Going back to work after partners death.

[Barney16]

My partner died unexpectedly three months ago. It has been and continues to be the worst experience of my life. Unfortunately because of money I have to go back to work in a week or two. I'm not sure I'm going to manage but haven't got a choice. I have been really clear that I need a long phased return but I'm struggling to work out what that would look like. I'm waiting to speak to occupational health but know from experience that they will go with whatever I suggest. Before my partner died I was working ft with two days in the office, three days at home. So my question is if you returned to work after being bereaved how did it work and was there anything particularly helpful to you that I can ask for. Thank you for any suggestions.

Why don’t you resume the portion you find least onerous? So wfh only for 2-4 weeks and then see how you feel about adding in office days. And take it gradually. Better to do it slowly and do it once.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It might be an idea to check your company policies before you have your Occ Health appointment. Some companies specify a maximum length of a phased return, for us it’s 4 weeks. By the end you have to be back at your contracted hours or submit a flexible working request if you want a permanent change/reduced hours. If it’s not specified that could mean you could suggest a longer plan.
The working pattern depends on whether you think you’d benefit from being around people more or wfh. The first day wfh to clear emails is usually a good idea. Starting with some half days then working up to full days can also be helpful, maybe with a blend of home and office working.
Make sure you build in regular check-ins as you don’t know how you’ll feel and grief always creeps up when you least expect it. Hopefully your employer is flexible. Also check you’re ready. 3 months isn’t long, could you extend it by using annual leave?
Best of luck.

I lost my daughter and was allowed a 6 week phased return started wfh 2 weeks then wk 2-4 2 days in office rest from home and final 2 weeks was back to usual routine. I personally needed routine so this helped as being at home didn’t work well for me with my mental health. I was also allowed time off for couselling for 10 weeks xx hope you sort this out xxx remember small steps

Not the same situation at all but I had a phased return after breast cancer. First four weeks I did shorter days so going in after the rush hour and leaving early. First week was two days, second three then four then five. Fifth week I did three full days then four then back to full time week after that. Would something like that help you? Even wfh you might find the shorter days easier for a while.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. My husband died quite unexpectedly too. I went back to work almost immediately as I found staying at home on my own, without my usual routine was far, far worse. It was better for me, but everyone is different of course.

I am so very sorry for your loss xxx

Different situation but we had a neonatal loss of our pre term babies. I had 3 months off and a 4 week phased return which worked for me. 2 other things that worked is about a week before I started back I went in for a coffee with my colleagues over lunch and I think that made it easier to go in on day 1. I also wrote a letter about what had happened and what I did and didn't feel comfortable talking about (was a very small team) think that made it a bit less awkward. Might not work for you but just some ideas.

Sorry for your loss. It all depends on you individually which I know isn’t the most helpful advice but you can only go off how you feel. I know it’s in no way comparable but I had a phased return after a pretty nasty miscarriage and it was 3 weeks, for me I did half days for a week and a half, then 3/4 days the week and a half after and then back to full time from there and that worked for me. My aunt lost her husband to cancer a year ago, he passed on the first of her 2 days off that week, and she only managed to take off what would have been her first day back in because she just couldn’t function if she wasn’t trying to do her ‘normal’. When you talk to occupational health can you maybe ask them to keep your first shift back as it normally is so you can see how you manage and feel, then you can make a clear decision that day as to what you’ll need if things aren’t okay?

We would usually allow a 4 week phased return but would try yo work with the member of staff. Maybe try a longer WFH period of time and introduce returning to the office a little later.
The thought of retuning is often worse than actually returning. Hopefully you will have good supportive colleagues too. Also a few office tears are expected and not frowned upon. We are all only human after all x

Hi, my husband died earlier this year after a short aggressive illness. It was a terrible shock and it's been very hard. I also returned to work 3 months after his death on a phased basis. I recently decided to continue part time (did the sums etc) so I could have time to process, grieve and also sort out my house & travel to be with my family.
Be kind to yourself, acknowledge that you won't be 100% for a while. I found it exhausting but also helpful as a distraction and not to be alone. Good luck.

We would usually allow a 4 week phased return but would try yo work with the member of staff. Maybe try a longer WFH period of time and introduce returning to the office a little later.
The thought of retuning is often worse than actually returning. Hopefully you will have good supportive colleagues too. Also a few office tears are expected and not frowned upon. We are all only human after all x

Thank you everyone. In some ways the routine of work may be useful. I do like work, well I did before my partner died. I think I'm going to ask for between 4 and 6 weeks and see how I go. If I didn't need the money I wouldn't go back at all. Somehow, because my life has changed so much I can't imagine doing the things I did before he died. That includes going up work 😞

Thank you. You are v kind.

Thank you for posting. I have five weeks annual leave that I need to use before the end of March so could use some of that. I'm definitely going to use it to make some short weeks.

I am so sorry you lost your partner. That must be devastating.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a month off before my husband died and then 2 months off after. Expected death but still very hard. He was only 50. I went back to work the day my son started his higher exams as I reckoned if he could do it I could. I was a GP so very public facing and some people didn't hold back in the "you've been off a long time" or " I've been trying for an appointment for weeks...have you been on holiday?"

It was hard but I got back to my full hours over about 6 weeks.

My worst moment came 6 months later when I patient screamed at me because I asked her to finish her phonecall that she was having in the waiting room and on the walk to my room. I had to leave and cried for 2 hours non stop and had to go home.
It's awful. Grief will kick you in the face when you least expect it. Having said that I worked with a great team and many patients were lovely and my staff and fellow GPs looked after me very well.

Good luck.

I’m so very sorry for your loss, it really sucks in all the ways imaginable. And, in a future that seems unimaginable right now, you will be ok. Changed/different, but ok. You’re doing a very great and brave thing asking for advice and help in how to navigate the next steps.

Everyone processes their grief differently to another, but something that really stuck with me when my husband died after a short and unexpected illness, was someone said to me that “I might not be able to control how and when the bombs of grief appear and show themselves, but I can control how I respond to the grief”.

This was the best piece of advice, by far.

The way I interpreted that advice was a combo of two things. 1) the “both/ands”. In other words, my feelings weren’t an either/or, they could be both at the same time. I could feel absolute sadness, while also experiencing joy or laughter at something in that moment. And 2) I kept reminding myself of the Japanese art of Kintsugi. I imagined that my heart was a broken pot, and that rather than let those chasms get wider and fill with silt and dirt, I chose to fill them with gold. For me this looked like going back to work, experiencing the things that bring me joy, trying new things, my children, my friends, road trips, travels etc… and bit by bit, I imagined those moments as gold filling the cracks in my broken heart. The loss wasn’t ignored, but revered and remembered alongside a life that kept moving forward.

So, with that in mind, in this really hard time, when you go back to work ensure your colleagues know you may need gentle grace and compassion while you navigate the normalcies of life midst ongoing processing and grieving. Make sure you give yourself grace, compassion and a whole lot of kindness too. Take the laughs, and funny work nonsense when they come, book time with friends and time to just sit in a room in quiet. Find the things that fill your heart with gold, and cry when you need to, don’t hold back, it’s releasing. Grief is love with nowhere to go, and the only way to get the other side of the storm of it is to go through it.

Sending you so much love and strength while you navigate your loss, your pain, your memories and the unknown of a future you hadn’t planned xxx

My phased return after my husband's death was only four weeks, but really it was just three, as the fourth week was full time (two days a week, then three, then four, then five). I don't know if that's normal, but I didn't have the emotional energy to challenge it. The OH rep from the LEA (I was a teacher) wasn't remotely empathetic or warm. It sounds as though your company's is helpful though.

I wish you all the best with it though. I did find being back helped me move on, and the distraction was helpful

Im sorry for your loss but being busy at work can help its a good distraction and dont isolate yourself at home too much and dont work from.home too much,

Op, I am very sorry for your loss.

My condolences. You may have already checked, but have you looked into bereavement payments if your husband was under pension age?

Thank you so much for all your kind words I really appreciate everything everyone has said. Some days are better than others and sometimes I feel completely bereft. Going back to work may be a good thing. Still dreading it tbh.

Grief is awful isn't it? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

It's really hard isn't it. I lost my partner in June to suicide and am just starting to go back now. Work have been rather shitty and taken all my current caseload away so in effect I'd have to start my job from scratch. I've told them that's overwhelming and too much to deal with. I agree the routine of work will distract me and I definitely need the money! Amazing how you feel so differently about things though. I'm sorry for your loss x