The Sunflower Thread for bereaved mummies. For Gareth and Matthew - only a whisper away

[shabster]

Hello my new friends.

Come in, pull up a chair and have a gab

Evening girls - V is not quite right I keep seeing Dawn French starring back in the mirror at me!!

Hope you are all good tonight.

I feel proper cheesed off!!! No idea why. Just down in the dumps. It has been a manic few weeks maybe that is it.

Oh come here you lovely lancashire lass and give us a hug

Silly me, pls excuse last post, thought I was in the sanctuary, well ignore the bits that mean nowt.

I COULDNT FIND YOU!!!

I didnt know how it worked and got lost.

Shabs sorry you dont feel so good

I hope the babies are doing well and getting fat. I like fat babies.

I am afraid I have to go to another funeral tommorow. It is the funeral of a wonderful shining star of a girl. We met her on the ward and she got on really well with my girl. I thought she had made it but that bloody disease got her too. I wish her family so much love and strength at this terrible time but I know there is nothing I can do.
I hope that I do not let her or her family down tommorow. Please wish me strength.

(another mememememe post I am afraid)

To make you smile Shabs,,, i forgot this Wilf story from last weekend! I heard him trundle down the corridor to the loo and back last Friday night, then i got up about an hour later... i am as blind as a bat without my glasses... i opened my door and all i could think is "what the f...k has happened?" There was a trail of loo roll from the bathroom right along the corridor up the landing step along second corridor and into Wilfs bedroom... i can only imagine he got the roll caught in the back of his pj bottoms! Anyways i went backwards winding up the loo roll,,, it looked decidely odd when i rehung it on the stand.
ITS OFFICIAL GIRLS I DONT HAVE AN ANDREX PUPPY I HAVe AN ANDREX WILFRED!!!!!

Sorry you fel low Shabs,I hope your holiday rejuevenates you.
Chegirl...I am sending you strength vibes.Must be sohard for you.x
Lottie...I love th e Andrex Wilfredand your hair looks fab.
Haven't caught up properly yet.Dp away till sat so will try to catch up soon.
Goodnight all.xx

I will be just fine girls - sometimes hit a low point. Wilf is ace. Chegirl - you never strike me as someone who is mememe - never self centered. I love the fact that other bereaved people come on Eris' thread.....but I am also very comfy with our gang.

If it helps just one person that is wonderful....really wonderful. How weird that we 'meet' up with other folk who are feeling sad and then we cheer each other up and it goes in a massive 'Mexican wave' type moment.

I would like to thank each and every one of you who has kept me going over these last few months. I am good at pretending that everything is just fine and dandy BUT the real truth is always out there.

I think this song is about all of us

Ack! I have to catch up! lol Vag (I think) my girls have dark curly hair and blue eyes. Raeden my 2 year old has the darker skin of the two but not as dark as DH.

feedmenow- I'm not offended and I don't mind at all lol

I've been trying to write a letter for Calypso that will go into the bottle into the ocean. I want it to be eloquent (which I am NOT) and telling of my feelings for her. But it's hard.

I had someone ask me yesterday 'what was it like to take your child off of life support'

That was one of the hardest questions I've ever answered. But I put it into words the best I could.

I know ya'll are probably asleep right now. It's almost 12 am but I just needed to get some stuff out there.

This song has gotten a lot of meaning since Cally baby died

It makes me cry but it's so beautiful

I have just a phone call to say that my late dh's best friend hasnt got long to live he's on morphine....am so sad.. i dont want to think that he wont be there anymore. He is such a wonderful man, i know hes been in pain and wants to be with his wife who died in 1992 but he will leave such a large hole when he goes............ sorry to be miserable.

no wonder you are sad Lottie - I think it brings personal bereavements back, all those regrets, the 'if onlys', the 'wish I had dones....'

Hope today is OK for you xx

Oh dear. Lots of sadness today Hope you get through your ebb nice and quickly Shabs. You might be on a bit of a comedown after all the excitement of the last couple of weeks. Dr FMN prescribes a nice break in the sun to a fabby Greek island. Already got one booked?? What a coincidence!

Che, I'm so sad that another child has been taken. It must make you think if Billie even more and all over agin, IYSWIM. I hope the funeral is a beautifual send off.

Lottie, so sorry about dh's bf. I wish him lots of peace.

On a lighter note, at least YOUR puppy is less likely to poop all over your carpet (although I actually typed crapet first!!!) like a real Andrex puppy!

Vag, do you REALLY have beautiful breast? Are you proud of your bazooka's? Mine are blinkin' awful! If it wasn't for the nipple removal/repositioning I'd seriously consider a boob job!

Hi Dooby! Hi to anyone else who is around today!

Hiya FMN - think you hit the nail on the head with the low after the manic few weeks we have had. All will be well.....All will be well

Hi,
Hope you are all ok, Shabs me and you both it seems! I had a panic attack at the hairdressers yesterday and H had to come and get me, still feel shaky today!
Ali, never been to Indiana but would love to! Been all over California, Nevada and Arizona, and twice to Florida! Would go back like a shot, America is awesome as they say!

FMN, they are baggy old bag puss'

Had great tits as a teen and early 20's, 2 kids later and they look like bloodhounds ears........

Have gone grom a 38DD pre-DS's and now a 36G, so hubby very happy with my puppies, but he's the only one !

Lottie. I'm so so very sorry.

Triplets, nothing good to see in Indiana really. I've been having some bad panic attacks lately. I can't even go to the grocers half the time anymore

Lottie, so very sorry about your late DH's best friend - life can be cruel and unfair.

Shabs, sorry you've been a bit down, probably because the last few weeks have been so manic - perhaps you could treat yourself to some new frocks for Rhodes! Will Dan, Emma and Lewis be going on holiday with you? We are probably not going away this year as DH has had so much time off work with his illness and a knee replacement, but we did manage Santorini last August and Boston at Christmas before DH returned to work in January.

Triplets - hope DH has been ok today. How long before the next course?

Dooby - DH's bone marrow test went well, but we have to wait 2 weeks for the all clear, to give them time to do all the tests on it etc. Thanks for asking.

Vag - we have the same size bazookas .

FMN - I also would seriously consider a boob job if it weren't for the nipple repositioning!

Che - Was thinking of you today, hope the funeral wasn't too upsetting for you.

dippymother not only do we have the same size boobs we also have the same name...... thats what my kids call me

Trips, sending you big hugs.

Ali, you too, big bazooka, boobie,
titty-mungous hugs. Are you on any medication to help you ?

Shabs, whereare you ?

Vag- I just started prozac, my last meds didn't do anything for me. So hopefully this prozac will help soon, I'm TIRED of living in constant worry

Ali, I have been on Prozac on and off in the past, pre my DS, but had to stop when I found out I was pregnant with him and then again after I had him.

Suffered with PND after my daughter and the baby blues lasted a bit too long for my HV liking so topped me up with Prozac again.

DH pressured me to stop taking it as a side effect is loss of libido, well I aint got no libido anyway so there aint nuffink to lose is there !!!!

He's yet to work that one out

I hope you find the tablets lift you a bit, just to take the edge of your down times and to help you get out of the house.

What you up to today then ?

LOL thankfully I don't have to worry about libido issues, since Dh has a hands off policy until he's snipped lol.

He wants me to be on it so I can calm down.

I just got the post! I got my two Me To You Bears I ordered, one is an angel bear!! she's soooooooo cute! lol Mail is a big highlight of my day lol

Shabster.. you have picked me up such a lot of times. I am sorry I havent been around the last few days to offer you some words of comfort.

I reckon you have been stressing about the safe arrival of baby lewis. And now he is here .. whether consciously or subconsciously you are thinking about matt and gareth.

Its natural when your emtions have been on such a rollercoater recently for you to feel wiped out and therefore teary.

Dont try to hide from it shabster.. if you need to cry or shout or both then do it. I am here if you want to talk.
And until you feel better (in your own words) one foot in front of the other and dont forget to breathe

Ta Frasersmummy - I appreciate your words.

Think Im going to have to have a talk with my mum. We were all gobsmacked when we saw Lewis for the first time. My twin boys were not identical and had very different personalities. Lewis is like his daddys twin Gareth.....very like him, very, very like him

My mum keeps ringing me on the verge of tears stating the obvious. I kissed his lips as gently as I could last week, he has had a touch of colic so I know it wasnt a 'proper smile.' When I kissed him he made full eye contact with me and smiled. I almost dropped him with shock cause it was Gareth smiling at me....and not a poorly Gareth with blue lips but OMG it was a shock. Every time I see him I have to conciously stop myself from saying out loud...OMG my little lad you have come back.

I have just read this post back and I sound mentally disturbed All will be well and I am putting one foot in front of the other and remembering to breathe. Thanks FrasersM xxxxxx

Im going to be a proper wreck when I look after him full time in a few months when his mummy goes back to work.....LOL I will need a full time carer just for me

Dear Shabs,
My little asher looks so much like billie that it takes my breath away. It is a mixed blessing but on the whole I am glad. But I know that it can be difficult and at some times more than others x

The funeral was beautiful but very very very hard. I found myself at the front of the church in the aisle as it was totally packed. I felt very visable and was terrified I would lose control. I very nearly did but am glad that I did not. It would have been awful to have hysterics. I cannot be inbetween. I am either pretty much detached or completly hysterical. It scared me how close I came. I am glad I went. The wonderful girl's mum was really pleased that I was there and I genuinely felt that it helped her just a tiny bit. I remember that I saw a woman at Billie's funeral who had lost her dear daughter just weeks before. I will never forget that she made the effort to come. It meant so much to me.

I feel very tired now. I just want to hold my children. I want to hold ALL of them.

Love to you all and thinking of you and the struggles you are facing with such courage. x