The Sunflower Thread for bereaved mummies. For Gareth and Matthew - only a whisper away

[shabster]

Hello my new friends.

Come in, pull up a chair and have a gab

I didnt go into labour naturally with Wilf, i had bad pre eclampsia so was induced two weeks early, loads of gel etc nothing doing... so a junior doctor came in with the crochet needle thing and said he was going to try and break my waters and if he couldnt i was having a caeserean! I told him i f...ng wasnt and i wanted my waters broken!
Wilfred then shot out with the aid of ventouse six hours later and weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed over said doctor!

Good for Wilf!!

nah shabs you didnt upset me at all.. please stop apologising. I just said what was in my head at the time.(so it could have been a lot worse

fmn I think there may have been a reason that my consultant didnt tell me

I am not sure if you know this but Fraser didnt grow properly and a dippy midwife didnt see this on my 32 week scan.

so I was having scans every 2 weeks with my consultant with Ross. The plan was that the minute he saw growth slow down or stop he would deliver this baby. Everytime I asked how close I would go to term he would just start singing. Then suddenly just before 36 weeks he said so are you having this baby next week. We were really shocked

He said he was going on holiday from 36+6 to 37+7 and wanted a safe delivery before he left. This could well have been true because he went on holiday 2 days before Fraser died. I dont think he ever forgave himself because he was going to induce me before he went but decided to let me go to term.

The only thing is Ross was a good bit smaller than my consultant had said at 34 weeks, given this and the suddeness of the decision I wonder if he saw it going wrong and didnt want to freak me.

I guess I will never know !!!

I had a lovely gynae David Vasey, he saw me with both boys, he was very kind after Jack died and met us and went through his post mortem with us and he saw me every two weeks with Wilf and he picked up my Pre Eclampsia. He is now retired. He knew me so well. After Wilf was born i had to go back to see him for a problem with my coil he would come out of his room and say " Mrs Smith"... then "Mrs Jones" then " Where are you Charlotte" my poor mum was so embarassed she would hide behind a magazine ! He is a Buddhist and voulunteers for the Nepalese Trust, he promotes better childbirth techniques.. I cant imagine having a baby in a cow shed halfway up Mount Everest!! I sent him a donation for the charity because Wilfs Dad was fascinated by Nepal and The Silk Road

Morning my lovelys. Hope you are all ok?

FMN - had to leave my massive tub of forget me nots at the old house even the removal men couldnt lift the container!! So today we are going to go and buy a beautiful pot we have seen. It is Greek blue, if you know what I mean? My mum and dad are getting us some f-m-n seeds to fill it and we are going to paint on all our childrens names on again. The container is going next to our beautiful rose tree which is aptly called 'Remember me.'

I feel loads better since all our containers and flowers have been sorted out. Not really very green fingered but enjoy gardening.

Hi ladies,
I hope you don't mind me popping in but I'm looking for a little bit of advice...
A friend of mine lost her baby at 25 weeks and delivered her last night. I am going to visit her later in hospital and really want to take a card but have no idea what sort of card I should buy or what I should write in it? I was thinking of naming a star after her beautiful DD - do you think this would be ok?
Sorry again for popping in here but I know you ladies will be full of wonderful advice.
Lots of love and strength to all of you xxxx

Sparkly, so sorry to hear about your friends dd.

If you're not sure what sort of card to get, get a blank one with a generic sort of picture on the front. Let her know you are sorry and that you are there for her.

The naming of a star sounds wonderful. All of us mum's on here agree that the worst thing possible is when people don't acknowledge or remember our dc.

You sound like a true friend

Hi sparkly, Im so sorry for your friends loss. I think your friend will appreciate any card to be honest...there are too many people who bury their heads in the sand when they are in this situation and like Ilikeomoveit says not beiing aknowledged is the worst possible thing.
Ive named a star for my son that was stillborn so I think thats a very sweet jesture and im sure your friend will appreciate it.
Take care. x

Sparkly - dont forget to hug her and let her cry. Loads of people wouldn't touch me after my sons died - as if I had an infectious disease. Dont worry if you join in with the crying.

Encourage her to talk and talk and then talk some more. Just always be there for her. Not just now but in the weeks, months and years to come.

She will 'get better', she will never be the same person but she will eventually smile again.

The star is a lovely thought. xxx

Thank you for responding ladies...it means a lot to me.
I saw her on Tuesday before she delivered her DD and I felt so weak when the silent tears fell on my cheeks but I know I musn't be afraid to cry with her.
I am going to see her this afternoon so I will make sure we do lots of talking and hugging.
xxx

Sparkly has the baby got a name? I just think using her name often is wonderful. I used to love people saying my sons names, right out loud in the middle of the conversation - just seems like they are not forgotten.

Please give her my families love xxx

sparkly there is nothing I can add that the others on here havent already said.. you sound like a really good friend to have.

your friend is going to need a lot of support in the coming months.. please feel free to come back and let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

I can only echo what the others have said....... also it would be nice in future to remember her birthday etc. My best friend rings me every year on Jacks birthday.Funnily enough Wilf was talking about Jack today, he was with his two girl cousins and was asking who was oldest so i said "Daisy then Kit then Meg then you." "Where does Jack come in the list Mummy?" so i told him that Jack was six weeks younger than Meg. Am glad that he feels he can talk about it though!

Sparkly, I love the star idea. It will be beautiful for your friend to be able to look up into the night sky in the weeks, months and years to come and know her beautiful little dd is up there twinkling away.
The others have said it all about remembering. Never think that as time passes she won't still want to talk about her and hear her name.

FM - no, I don't think I did know that about Fraser. Or maybe I did, but just forgot..... Can I ask, if the mwife has picked up on him being small do they/you think anything would have been different? Although mayeb I shouldn't ask.....if I think about whether or not things would have been different with me/us if Eris' size had been picked up on then I'd just open up all the wounds......

Anyway, changing the subject a little. Does anyone here know of anti jkb antibodies? Have been told today that I have them, possibly from transfusion after Eris birth. Have googled and scared myself silly! Am going to start a new thread about if for general MN comment, but thought I'd ask my lovely friends here first.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ6Tbpp52CE
This is the most beautiful song........ id never heard it until last Sunday on Aled Jones on Radio 2.... makes me a bit tearful but the lyrics are lovely.. really thought provoking.

Beautiful song - my Matt used to call him Lionel Richtea but he can reduce me to tears the minute I hear his voice.

Matt used to call Russ Abbott - Ross Baggot and walkie talkies were TALKIE WALKIES

WONDERFUL NEWS MY FRIENDS - My nieces daughter, Beth has been taken out of Intensive Care and put into the High Dependency Unit - Massive improvement in her condition. My niece sounds so relieved...I suppose she is walking the same crappy path all the rest of us are. Although she has her daughter alive Beth will never, ever improve and her life expectancy is very short.

BUT she has something that I think is very precious - she will be able to say 'Goodbye and I love you Beth' I would give my own life to have been able to say that to Matt and Gareth.

Right enough being sad - for now I will raise my glass high to our little fighter Beth....Keep going honey - there should be an Olympic gold medal for my neice and her daughter.

Brilliant newwwwwwwws!! Am so so happy.... nice to have some good news! Wilf had reflexology this afternoon! he tells everyone that Hannah "comes to play with his feet"!!!

shabster thats good news.. sounds like she is a real fighter

Thats wonderful news Shabster.
Did you buy your container? Thats such a lovely idea planting fmn's.

fmn I will take deep breaths be brave and tell you this.

My afp test at 16 weeks came back slightly raised so I was told I would get a scan at 32 weeks to check for growth. Suddenly at 30 weeks they decided it didnt matter so much and said I didnt need a scan. The upshot of this conversation was that dh didnt come with me at 32 weeks. At 32 weeks I mentioned it and they said .. better safe than sorry and I had a scan which dh missed..

The midwife doing the scan was training someone new. The trainee said she couldnt get a measurement around Frasers tummy .. the trainer tried and said she couldnt either because of the way he was lying. She told the trainee if she got head circumference, thigh circumference and length then that would be fine

Turns out Fraser was doing a-symmetrical development which meant the little goodness he was getting from my placenta was going to the brain, heart etc.. not going into weight gain.

If that dippy midwife had got the measurements she was supposed to then they would have delivered Fraser early and he would be with me now.

In subsequent meetings with my consultant he could tell me that she had denied saying any of this and in fact had written a tummy measurement on my notes.

MY consultant kept saying the buck stops with me .. if you are going to be angry with someone.. be angry with me. I never could blame him though. He made his decision based on the crap info she gave him.

So yes I do think if that lazy bitch had done her job right that Fraser would be here with me now. I could still seriously murder this woman.

sorry this is a very long bitter rant .. will shut up now

Frasersmum have a very similar story that I will share with you in the morning. Eris' sunflower thread is the perfect place to share it. Good night my new friends....I appreciate you all very much xxxxx

I dont want to miss anyones bubbas out of my list for the new container. Could every mum please tell me what name they want putting on our new container of forget me nots? I will put anyones on - family members, friends etc etc. Tom painted all the names on for me before so I would like to put any loved ones names on this new container. I love looking at all the names and watching my forget me nots blooming.....night girls, see you all in the morning. xx

Good morning my friends xx

New picture of Lewis on my profile - I keep bursting out laughing every time I look at it!