If you’re grieving, what has made the process even more difficult?

[Repeatinaboat]

A thread for a space to share / vent / howl into the abyss. For me it’s the way certain relatives are behaving. It’s breaking me.

All the rules around what we could and couldn't do when it came to having a loved one ( well 2 loved ones in my case), die during lockdowns 1&2 in 2020.

Trying to close my dad’s Sky account after he died to be told they would need his password. I explained many times in many phone calls that I was trying to close the account because he had died and there was no tv or house or bank account any longer. I was repeatedly told to ask him the password. Eventually I demanded they tell me how i do that to be told that i could have a seance. (Not sure of the spelling for that). I continued to receive letters threatening bailiffs for months after. Sky you were disgraceful!
I also found that after spending time and energy supporting others through their grief they didn’t want to know when I then began to grieve myself. Have felt completely alone since and that was over twenty years ago.

People saying "oops! I must have alzheimer's" when they forget a tiny thing & thinking that's a joke. When you've seen your mum, aunt & several cousins suffering & die of or with that condition, it's.... I don't know how to describe my fury, disgust, grief etc.

Nearly a year on, still no word from the coroner about the enquiry/inquest (can't remember the right word). No reply when we email. Never answer the phone. Life has returned to "normal" but I'm finding it really hard to move on with it still hanging over us.

It always amazes me how “efficient” public services can be in stopping a benefit immediately - after a miscarriage, the speed at which a letter arrived telling me I wasn’t entitled to free maternity prescriptions was something else.

My inlaws and a couple of other relatives who have all been really selfish and demanding. I'm trying to deal with my grief and sort out my own health problems too, so leave me tf alone please.

Same, I know the friendship has been a little strained recently but to find out my Mum died, send a brief text and then a card 5 days later then nothing? Really??

My sister told me the poem I had picked wasn't one she remembered however, when Mum was dying in hospital, she waited in the carpark as she'd had a long day sorting out the stuff she wanted to take from the flat..

Oh where do I start…
Agreeing to handle the finances and being constantly asked when things are coming.
The way his siblings have behaved towards his partner.
People constantly telling son and step-daughter that dad will ‘always be with them’…
Making sure my son doesn’t fall apart while I hide my true feelings (he was my ex but I still cared about him very much).
Seeing his photo every day.

Myself - It’s been a few months now and I genuinely can’t believe he’s gone and this is life now. I feel like it’s finally started to hit me the past few days and I’m scared that it when it does it won’t stop. I’ve withdrawn from everyone and everything and am putting on a mask for social media and my son because inside I feel broken. I’ve felt grief before but this one is so different I’ve never felt anything like it and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I don’t know where to start.

Three family deaths in less than 8 months. Each one traumatic. Each one affected by the one before.

My brother hasn’t spoken to me for 28 years. He made me invisible in dealing with my father’s death, even when we had to be in the same place. He ignored me and my children at the funeral, turning away when they tried to introduce themselves. He sat in a separate room at the wake. He made other family members cry by walking away from them too.

My mum defended him.

My mum told everyone my dad loved my brother more than me, got what he wanted when she had a boy. Didn’t let me know my father was in hospital the night he died, because it was easier to not have to have a conversation with my brother, that I needed to be there.

Prior to my father dying, my step son died.
My mum couldn’t even send a card, said she couldn’t support us, lied about being ill (when she was out to lunch) to cover her lack of thought. Commented ‘we didn’t really know him’ as part of her justification.

Relationships are not going to recover, we manage.

Getting a letter from the DWP giving me a fine because my Dad forgot to submit his tax return on his death bed in January. I mean, some people like to have bucket lists with terminal, fast progressing cancer but I'm sure a tax return is not one of them.

I could have written your post OP so feel for you. The pain caused by conflicts & the actions of family members is making it unbearably hard for me too. I feel surrounded by toxicity & just want to be around others who feel the same but don’t. So it feels horribly isolating. They don’t have a good word to say about my beloved mum, seem quite happy & have used her unexpected death & the aftermath to try to settle scores & rewrite past grievances to exonerate themselves. There were fractured relationships before she died but when alive myself & her at least had eachother. Now she’s not here & their toxicity is so hard. I’m coping by keeping myself away from them as much as possible. Changing my expectations & realising they don’t have shared positive memories, nor do they want to nor do they have the good grace to try to celebrate & remember our mother. I’m doing daily things that remind me of her & our relationship & trying to separate myself & protect my peace & remember & honour her privately on my own. It’s hard but it’s less painful as they don’t get to tramp all over it & make it about them & their toxicity. Sending solidarity 💐

My ds's inquest has been postponed 4 times. The new date is 20 months after he took his life. Horrendous.

My sister.

Absolved herself of any responsibility for caring for mum, and if she did something, it was done badly. She couldn’t act in mum’s best interest - some serious safeguarding concerns about her.

Her & her mean husband picking over mum’s possessions like vultures, as if it’s “cash in the attic”.

Opted out of being executor but will happily take the money.

I’ve seen a side to her that I cannot un-see, and will never feel the same way again about her. I will have a low-contact relationship with her now.

Comments from people who mean well but don’t know me or the situation well enough to realise what the death has changed in my life as a result- “You’re so strong.” and “It’ll be good to have something to keep you busy.”

Such a silly thing to get het up over but these comments still stick in my head a year on.

Having to put aside your own grief to support someone else in their’s, because without that, they wouldn’t have coped but the lack of awareness, empathy or acknowledgement that you are also grieving can be a hard one to swallow at times.

My DB died by suicide. People never bring him up to me. I hate that.

Not seeing DB when he died. Together with the timeline and nature of his suicide, it has made it more difficult to accept he's gone. My DF died, I was there, got to sit with him after, I knew he was gone, it resonated to my core that he was gone. Not having that with DB has been awful and made the process harder.

Having more questions than answers around his suicide and the timeline of it.

People making assumptions about what you must feel, or what stage you’re at. In my experience, it’s a very agonising, long, and irregular process in terms of you can be taken right back to the start. Equally as the grieving person I think you also need to be very patient and tolerant with other people who just don’t know what you’re thinking or feeling – and often you don’t either

Oh my god. I am so, so sorry.

I personally give you permission to slap anyone who compares the death of a child to the death of a grandparent. Just do it. Slap them.

To anyone on here. Is there anything anyone in your life did well / that helped?

I have a friend who recently lost her husband (who was SUCH a lovely man, they were soulmates) and I'm at a loss other than offering to go round and hang out which she doesn't want to do.

People who showed they cared…however they could.

Contact, even a text. A card.

Most useful were those that helped. A meal left on the doorstep. A couple of pints of milk. A direct offer ‘we are going to the supermarket/taking the dog out/ collecting from school - can we…?

People who were sensitive enough to listen to our needs. If we didn’t need anything or didn't return contact straightaway, that was fine too.

This is a period of shock and nobody knows how they will react. Acceptance! (I look back in horror at some of the decisions I made, yet they seemed appropriate and well talked/though out at the time).

I like the rose bush we were sent, but that wasn’t straight away. I loved the flowers, especially the white roses. I’ve bought more for the garden. I look forward to them flowering. I know that isn’t everyone’s wishes though.

Yes to all this.

Just be there unconditionally. Small gestures even if the person doesn't want to meet. A small gift on the doorstep, a few flowers, a kind word, a reminder that you get it's hard, that you are there for them.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your beloved DD.

I've had a lot of loss but I 100% know that if it was any of my children, nothing, and I mean nothing or nobody would compare to that.

Crying reading all these and remembering somehow surviving grief like this myself. Looking back, it was a fog for years...

I don't know what people did that didn't help, I don't remember but I do know that I wish could envelope all of you in a warm embrace and give you some peace for just a few hours, just a little respite.

Sending you all love and strength. ❤️

After I lost my partner to suicide, my boss said a couple of months later (I went back to work for the company and to keep my brain busy) "you seem ok now" 😞

Bloody Valentine's Day, people sending me pics of jolly things they are doing as a couple all the time, people assuming I am fine when I am not, SIL telling me I should not have had OH buried (his choice) and that she was going to be "burnt" (this at the graveside) ........ I could go on.

Knowing my dad would still be here if he had got the care he deserved; passed from pillar to post at the hospital due to some worrying symptoms on his medical records (after his death we discovered these were my brother's which had been added to the wrong notes - brother had follow up tests and nothing wrong but the symptoms stayed on my dads records), couldn't get doctor's appointments, offered an appointment with a paramedic who missdiagnosed him again causing more hospital delays, it was really a shit show.

Things that really helped, people sharing lovely stories about my dad, people sharing their own stories of losing their dads suddenly. Most importantly, my lovely SIL who was grieving as well but took charge of all the admin leaving me, my brother and my mum to grieve.