward, particularly if he develops a new relationship.

so sorry for your loss

He’s still lovely, he still loved her. He was still there for her. That hasn’t changed. He deserves to be happy. I know it’s hard. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending huge hugs.

This is lovely! 💛💛💛

Thank you everyone. I think writing it all down let me realise how unreasonable I was being to G. I expect as he dates again our connection will fade which I will be sad about but maybe it’s time. I did a lot of soul searching yesterday and thank you to everyone who replied. Grief is an awful thing

Sadly this is a trauma attachment and it sounds complicated. The therapy will really help. Glad you will be letting go and starting to move on yourself.

So sorry for your loss . You and G were there for and loved your sister . Grief , especially when someone dies young , is so hard . There is no particular time frame . Your sister will always be in your heart .

I think we can get stuck in a particular cycle of grief and I witnessed this first hand with a relative , who never really moved on after the death of a relatively young spouse . Life as you know is so precious . We have to try and live our lives . So G is trying to do this and he won’t have forgotten your sister or her memory .

I am glad you are able to access some counselling for you .

I am so sorry for your loss. However as you know deep down, it is healthiest and best for him to try to find love and be happy again.

That doesn’t change the love he had for your sister or the fact that you share a special bond. It is better that he tries to find happiness than that he is consumed by grief and potentially ends up suicidal.

And of course, your sister stays with you in your own memories. Those are not dependent on him.

Sending much love xx

Ah that is good news. All the best to you.

I'm so sorry about your sister, your love for her comes through your words.

You are understandably upset that her partner is (also understandably) carrying on with his life. It is hard to be confronted with.

You have shown real courage and respect for him in following up on his visit and clearing the air.

I wish you all the very best in carrying on with your own life and with your future.

Well done. The fact that he wanted to sit you down and tell you indicates that he really did understand how you might feel. I am glad you have cleared the air and hope you can both move forward from this now. It cannot have been an easy thing to do but you can reassure yourself that it was the right thing.

AHH. Sounds he is a lovely man and isn't it lovely he kept in touch.

Small steps but maybe time for you to start trying to live the life that your sister didnt have the chance to.