If you lost your parents young (before you turned 40, say) did you ever feel like this?

[followtheswallow]

I already know I’m going to explain this badly. Both my parents are dead. My mum died when I was still at school then my dad died when I was in my late 20s. I’m now 45, almost 46, so quite a while ago now.

My friends parents (and PIL) are probably going to start passing away in the next ten years and while of course I’m sorry for their losses there is part of me that feels resentful. FIL is currently undergoing tests - there’s nothing been established as ‘wrong’ yet.

I definitely don’t mean I want them to die! I suppose I just feel sad my own loss and grief has long been forgotten.

I know, I guess in their own way they think it’s a comfort but it’s quite disrespectful really. Sort of like me saying their 90 year old loved one who is still alive should be dead by now and even better if they had died at 40.

It’ll be funerals next, of course, and they will have every right to feel sad, but secretly I know I will be thinking that it’s not as sad as what I went through.
Nobody will know how I feel, it won’t occur to them, because they all forgot about my parents years ago this articulates my feelings well. Thank you and sorry for your loss

My parents had 7 grandchildren. My dad met one and my mum died when the second was a baby. They never met mine. They would have no idea where I live now as I lived elsewhere 40 years ago when I last saw them. If a medic asks me if there's a family history of something I have no idea...they were never the age I am now and I didn't care much about their ailments when I was in my twenties!
When someone tells me that a relative has died I try to say the right thing. It's difficult when someone says the wrong thing. But inside a little voice is muttering what about me.

My mum died when I was 23, she was 54 and yes that really resonates with me. I really struggle with it to the extent that not only am I envious of others who have had their parents for maybe 30-40 years longer than I did, but when I am really struggling I often find it hard to feel much sympathy. I keep it to myself of course and recognise it’s my issue but it’s born out of how difficult it was to lose my mum at that age. I look at my friends with parents and just feel such a sense of longing for what might have been and what she and I both missed out on.

the school gates and school things like nativity plays can both make me really sad.

I get what you mean. I struggle with this.

I have had people offload on me about their worries about losing their elderly parents, and I say sympathetic things and carefully arrange my face so they won't realise how much they've upset me. Inside, I just think why the fuck do you think I am the right person to dump this on when my parents died decades too early and you're decades older than me and still have two living parents!

I am still hurt and angry about all the shit uncaring selfish things people with parents have said to me over the years. It doesn't constantly consume me but sometimes the wound will be aggravated by something and all the pain rises up again.

People literally told me to get over it 6 months after my mum died in traumatic circumstances when I was 20. Then they expect me to listen to them sympathetically because they're worried about their elderly parents dying one day in the future. Sorry, but fuck that.

Sorry for all the swearing but I am having a horrible time and my grief wounds are definitely raw and painful at the moment

I’ve had many tragic deaths in my close family (babies, teens, mums with young dc) so when dh’s grandfather died age 78 it was sad but the natural order of things. Fil acted like it was such a tragedy and I found it hard to deal with. He’d never really experienced grief until that moment. I was respectful of his grief and didn’t share my inside thoughts as I felt I was probably being unfairly harsh. However, dh had been by my side for some of my losses and was aware of the others (like my identical twin) so it was him who articulated how I felt because he felt the same (only to me obviously).

slightly different to what you describe but I’d say your feelings are valid. Losing a parent young is rubbish.

Lost my mum at 11 when she was 42 (same age as me now). I remember feeling resentful of my peers and their parents a year after my mums death but now feel longing when I see people my age with their mums! I’ve always told friends to cherish their time with their parents- as I’ve got older, I feel I need my mum more than ever.

I think your feelings are normal. My mum was awful and is still alive. My dh was wonderful and died in his late 40s. I wish very much they'd had each other's life span.

I get it. My dad died when I was in my 30s and had been unwell for a number of years. So I wasn’t young but my dc were.

Yes, there have been times when I have felt resentful. My dad would have been a fantastic grandad and was so looking forward to life with his gc. I feel that my dc and him were robbed of what would have been a wonderful relationship.

It may not be reasonable but I feel the way I feel.

The other thing that really bugs me is that I really needed my mum and dad (especially my mum) when I was a young adult. I made some frankly fucking stupid life decisions around relationships, finances, and my career that have had long lasting ramifications, that I honestly don’t think I would have made if I’d had them around to give a bit of guidance. I also gave up opportunities because I had caring responsibilities. I’d absolutely do that caring again, but it makes me cross that whilst my friends were building careers I was working part time in a supermarket to fit in around caring for someone with cancer. And whilst I see being with someone when they are taking their last breath as an utter privilege, I wish to God I hadn’t had to have done it at 23.

I understand OP. I lost my Dad to Mesothelioma 3 years ago when I was 33. It's a cruel way to die and he was too young. I've had cancer myself since then and it's been hard not to feel resentful at times of people just getting on with their lives and living to a grand old age seemingly without health issues 💐

The opposite for me. I feel glad I don’t have to go through all the problems with aging parents and eventually bereavement because I already did the bereavement bit years ago.
I know someone who lost her young adult daughter in a car accident though so that puts things into perspective. She’s never got over it. That must be far worse - watching other people’s children grow up, find partners and have kids etc. I think you’d feel cheated for the rest of your life.

I lost my dad when I was in my 20s - I don't feel anything about anyone else's losses or otherwise, but I still every year on his birthday calculate how old he would be and how many years of having him around I have lost. He never even got to meet my dc, or see me do some of the things that he would have absolutely loved to do with me.

It's been 30 years and I still miss him so much. He was a shit dad, but he was a lovely man and I loved him.

I relate to so much of what I’ve read here. Thank you all for sharing your raw and painful feelings.

I lost my Mum and Dad when they were mid-60s and I was 35 (they died ten weeks apart). I felt completely rudderless. I still do really. My life feels separated into the before and after.

I’m sorry for all of your losses- especially those who lost parents in childhood, teens or 20s- I recognise that I got longer with my folks than you did with yours. My parents met my children- they got to be grandparents, albeit for a short time. DCs were 8 and 5 when they died and my youngest doesn’t really remember them (but sometimes pretends he does because he thinks it’s what I want to hear 😭).

When I hear about people dying in their 70s, 80s and beyond, I think they’ve had a very good innings and their funerals should generally be celebrations of their lives.

I sometimes wonder what it’s like to have elderly parents- mine never were. I even work PT with elderly people- because I feel I’m missing out on something. However, I’m grateful that I don’t have to worry about Alzheimer’s or care homes.

But overall I’m just angry. I’ve been angry since they died (menopause hasn’t helped with that to be fair!) In my most awful moments, I look at my FIL who is 82 and not especially nice and who hasn’t looked after himself (drinks too much, never exercises, smoked for decades) and I think it should have been him.

I don’t really mean that. But I feel it sometimes.

I have found real solidarity in this thread. Thank you OP for starting it and to all who have contributed. 💐

The other thing that really bugs me is that I really needed my mum and dad (especially my mum) when I was a young adult. I made some frankly fucking stupid life decisions around relationships, finances, and my career that have had long lasting ramifications, that I honestly don’t think I would have made if I’d had them around to give a bit of guidance.

@PauliesWalnuts i really identify with this. Having no guidance, no sounding board, no safety net and not being able to ‘go home’ was hard.

Sorry for your loss OP. I lost my parents in my 20s and 30s and it was awful at the time but now I feel luckier than my peers who are saying a long painful goodbye to their aged parents.

Both my partner and I lost our mums young. Our daughter has never had a grandma. We both feel really strange about friends who are in their 40s and who are now losing grandparents, when we don’t even have our mums. A strange feeling of envy and resentment which I feel bad about.

yes I do think my grief has been forgotten.

there’s no one left that knew him, apart from my mum, and she has never forgiven him for dying so rarely has anything good to say. I only just remember him, and my younger siblings don’t really at all.

there’s no one who knows what it was like, what we went through. Even at the time my grief was dismissed- children are resilient, they forget. My loss was all framed around my mums grief- I was old enough to help her out, to have “proper conversations” with- another “nearly adult” in the house for companionship. I was 11.

i don’t think anyone has ever acknowledged that. Even when I went off the rails a few years later it was “teenage hormones”. It didn’t occur to anyone that there may be underlying grief I hadn’t processed…

I absolutely get it OP even though I lost my parents my later than you did. I lost my mom when I was 43 and she was only 69, my dad passed away shortly after too. Where I currently reside, people live a very long age, a lot of them live over 90 and I definitely have difficulties empathizing with my colleagues and friends when they mention their parents getting old, sick or dying. I almost immediately count how many years longer they got to live compared to my parents, and it always hurts.😔

My mum died when I was 33 (my kids were 1 and 4) and dad when I was 41. A few peers grandparents died after that which felt very weird. I dont remember any of my gps, they all died before I was 3.

I feel more aggrieved for my dc not having grandparents for longer. Their older cousins had all 4 grandparents til they were in their 20s.

DH was nearly 60 before the first of his parents passed away

But in a lot of ways i do feel lucky in a way that I didnt see my mum deteriorate in old age. (She was paranoid about being old and losing dignity)

My father died when I was five and my mother died when I was twenty-six. No one in my group of friends experienced anything similar. My parents never met my children, were not available to share fun or to offer advice. I’m used to it now, but find those my age who take their lovely parents for granted very annoying. I don’t say anything. I am kind to them when their parents pass on. However, one moans on about being an “orphan” (her mother is still alive) and being cheated out of having her father around. I’m sure her feelings are genuine. But, Sweetie, who do you think you’re talking to? How about a little awareness of other people? I don’t say anything. But I want to.

I guess I see both sides

i remember when my grandad was very frail and elderly and my dad made a comment about how sad he felt seeing him like that and getting old is hard. My mum completely exploded at him because her parents had died young. She was clearly traumatised by losing her parents young but I do feel my dad wasn’t really ‘allowed’ to grieve his parents because they were old when they died and that’s not very fair

ultimately you can’t compare - it’s hard for the individual and it’s not a comparison. I get people say things that are insensitive - death is not an easy topic for a lot of people

I'm sorry for everyone on this thread’s losses

I lost my dad in 1987 when I was 5. Never known what it’s like to even have a dad. Mum is still with us but she changed the day he died. She’s had depression since he left us and she’s heavily relied on antidepressants up to this day.
We had to look after our young siblings, including our baby brother born the day after my dad died. We also had to learn to cook clean and feed ourselves as mum sat in a corner and just cried all day and night. She didn’t take us to school or anywhere. We had no extra family around us. We also got beat a lot for no reason by mum.

To this day mum is distant and shows no emotions. She’s always angry and depressed.

I guess this is all we have known. But our friends and their parents were so different to us. We’ve seen so many of our friends parents pass away and I speak for myself and my older sister - we don’t feel sadness because it’s a relationship we never had so we can’t feel the loss in it.

I know my circumstance is totally different to most people’s.

I lost one in my mid-20s and the other in my early 40s. My youngest missed out completely. And whilst the grandparents on the other side are good grandparents, they're very different to my parents. I feel family events are really one-sided now.

I am lucky in that my friends do talk about my parents and acknowledge I lost one, at least, at a young age. Both were sudden deaths so I do feel some relief that I never had to nurse parents through terminal illnesses. My partner still had one of his own grandparents alive when he was older than I was when my last parent died. I've just realised I've been parentless for almost a third of my life now.

So, yeah, lots of mixed feelings.