Going back to work after partners death.

[Barney16]

My partner died unexpectedly three months ago. It has been and continues to be the worst experience of my life. Unfortunately because of money I have to go back to work in a week or two. I'm not sure I'm going to manage but haven't got a choice. I have been really clear that I need a long phased return but I'm struggling to work out what that would look like. I'm waiting to speak to occupational health but know from experience that they will go with whatever I suggest. Before my partner died I was working ft with two days in the office, three days at home. So my question is if you returned to work after being bereaved how did it work and was there anything particularly helpful to you that I can ask for. Thank you for any suggestions.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I wanted to share my thoughts from a manager’s perspective. What I’ve found useful is my team members telling me what they think they need, what they want to try and most importantly what is and isn’t working for them. Ask your manager about more frequent check-ins with them and consider if there’s something you really enjoy doing that might give you some focus. Also given you have the annual leave establish if there’s a way that you can take it at short notice if you feel that’s what you need.
Hopefully your manager is prepared to support you through this and recognises how grief can impact people in different ways.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband died last year following a short battle with cancer. I went back to work 4 months after he died. I was on 4 days a week and because I had built up so much annual leave I was able to take one days annual leave a week and go back 3 days a week. But still get paid for 4 if that makes sense.
I did that until Jan 2026 and then I was able to move to a permanent 3-day week.
so firstly definitely ask for a phased return. Mine lasted 4 months.
i also changed jobs slightly. And stopped line managing people and my work was adjusted to become more project based and less reactive. Meant more working solo and less calls and presentations.
this has all worked for me really well. It’s hard enough looking after myself and my girls let alone thinking about line management and other people.
adjusting the role so less people facing has also worked for me.

jnitially the fiest few months were so hard and I felt like I was masking the whole time. But a few months in I realised my days in the office were actually giving me energy and work itself gave me a sense of purpose.

I’ve been very lucky in having an incredible line manager and employer so I hope your manager is also supportive.

good luck with it all. Also remember the path ahead isn’t linear and the grief will come like waves wirh some waves being stronger than others.

if you are aged under 50 there is an amazing charity called WAY - Widowed and Young. Try and join that to meet other widows and build a support group.

x

That’s beautiful

Firstly, I’m sorry for your loss. Secondly, I’m not sure that anyone can give you a useful answer to this as it’s such a personal thing. I have never been in your situation but I have dealt with the death of my father when I was a very young adult, and my husband being extremely unwell (6 weeks in ITU and a further 6 weeks on a ward) - for me being at work was useful - it added structure, distracted me, and it was nice seeing other people regularly - a reminder that life was going on as normal around me (although I can fully understand that this, whilst useful for me is upsetting for others). I was (and am) lucky to work in a supportive place and with people who care about and look out for me in the workplace (I am a nurse in ED and there can be overlap between personal and professional experience).

I know other people who have had extended periods of time off - or have changed their professional lives entirely after a bereavement. Everyone is different. Would you be able to go in for a day or morning/afternoon and just do some simple bits and pieces and see how you got on?

Sorry for your loss OP. I'm glad you have some options with work. When I lost my daughter I had to go back after 2 weeks back to normal and use the rest of AL around the funeral. Thinking the company sucks a bit.

I did remember thinking that some normality and routine did help a bit somewhat. But it's so personal to the person, it's hard to predict that will work. Be kind to yourself.

When I did a phased return, my GP specified I was only to go in for an hour the first day. The idea being that's an easy chunk to start with and you can leave quickly if it gets too much - especially if it feels weird and people keep asking how you are. After that it took about 12 weeks to get back to full time.

As someone who supports people returning to work from all sorts of situations including yours, I would say that don’t expect it to be linear in how you increase your time and work tasks. It’s ok to play it by ear and then when you get to a point that works, have a period where you consolidate that, before you try to do more. Your work might have a free counselling service through an EAP - it’s worth asking about it. Good luck and remember to be guided by yourself and not what everyone else thinks

I’m so sorry you're going through this.
Have you claimed the Bereavement Support Payment?

www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment/eligibility

I am so very sorry for your loss. You must be devastated.

I work in HR and my advice, from seeing lots of employees dealing with bereavement and having experienced bereavement myself, my personal view is that returning to work and getting that routine and 'normality' back is psychologically very helpful. Your grief is going to be the same either way. Going back to work doesn't increase it, or reduce it. But it is part of acceptance of your new normal, provides a distraction/break from the grief for a few hours, and 'normal' interactions with other people. I'm always worried when people feel unable to return after months as I've seen them become all-consumed by their grief and it becomes their whole life/reality/personality. It destroys them mentally. For your own sake, I would encourage you to go back on a normal length phased return (we are another employer who only permits up to 4 weeks in most circumstances - our view is that if there's a medical need for longer than that, either you weren't well enough to return, or you are only capable of part-time going forward.)

Grief is a normal reaction to a shitty situation and while bereaved people need and deserve support, I don't think it benefits them for it to be treated as an illness in itself. No one will expect you to be the same person right away.
In terms of support, I usually recommend signposting to grief counselling resources (although this may be something for the future for you), additional breaks when you feel upset/overwhelmed, a short phased return of reduced daily hours rather than number of days, and link to a work Mental Health champion/first aider.

My husband died 2 months ago. He had been ill for some time but his actual death was completely unexpected. I was lost and had no idea what day it was. I was really struggling with my sleeping patterns.

I'm a teacher. He died in the first week of the summer holidays and I went back to work in September when everyone else did. It seemed easier..

I was reducing my hours so as to have more time with him and had arranged to take some of my pension. i decided to carry on with that plan and so came back 3 days a week.

Honestly, it was easier than I expected. I settled back into the routine. My colleagues are very supportive and it gives a structure to my life. It stops me lying listlessly on the sofa and has helped a bit with re-establishing better sleep - although I still wake up at 3am.

Good luck.

I went back to work maybe 6 weeks after my sister died and had a phased return over about 4 weeks.

It was really hard going in, the feeling of walking across the carpark and down the long corridor towards my office. Remembering the last time I walked down there that my life was “normal” and it won’t be normal ever again.

The worst of it was my colleagues who thought 6 weeks was too soon to come back and told me in great detail all the terrible things that could happen to my mental health by coming back too soon. They wouldn’t seem to accept that I was in desperate need of a return to routine and their mini lecture although well meaning didn’t make me feel well supported

I hope your return to work goes ok. Try not to be too hard on yourself if bumps are hit on along the way.