If you’re grieving, what has made the process even more difficult?

[Repeatinaboat]

A thread for a space to share / vent / howl into the abyss. For me it’s the way certain relatives are behaving. It’s breaking me.

My sister is making everything so much harder. Urrrrrrgggggggghhh.

Having the same issue, arguments over my mother's remains would you believe.
Mainly though I just can't get peace to grieve. My neighbours have been having work done, my ds is always home and I'm back at work (very recent bereavement).
I just want to lay in bed and cry for a couple of days but I can't.

The way society in general views grief, like it has a start and end date. It doesn’t work like that. The expectations of how you are supposed to live and behave after bereavement. I just can’t do it. I can’t fit the preconceived model.

Currys - a stupid washing machine which dh bought is broken - apparently as he's dead they can't deal with me.

So I've been impersonating my dead husband to try and get a repair sorted, until I found i DO have legal rights to represent him. I will never buy anything from them again.

I won't go into my in-laws as I literally do not have the strength.

Oh and so called friends who hit on you a year later "out of respect", I thought it was complete nonsense that anyone would be that crass, but no!, and them being married doesn't give them pause either 🤬

Year two is actually harder than year one, that I didn't believe either - but here we are.

My so called best friend ditching me.

A selfish, self centered bastard of a husband, so he had to go and I've been really happily with my 2nd very kind and supportive DH for 17 years. He got me through 2 horrendous deaths whereby my first pushed me to a mental breakdown by saying I was such a drama queen. My parent had died suddenly and once he thought I should be back to doing everything he started being nasty. Now I don't have anyone in my life who causes real problems or toxicity.

Mine too. She is a nurse in an end of life hospice and thinks she knows everything about dying.

She constantly tells me to get over it, that I’m not the only one who has lost someone (she’s single) and is just hard.

My husband of 37 years died two years ago and I mostly cope ok but she makes everything worse, so I can’t talk to her anymore. It’s really sad, on top of sadness.

I've always found other people telling me how I feel to be incredibly irritating and infantalising, but when you're grieving some people see that as a license! Or trying to create grief drama where there is none. Or treating me as a delicate little flower when I'm ready to crack on with life. Basically just being treated like I don't know what's going on in my head. Just fuck off!

The DWP. Letter after bloody letter. Finally got one saying ‘you owe us nothing’. 9 months later another letter ‘you owe us x hundreds of £’ (‘you’ being my late sisters estate) at which point I told them (politely) to fuck off.

My boss saying to my colleague, "Why is SundayBells still miserable? It's been two weeks now" after my friend died suddenly in her early thirties leaving two small children.

I never forgave him and after I'd got my life back together again I made finding a new job my first task.

💐 to all going through this. I’m reaching screaming point at the lack of empathy and feel like I’m going crazy with the amount of blindsiding and pressure. I don’t know how to process the unnecessary hurt from those I love. I don’t know how to talk to them about it - it’s so much more hurtful when you tell someone what you’re finding difficult/hurtful and then they repeat it. I ended up losing it when one phoned to wish me happy birthday - it’s like I’m not allowed to say if behaviour is hurtful or ask for any deviance from a plan made without my input - it’s ignored.

@Repeatinaboat I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's bloody hard.

Having to deal with everyone else's grief as well as my own. When my mum passed 3 years ago it was dealing with my dad, then my sons then finally me. I would find myself crying as I was cooking dinner or doing the cleaning.
Sending hugs to everyone going through this. No words, just the biggest of hugs x 🙏💐🫂

A cold, unsupportive partner who expected me to just carry on as normal as if nothing had happened.

My darling, beloved daughter died totally unexpectedly aged 24 in October. 16 weeks on we still have not had the post mortem results. It’s a daily torment.

Well meaning, but misguided friends who compare my loss to their loss of parents and even grandparents and tell me time will heal. it won’t. I’ll never be “better”.

Our inability to get access to our daughter’s digital artwork on procreate because we don’t know the password for her iPad.

Having to deal with all the admin related to her student loan and Teachers pension. Seeing her projected pension date so far into the future and thinking of all those lost years totally undid me.

Remembering the faces of the idiot police officers who came to the house to tell me my daughter was dead. They were fucking useless and not fit for purpose.

Love and prayers to all who are suffering.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce I’m so sorry.

Sending love ❤️@LadyMacbethWasFierce

I was in a similar situation. Oldest child and oldest blood relative when Mum died.

We all grieve in our own way though. Throughout the aftermath of Mums death, talking with funeral director and celebrent, and the actual funeral, much more than half my mind was on Sister, my adult child my sister's two adult children. I actually found it helpful at the time. Of course I see now that I was just postponing the grief, not escaping it. The first anniversary of Mums death seemed to hit me much harder than others in my family.

As I said, we all grieve in our own particular way and no one should try to impose their way on someone else.

DS’s partner cutting us off from her son, slowly but surely. Always an excuse, they’re busy, he hadn’t looked at his phone, they’re ill. My parents have lost their daughter and now their grandson.

Sorry for your loss everyone. For me it was ExH’s behaviour the night before the funeral. I wanted to travel to be with my Dad and he/second Wife refused to have our DC’s as it was ‘my night’. So I did the school run then drove over 100 miles up the motorway on the morning of the funeral, meeting my grieving Dad at the church (thankfully DB was with him). I had to drive back for school pick up. After the funeral of my own mother.
She was ill for years with a degenerative disease and when she finally passed there were lots of complicated emotions. Some people expected me to be fine.
Never forgiven him. He’s not as bad and we coparent well now he’s divorced from the nightmare second wife. Not sure I properly grieved and the lead up to Mother’s Day every year is never a pleasant time.

😱

The fact that after a month my manager read the occupational report which said I was going the the process normally and didn’t need therapy - to which he said I needed therapy 🙈

just wanted to be left alone and not badgered every few days to having counselling, which was difficult.

it wasn’t affecting my work, it wasn’t affecting my colleagues

My useless siblings. They did nothing. One even lived in the same town as my Mum. I lived 4 hours away by public transport. Never helped with a thing. I remember the pure anger I felt towards them when I sold and cleared a three bed house alone. They quite happily took their 67K each 6 months later though.

Yes this is bloody awful. Fucking vultures.

My Dad died at 72. He never claimed benefits and didn't exactly draw his pensions for decades and decades like some people do. Yet the grabby bastards are quibbling over a £110 overpayment of attendance allowance, when he only received that for 5 weeks anyway, because his useless GP only referred him for diagnostic tests when he was showing signs of advanced cancer and was wasting away.

Please tell me how exactly you told them to fuck off, as I'm sure they will fuck up and come after me for the money as they say they will. I have paid them, but you know how massively incompetent they become at these times. 🙂

Dealing with utilities and the DVLA has been horrendous. They supposedly have trained bereavement staff but they are completely useless.

For example, I informed the water company and told them the direct debit could continue out of our joint bills account, the only difference being the account was now just in my name. A week later I got a letter saying my account with them was now closed and I got a final bill. End of. A few days later I got another letter saying welcome to your new home.