Should I let our son view his dad before the funeral?

[Anonynoname]

My DH died 3 weeks ago. The funeral is arranged later this month but I have already told the funeral director that we do not wish to see DH (his body).

I’m from a country where viewing of body at wake and open casket at funeral are standard practice but from what I experienced at my nan’s and my dad’s funerals, I just felt that their face didn’t look the same lying lifeless in front of me, as when they were alive. So for my DH, I decided on no viewing.

But this evening just before bed time, our 8 year old son asked where Daddy’s body was. I told him where his body was and asked why he was asking. He said he wanted to see him and give him a hug.

I know it is not at all common to view body here in the UK but I’m wondering if I’m making the right choice not to view ( and not let our sons view) DH before the funeral.

Any thoughts?

I think if he wants to, you should let him (unless DH was in a bad accident). Perhaps explain that in your experience, your family members didn’t look the same. He may resent you later in if he asked and you refused. Not an easy decision to make—sorry for your loss, OP.

I’m so sorry. I didn’t let my kids see their dad either (they wanted to). He didn’t look good and I didn’t want them to remember him like that. They understood. There’s no right or wrong answer to this. You can only do your best.
I also think (and I may be wrong here) that they ask you in advance so they can prepare the body and if you’ve said no it may not be possible (again, I’m so sorry, this sounds so insensitive I can’t think of any other way to put it ).

I would think 8 is too young. Others may feel differently. I didn’t want to see my grandad at age 24.

It may bring some kind of closure if he is asking? Or is he just curious where the body is between death and the cremation or burial?

I’m sorry for your loss. You know your son best and if this is something that would be suitable for him.

I wouldn’t - what made him, him has gone. I remember seeing my grandparent, whom I loved deeply, as a young adult and it really upset me as it didn’t really look like him anymore. Sadly I’ve lost several very close and very loved family members since and refused to see them all in a coffin. I want to remember them alive.
I’m so sorry for your loss and your little boy. Whatever decision you make, I'm sure will be the right one for you as a family.

Hello OP. So sorry for your loss.
I honestly think 8 is too young to be visiting dad in this way.
I’d probably suggest for your DS to choose something to be put with dad depending on your beliefs. A teddy for dad to cuddle? Perhaps one each as a connection? (I’d probably get a couple of spares incase one gets lost in the future)

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think it could be really upsetting to see the body. What made it Daddy is no longer there, it is just a shell. If you are going to go, I think you should firstly check with the funeral directors whether they would recommend it. They will be able to advise if it would definitely be a bad idea based on his present condition.

Then have a conversation with your son about how you wish you could hug daddy too, but that he is gone now, and what is left is not really daddy. And see if he still wants to go. And if he does, make it clear that it won’t look like he used to. And rather than expecting to hug him, maybe he could draw a picture or take a photo to put in the coffin, and possibly touch his hand.

I know it’s not what you’ve asked - but Winston’s wish is really useful for helping guide children through grief.

So sorry for your loss. When my granddad died my mum didn’t let me see him even though I asked (I was 16 at the time so much older!). I wasn’t happy at the time but in hindsight I have always felt grateful for her doing that as I don’t think I would enjoy that being my last visual memory of him. 8 is very young so I think it’s the right call to say no.

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP.

Culturally, we do this in my background too, so I would consider it, if my child was keen. My cousin viewed my grandmother when he was about the same age, and was very sweet, held her hand and chatted to her and seemed to find a lot of comfort in it. A lot of people find the idea very strange, but if you're from a background where it's normalised, I think it can be really healthy. I found it quite comforting to see my dad (but, I was in my late 40s at that point). My children didn't want to see my dad's body, and that was fine too. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer really - I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you and your children.

I disagree. Unless he is very changed seeing him is likely helpful and he’s asked for it. I would urgently speak to the undertakers and go from there.

I think your son has no idea what he’s asking for, in particular a hug would be out of the question so his picture of what would happen would not happen. Its already three weeks since the death, I think that it’s more likely to harm your child than help in any way.

personally, even as an adult I went to see my mum because of “you’ll regret it if you don’t pressure … I totally regret that I did”.

I just want to recommend the charity ‘Winston’s Wish’ you can speak with someone who will talk all this through with you. There is lots of advice for children who have lost a parent. I’m a teacher and have used them when a child in my school have lost parents. Just have a look on their website x

He is not going to be able to give him a hug though. You need to be very clear with him before even considering this.

Im a great believer in letting children see and not making a big deal of it. It can help a lot. Ive been a nurse for 46 years and children are very resilient. Id probably just say daddy isnt in this body any more so he might not look the same. You know your son better than anyone. There is no doubt at all that when you look at a body that their soul is no longer there. Bless you both.

It's too young in my opinion.

It will be an image that he will always have in his head until he dies. It could either give him closure or it could have the opposite effect. It's not a risk I would want to take with my child.

He has asked for it and you shouldn’t be making the choice for him. Make sure he is well prepared, can change his mind at any point, and that you can be with him if he wants that.

What a lovely brave lad you have. And he would be equally brave and lovely if he didn’t want this. So sorry for your loss.

I would let him, if the funeral home said it was ok, if not, or as a compromise I would let him see his coffin in the funeral home, so he could have some time with him.

I am sorry for your loss

If the body hasn't been preserved for viewing then 3 weeks after he died is probably too late and I would think the undertaker would advise against it.

At 3 weeks, no. I saw my DH 2 days after he died and I was shocked. Looked nothing like him and that's the image I see now when I think of him. The funeral was 1 month after his death and the funeral home said the body wasn't fit for viewing, too much time had passed.

Sorry but the body may have deteriorated by now so I would check with the funeral director before you promise your son anything.

Does he actually want to see him though, or was it more of a comment that you wish you could see someone who’s died to give them a hug?
I have a DS8 and I couldn’t imagine putting him through that. I saw my DGD just after he died and he looked terrible. I know at the funeral home it would be a bit different, but I still think of what he looked like now, 12 years ago. I personally think what he sees at 8 years old will stay with him forever.

Our local authority lost my mother. My undertaker found her 3 weeks later then I had to identify her in the morgue. Wouldn’t have put my 12 year old through that

A strong no from me. 8 is very young. It's just my opinion, but I think he needs to be protected from what he will see.

Oh, I'm so sorry

3 weeks is right on the cusp of nobody should be seeing the body as they deteriorate so quickly. If you’ve said you don’t wish to see him, they won’t have embalmed him and he’ll have deteriorated even more so. I’d advise for you to see him yourself first and go from there on whether your son can mentally take it.

Also, regarding hugging him, your son should know he will be very very cold and hard, not soft and warm.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💔