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Bereavement

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The Sunflower Thread for bereaved mummies. For Gareth and Matthew - only a whisper away

1000 replies

shabster · 12/06/2008 14:30

Hello my new friends.

Come in, pull up a chair and have a gab

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lottiejenkins · 22/07/2008 17:26

Happy Birthday Adrian x

hazygirl · 22/07/2008 19:13

happy birthday adrian and garethx love to you allx

frasersmummy · 22/07/2008 20:04

happy belated birthday adrian

LouiseAnn I am glad you are ok.. please take care of yourself for the next few weeeks..I am praying for a happy outcome for you

dippymother · 22/07/2008 21:44

LouiseAnn - will be thinking of you, not long to go now, hope all goes well.

LouiseAnn · 23/07/2008 00:11

To Shabster, Frasersmummy and Dippymother - thank you for the good wishes.

While I was in hospital it was the first anniversary of James' death. That was a bit weird, but ok. It seemed to be worse that lots of people remembered. We got 9 cards which was lovely. But it seemed to put pressure on us to be upset. I sound very ungrateful.

I really should go to bed now. I haven't been up this late for a long time.

shabster · 23/07/2008 00:18

I know exactly what you mean Louise. Just my lovely SIL sent me a card this year for the 26th anniversary of Gareths death. Oh god I hate that word.....we call it 'remember day' in our house. So many mixed emotions. I am at peace with Gareths death....we couldn't have done more to keep him with us. Now if only I could feel that way about Matt - 16 years after his passing I cant come to terms with it.

Life is so difficult...but new babies bring new hope. This year has been our 'turn around year.' Good things keep happening and I am still in shock when they do

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feedmenow · 23/07/2008 13:39

Just a quickie!

Sorry to have missed important times for everyone - hard times, worrying times and memories.

Am on a course today and just logging on quickly at lunchtime so can't hang about.

LA, take it easy my love. Does your little bot have a name yet?

Shabs, glad the move is going well! You sound ever so organised, only 4 boxes left to unpack! We've been in our house over 3 years and STILL have more than 4 boxes left to unpack!

Will try and come back later today or tomorrow for a proper catch up.

Love to all.xx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 23/07/2008 15:04

Hi all, I've been looking after my niece and nephew for the past few days, so I haven't had a chance to check in.

I've read all the posts and sens my love to all of us here and all who are just a heartbeat away from us.

I've got a big week coming up, will explain further in due course xx

frasersmummy · 23/07/2008 22:02

Louise Anne

I dont think you are ungrateful at all. I do think its nice that others remembered and tried to show their love and support but I dont know how I would have reacted to that number of cards.

Its understandable that you feel weird, you are excited and worried about this pregnancy, and you are grieving for James at the same time

please dont be hard on yourself..

take care

frasersmummy · 23/07/2008 22:15

Shabster... want to talk about Matt??

I dont want to say the wrong thing but given the wording of your post I am guessing that you feel you could prevented matt from being knocked down..

I really hope you are not beating yourself... thinking this for all these years

If I am completley wrong or you dont want to talk about it then please feel free to tell me to bog off.

shabster · 24/07/2008 00:21

FM - I would love to talk about Matt but....today my fourthborn Thomas is 11. My lovely suprise, my another chance.

Thank you for asking me to talk about Matt.....xxxxx

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shabster · 24/07/2008 00:23

FM I will come back and talk I PROMISE - loosing Matt was mind blowing and the weirdest thing that ever happened. xx

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shabster · 24/07/2008 09:42

Morning girls - tommy got me up at 5.30am opened his cards and pressies and then went back to sleep

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hazygirl · 24/07/2008 14:52

happy birthday tom x11 is wonderful age,i remember my son at that age everything is funny.ny son is in london cutting trees down this weekxxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 24/07/2008 18:53

Happy Birthday Tom

shabster · 24/07/2008 19:02

Thank you ladies - Tommy is enjoying this attention!!!

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lottiejenkins · 24/07/2008 21:58

Happy Birthday Tom!!! Mummy2 and i went to see Mama Mia tonight, we got the last two seats in the showing! Was bloody good though who told PB he could sing??? Shocking.... truly terrible singing voice... though i have to say if he turned up at my door and said "were you expecting me?" id drag him in and never let him out again

shabster · 25/07/2008 11:11

Morning ladies. Everybody ok?

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feedmenow · 25/07/2008 19:12

Lottie, I saw Mamma Mia on Wednesday. Went with my mum and dd1. Me and mum were in stitches - someo f the dance numbers were just hilarious!!!

I feel like I've missed a lot recently, but am having a bit of a sh*tty time myself. Only really realised today that I'm feeling somewhat withdrawn - from here and from RL. I feel so negative about this pregnancy that I wonder if my withdrawal is my sub conscious preparing for the worse and trying to protect me. Have my 12week scan in a week so maybe then I'll either get the outcome I'm expecting or I'll start to feel a bit more positive.

Shabs, don't know what you said about Matt but I would like to hear his "story" too if and when you think it is a good time.
Sorry I missed Tom's birthday yesterday. Hope he had a fabby day! Blimey, is that your youngest off to secondary school in September?

Ilike - tell us about your big week ahead....

A bloke came into work today and asked about the baby. He's the first person who didn't already know. I thought I was prepared for when I would be asked, but I wasn't. I went outside and cried after I can't believe it's taken 4.5 months for me to come across someone who hadn't already heard.... I guess that's a result of my family and friends protecting me and making sure everyone knew.

My friends are running their half-marathon on Sunday for Sands. They make me laugh - you should see what they've written about themselves on their justgiving page - in fact, have a look - www.justgiving.com/steveandross
This is not a ploy to try and get people to make donations - as you will see they are raising plenty without any input from me!!

And I have finally got around to organising for my children to do a 1.7mile walk on 17th August (for the Why 17? campaign...) Funny how doing positive things actually makes me sad.

shabster · 26/07/2008 10:34

Morning girls xx

FMN Yes that is my youngest off to Secondary school - strange feeling!

Dan and Gareth are 26, Matt is 24 and Tom is 11.

Matt - what can I say about him? When I see sunflowers he is instantly in my mind. He brought the sunshine into a room. He was number and letter dyslexic and couldn't care less. His speech was late but he was hysterically funny. His teacher said 'Matt will never be top of the class BUT he is loving, comical, a big hit with the girls and he will find his path in life with no trouble.' He had a 'girlfriend' when he was in reception at school called Rebecca. He would say 'OOOhhh Mam I wuv Webecca, she has wovwey wed wips and wed wibbons in her hair - and I have kissed webecca cause I just wov her!!.'

She never, ever forgets his birthday or his remember day - she texted me in Greece to say I cant believe he has been gone for 16 years I miss him so much.

Thats enough for one morning - Im making myself feel sad never mind anyone else

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frasersmummy · 26/07/2008 12:28

fmn I think these feelings have less to do with this pregnancy that you think

I think this more to do with life moving on very fast around you and you quite rightly not being ready to move on. Its been less than 5 months since you last your darling
eris. You have a lot of grieving still to do. I fell pregnant as quickly after Fraser as you did after Eris and found there was an expectation that I would move on and be happy becaue I was expecting again. Like you i withdrew from this pressure. Though I did come out of my shell to yell at people that this pregnancy didnt make up for losing Fraser and that although I was excited about this baby I was still sad about Fraser.

I didnt really feel any better after 12 week scan. I felt better after 24 weeks..my rationale was that up till 24 weeks the pregnancy was in the lap of the gods and they had taken one child away from me. After this point I knew the baby could be delivered and hsopital could do such much to help them survive if they had to

I hope this helps a litte

frasersmummy · 26/07/2008 12:32

shabster I dont know what to say.. except I am deeply sorry for you

I cant imagine watching my boy grow up so far and then have him taken away...

I am sending you hugs..

I am here to listen anytime you want to talk about Matt

feedmenow · 26/07/2008 15:28

Thanks FM. It's so nice to have people who have "been there, done that" who can hold my hand as I find my way through this. I think you could well be right. Maybe it is less to do with the pregnancy than I think. I wonder as well about my medication. Because they also act as an AD I think they stabilise all feelings so I wonder if I really felt all that I would have felt when she first died, IYSWIM? But now I'm not taking them, my emotions are actually doing what they want (and need?) to do.

Shabs, it is so truly lovely that Rebecca still remembers. That sounds to me like she will remember him with love for the rest of her life. He really must have been a special boy.

Did anyone get a chance to look at my friends website? Their personal details bit just make me chuckle every time I read them...

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 26/07/2008 19:36

Well the week ahead consists of dp and I getting married and Cole's 2nd birthday. We've decided to get married on his birthday as it was, is and always will be a day to celebrate - it's the day we met our little man for the first time. But by god it's going to be a hard day with so many mixed emotions.

We're having a quiet ceremony with just our immediate family present, then a bbq afterwards with our family and close friends.

FMN - I have never suffered from depression, but your comment regarding AD's reminds me of a comment my friend once made. AD's have a place in treatment, however they can mask emotions, and if you don't deal with the problem it will never go away. I'm sorry that sounds a bit crass, but I hope you can see what I'm getting at.

9 months on I still feel removed from people, even my closest friends and family. I shy away from large gatherings and people who I don't know very well, and I think that's because I'm always waiting for someone to say something about Cole. It's still early days for you too, so I'm not surprised you are feeling the way you do.

shabster · 26/07/2008 19:44

Move it - how truly wonderful - and what a special day to get married on - so excited for you. We must have a sunflower thread virtual hen night for you.

It is the perfect day to get married on - awwwwww x

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