If you lost your parents young (before you turned 40, say) did you ever feel like this?

[followtheswallow]

I already know I’m going to explain this badly. Both my parents are dead. My mum died when I was still at school then my dad died when I was in my late 20s. I’m now 45, almost 46, so quite a while ago now.

My friends parents (and PIL) are probably going to start passing away in the next ten years and while of course I’m sorry for their losses there is part of me that feels resentful. FIL is currently undergoing tests - there’s nothing been established as ‘wrong’ yet.

I definitely don’t mean I want them to die! I suppose I just feel sad my own loss and grief has long been forgotten.

I have my parents but my dc are facing loosing their father quite soon (already exceeded the expectations) so I’m reading comments here to get insight to help them (I’m not with their father now). I want to ask him to write letters, make a video or something but can’t really as awkward. What would have helped you?

It's quite a relief to read this thread. I lost my dad when he was 62 and I was 32. It was a particularly bad time in my life to lose him and the shock of the loss brought on an illness that put me off work for a year. All the plans I'd made just went. I really resented my ILs and general old people (although 2 of my own GPs were still around), but I also resented my mum for a myriad of reasons.

I've had to be responsible for her in a way that wouldn't have happened had my dad not died and I really resent that, because she was never there for me prior to that.

People who haven't been through that experience tend to judge you for those feelings.

Yes I think that would be a good idea. For my 16th birthday my dad wrote me a nice letter giving some nice / funny stories etc he remembered from my childhood. This was done with us not knowing only a couple of years later he would be gone. Whilst it’s not often I read it, just knowing I still have it is comfort. When people ask “what item would you save if your house was on fire”…. that letter would be mine.

I actually feel almost grateful that I've already been through it and now my friends are worrying about declining health of parents etc, I don't have that worry. (Lost mine when i was 27 and 46)

@Bigviking You don’t need to feel bad about how you feel, but I know we beat ourselves up about it. But it’s a natural way to feel.

It really isn’t fair. I welled up when I read that your little girl had never had a grandma 😔

Yes, videos and letters would be precious, I’m sure.

Also, after he is gone, you could suggest to your DCs that they choose some of his clothes to keep- just everyday things like hoodies and socks. I have several items of my parents’ clothing which I just wear around the house/to sleep in etc. It’s such a little thing, but helps me feel connected to them.

I lost my mum when I was 26 and my sister 30. She was 60. My dad much later when he was 84. Both myself and my sister are very bitter about people having elderly parents and what we and our children missed out on. We have eachother so we don't question if if is normal but I definitely don't have time for people grieving grandparents and think how lucky they are to still have parents and losing grandparents is their only problem.

I don’t feel resentful as such, I have felt jealous and sad at times.

Both my best friend and my husband have aging parents and, certainly in the case of my friend, are starting to think about what’s next. I feel worried/ upset for them at the thought of what’s to come for them, and almost in a way a relief that absolutely worst bit is in the past for me - not that I’ve ever ‘got over’ it or stopped missing my parents, especially my mum. But that absolute hellish raw grief stage at least has passed. Certainly I look at my husband sometimes and think ‘fuck you really do have no idea what’s coming’ which is awful I know.

I do remember in the months and years after losing my mum feeling quite angry sometimes , seeing older people living their lives and thinking ‘why you and not her?’ And the closest thing I feel to resentful I feel is the frustration I feel when my in laws sometimes seem determined to be miserable and to not enjoy anything, and the slight distance they keep from DD. I just think god my mum would be squeezing every last drop of happiness and love and enjoyment out of life, she’d adore DD and just love her so hard, you could never keep her down and she really did make the most of life it seems to bloody unfair it was cut short.

It is hard.

To be honest, I am glad Mum didn't have a long illness - she would have been a very difficult patient. One of my friends,he's been dealing with his father in a care home, and that's hard in a different way. I don't miss Mum telling me I'm unlovable and haven't achieved much and all the other failings i have. But I do miss sometimes being able to talk about the garden or the Archers.

Dad I miss all the time, and there's lots I'd like to talk to him about.

It was particularly hard when friends were sad about their grandparents dying, and it is, but you know, that's a whole extra generation. And now we're in our 50s, their parents are starting to die off, and the friends back home, likely funerals in the same church as my parents, not quite sure how I will feel about that.

My sister works in property, and she sometimes feels a bit bitter about people inheriting a decent house from their parents or getting a handout. We had just enough to cover the funerals.

Sometimes, I'd like someone to look after me, care for me, tell me they love me - but then Mum didn't really do that when she was alive, either.

I did take my ex to "meet" them. I introduced him to their gravestones.

Oh, ho ho ho, I have felt like this for years. Yes, I lost them long before my peers. Even today, many years later, most of my friends still have their parents. When I lost mine, no one understood, no one gave a rat's furry arse, and I had barely a kind word from anyone. Some friends never spoke to me again. I compare all the time, to the extent that I add up how many parent-years others have had compared to me. It's fucked-up. Parent-years are how old you were when you lost each parent, and then add them together. So if you lost yours when you were 16 and 28, you had 44 parent-years.

I remain thoroughly bitter and twisted about it to this day. My friends' parents are now in their early eighties. I know one person who has lost their mother - just ONE! - and that lady lived to be ten years older than my mother was when she died.

It wouldn't hurt to make a pointed remark or two about your experience. Something like, "Yes, it's very hard when you lose your parents, especially when no one understands."

No advice, OP, just solidarity. When it's your tragedy no one gives a fuck, and then when it happens to others, it's the biggest show in town. 😡

I lost my mum when I was 20 and my dad when I was 30. I'm 68 now, so have felt like an orphan for a long time and that feeling is my norm. I feel bemused at people my age who still have parents. I cannot identify with them at all. But I'm not resentful.

I get it OP. I lost my dad very suddenly when I was nine and I feel like you do. I’m mid forties now and I didn’t really start grieving for him until a few years ago so I’m at the same stage as friends who have lost parents more recently but my feelings aren’t recognised as grief and it hurts.

I have felt quite jealous of people having involved parents. I burst into tears in John Lewis once as a proud granny was buying all this baby paraphernalia with her dd and I suddenly missed having a mum.

Also my parents would have been so proud of my dcs - but the pil who trundled on till their 90s couldn’t have picked them out in a line-up. They were skinflints and very self-involved.

otoh on the plus side I have no elderly parents to worry about. The best of parents can become real pain in the arses so I guess that’s a win.

Its weird how some unexpected things can catch you off guard. Years after my.mum died and I felt I had got used to life without her, I saw my neighbour just walking back from school drop off chatting with her mum. It unexpectedly upset me so much I had to walk really really slowly so I would not meet them because I knew if I was required to say hello or make pleasantries, I would burst into tears.
And getting DDs prom dress made me sad that she had neither grandmother to see it and feel proud. DS has passed many mile stones without either gp on my side.

A few years ago I was in a hotel about the end of January and there was a group of women having afternoon tea..granny daughters and granddaughters. My granny died before I was born and my mother died before my daughters were born. I spent an hour giving those women dirty looks!
A young colleague of my husband has just lost his sister to cancer. She had 2 young daughters. It is really awful to be in this club. The people who know what it's like.

I know my husband definitely feels like this. His dad had him at 19 and died last year aged 51. He finds it very hard that some people have their parents for much longer whilst his dad didn’t get to retire, see us buy a house, have a baby etc

Thank you for sharing your stories. DH lost his dad aged 22 (his Dad was in his late 70s) and I never know how to talk about it with him. I do ask him questions about what he was like so our DC can hear about him. There's no videos and not many photos (was divorced from MIL for a long time).

I didnt lose my parents young but my dp did and sometimes I think the support offered to us was quite different.

By my age people around me have experienced it a bit more and people are more helpful, sympathetic and hold it in mind a bit more.

Dp was the only one going through it when they did, close friends had very limited experience and didn't really know what to do with it

Having gone through the experience sometimes I now cringe and things I did or didnt do for friends when I was younger

I understand OP.

I lost both my parents when I was in my early 30s and my children were babies at the time.

I miss being someone's daughter.

I have missed out on being their daughter, my children have missed out on having them as grandparents (they'd have been bloody brilliant), our family has missed out on precious precious time together. I am still furious and it's been over 20 years.

Kind of…

I lost my mum suddenly as a teen. I found it hard to watch other women with their sisters, mums and grandmas. I have none of these, and not had since I was a teen. I am the last female blood relative in my family.

I find it hard to listen to my elderly father (been married twice, got really nice life, never been ill, more extended and step family than anyone I know) and to my elderly PIL (villa overseas, good health, 3 cruises a year) when they moan about their health and their lot. I have zero empathy for them.

I also find it hard to muster up compassion for people who lose a relative to very old age.

Not saying I’m cold hearted, just that I can’t feel sorry for these people. I have bags of compassion but I save it for those most down on their luck.

I’m also acutely aware of being young, without a rudder, money and scared of the future. Because of this I absolutely refuse to do any elderly care because they’ve had it so cushy and will direct all my resources to help the younger generation in our family, mostly my DC.

a plus side to your parents dying young?

I would rather have them here and elderly than dead before they got chance to live.

i am 5 years older now than my dad was when he died. The thought of missing out on my kids lives fills me with horror. I’ll quite happily have a few twilight years in return.

i actually find it quite difficult that some people seem to find it preferable their parents die than have to deal with them in old age.

I have no idea about elderly parents...mil is in a home but she and fil were never very parental to me!
I found becoming a granny hard. I had to work out what a granny does. Dh couldn't understand that.

@Notmeagain12, I can’t speak for others, only myself.

I don’t believe anyone has said that it’s preferable for their parents to die young.

Just that it happens, and you can’t change it. And one tiny benefit is that you don’t have the stress and worry of looking after elderly parents. And I don’t mean hassle- I mean real stress- the type that can negatively impact relationships and health.

I haven’t had my parents for nearly 15 years and have now reached an age where many of my friends are dealing with ailing parents and the difficulties of organising care. (Very often whilst also dealing with the menopause and late teenage children on top of work- it’s the perfect storm and these sorts of circumstances lead many middle aged women into stress, depression, anxiety and so on.)

So whilst I absolutely wish my parents were still here (and would do whatever I could to support them in old age), I also recognise that I have one fewer stressors than most of my friends, which is just as well as I’m only just about managing to spin the plates I’ve already got.

Yes I feel relief too, it’s my brain giving me a silver lining. I won’t have the tussle between teenage kids, aging parents and life stresses.

No, it’s trying to find positives in a horrible situation. How else would we cope.