Should I let our son view his dad before the funeral?

[Anonynoname]

My DH died 3 weeks ago. The funeral is arranged later this month but I have already told the funeral director that we do not wish to see DH (his body).

I’m from a country where viewing of body at wake and open casket at funeral are standard practice but from what I experienced at my nan’s and my dad’s funerals, I just felt that their face didn’t look the same lying lifeless in front of me, as when they were alive. So for my DH, I decided on no viewing.

But this evening just before bed time, our 8 year old son asked where Daddy’s body was. I told him where his body was and asked why he was asking. He said he wanted to see him and give him a hug.

I know it is not at all common to view body here in the UK but I’m wondering if I’m making the right choice not to view ( and not let our sons view) DH before the funeral.

Any thoughts?

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think 8 is much too young.

I saw my mum and gave her a kiss shortly after she passed when I was 10. I cherish that.

My dad died as a result of an accident when I was 12 and I was given the option, but warned he would look different, and I chose not. It was a different relationship, but I’ve never felt that I made the wrong choice.

I do think 8 is quite young, and some time has passed. He’s young, and you’re his mum. He’ll trust you to make the right decision for him,

Im really very sorry for your loss, and his

Too young and definitely too late after 3 weeks, embalmed or not.

Thank you all for your advice. I have already told my son that it was not possible to see daddy when he asked the question but I had a horrible feeling that I was denying his wish…

As some of you mentioned, it’s been 3 weeks so the conditions of the body may be bad so I think I will stick to my decision and not ask for viewing.

once again, thank you all for your advice and comments.

I'm sorry on the loss of your DH OP

In cultures where viewing is the norm, I assume this is done within hours/days of death, not weeks later? We recently lost my step MIL and due to it being an inquest, took weeks before we could view her. The funeral staff insisted she wasn't touched or kissed due to the very high risk of skin slippage. 😬

Personally, I wanted to remember her as she was so didn't view her. I lost my own father when I was 15 and seeing his dead body still haunts me over 30yrs later.

Ask rhe funeral director if its possible op, my
boys 7 and 12 saw their dad. If he’s asked I would prepare him, daddy might look very different etc but it might bring him some peace, his imagination could be far worse than the reality.

I would err on not.
Is there someone you trust who would be comfortable viewing and can say if your DH looks himself so you can assess if it’s a good idea for your son to view?

Why would it be out of the question? I have hugged my dead relatives in the chapel of rest.

However, I think after 3 weeks, there is a possibility that he will have changed and viewing might not be an option. The only way to find out would be to ask.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong call here. You know your child, op, and I’m sorry you’re having to make such difficult decisions

I would never allow this. He’s too young for one thing and I wouldn’t even want to look at a dead body as an adult, for another.

My parents always told me they regretted viewing their parents’ corpses and could never get the image out if their minds, and they were in their 60s when their parents died. After 3 weeks, I think it would be particularly disturbing.

I would say no too. I saw my Dad very soon after he died and it wasn’t the same as seeing him asleep, he just wasn’t there any more, he was gone and it felt like what was left was very much just a body. I don’t know if I’m explaining it well, I just know that it was unsettling, upsetting and gave me no comfort and I was 28 at the time. I can’t believe that a child would have benefited from that experience.

Different ages but My kids didnt see their dad. Advised not to. I didnt want to see my dad. I didnt particularly want to see my mother for the reasons OP states...in case she looked very different...however my youngest daughter did want to see her so i took her along. My other 2 didnt want to. DD was 13 at the time so a bit older and it was just a couple of days after she passed. DD remembers it well and is glad she went. She didnt want to touch her as she was cold but I did. And im glad I went too. Condolences for your and family's loss also OP. Such a difficult time to navigate 💐

The fact that he’s asked for ‘a hug’ with his dad would make it a no from me. It indicates to me that he’s not young enough to not register and remember the experience but not old enough to handle it.

I viewed my dad’s body in the funeral home at age 18, I was in charge of the arrangements and thought I should..I wish I hadn’t.

That is probably for the best. Maybe he could write a note or draw something which could be placed in the coffin.

Was he embalmed? If so I would let him. Otherwise no

I’ve only seen one dead body (my DF) and I was an adult. I wish I hadn’t. There is no comfort there.

I lost my DB as a child and I truly think it’s better and kinder for them to not see it, even if they’re still wondering about it all, they’ll accept reality eventually.

I'm so sorry op.

Honestly I think you've made the right decision in the circumstances. If it was earlier I'd have suggested doing it, but I think you were absolutely right.

The other things you could do might include things like looking at other rituals you could provide your son with, such as a Teddy made out of some of his dads clothes (when you have the headspace), getting your son to pick a photo of his dad he'd like to frame and keep in his room to talk to, or writing his dad a letter or drawing a picture/ giving something of his that could be kept with his dad after the funeral.

I think it's important to remember that there is no right or perfect way to parent through this but your son is lucky to have a mum who's centering him and thinking so much about what to do for the best in the middle of such a tough time.

I hope you have support around you xx

I'm so sorry op.

Honestly I think you've made the right decision in the circumstances. If it was earlier I'd have suggested doing it, but I think you were absolutely right.

The other things you could do might include things like looking at other rituals you could provide your son with, such as a Teddy made out of some of his dads clothes (when you have the headspace), getting your son to pick a photo of his dad he'd like to frame and keep in his room to talk to, or writing his dad a letter or drawing a picture/ giving something of his that could be kept with his dad after the funeral.

I think it's important to remember that there is no right or perfect way to parent through this but your son is lucky to have a mum who's centering him and thinking so much about what to do for the best in the middle of such a tough time.

I hope you have support around you xx

I was eight when my mum died. She had a brain haemorrhage at 33 and the blood had pooled to the front of her face.

i also asked to see her. I used to suck my fingers and curl her hair around my finger. I really wanted to do that one last time.
They covered her pooling with make up (probably not fully as I can’t remember exactly) but I do remember my aunties (her sisters) crying when they saw me curling her hair whilst resting my head on hers.

I would have been distraught if I wasn’t allowed to do this. I only have a handful of memories of my mum, one was when I cut my arm and she took me to hospital (significant moment) and the rest are just blurred.

But I do remember visiting her, and it’s not affected me negatively. If anything, I’d say it helped.

I’m so sorry for you loss. ❤️

I would say no. Because his Dad might not look like himself and that image could stay with your DS for the rest of his life. And hugging just probably won't be possible but don't say this to your DS.

I think you are making the correct decision given the age of your child and the time since death.
I was present at my father's death and it was a "good" death. He was then gone. He didn't look like him to me.
You just love your child and you will know I'm your heart what he needs. ❤️ To you.

Having seen my Grandmother when I was in my 20s, and wishing I hadn’t, I err with those that say no, especially at this stage. I like the idea that you could go out together and let him choose a special teddy to be interred with his Dad, that he can cuddle and say whatever he wants to say to first. A matching one for him to keep might be nice too. I’m so sorry for your and your Son’s loss OP x

After a day or 2 yes but not after 3 weeks. I think it is just dreadful how long people have to wait in England for a funeral. Here it is usually a matter of days and at a stretch a week if it's a cremation.

Totally agree with this. Your son may have seen 'dead' bodies in tv dramas possibly, but the reality is very different. The dead look very different, I saw my mum the day after and you could see it wasn't her any more even after such a short time.

I wouldn't let him, especially after 3 weeks

sorry for your loss. Most people have covered the should you shouldn’t you and I do personally think it’s too young and you’ve made the right decision. He can’t unsee it and you don’t want that to be the last memory. One thing I wanted to add was just to really empathise with the wanting to hug him. So make sure you validate that conversation - “we really wish we could hug him, it would be so nice to do that” etc that way his feelings are heard and acknowledged. Maybe it’s more about expressing his sadness and loss rather than actually wanting to see the body.

If he wants to I think you should let him. I have seen many people who have died including a grandmother, my parents, my mother in law and my husband; you can tell they are no longer there, it's not spooky or nasty, it's natural.

Death is so much a taboo subject in this day and age whereas children grew up with it in days gone by, it is just part of life and nothing to fear.

I do feel for you and for your son, bless you. x