The Sunflower Thread for bereaved mummies. For Gareth and Matthew - only a whisper away

[shabster]

Hello my new friends.

Come in, pull up a chair and have a gab

Yes, if only life was that simple.

Keep coming back here and posting we will all help you in any way we can. You can say anything here and the mums will understand your emotions and feelings.

Take care darling, Im going to have a gab with my friend Trips on the multiples thread and then I am going to bed.

Welcome home lighthouse - we missed you

hi lighthouse

I know what you mean, we went away for a short break weeks after losing our little boy too.

I remember people asking afterwards if we had a nice holiday and I wanted to say it wasnt a holiday it was just a time to reflect.

When I think back to that holiday I dont actually remember doing anything .. its just a blank. I have pictures of me out and about at wildlife parks, beaches etc.. but all I remember is sitting thinking about and remembering Fraser

I guess what I am trying to say its normal for you to feel the way you do

You have so many firsts to face up to.. this was your first holiday without Noah.. wasnt easy but you did it and seeing as dd had a great time you obviously did it well

another step along this horrid journey we are all on

will stop rambling on now and get to bed

Nite all xxxxxxxxxxx

Just putting my head round the door and checking to see that we are all ok.

Welcome back Lighthouse, I hope to see youa round soon xx

Morning girls - everybody ok?

Hi Shabs,,,,,,, am feeling fine.. felt a little delicate at 4am so had some painkillers and no hangover now!!

clever girl!! xxx

Was a good evening sad start though a young friend of 17 told me that her Nan died on Friday night but she came out with us to try and have a good time so well done her!!

Evening ladies xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hiya girls - good morning girls. Speak later on? xxx

Im supposed to be tidying my house, i have social workers galore arriving tomorrow at 3, cant be bothered though.........
Wilf has to be picked up at 3 too..... speak to you all later all. xxxxxxx

Hi everyone!

Lottie, glad you had a good enough time to necessitate painkillers!

Lighthouse, dp and I went on holiday, just the 2 of us, at the end of May courtesy of my parents (who thought we could do with the break, etc). I'd be sitting there in the sunshine just thinking how I shouldn't be there at all. If Eris hadn't died, we wouldn't be there. We were only there because of what happened. It was strange because we had a nice time, but still in a very, very reflectful and sad way. Going to France last month was harder. That was a holiday we'd planned to take our new baby on. I found it very emotional in bed at night, thinking how she should be sleeping in her crib next to me.

Look, I'm rambling now!

Shabs, was thinking about Trips yesterday for some reason. How is she? And equally as importantly, how is her dh?

Lottie - my friends ds turned 12 on Friday and he is into girls galore! Apparently she was shopping with him and one of his friends at the weekend when her ds was approached by a boy who said his 2 female friends really fancied him and could they have his phone number. They were 14, these girls!! I think my friend finds it a bit of a struggle trying to accept his ongoing growing and maturing!

FMN.......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...... I have enough to put up with now...... Wilf has now discovered sulking.. slamming doors and banging up and down the stairs so that everything that isnt fixed shakes............oh and the two girlfriends as well lol

Any one around? I could do with a hug tonight.....

I'm here FMN>>>>>>>>[HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS]
there we go hope that makes you feel a bit better!!

Oh Lottie! I was just searching active conversations and I found one that I started back in March that has just been restarted. I was asking about Eris' hammock thing. The last post I made on it was after she was gone but before I knew it. It seems like it must have been a differnt me who posted things about my baby, so positive, so confident so sure she would be here. And she was already dead. Only a few hours later I found out. Reading something I wrote then just takes me back there. I hate thinking about that day, about how I carried on not knowing, not noticing she was gone. It makes me miss her so much all over again. I hate feeling like this and knowing that i can't do anything to change it, that I can't go back in time and make it different. How can I have sat here on this chair, typing things about my baby, not even realising that she was dead?

FMN....im so so sorry you found that thread........... I dont know what to say other than try and be positive for the new baby!

FMN - 'how could I let my 7 yr old play out on his bike and be knocked down?' 'how could I not know the morning my Gareth died that I should have kissed him and told him I loved him?' We all carry around 'what ifs' 'if only' 'I wish I had' Dont be so hard on yourself sweetheart.

In a few months when you read back through Eris' thread you will be suprised how far you have come on our rocky road.

Please dont think badly of yourself - you would have done anything you could to save Eris if you had known what was going to happen.

Come here and give us a hug xxxxx
Come on head up, smile stuck on, onwards and upwards. Take care my friend.

I know Shabs. It just came as a real shock to see and read that reminder of the "old" me. I know I've come a long way (a lot of which is to do with you lot!)and for the best part I feel like I trundle along OK. I suppose this is just one of those times that has knocked the wind out of me. It's just a reminder of how close we were and how I obviously thought her safe arrival was a certainty.

I'm obviously on my very own roller coaster tonight - switching between hysterical laughter at some of tonights topics of conversation, and floods of tears at my own misery. Tonight would be one of those nights that I would normally crack open a bottle of plonk and let it all flow...

oh fmn

I am soo sorry. There is nothing I can say that will make you feel any better tonight.

I still cry when I think about going about my day, building a cot etc oblivous to the fact that Fraser was gone.

You are right honey you cant turn back the clock.. and realistically would it help if you could??

you did nothing wrong by typing excitedly about your little girl. Thats what expectant mothers do ..

I am sending you hugs tonight

and I am here if you want to post some more

I hate those kind of nights!!! It does all come flooding back sometimes for me as well - I forget how vulnerable we are and it suddenly hits like a ton of bricks. Sending you all my love and holding you in my heart FMN

feedmenow

its a real positive that you can laugh at some things in between your tears

becoming pregnant again so soon after eris is a real blessing but you are right .. not being able to drown your sorrow is a real bugger

I used to buy iceberg non alcholic wine, when the going got rough I poured it into a wine glass..and pretended it was the real thing

Hiya girls.

Just heard that my lovely nieces little girl has been rushed to intensive care at our local childrens hospital.

Beth is 4 and she has Wolf Hirschhorns syndrome. She is profoundly mentally and physically handicapped. Shelley (her mum) has two boys and two girls under the age of 9 - and has had to come home for a few hours to see to the other children and try to grab a few hours sleep.

Beth started fitting about 2pm yesterday and it was still going on 3 hours later.

Anyone who believes in the power of prayer could they say a prayer for Beth tonight.

Its also the same hospital that was Gareths 'second home.'

hey shabs, I'll say a prayer for beth tonight really hope shes better soon. sending love to her family.
FNM hi I still feel the same when I think back to my baby Jack what if I noticed sooner? why didnt I just ring the MW? I dont know if these questions will ever go away but you just learn to deal with them in a way.
My auntie & uncle gave some money towards a family holiday after I lost Jack and that just turned out to be worse cause the day we got there I had a miscarriage (at 5 weeks) it was only 5 months after losing Jack and It ruined our holiday. but we carried on for the sake of our DS- I think that was the only thing that kept us sane throughout it all. And to make matters worse we suffered mostly in silence as we hadnt told many people I was pregnant again.

thinking of you hun. x (((hugs)))