Dads funeral - Flowers/Car etc - do I have to?

[foel]

Some of you may have read difficulties I've had with this.

Brother has arranged a car for himself and some family. I've told him to crack on and I'll sort myself out. Same with flowers.

Will it look strange if I don't turn up in limo etc? I'd just be my wife and I anyway. Would it be disrespectful?

Same with flowers. Dad was the tightest person on the planet and there is no way he'd pay for flowers ever if it was anyone else. Again, I expect my brother has got the biggest display known to man.

I'm just sick of all the showing off my brother has done for this funeral when he couldn't be bothered to visit Dad in his last years....

Just want to go the funeral, not have any hassle, and go home. (Not going to the wake he's organised)

forget the limo. . Buy a single flower if you want to … nothing fancy. And don’t rule out going to the wake as I’m sure there will be people who want to see you.

It’s perfectly normal not to do any individual flowers now! We just bought a bouquet for the coffin and it came out of the estate to pay me back. It’s what the beneficiaries agreed. So less than £20 each. No one stands around looking at flowers any more and we just had one family message. If DB wants some extravagant flowers let him - but make sure you don’t pay for them!

You loved and cared for your dad while he was alive, and that’s what matters.
What happens at the funeral is to help those left behind to come to terms with their loss. Just go there quietly with your wife, don’t even go to the wake if you don’t want to. Let your brother mourn the way he chooses you don’t have to be part of it.

I think you need to put yourself first and do what is right for you. It is going to make no impact on your Dad now. If you don't want to attend the funeral and instead say a private goodbye to your Dad then do that if it is right for you.

You did your best with your Dad, your brother did not and now he and his wife want to put on a show. Let them, do what is right for you. Look after yourself and I am sorry for your loss.

Yes, ignore your brother. My dSis, who refused to come to our DMs 100th birthday tea at her care home, was desperate to choose and read a poem at her funeral! It’s just show. She also did Nothing! For years!

yes if they have an estate
majority of families pay for flowers themselves

My dad would be fuming! He was being cremated so we had fake flowers..... all show but no pants (expense) to leave at the Crematorium.

When my mother died my sister and her husband organised the funeral and all sorts of lavish extras. Then they tried to get half of the money out of me. No, you ask for money up front to cover the funeral expenses and the executer will disburse them. Or you send the bills and you will be refunded. When I told her this she said "but they want the money now". I told her "That's your problem. You don't order stuff without consultation and then demand a contribution. That's not how I do business."

hmmm maybe.... Yes Dad was a complete nightmare. Could I be the one to abandon him? no I couldn't.

Know what you mean though. I have no intention to be seen as best son I just want it all over with now

You sound like my brother!

Dementia patients do still get moments where they remember. Even talking to them helps them. Admitedly, I'd say 99% of the time he had no idea.

No he'll now never know I visited. Visiting certainly was not for my benefit - like you said its an awful experience.

Yep. I've had that from him already. I said "get a receipt and wait".

He's so thick. He told the funeral home Dad has a "funeral plan". News to me and I did most of Dads financial stuff. He insisted that yes Dad definitely had "insurance". Umm yes home buildings and contents insurance dont pay for your funeral.

Turns out his "I'll get the venue for cheap, I know someone" didn't pan out. Story of his life and hes done the same and realised someones got to pay for it.

You don't need the drama at a time like this. Make your own way there, do you own thing, grieve in your own way. Sorry for your loss.

Let him crack on people will be already in the church when he arrives in the limo , assume any flowers are from all his children and won’t expect you to line up anyway - none of our family did when we lost Dad as just wanted to go straight to cemetary. Let him pay and assuage his guilt - you focus on grieving how you want to

Why do you say I sound like your brother? You know nothing about me. I supported my stepfather after my mother died suddenly. He had no one as his children abandoned him when he left his wife for my mother when we were all very young. Ultimately, I believe everyone should have someone to advocate for them when they are unable to do so themselves - I didn’t dislike him but didn’t want to walk away when he was most in need. So I became his Deputy through the court of protection, ensured he had decent clothes, liaised with the care home, visited him monthly despite him having no idea who I was, sat by his bed in his final few days and held his hand when he died.
We didn’t have a big fancy funeral, he had a simple cremation and his ashes scattered with my mother.
What I did was to show respect to someone at the end of their life.

@BrendaSmall Well we were equal beneficiaries and agree the estate would pay. Of course it can be different if there’s no agreement and everyone does their own thing. Our floral display came to the wake and everyone took a flower or two. They didn’t stay at the crem and we only had the one floral tribute. You don’t see many now - people give to charity instead.

Last funeral I went to I have no idea how the family travelled. I didn’t look at the flowers particularly, certainly had no idea who paid for them. Just go in your own car.

i travelled in the hearse with my parent. didn't cost any more. could be an option for you if you wanted to be near your loved one on the final journey. (your husband couod drive the family car - if not enough room for him due to poll bearing staff also travelling with the coffin - and that car would’ve handy for later).

your brother would find it hard to refuse that request! and you’d have one up on him in a way, but i know that’s not what you are asking for.

You celebrate your dad's life in the way you are happy with.
Forget other people and their opinions or displays.

My Mum wanted the whole flower shop where as Mil didn't want any.
Yet as we lived away from mum there was only the actual hearse and mil we had two cars and the hearse.

I'm sorry for your loss. Do what is right for you

There’s hardly any flowers to look at now. It’s really considered a waste and it’s family flowers only. I know op is family but there’s no need for huge expense.

My apologies you do instead sounds like me.....

All sounds very similar to me to be honest. Would never win worlds best Dad aware but I had do right by him

My brothers excuse ranged from "Im too busy", "what the point hes in a home now", "he doesnt know who I am", "I dont like seeing him like that".