Should I let our son view his dad before the funeral?

[Anonynoname]

My DH died 3 weeks ago. The funeral is arranged later this month but I have already told the funeral director that we do not wish to see DH (his body).

I’m from a country where viewing of body at wake and open casket at funeral are standard practice but from what I experienced at my nan’s and my dad’s funerals, I just felt that their face didn’t look the same lying lifeless in front of me, as when they were alive. So for my DH, I decided on no viewing.

But this evening just before bed time, our 8 year old son asked where Daddy’s body was. I told him where his body was and asked why he was asking. He said he wanted to see him and give him a hug.

I know it is not at all common to view body here in the UK but I’m wondering if I’m making the right choice not to view ( and not let our sons view) DH before the funeral.

Any thoughts?

I've only seen one person in this way my gran, and that image still is the one that pops into my brain before any other when I think of her, I wish I hadn't and I will never do it again. I think you've made the right choice let him have the memories of his dad when they were together

I would let him but explain that he will look different. I am from Ireland and almost all funerals are open casket. I've actually never been to one that was closed, even a car accident victim. In that case we were told we could touch his hands but not his face due to the reconstructive work done 😢
I personally think it helps with grieving and the fact he has asked I would allow him. My kids were 8 & 5 when their Grandad died. They came to funeral home with intention of just staying in reception area with a book/toy. When there they asked to go in. I asked undertaker his advice. He replied that he would let them if they have asked because once the wake is over thats it 💔 I am so sorry for your immense loss, thinking of you at this saddest of times OP 💔

I'm so sorry for your loss. My boys were 8 and 9 when my husband died. In the last hours before he died I remembered vividly saying to myself that I wouldn't bring the boys to see him the next day even if he survived another few hours because he looked quite alarming in his last hours and I thought they would be frightened.
I agonised about whether I would visit him at the funeral home and despite him being embalmed it was 3 weeks after he died and very upsetting. I took my queue from the children and they never asked to see him. I was relieved.
However I do remember my youngest asking me a few days after the funeral how I had known that daddy died, so I realised he needed more information to make it real so I described in a child friendly way that I could hear his heart slowing down and his breathing getting slower until it completely stopped.
It felt like these decisions really mattered and I worried if I was getting it right but I have never regretted the boys not seeing their dad. It has haunted me.
I'm sorry ❤️

Sorry for your loss op.
I wouldnt let your son view him though :(

Sorry I just read some of the other comments, I dont think it will be possible after 3 weeks especially if not embalmed so check with undertaker first. I'm so sorry 😭

Mum died when I was 13. I was taken to see her in the hospital where she was unconscious and hooked up to various machines and making a snoring noise. I then saw her in the coffin before the funeral as my family did open coffins and had her laid out in the lounge. I didn't feel at either location that I could say goodbye to get or wanted to talk to her, it was just awkward and I wanted to leave. For years, those were the only ways I could picture her and I hated it. It was horrible.

However, I obviously don't know how I'd feel if I hadn't seen her. I might feel resentful that I didn't, but I doubt it as I didn't feel like it was my chance to say goodbye one last time.

Sorry, that's probably not much help. It's a really difficult decision. I think I'd lean towards not letting your son see his dad, but maybe get him to say goodbye in a different way, write him a letter and burn it so it "goes to daddy in heaven", or like a pp says, get matching teddies that he can talk to and the teddy can then pass the message onto his dad.

So sorry for your loss.x

I think it’s vital to view the body of a very close loved one, unless it is in particularly poor condition.

It really seals the fact they have died, and provides closure.

Follow your gut instinct

I think it very much depends on the circumstances surrounding the death. Two of my children asked to see MIL, she had been embalmed, had her usual makeup on, her hair and nails had been done and she looked very peaceful, they were 10 and 12 at the time. My brother died in an accident and we decided on a sealed coffin after close family had been to see him, I wish I hadn’t gone to see him as I can’t erase it from my memory of him now.

I know it is not at all common to view body here in the UK but I’m wondering if I’m making the right choice not to view ( and not let our sons view) DH before the funeral.

It is common enough in uk for people to see they're dearly departed, that undertakers have chapel of rest at their premisses for relatives to attend and see their loved ones.

Im sorry for your and your sons loss. At 8 years old I think the fact he has asked to see his dads body is very significant. He is seeking closure, the reality that his dad has gone?

Is it not common to view the body in the UK? We had my mum home for a day before her funeral. All the family came and We sat and chatted.... My dad died in January and he wanted to stay in the funeral home. We still went to visit him.... say goodbye. Only mu eldest son asked to visit him. It was really helpful for him.
My opinion is always if they have asked they you shouldn't deny, it may be something both you & he regret and you just can't change that.
I'd explain fully the process and have a chat with the funeral director first to see if its a possibility before you say no. Sending you all lots if love xxx

So very sorry for your loss.

I think you know your son best. If he is asking from a place of wanting to know where his dad is, how he is being looked after etc I would just answer those questions as best you can.

However if he is genuinely asking to see his dad I would allow it at age 8.

I have a cultural background where we do body viewings and I would have been very upset if I had been prevented from seeing my maternal grandma (age 9) my grandfather (age 14 ish), my paternal grandma (age 30 plus) and my sister (age 30 plus).

I fully agree that the person does not always look the same but that was my personal goodbye to them and I personally preferred that it was real and not abstract. So if my child asked, directly, I would facilitate it.

Again, so sorry for your loss.

If your DH died 3 weeks ago as Nd you told funeral director you didn't want to view I would have not thought it likely body would be in a good way for viewing. If you'd told funeral director you wanted to view they nay have enbalmed. People who view usually do do in the day or 2 after death. After a few days the body starts to deteriorate. I'd suggest to your DS he can choose a photo and small gift to put into coffin with his Dad. I know a little boy who's Dad died and he had one of his little Lego men they had played with together put in the coffin with his Dad.

I’d let him. I went to see my mum’s body in the funeral director’s place. They had done a nice job of making her look peaceful. When she died, she had the slack jaw look, but they had sorted that out. Some people need to see the body in order to process the death. I don’t think it’s scary.

This may not be totally up to date. I viewed my mum’s body 2.5 weeks after she died. Funeral was 3 days later. The medical examiner needs to process all deaths in England now so things can be slow.

Oh I mean this was a few weeks ago

I was 8 when I saw my Mum’s body in her coffin but weirdly wasn’t allowed to go to her funeral.

I’ve seen a few family members since then. I found it helpful. Each time I’ve seen that whatever made them, them - has gone. That the body was a vessel for their spirit, soul, personality.

I don’t know why, but it helps. When my Dad died a couple of years ago seeing his body made it real. Helped me grieve.

You made the right decision. Best for your son to remember him alive.

I saw my dad, but I was older (13) and also he had died unexpectedly and messily with me there. He looked very dead, but that's a much better last memory than his death for me. I'd only advise it it this situation really.

Everyone else I have seen, that's the face I remember most clearly. I saw my DP 3 weeks after he had died and he was very, very different. I wish that wasn't my last memory, though I felt I needed it at the time.

In the UK, we delay funerals a long while. I think viewing only really works well in the first couple of days following then it can be too much; too late. I really think you are making the right choice, OP.

My condolences to you and your family. 💐

I’m so so sorry this happened to you. Truly awful.

What did you end up doing OP?

I’m in Ireland where it is normal for the funeral/wake to be open casket. However they usually take place within a few days of the death. Thankfully I haven’t been to very many. In one case, the funeral had to be delayed by weeks and the undertaker strongly advised to family not to view. After three weeks I just wouldn’t OP, sorry for your loss.

Could he have a quiet time with his dad but in the closed coffin?

Some British people do like to see the body, often Catholics. When I was bereaved last year, the funeral directors advised us not to view the body as he did not look good by the time the hospital released him.
If it is now three weeks since the death, I would not advise it,especially for a child. You could go with your son and sit with the coffin. That was what the funeral directors we used advised.

I really regret viewing my dead husband and I was an adult. It's probably one of my greatest regrets. Fortunately my son was 2 so this wasn't an issue for us. Good luck with your decision and sorry for your loss.

For an 8 year old, I think it's no loss to him to not view the body...fond memories of a living person is surely everything he needs to cherish into the future.