If you lost your parents young (before you turned 40, say) did you ever feel like this?

[followtheswallow]

I already know I’m going to explain this badly. Both my parents are dead. My mum died when I was still at school then my dad died when I was in my late 20s. I’m now 45, almost 46, so quite a while ago now.

My friends parents (and PIL) are probably going to start passing away in the next ten years and while of course I’m sorry for their losses there is part of me that feels resentful. FIL is currently undergoing tests - there’s nothing been established as ‘wrong’ yet.

I definitely don’t mean I want them to die! I suppose I just feel sad my own loss and grief has long been forgotten.

I’m so sorry you lost your parents so young. I was lucky enough to have my mum until much later in life but I still feel some jealousy when friends talk about their parents who have got to an age much older than my mum made it to.
It’s probably unreasonable, it doesn’t mean I wish harm on other people, I’m just sad because they are stages of life that I wish I could talk to my mum about.
I think it’s normal to feel this way.

I lost both my parents when I was 25, they died within a year of each other and I'm an only child. I have conflicting feelings. I miss my parents and think of them still nearly every day, but there is also a tiny bit of relief in there that I did not have to see them go through the pains of old-age; failing health and dementia. I now dread that my own son will have to bear that with me.

My mum was only 66 when she died. I was 39. She was too young x

I lost my dad at 26 when he was 54 (and then my mum in a car accident when she was 69 and I was 44). I’ve spent a large part of my life being resentful of PIL for example who rattle on miserably in their 80’s. On the flip side, they are in care and we’ve never had the drudge and worry and responsibility of any elderly care my friends now face.

I think its a really normal feeling OP, my first DH died in our 20’s and I used to be bewildered and pissed off when Betty and Nora thought it was so unfair their husbands died at 85, I knew I was being unreasonable, but in my mind it was so unfair. (I know this is not the same as parents I’m sorry)

My now DH has lost both parents before 40 and I know he feels the same as you, and au know its hard for him to see me with my parents sometimes, but also he does appreciate he won’t have to worry about old ageing parents etc.

You feel the way you feel, it’s not wrong and you are not alone in your feelings x

I lost dm when still at school and df in late 20s. I have always felt I was short changed tbh. School friends are posting now about losing their parents and it is sad for them but I can't help thinking that I lost mine 40 years before they lost theirs and think they were the fortunate ones.

Your last paragraph rings true for me.

i lost my dad nearly 40 years ago. It did seem my grief was forgotten very quickly- by the time I was in my 20’s it was “years ago”.

i’ve had 30 years as an adult with friends, family and acquaintances losing parents, nodding, sympathising with them. Helping with practicalities. While a small part of me is screaming what about me? Why couldn’t i have known my dad as an adult, why couldn’t he have stayed long enough to know my children. In some ways i would like to be grieving now as it would have meant another 40 years.

I'm the same as @hiredandsqueak . Lost my my when I was 23, my dad at 34, and my little brother when I was 47. I am getting more resentful as I get older of friends who are moaning about caring for their elder relatives, arguing over inheritances, or going no-contact for the slightest reason. I haven't yet vocalised it but if one of my friends whinges about going low contact with her mum one more time I think I'll snap. I had to go into hospital for an op last year and struggled to work out who my next of kin is - no parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts or uncles. It's one of my distant cousins but I can't put them down as they don't know me, or what my last wishes are.

I don't feel resentful of them. I sometimes think that for those who are experience loss of a parent for the first time, I am someone who they can talk to who knows how they feel, but has processed to a point that I can talk about the feelings and the years after without getting emotional myself. I don't really think about that they had years more than I did. I guess I have always been someone who has just accepted the hand life has dealt them.

I lost my dad in my early 20s , before I had my kids and spent many years looking at what an absolute shitshow of a grandparent my FIL was ( MIL no better but at least they had one decent granny) and feeling that life was very unfair . That said my dad had a sudden and unexpected death which was preferable to the 6 months of misery my mum suffered .

I've always found it difficult, my mum died when I was 21 and although my Dad is still here at 78 we have never had a really close relationship.

When DH's gran died in her early 80's I'd known her for over 25 years and got on very well with her. I was sad but I don't think greff was anywhere near as bad, even though she'd been in my life longer then my own mum.

I feel that losing someone who is young, be it a parent, child or partner is way more difficult as you always feel that they have missed out on so much. My mum didn't see either of her children married or any of her grandchildren, she could have been the one enjoying the holidays my Dad now goes on with his current wife.

Of course losing anyone is sad, but at lest if they make it to old age you can feel they had a good number of years to enjoy life.

There are some very compassionate posts here and thank you - in particular this i’ve had 30 years as an adult with friends, family and acquaintances losing parents, nodding, sympathising with them. Helping with practicalities. While a small part of me is screaming what about me? Why couldn’t i have known my dad as an adult, why couldn’t he have stayed long enough to know my children. In some ways i would like to be grieving now as it would have meant another 40 years I think summarises how I feel

Yeah I get it. I lost my mum very young. She was wonderful.

I know exactly how you feel. I lost both my parents when I and they, were young and I can't help feeling resentful of all the years they have missed out on. FIL was 92 when he died and I'm afraid I couldn't get upset about it. I just thought of all the extra years he'd had that my beloved parents hadn't and I, personally, felt his funeral was more a celebration of a long life, well lived. However, dh, understandably, was and still is very upset at the loss of his dad. I just wish my own parents had lived into their 90s. Plus the fact that no one on dhs side ever mentions my parents as they died so long ago, it's as if they think I've never had parents. Saying that, I'd rather have had the parents I did have, as my mum and dad, even though they died young, rather than anyone else's parents as my parents, who would have lived longer (if that makes sense).

I’m always happy that other people have had their parents longer (I lost both mine by age 23), but it can also be hard now I’m in my fifties and friends are experiencing bereavement - they are rightly devastated but there’s a bit deep inside me that’s saying “you got to have them in your life for thirty years more!!”

I lost mine at 31 and 36. They were 57 and 65. I don't feel envious of my peers with parents alive now as they are all dealing with failing health and care needs. I felt massively angry at the time.

It’s a strange feeling. I lost my Mum in my 20’s, she was only in her 50’s. I’ve always thought I would be so lucky to get the chance to get old - she certainly didn’t.

My parents are still alive and I am late 40's. They had me very young, one is not very well these days and the other has already been though major illness. Added to that my only sibling has a life limiting condition meaning within 10 years I will likely lose them all.

We feel how we feel. I remember my own mum who lost her mum when she was in her late teens and her mum was only mid 40's said she resented really old people still being alive for a while afterwards, "why are they all still here and my mum is gone". Later when her father died in his 80's and my mum was herself much older she said she felt like that was worse in a sense because she was so used to her Dad being around and that when her mum had died she still had all of her life in front of her to fill that void and when her Dad died she was facing her own aging. I sometimes think about the losses I will go though in future and think to myself that I have all that hurt and pain ahead of me and others are already though it or I think about friends who have much older parents still alive and feel aggrieved that my parents will likely not live as long.

What I am trying to say is that feelings are feelings, they aren't rational they simply are. In addition I don't think there is any premium on grief or sadness its devastating whenever it happens although I do understand of the particular loss very young people experience when a parent dies.

Essentially its ok to feel the way you do, it isn't rational but they are just feelings.

It’s absolutely not the same experience as I still have one parent around, but I lost my first parent at the same age a lot of my peers were starting to lose their grandparents (mine were all long gone). The number of people who tried to equate the two made me angry.

Hi op, not both but my beautiful father who died when I was a young teenager. I am so resentful of other people having fathers, hate Father’s Day (dh kindly takes our kids out for a special lunch without me) and literally am not the person to ask for sympathy when your 89 year old dad dies after a long life meeting your other half and kids. I know this, so I don’t do anything other than sad noise, condolence, no offers to talk/support etc.

It’s a strange feeling. I lost my Mum in my 20’s, she was only in her 50’s. I’ve always thought I would be so lucky to get the chance to get old - she certainly didn’t.

Completely get you OP. I'm probably even worse in that while it is very sad for someone to lose a much loved parent in their 70s or beyond that's a pretty good innings and they've had a significant amount of time with that parent.

It's in no way being uncaring, people are allowed to be very, very sad regardless of a person's age (my beloved aunt died in her 90s and I'm still grieving years later). But I've comforted DH and friends through the loss of elderly parents and MIL through her DHs passing and while I'd never say a word it's really hard to sit there while they're talking about how sad and unexpected and tragic it is and I'm kinda thinking yeah imagine it happening when he was in his 30s.

I get it - my parents passed away in my 30s before I had children and many of my friends get to enjoy having time still with their parents and children. I would love to have had that

I lost both parents by the time I was in my late 20s. I’m also an only child and I don’t have much family now apart from dh/DCs and one branch of my mum’s family although they don’t live in the UK.

I’m envious of people who have big extended families as well as having their parents around. DH’s family is quite small too and his parents have now died. I never really gelled with them really, he’s got a few nice first cousins though! so I didn’t get the relationship w in-laws that might have compensated for losing my own parents. They were good grandparents though.

I know I would’ve found elder care hard , I saw what my mum had to do for my grandma and seen other people’s experiences have been traumatic. That’s the saving grace i suppose. Plus my dad and I had a complicated relationship and my life would’ve been v different if he hadn’t died when he did.

My beautiful friend has stage 4 cancer. Her DD is 14. My heart is completely and utterly broken for them. It’s so desperately unfair. No child should have to suffer the loss of their mum.
My heart goes out to you OP 💛