If you’re grieving, what has made the process even more difficult?

[Repeatinaboat]

A thread for a space to share / vent / howl into the abyss. For me it’s the way certain relatives are behaving. It’s breaking me.

The kindest, loveliest, most sympathetic friend of mine after my Mum died was killed six months later in a horrific car crash. DH has never, ever been bereaved. His grandparents all died when he was small or before he was born, and none of his friends have died. His parents are in their late 80s and still going strong. He has no idea of the grief, trauma and sentiments, and can’t empathise. He told me when my Dad died to “get a fucking grip.” When his Mum dies I’m going to be just as unhelpful and unsympathetic as he has been to me.

I’m so sorry for everyone on here. Some of these stories are truly shocking.

That's awful. I'm so sorry. 💐xx

It’s been a year today since my dad died and I started to use this particular part of mn. I’ve learnt a lot in that time, not least of all about the whole process of repatriating the body back to the U.K. That company sent me those forms to complete the night he died and I had to submit them vis email. It all seemed very unreal and impersonal. I could not use the tell us once service as he died abroad.

His funeral took place last June.

A special place in hell is reserved for the HMRC who told us that we owed the grand sum of £56 as he died a few days into the tax year. Another mention goes to Halifax HBOS who put us three in a room to have a teams call with a woman who was having problems her end with her headset. I left said room and fetched one of their staff to see this debacle at first hand and she said it was unacceptable. My mum was in tears and all that for the sake of trying to pay off the little that he owed.

Some organisations deserve my praise.
The British consulate was a great help to my mother in sorting out the paperwork legalities and I remain grateful for the time they spent with her and the Spanish authorities.

DWP were far nicer to deal with overall, maybe I got lucky with the person I spoke to because he was kind and patient.

We were also lucky re the bank and they were very helpful to my mother too.

I would advise all people with Apple phones to establish a legacy contact on their phone via settings.

And turnips I am so very sorry to read of your friend 💐.

Is your h that uncaring with you day to day also?.

Step siblings who don’t like the fact that I’m the executor, and that I was NOK. They are making sorting out the house etc very difficult.

No, he’s not. He just seems incapable of understanding bereavement. He wouldn’t even go to my friend’s funeral with me on the grounds that he “didn’t know him that well.” I ended up going with a mutual friend, which helped.

My brother-in-law. What he did was actually in some ways worse than my husband’s death, which is going some. The saving grace is that I do know and can see that he was grieving terribly himself. I think that I have forgiven him and then it bubbles up again. Tbh I’m not sure what forgiving him would look like, I expect that we’ll never speak again. It’s extremely painful and means both ds and I have lost a whole chunk of our family. I feel bitter that my apparently unacceptable behaviour and uselessness didn’t in any way mean that they lifted a finger to support ds, who after all was left with me 24/7.

I feel very lucky that coroners, banks, HMRC etc have all been exceptionally good for every death in my case. I had one particular call with an HMRC person on the bereavement team after my mum died who cancelled the tax return fine, told me all the numbers to write down on everything and just fixed a lot of stuff. I wish that there was more recognition of what a difference people like that make. But I suppose he will be promoted or leave very quickly.

I also had many wonderful friends. They were just themselves, listened to me, and stayed in touch. Some were clearly very scared and I appreciated them doing what wasn’t easy for them to help me.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that's shocking of Halifax although it doesn’t surprise me. After informing utilities of my DM we’ve had brand new letters addressed to her saying we hear you’ve moved - welcome to your new address?? It’s mind boggling to think they don’t have systems in place to deal with a change in circumstances as bloody frequent & universal as death??

Interested in your suggestion of setting up a legacy contact on iPhone. Does it mean a loved one cld access passwords & photos etc? Good old Apple sound like they’re on the case. I haven’t done this but will so thanku (if that’s what it is).

I have started replying several times on this thread. I’ve lost a couple as it takes me to an edit screen but then doesn’t post, lost one through going on a tangent to thank a friend, lost a couple as didn’t have personal bandwidth to continue. I reading them all and wish that things were easier for you all or I had something useful to say. There are heartbreaking posts.

Also to the PP who asked how people can help - checking in, acceptance, taking some of the cognitive load of asking for help (described really well by another poster). It made me think of a childfree friend who had offered to babysit my two babies and I took her up on it, but she couldn’t do the day I needed to do a specific thing (she offered others). I thanked her and said not to worry. Five minutes later I had a text from a mutual friend with an offer on the day and time I needed. It sounds silly, but her organising that meant more than the actual babysitting. That was one of the replies on here that I accidentally swiped off as thought I’d tell my friend how much that had meant (emotions are a bit amok at the moment), especially in the face of so much current unecessary shit behaviour. Thank you for asking for ways to make it easier.

People who are not your friend but artificially want to pretend they care. My boss who was not caring at all when my dad died, suddenly on my first day back at work came running up to me with her arms out stretched out. My friend who saw this car crash coming tried to head it off at the pass saying “ I don’t think that’s a good……..”Too late. I had to make an instant decision, punch her ( which was my first choice) or just burst into tears. I decided crying wouldn’t get me sacked but I didn’t really want to start incase I couldn’t stop. I decided crying and hope for the best . I coped but I never felt the same way about her.

@Sheepshake when we knew my DH was terminal, he gave me his password and I put my finger print on as well. That gave me access to his password manager which was a godsend. It’s also meant I can keep his phone as it was.
For me, my executor and power of attorney holder (best friend) knows where my safe is and that has all the info she needs to access my phone. As she lives across country she isn’t about to get up to anything nefarious.
Iy works for both of us.

When my dad died, my mum took his death certificate to all the appropriate banks etc to notify them of his death. About 2 months after all the administration had been completed, she was beginning to relax about letters coming still with his name, when a letter arrived from the building society and the envelope was addressed to Mr Ahwig Deceased. . This upset my mum so much and I wasn’t much better. I did go down there the following day when I had calmed down a little. I asked to speak to the manager, who did eventually come out. His response was, oh yes they were sorry but the letters weren’t sent out automatically from the computer and there was nothing they could do about it. My response was the first time EVER that happened , that excuse might have worked but they know it happens and they didn’t fix it. My mum did get a bouquet of flowers from the company but we all changed our banks to one that was a little more sensitive.

My dh lost his son 2 years ago, dss had not long turned 16. For him, family seeming to think that he should just get over it, that he can't change the fact his ds is dead so he should just move on and act like dss never existed.

I hadn't known dss long, we were close but not we never had a "step" relationship. I was only ever a friend and another safe adult in his life. I haven't yet grieved. Too busy keeping dh afloat. I dread when it hits!

My sister has made everything so much worse, but it is so blatant it almost feels more manageable. It is the friends and relatives who have not got it, not checked in, disappeared, made assumptions.
One turned up at the memorial with their new boyfriend even though she was asked not to bring him .Those are the ones that I dwell on.A very close cousin (and a relative of the person I lost) who has acted like nothing has happened except to ask if her mum can come to the funeral (totally inappropriate- she didn't know him) and hasn't messaged since (it's been almost 5 months).I'm really hurt by it and feel so angry towards her.
The funeral directors were the best though.Honestly don't know how I would have got through the arrangements and day if they hadn't been so good.Friends that have checked in and taken whatever approach I need that day.

Sadly, for me it is my other siblings following my sister's death. Particularly my brother. I know he is grieving but the way he has behaved has made everything much worse and, even worse, made it worse for her children. I am finding it difficult to forgive.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter x

I’m so sorry for your losses.

Family drama during grief is genuinely one of the worst parts. You’re already exhausted emotionally then suddenly people start acting selfish, weird about money, disappearing, or making everything about themselves. Loss really exposes people fast.

This is true. It’s like a second grief process.

My brother.

My dad had a stroke and my brother and his wife were travelling to see him in hospital.

They live in Cornwall, I live in Wolverhampton, I asked if they could give me a lift (I don't have a car) but "no that would take at lest half an hour". I was intending to stay in my dad's house but apparently that was not an option either.

So when Dad died a few days later I hadn't seen him.

I found out later that several relatives were there, but not me. At some point it must have become obvious he wasn't going to get better and relatives were called.

I was getting updates from my dad's next door neighbour, I am grateful for that but it should not have been up to her to contact me.

I'm disabled and, at the time. living on benefits, there is a procedure where you can ask Universal Credit for a loan to cover the funeral expenses (to be paid back from the estate) and a grant to travel to the funeral. But my brother would not let me do that, he registered the death and applied for probate.

Thankfully I have a credit card so I could use that to pay for my train ticket and hotel.

My dad never asked for much, but one thing he did want was that once he was cremated he wanted his ashes to be buried with my mum's. He said he didn't mind where just as long as they were buried together.

I suggested that we asked Mum's sisters about it but that lead to my brother flouncing as he has, "Done enough organising and driving".

One thing did amuse me. The funeral was on a Friday in Lent, it was in an RC church and the food was in the parochial house. My brother organised the food, and completely forgot that in Lent RCs don't eat meat on a Friday.

So I have arranged for the burial of ashes, paid for the plot and will be joined by my dad's brothers and their wives.

My only sibling put me through hell. He caused me so much stress with the stuff he got up to that I had terrible anxiety and had to have counselling. Once the legal side of things was sorted, I completely cut him out of my life and feel much better for it. Many things I will never ever forgive him for, one being how what he was doing stopped me from being able to grieve properly.

Oh and during an earlier period of grief, my ex husband had an affair.

Being honest, even years later, I still don’t feel
like I’ve dealt with my grief in both situations really because of these 2.

My housing (and general life) situation is making my grief much harder. I lost my beloved dad almost 7 months ago (7 months tomorrow) and I really need to be alone a lot. I'm extra sensitive to things people say, and feel extremely anxious much of the time in crowds etc.
I've got an unusual housing situation. I rent cheaply as the house is sort of derelict, but I'm not there much, as I do loads of house and dog/cat sitting. As well as other temp work. So I refer to said derelict place as 'base camp' rather than home. But, nonetheless, having a peaceful (albeit in a state of disrepair) retreat between jobs, has been invaluable. I decided it was a trade-off; that I coped with disrepair and building stuff around, in exchange for very cheap rent. For similar rent, I'd be looking at a house share, which wouldn't suit me at all.
But, my landlord (whom I knew before I rented from him) is not the most thoughtful, and decided to have his friend who does building type work, stay over without explaining it to me in advance, very soon after the funeral. But, he only stayed now & then. Then one day about a month ago, I got back from being away, and to my shock, the kitchen was full of the builder man's stuff, and lots of my stuff moved etc. It turns out he'd actually moved in, whilst Airbnb-ing his place out, and neither of them thought to tell me in advance. It was quite bizarre, and I think I had a little panic attack. For, me as a woman alone, to suddenly find myself sharing with a man I don't know well, and didn't choose to live with, is very alarming. Also, he's living rent-free, and I've paid so much rent over the last six years or so. So, that very day, I called a storage unit place, went to look at it, and paid the first month that same day. My thought being to just get my stuff out, then I could quickly move out once I find an alternative. But, I've got nowhere to go. Rent's around here, for anywhere normal, are insane. I can't afford them, unless I increase my income, and I can't immediately do that, it takes steps. But, I now dread going back to 'base camp' and the two thoughtless men. I'm on the brink of homelessness, thinking of taking off to Scotland, where it's legal to wild camp, and be alone with nature for a while, whilst I decide what to do next.
I miss my dad so much. I long to be with him again. There was a safety with my dad, and my visits to help look after him; and the fact I currently feel so unsafe and vulnerable, is compounding the loss massively.
I've got a history of mental illness, and honestly feel I'm at a precipice at the moment. I don't know what to do 😥

Edited to say thank you for this thread OP. It's helpful just writing it down...