DH died suddenly-need support and prayers please

[Evenstar]

My DH passed away suddenly on Thursday 26 June, there has to be a post mortem and I cannot bring him home until the coroner releases his body. I am struggling to realise that he is gone, as I have been unable to go and see him owing to distance from home and mortuary being closed at weekend. Mum and brother are here, am getting amazing support from them, my 3 children and so many friends. I am finding it hard at night and getting up very early not wanting to wake others but feel need to chat.

Thanks imaginaryfriend, I went up to DH's grave on my own today, just to have a few moments on my own. I am missing him so much,DS1 is being difficult again he keeps trying to tell me what to do and getting angry when I tell him that I am now the head of the household, and whilst he lives with me he can't do just as he pleases. He is very sad really, but it keeps coming out in a way that is very destructive to our relationship. He also overheard me talking to my mum on the phone about him and was very upset, I felt guilty, but I don't have DH to offload and talk to about things now, I am sad for him because I know how much he is missing his dad.

Sounds as if the day is well planned and will be thinking of you.

Oh dear, poor you and ds1. May be given his age and personality he will find it hard to accept that you are the head of the household. It must be so hard for you all. However, it is all so soon since your dh died. I am sure that given time for you all things will move on from the acute pain of missing him now and relations will improve. Try to stick firmly and gently to your guns and do what you know you and dh would have done together.

Evenstar, it must be so incredibly hard for you all. Your son probably has all kinds of pent up feelings of anger and resentment that he's lost his father and I think it's especially hard for boys / men to let those kinds of feelings out don't you?

I really hope tomorrow isn't too painful for you. As always I'll be thinking of you.

Well we have got through today, I have had cards from my parents who were thinking of me and remembering DH on his birthday. We went to the churchyard with DH's mother and placed cards and a really beautiful bunch of colourful flowers. The sun even shone for us, yesterday DD and I had been up and trimmed the grass and cleaned the vase, planted a small shrub and placed a little pottery ornament, so everything looked really lovely. We had plans for a cake at teatime and a special candle but as MIL departed DS2 managed to fall back down the stairs and hurt his wrist. I then ended up spending almost 3 hours at A & E getting it X rayed only to be told that it was just a sprain . We were going to have a special supper but we just had pasta so are planning cake, candle and special tea tomorrow now. It has been a hard day, very painful to see other mums being supported by their DH's at A & E, I have never had to go without DH before.

Evenstar, my heart goes out to you, it really does.

Evenstar, I haven't been on mn for weeks so just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss and that I am thinking of you and sending you love x

Thank you imaginary friend, I do appreciate your kind words. I am feeling a bit low this morning, it was very hard to get up and get going and it was lovely to see that you were thinking of me.

Thank you too wishing chair, is your name from the Enid Blyton books?

I do think of you a lot Evenstar and I imagine how I would cope were I in your place although my circumstances are very different to yours - only 1 dd and younger than your children. I tend to think of you in relation to my mum too, how she coped when my dad died when my brother and I were teenagers. It was a hard time. To say the very least. My mum used to get awful nightmares I remember. But I took it the hardest, being the closest to my father. I still feel that it changed my life forever. I think sudden deaths do.

Thinking of you from Stru's house, too. I have little or no experience of bereavement but I really do believe that although it is such a personal thing that only you and family can go through in your own way, strangers like the mners can help to listen to your ups and downs and help you on your way.

I really do think you are doing so well. Things like a trip to casualty with a child will be bound to highlight the loneliness as you just want your dh to turn to. But you did cope with it and he would have been proud of you. Hope the wrist is on the mend.

Are the younger dcs back to school soon? I have three back tomorrow and one on Thursday.

Thanks all, DS2's wrist is much better today and he starts secondary school on Thursday. The day got better as it went on today, DH's friend called to see me this afternoon and we had a cuppa and a chat. It is lovely that he is keeping in touch he is in the area once a month with work, he and DH had only been in touch via e-mail and had planned to meet. He says he feels that we are meant to keep in touch.

Imaginary friend I think you are right about the nature of sudden death, I feel that at the moment I do not have faith that people are OK, everyone has to phone when they get home and check in with me. I spoke the other week to someone who had lost a family member to murder and they said that they felt that way too, and that their mother in particular now wanted constant reassurance literally that people were still alive. I know that is very early days (only just over 2 months)but I too feel that life will never be quite the same again, you cannot take anything for granted when a policeman has knocked on your door with news like that.

Just seen this. I am so sorry for your loss - I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. Wishing you love and strength to get through this time.

xx

Evenstar, well, in my experience, that feeling of loss of certainty in everyday things stays with you after a traumatic / sudden death. I don't know if that's been the case with me because I was quite young when my father died but I never got that 'faith' in life back. I worry constantly something will happen to dp or to dd, that I will get a call, that a policeman will show up, etc. etc. I was told my father died by a security guard where I was working at a summer job and I still remember the feeling of utter terror and confusion and disbelief even though it was way back now in 1987. In some ways it's been good in that I never take life / people for granted and always make sure I leave people on a good note in case I don't see them again. In other ways it's a pointless activity to worry constantly and it drives dp up the wall that I panic so much if I haven't heard from him in any kind of unusual way. When he's looking after dd for the day and I'm at work I need to know where they are and what they're doing and if they're not back when I get in from work I always start to fear the worst.

Imaginary Friend, poor you to feel like this after so long. However, have to admit to always thinking the worst when people are late even though I haven't had that sudden death. I do then tell myself not to be so silly. May be some people are made that way. I'm sure it's good not to take things for granted anyway.

Hope the first day went well for your ds2, evenstar. Is he moving on with lots of his friends?

DS2's first day has gone really well, he has known quite a few of the other children since infants, but they are not classmates/best friends. I appealed and got him a place at the out of catchment school that DD attended. One of my main reasons was the lack of bullying there (it is quite exceptional) and the excellent pastoral care that they give, and DD walked up and met him this afternoon so they could walk his regular route home and show him the way. DD spoke to his form tutor at the gate and he said DS had been fine. I was this morning though taking the first day photographs, DH nearly always did that. I wrote DS2 a card wishing him a good first day and saying how proud Daddy would have been of him today.

Hope the second day went as well. Sounds as if they will look after him which is such a comfort when he has so many other things to deal with. Well done for doing the photo, you'll be really glad you did it in years to come.

What a ghastly day for weather today again. I should think ds could swim home!

That's great Evenstar. My little dd started Y1 today and has been like a little lost soul. She's terribly shy and is finding the change to her routine is very unsettling.

I made a step forward yesterday, I have felt able to turn to friends to help me get to know some people at the local church. I have been attending regularly but only at the early service and not really talking to anyone except two friends who don't go every week. Last night I went to the induction of the new priest at the local church with my friends and was warmly welcomed by some really lovely people. The vicar said he will come to see me, but had been busy since his holiday (the church where we had DH's funeral is the mother church of the parish, the one I attended last night is the "daughter" church, so still the same vicar). I also met the Bereavement Team which I knew about, who told me they had waited to contact me as they knew how busy I would be, also lovely people and my counsellor is coming to chat on Thursday. I also had a lovely weekend with my brother who came down to buy my birthday present and take me and the DC's out for a pre-birthday dinner (birthday tomorrow). I am feeling a little low tonight, the special days do seem to make the loneliness worse and there have been so many already since DH died

Evenstar I'm really glad you're in touch with the church bereavement people. I'll bet they are fantastic. IME they talk straight and that's what you need. Not everyone is brave or strong enough to talk about the things you need to talk about, but they are.

Sorry you're feeling low. It must get lonely at nights.

On the special days, do you set aside time to include dh? I mean, can you all hold hands and 'bring him in' to the celebration. I just mean remember him and say a prayer for him and send him love?

Of course you may well up, but it might help.

We do, on his birthday last week we took him flowers and it is not just on the special days, he is still a constant presence in our lives, we have his photograph in the sitting room and by our beds.

You must miss him so much. I'm sorry.

Evenstar you inspire me the way you get out and about and make progress every time I read your posts.

I hope you can have a good day tomorrow.

Good night.

Evenstar you will always have him in your lives. I talk to my father so often and take his 'advice' in my mind.

I hope you are ok x