The Sunflower Thread for bereaved mummies. For Gareth and Matthew - only a whisper away

[shabster]

Hello my new friends.

Come in, pull up a chair and have a gab

OMG shabster no wonder your head is everywhere. This must be sooo hard for you . i remember worrying that Ross would be like Fraser but he isnt.

how many times on this thread have we proved that life is sooo strange and sooo unpredictable. No -one could have guessed that Lewis would look like his uncle gareth

I hope that one day soon you will be able to smile about the fact that Gareth's genes live on

I hope that one day soon you will be able to smile about the fact that Gareth's genes live on

how is everyone else tonight ... its very quiet

Chegirl

Well done, give yourself a well deserved pat on the back. You are - like the rest of us very strong- but this was still a very brave thing to do.

Billie is very proud of you tonight

sending you a big hug tonight

Well done chegirl - I know that feeling when you spot someone at your childs funeral who you know has had to make a big effort to attend. It is a wonderful warm loving feeling.

FMummy - I am so happy that he is like Gareth - it was just such a shock!!! My twins were very different but I hadn't realised just how different they were. Lewis feels like 'another chance' - another chance to look after, protect, love, adore, teach, kiss, cuddle etc etc

It is just constantly on my mind. I know that he will change in appearance over the weeks and months - think it was him smiling that did it I know that it was wind.......BUT.....thank you Gareth - you have made my heart soar.

All will be well.............

I just think Shabs it is all meant to be. As you know my trio are from donated eggs We did not know the sex until they were born, but we said if there was a little boy the first born boy would be called Thomas Matthew. Well Rebecca was first, baby number two a boy, Thomas Matthew, and number three James. Had James been delivered second he would have been Thomas Matthew and could not have looked more opposite, huge brown eyes and brown wavy hair. Thomas is the image of Matthew, his eyes are identical and so many times I have looked in those eyes and seen them before. When he was born everyone saw it, but I know everyone loves the resemblance. Thomas`s nature is completely opposite which is good, but I feel I have been given Matthew back in a very special way. Lewis will and has brought new life and hope and joy...............Umpah for Lewis!!

Bout time we had a new photo?

I agree darling....my son is so laid back he is horizontal....will work on him tomorrow

shabs our amelia is the double of jayden,she also wiggles her fingers the way her brother did,same red hair and wide nose ,unlike my other two granddaughters,you can see if you look on gonetoosoon web site ,jayden from leeds west yorksxplease take a lookx

Morning girls - Morning Hazy - will have a nosey when I come back from the school run.

Lewis has really 'blown my mind' to be honest. I love it and it is also un-nerving at the same time

Morning all, late dh's friend is still hanging on.... Ive been up since 7 and made a lasagne and a chicken curry, also changed Wilfreds bed as well, busy busy busy!!! Now awaiting the arrival of a tescos delivery!!

Good lord, I know my hormones are rampant, but you lot are still making me cry unnaturally.

You kow when you get drunk and love everybody? Thats how you are all making me feel! I love you all!

Shabs, Lewis is a reminder of the circle of life. Perhaps, in some ways or at some times, a bitter sweet reminder, but a reminder nonetheless. I think it would give me great hope and faith so see such a likeness and to know that, somehow, life goes on. And from what you say, the likeness brings you joy and hapiness so I'm glad for you. xx

Chegirl, well done you for going and for getting through it. The lady who lost her child then came to Billies funeral for you IS you, IYSWIM. And one day, I imagine, that the mum of the girls who's funeral you went to yesterday will do the same for someone else. It is amazing at the time how someone can do something so brave, but then again, who better to know how you are feeling and how much the love and support are appreciated than someone who has been through exactly the same thing. xx

I am the Queen of AD's, for anyone who wants to know! Although I don't actually take my AD's for depression, actually for OCD. When I found out I was pg with Eveny and with Jay, I stopped my drugs immediately. But when we decided to try for number 3 I did my research and was told I'd be OK to carry on. Roll on a miscarriage and my beautiful Eris! When we saw the consultant last month she assured me my prescription had nothing to do with it and it was just coincidence. However, when we went on hols I forget (dippy old moo emoticon) to take my pills with me. Decided to try without them when I got back if I'd been cold turkey for a week already, then found out I'm pg. SO now I'm doubly determined not to take them again (coincidence maybe, but do I really want to take that chance?). ANyway, am now trying the homeopathy and she has suggested I give Reiki a go. Have also told dp that no matter how stroppy or unreasonable I am, he is to be nice to me at all times. No answering back, no opinion....generally no life, poor dp!!!!!

Hope everyone with poorly loved ones is faring well. I think of you every day even if I don't say so.

Woke up about 4am yesterday morning with a song in my head - Wings of Love from Final Fantasy. I listened to it quite a lot for a few weeks after Eris was born but haven't since. And suddenly I wake up far too early singing it in my head. Things like that let me know my little girl is near and sending me a message. Comforting to know she comes to me in the night. And now I've got myself crying - silly FMN!!

I hope this is the right one!

Well FMN we might as well all have a cry

Thank you for your help, as always.

Circle of Life

Now I have made myself cry...... and I still have F-M-N flowering in my back yard

Oh my god - now I have seriously made myself cry that is the first time I have ever listened to the words properly of that song and watched the video. That cub even has the same coloured hair as Lewis -

Thats what we have going on here on Eris' thread Part 2 - A fantastic circle of life.

Wish I had called it that now

Hi Ladies,

What is it with this week? I've been reading everyone's posts but haven't been able to contribute. I had a bit of a wobble the other night (flashbacks to horrible times in hospital with Cole) but I'm feeling back on track now.

Lottie - so sorry to hear about your dh's friend. Such a hard time for everyone.

Shabster - you need to stop being so strong for everyone else and think about yourself some more. Although I guess that mothering trait makes you you

Chegirl - it was so very generous of you to attend the funeral. I wish the family love and peace.

Trips - I hope things are going as well as they can for your dh.

And to all of us, lets raise a glass to a better week next week. And if it isn't a better week, raise a glass to being here for each other.

Hiya Moveit - wise words honey!!

Everybody will be ok - eventually - whatever ok is?

I heard today that dh's friend died yesterday. His grandaughter told me at work today. I just have to tell myself that he is in a better place now.

Oh Lottie. I'm so sorry for your and dh's loss. I'm praying for you guys and his family.

I'm having an ick day. I woke up at 5 am with my lungs burning cause I held my breathe and it hurt. Now I just woke up again at 9:30 am and my allergies have gone nuts and I can't stop sneezing. Our grass pollen is extremely high today and that stuff is nasty.

My package still hasn't arrived in the post from my angel mommy friend. I hope it comes today, I don't want it lost.

I decided to cover up my head today. I do it sometimes on particular bad days. So I chose a pink and cream scarf

Dont be embarassed by this but i lost my husband six years ago. i think i did say earlier my late dh but maybe i forgot. It feels like another part of my dh has gone now as well

A big hug for you Lottie. Now your dh and his best man (that is right isn't it?) can hook up again! What did they used to get up to tohether?

Thats the one Shabs! Strange coming from a cartoon film, but I feel the words (the few that there are!) are really beautiful, as is the melody.

I just realised that I have the same initals as our precious FMN's!!

Iliketo, glad you are feeling back on track, and sorry that you felt off-track in the first place! Any particular reason for hospital flashbacks do you think? Not that you need a reason of course!

Having mentioned boob jobs earlier I thought I would list all the cosmetic surgery I would have done if I had the money and if there was no nipple removal involved!

1. Boob job
2. Minor nose job
3. Botox
4. Teeth whitening
5. Leg extension (I really, really hate being so short!)
6. Liposuction on bum, thighs, hips and belly - just about everywhere in fact!

What would you guys have done? Is there anyone here who would honestly NOT HAVE ANYTHING DONE?

They used to have regular get togethers in the pub with their mates.. i lost count of the amount of times dh would come home for dinner half an hour late and say "oh sorry darling i was just going when so and so came in" or i would ring up and someone would say ...'s just left and i would think oh yeah! He was a fabulous best man and i have the wedding video to remember them both by!

I hate my big boobs (36f) i get fed up with men who say hi to my chest first! I would love to have a boob reduction!

Lottie - so sorry to hear about your dh's friend. Much love to you,Wilf and his family.

FMN - I think I had the flashbacks because I was over tired and couldn't get to sleep. This is when it usually happens.

I too am big of tit, I wouldn't have a reduction though, just a lift. I have also thought about having my teeth whitened. They aren't really yellow, but when you see those Hollywood smiles they just look so fabulous.

If I win the lottery Lottie we will go together, I may even have a bit of lipo while I'm on the table too !!!!

I'm sorry to hear about your DH and now his friend too. Betcha any money you like they are plotting and scheming their next booze up as we speak.

Ali you are looking particularly stunning today in that pink and cream scarf

Can I bounce something of off you ladies please ?

As some of you know my cousin and her husband drowned on honeymoon nearly 10 years ago and there is a surviving cousin.

My cousin has NEVER grieved for the loss of her sister and also just 4 years ago of her mum. She has always had a totally dysfunctional relationship with her dad so cannot go to him for help and anyway, he sees mental illness as a weakness, he is very old school.

She has moved down to Devon and I know it was because she thought that a new environment where people didnt kknow her might make it all go away.

Well it hasn't, she has a 5 yo DD(she had bad PND and had to have the house broken into once, as she had drunk so much she had passed out and they could hear DD crying from their house nextdoor) and her DH recently was working away from home and had an affair.

We speak every now and then and she called me last night. One minute she is incoherent (not through booze I think) and then the next completely calm and clear.

She has mentioned previously about taking her own life but that did not crop up last night. DH does not work and does all childcare but also does very little at home and has told her he does not love her anymore.

I am at a loss as to what I can do. Her Dad has a new girlfriend and she has him wrapped her round her little finger. I do not know her very well but she would be the best person to speak to to get her Dad to part way to understand how ill I think she is, or am I betraying her trust ?

I told her last night she cannot run anymore, it is making her ill and as painful as counselling will be she may just find herself again. How sad, she says she cannot remember who she was before her sister died

She started counselling but did not feel comfortable with the man(this is only in the past year)so has not been back

Where the hell do I go from here ?

You are probably gonna tell me to stand back and watch but just wanted to tell you all to see what you think. If she mentions taking her own life again I would not hesitate in telling someone.

Sorry for long post, you will all be rewarded with a drink of your choice and your very own bowl of nibbles.

The sadest line in your post V was

'she cannot remember who she was before her sister died.'

Sibling bereavement is so very sad...so sad. My son, Dan, went to a child mental health unit for a year after Matt was killed. He slept by the side of my bed on a mattress and held my hand for many months. He was 10 when he lost Matt and 7 months when he lost his twin brother Gareth. He ate his way through severe grief (aided and abeted by me). He lost his way and he lost Danny - he didnt know who he was.

Now I look at him holding his bubba - holding him in the crook of his arm and gently rocking him. I caught him singing Danny boy to him (its Lewis' middle name) and also 'two little boys' a song I always sang to him and his twin. He is whole again....he has a bubba to look after and protect - just like he did with his twin and his little brother. I have seen him sob over the last two weeks and held him like he was my bubba all over again.

V - I have no great advice, but I do think you need someone to help you who has experience of mental health. Especially when suicide is discussed. Maybe talk to your GP and ask what he thinks?

Thanks Shabs, you have been on an emotional rollercoaster and i'm not suprised you feel exhausted tbh. Watching your Dan go through all of what he is must be emotional enough but its probably stirring your emotions and feelings up too. but [happy] IYKWIM

I have been trying to get her to get help for YEARS, and now there is something niggling away at me about her. She is coming up from Devon in a couple of weeks and we are going to meet up during the day, I might get her to come and stay on the Saturday night and maybe we could have a good chat then.

If she lived closer I would take her to the doctors and get her sorted but I dont. I have stood back for all these years and her bizzare behaviour last night is ringing alarm bells for me.

I will wait until she comes up to see her Dad. I am so worried about her, I have spoken to my Mum and she agrees to monitor closely.