If you lost your parents young (before you turned 40, say) did you ever feel like this?

[followtheswallow]

I already know I’m going to explain this badly. Both my parents are dead. My mum died when I was still at school then my dad died when I was in my late 20s. I’m now 45, almost 46, so quite a while ago now.

My friends parents (and PIL) are probably going to start passing away in the next ten years and while of course I’m sorry for their losses there is part of me that feels resentful. FIL is currently undergoing tests - there’s nothing been established as ‘wrong’ yet.

I definitely don’t mean I want them to die! I suppose I just feel sad my own loss and grief has long been forgotten.

I do understand what others mean but I do also think it’s a very crass thing to say.

I think the problem is that for many of us we didn’t lose parents on the cusp of becoming elderly, they were fairly young people. My mum was fifty two. I’m forty five now - the thought that I might only have six / seven more years with my children (my youngest is two!) is so upsetting.

The really sad thing is I never got to know my mum as the lovely woman by all accounts she was because (ironically!) she was caring for her elderly parents and stressed and overwhelmed with it!

I'm slightly older than you OP, at 45. I lost my dad a few weeks ago. The last several years have been tough. He was bed bound, carers 4 x a day, and in poor health. I'm sad that's he's gone but there is also relief that he is no longer suffering. And he was suffering.

My mum is now 79 and also in poor health. But she won't accept any help. Which is hard work in its self. I'll text to ask how she is, she'll reply she's not been well, but must try and make it to the shop. So I say I'll come down and take you. Then she'll say no, I'll try and get the bus. So we go around in circles. Then I'll go down and she'll already have been to the shop. Or she'll text me and say she has an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow but I don't know how I'll get there. And I'll say you've left it too late I can't book time off work at that short notice, and she knows this. it's hard bloody work.

It's blindingly obvious to me that OF COURSE she would rather her parents were here, but that she's looking at the silver lining.

You clearly know absolutely nothing about grief for a parent.

It would be a shame if a supportive thread turned argumentative.

I'm so sorry that your DC are going to be losing their father; that's terrible. If he feels up to it, he should definitely write them some life advice and make some videos.

Yes. Hopefully no more people will call a grief reaction disturbing and judge them for their feelings.

That’s a bit weird OP, I can’t imagine feeling annoyed that my teenage grief will be somehow eclipsed by my partner losing their parent as an adult. As it was I felt a stronger connection because they knew I already understood their grief and more included (which I accept is also a bit weird, but they knew I got it). I would never wish grief on anybody I can’t bring myself to be annoyed / mad that they had someone for longer, it doesn’t make the grief any less painful.
Maybe my friends are more compassionate, I’ve been upset around them over the loss of my mother 35 years ago and no one has ever minimised it. They’ve often recognised their own fresh grief triggers my old lived with grief.
I guess I’m pragmatic by nature and I don’t wish to minimise your grief either but I don’t feel it does me any good to hold onto resentment at what has happened in my life. Sometimes it’s shit, sometimes it isn’t, I’m not going to let it define me.

@hahabahbag I would give my eye teeth for a video of my mum, her voice, her smile, I don’t remember her voice, how she behaved how she moved. I’ve got photos but it’s not the same. (She died early 90’s and we weren’t video camera people). Something where he expresses his love, something where he maybe talks about his childhood, positive stuff, what he hopes for them perhaps although that feels weighted, but something. I have nothing beyond possessions and deeply wish I had something more personal.

Whilst ive missed out on a lot with my mum, im grateful she got to see me get married and have kids, I do feel thankful that ive not had to deal with a parent with dementia for example. Not because its a hassle but that it is usually quite traumatising, and painful for both the person affected and their family. You essentially lose the person you knew, and some aspects are quite undignified for the patient.

My dad was unable to see, speak or move in the last weeks of his life, but it was a very fast moving cancer from which he died. Would I have rather have prolonged that end? No, absolutely not, however much i miss him

i don’t feel resentful towards others but i do feel that losing a parent as a child is so much worse than as an adult so i don’t really compare the two scenarios.

I’m not yet 40 so it’s interesting that you would still consider me young to lose a parent (based on thread title). if my remaining parent, who is in their 70s, died tomorrow I would consider myself lucky that ive had them this long. They’ve seen me get married, they know my children, I have launched into the world and am operating fully independently from them. That’s a good innings from my perspective.

Maybe read my posts before you declare I know nothing about grief.

and yes, i would absolutely rather my parent still be here, even if it meant I was dealing with his old age. I would rather that than what I went through as a child.

not all elderly are decrepit either which seems to be the narrative here.

actually, I’m really pissed off now that you would dismiss my grief so easily on this thread of all places.

i had enough of that as a child.

when you have walked in my shoes then you can tell me how I clearly know nothing about grief. Until then, keep it to yourself. I’ve had a lifetime of people telling me my feelings and my grief don’t matter or aren’t real.

i’m sick of not being allowed to express my feelings because other people might be upset or uncomfortable.

I’m not annoyed at all. I’m sad, and I’m again realising that a huge gulf between me and my peers exists.

How anyone can read this thread and reply with ‘That’s a bit weird’ I don’t know. I don’t normally take offence but what a horrible response.

Have you ever considered that perhaps the reason you don't feel anger or frustration is because nobody has ever minimised your loss or your pain? Do you think those two things could possibly be connected somehow?

In the way that you've just minimised the grief of so many people on this thread, ironically.

I miss my mum and at 60, she was robbed. But she was very fearful of dementia, so I don't envy my friends that trauma.

Gosh it is such a relief to read this thread. My dad died 5 years ago when I was 33. He lived to 87 though, so although I was young, he wasn’t. Some of my friends dads are still working full time. They also have loads of family around them. I have my mum, a cousin and an uncle and aunt 200 miles away. As my friend said “it must be hard for you with hardly any family”. But yes I find the whole thing hard but I’ve never admitted it out loud before. My exh said he “knew how it felt” when my dad died cos his grandparents died a few years prior! Hardly the same. My now ex mil used to go on and on about how she missed her parents when my dad became unwell but she was well over 50 when her own parents died. They were very involved too. I wanted to shake her and tell her she was so bloody lucky. Again yes I know that’s unreasonable.

@followtheswallow
my apologies. I have expressed myself badly and yes as @decorationday pointed out I have possibly been lucky in how my grief has been handled by others.
I am genuinely sorry I did not intend to minimise your feelings or offend I wrote a stream of consciousness without considering how it would come across in the written word.
Everyone grieves differently and my poorly worded response did not reflect this fact, one that I am usually much less ham fisted at expressing.
Again my apologies for an ill thought out response and causing you unnecessary distress.

My mum wrote to me weekly at uni (before email and mobile phones) and they were all about mundane life at home on the surface. But I read them now and there is love in every line. That’s also what I’d go into a burning building to retrieve.

That is a really lovely post and it takes real integrity to do that. I really appreciate it.

I imagine a lot of us who lost mothers as teenage girls can relate that you were seen as the ‘mum’ of the house and responsible for my dad’s grief and managing it. ‘How’s your dad?’ was often heard. I hardly ever heard ‘how are you’ and to be fair I’m not sure what I’d have said anyway. It’s a funny thing as it tends to come out years later. When I was at university we read a poem that really upset me and I started crying. Everyone understandably was very concerned and I choked out ‘my mum died!’ Naturally everyone thought I meant recently and I was too embarrassed to say it was some five years ago!

Funny you say that OP, but I remember when my mum was ill and all anybody ever asked was how was my Dad! It’s like they don’t realise you’re hurting too. Or rather they’re scared of your potentially emotional response so avoid asking the question. I’ve made it a personal policy ever since that when I encounter young people who’s parent is seriously ill to ask how they are doing and express to them that they are allowed to be pissed off and angry at the world because it is deeply unfair.
The irony of you guys pulling me up, deservedly, is that I do realise on reflection that I get very resentful of there being support available for children today, I certainly don’t begrudge them it but I hate the fact that we just had to get on with it. For good or ill.
I’ve asked for my original post to be deleted so you don’t have to see it on your thread (not sure if it will go or not).

So sorry you feel like this. We are old parents with an only, this is only genuine concern for him.
It's unlikely either of us will be around when he is in his 40s. He also may have to deal with very young children and elderly, infirm parents.

I don’t think you can compare grief op. You don’t know how they feel either.
It’s not helpful to you.
Have you considered bereavement counselling? My Mum has found it incredibly helpful after losing my Dad whom she had been with for 68 years 💖

It’s not about comparing grief.

it’s about losing a parent young and not having the impact of that acknowledged. Then it gets to a point, as o/p says, where you almost feel embarrassed mentioning it as it was so long ago and you should be over it. “Time heals” is an often used phrase toward the grieving.

I probably would benefit from counselling. But a lifetime of people minimising my grief, or ignoring the impact it had on me, not even acknowledging it, I am so used to pasting on a smile and pretending it was no big deal that why would a counsellor be any different. They’ll probably think I’m odd still harping on a death that happened 40 years ago.

add to that it was a traumatic death. I was present. I was not old enough and didn’t know about CPR. I don’t want to relive that and the “what if’s”.

I lost my dad a few years ago, when I was late 30s. We were very close, and there was a long illness involved and the final stretch of 6 months was awful just watching a formerly fit, healthy man deteriorate.

I am incredibly jealous of people who still have their dads.

My dad adored my young kids, he loved being a grandad.

After dropping them at school the other day I saw a grandad walking along the road to school with one kid running along beside him and another on his shoulders.

It knocked all the wind out me as the reality of what my kids have lost was once again shoved in my face.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over it to be honest. It’s been a few years now and I’m happy and doing well, but it’s cast a huge shadow on my life.

I tell myself how lucky I am that I had such a great dad until I was 39 (I know many, like you @followtheswallowlost them so much younger), but I just miss him and I’m devastated the kids are missing out so much.

I’m not happy when a friends parent dies. But there is a part of me that feels not so alone when it happens. And I’m not proud of that. But I hate to think of my dad being the only one who’s missing out. Misery likes company, I suppose.

Yes it is normal, I’m lucky my mum is still around but I am only in my early 30s. But my dad died when I was in my early 20s and I can’t help but feel resentful either. And how devastated people are and shocked when their 80/90 year old grandparents die and I just sit there like, really?