If you’re grieving, what has made the process even more difficult?

[Repeatinaboat]

A thread for a space to share / vent / howl into the abyss. For me it’s the way certain relatives are behaving. It’s breaking me.

Banks. Stupid fucking banks with their stupid fucking processes that were written down once by a moron and never actually checked with real human people who have lost a loved one. They ticked the box and moved on to pasting bullshit all over their websites about how fandabbydozy they are at bereavement.

EDIT: Why am I being nice? It was Lloyds. Absolute shower of shit from start to finish.

Finding my brother dead and then having to deal with my (his) mother, who was estranged, suddenly wanting the money from his estate.

Being diagnosed with breast cancer only four weeks after my mother died…

People just forgetting that my teenage daughter might still be struggling 5 years later with the death of her beloved uncle to suicide and not keep asking ‘are you over that patch now?’ or ‘what caused that then?’ ( mainly my husband’s side of the family tbh).

@Urgentbiscuitrequiredand @bigyellowdusterthey never asked for the overpayment to my mother back. I was not an executor of my mothers estate as she had moved out of the country so it was a few months before my sister (an executor) came over and was able to get hold of her bank statements here and we realised she’d been getting a pension for about six months when we informed them of her death and they stopped. But they never asked for the over payments back.
I lost my DH suddenly when my kids were little. His ex, mother of two adult kids, seemed to think there was a pot of gold buried under the floor boards. She got greedy when the reality was her divorce agreement meant she got as much cash as I did from various investments. She even complained that her own children got a bigger share of the life insurance that should have gone to her! It was enough having to deal with explaining to my four and six year old that there daddy was gone - I didn’t need her threatening to contest the will. As it was I had to sell the house immediately to a house half the size.

The friends who messaged and said don’t feel you have to reply or friends who offered directly such as I’m going shopping, let me know if there’s anything you need. Also the friends who left things without knocking or making me feel like I had to face them. One of the best was my favourite biscuits. Something little but so comforting.

What absolutely didn’t help was the selfish friends (no longer friends) who said they wanted their friend back and put pressure on me. They just wanted me to go back to normal and listen to their shit.

I guess you don’t want to bombard her by keep checking in but just let her know you’re there as and when she’s ready

My dad died five months ago and the thing that’s made it harder has been the fact that despite me having two older siblings, literally all the admin related to the death has fallen to me because they’re both useless. I love them dearly but one is emotionally chaotic and the other just… doesn’t do things and pretends they don’t exist. Add to this the fact that my mother is so utterly and infuriatingly clueless about even the most basic elements of banking, wills and household admin that everything has been 50 times as complicated as necessary. I’m fucking exhausted. I just want some time to actually think about my dad instead of the paperwork.

For me, it was the people who didn’t pretend something awful hadn’t happened. They were prepared to talk about it and ask, often with the caveat if you don’t want to talk about anything, please don’t. But that willingness to go into a space that would potentially be emotional and uncomfortable. And a comfort to talk about the person who has passed away.

when my mother died, someone wrote me the most beautiful letter about losing a motherand I still have that decades later

When my DH died his family were awful. It was our second marriage and his children, sister and large extended family organised that, at the end of the service, instead of congregating in the area the flowers were laid to chat, they were going to his mother's graveside. They did not tell me they planned to do this and, as I was sitting with them, i was left on my own. They all cut me off completely soon afterwards.
The bank, mortgage company, employer etc. were all awful.

In contrast, when my son died, whilst it is a worse loss than any other, everyone has been lovely which has made a lot of difference.

My FIL died in January after a 10 months battle with terminal cancer and a lot of suffering . But my poor gorgeous DH has been unable to grieve as we have been left caring for his stubborn, selfish, aggressive Mum who doesn't seem to be grieving at all. She has Alzheimer's but she wasn't very pleasant before she did sadly. The Alzheimer's has taken most of her and left her worst traits. Every day is drama after drama and she treats him appallingly. I'm very glad he is finally starting to say no to her, and he is putting himself first, and protecting his own mental health. So I'm very sorry to read of everyone else's suffering on this thread. And I want to say to you all, PLEASE put yourself first if it's someone else that's stopping you grieving, cut them out of your life if you have to, but protect yourself so you have time to heal.

A check in via text without a question that needs answered. A virtual shoulder squeeze. A heartfelt message - even if you didn’t know the person who died, you know the person who is grieving so just tell them you are sad they are hurting. Leave some
biscuits/food on their doorstep. Don’t think people don’t want to hear from you. They do. If you knew the person who died, say something about them.

<fist bump> signing in to reserve a special corner of hell for the fucking grave robbers at HMRC.

I am personally responsible for calculating the enormous sum of money my Dad’s estate owes in inheritance tax. Then I have to find the money despite not being allowed to apply for probate until I’ve paid them. Can’t sell shares without probate. It’s a nightmare worthy of a Kafka novel.

When I’ve done all that again, I am responsible for calculating tax on what the estate has earned since and paying that.

When I’ve done that I’ll have to do the tax return to pay them even more in income tax.

And what did my Dad receive in return from our ‘envy of the world’ public services. Two weeks in an NHS hospital that was like a war zone.

It’s so, so hard.

For me it’s the relentlessness of one bereavement on top of another. In the past 9 months I’ve lost a baby at 23 weeks, my mum, my aunt and now discussing hospice for my dad. Everyone keeps saying “I hope you’re being kind to yourself,” well I can’t, I still have to work, parent and keep a very sick parent going. I just wish I had a moment to catch my breath and grieve any one of them as they should be.

@Thingything that’s so kind to ask. For me the best people have just shown up rather than asking generally if there’s anything they can do…cooked food, done childcare, sent cards. Giving solid options (eg I can drop some soup on your doorstep right now, or how about I babysit Sunday evening) is so great, because you aren’t cognitively functioning enough to think about what you need or feel it’s an imposition to ask. And follow through on what’s offered! Someone offered to cook us a casserole when we lost our baby and then just never did it, I’ve not forgotten.

I got one of those. Despite HMRC having been informed by Tell us Once.

But my mum dying leaving hundreds of thousands of pounds of debt and some dodgy investments (and more complications which I won't go into because it would be outing) has been the killer. It's nearly two years since she died and I'm still having to battle with her creditors and all the legal ramifications It's never ending, and I won't see a penny at the end of it.
But I haven't grieved and won't be grieving, because I'm furious with her for leaving me with this nightmare.

My Mum’s partner disappearing off the face of the earth. Her will states some money is supposed to come to my brother and I however her partner is not responding to any communication. I’m not bothered about the money, however there are a few things from my childhood she had in her possession and some earrings I bought for her I’d like for sentimental reasons.

my brother asked for some of her ashes so we could place them somewhere we can visit and be with her but he refused.

My husband died over 4 years ago, and I am still waiting for the inquest.
It will take place this spring, but it’s been terrible waiting all this time, churning everything up and reliving his death.

Work phoned me daily after my mum died asking when I was going back. I couldn't even put my phone on silent due to other calls.
Then refused to let me take the whole day off for her funeral, insisting I worked until 11. They seemed surprised when I handed my notice in.

Yes, of course they did 😔 Been there. Sending a virtual hug and 💪

I can tell you what I would have liked someone to do... leave me chocolate/tea/food on the doorstep. Some check in texts. And a little later in an ideal world (not sure how realistic this is) someone offer to come round and make a tea and offer to do some jobs but with no pressure of a proper visit. And then later still on a nice day someone to say 'can I come and take you for a tea - we can just talk about .... (loved one)'

Yes I agree about the wanting to talk about your loved one with people - I feel I want to talk about my DH & like it when others do. It’s a comfort.

DM that shld read

I'm glad to read this. A friend died suddenly in February and was of course in pieces. Met his Mum and brother at the funeral and his Mum gave me her number (got his brother's from a WhatsApp group set up after the accident). Don't live near them and didn't know them beforehand so didn't know what I could actually do and offered that instead - just talk to me whenever, tell me any stories they want to share etc. I want to hear them anyway!

At the time, normal life having to resume very quickly
Which did help. But I just wanted to hide away for weeks, not have responsibilities

Despite having taken in Mum's death certificate to her dental practice in January, a new payment plan was sent out this month. When I went in to the practice again I was told "Oh, she's no longer on our system - you'll have to contact head office". After a hard stare and silence from me the receptionist offered to phone them for me. I thanked her. Also totally unimpressed with Royal Mail. Sent 2 receipts connected with the estate First Class signed for on the 30th of March (a distance of 140 miles) and they have still not reached the solicitor. Very out of pocket due to this. Please will companies actually act professionally so that I am not pathetically grateful when someone actually does their job properly. Rant over!

The kindest, loveliest, most sympathetic friend of mine after my Mum died was killed six months later in a horrific car crash. DH has never, ever been bereaved. His grandparents all died when he was small or before he was born, and none of his friends have died. His parents are in their late 80s and still going strong. He has no idea of the grief, trauma and sentiments, and can’t empathise. He told me when my Dad died to “get a fucking grip.” When his Mum dies I’m going to be just as unhelpful and unsympathetic as he has been to me.

I’m so sorry for everyone on here. Some of these stories are truly shocking.