The Sunflower Thread for bereaved mummies. For Gareth and Matthew - only a whisper away

[shabster]

Hello my new friends.

Come in, pull up a chair and have a gab

I remember when Jack died at Christmas having a quiet few minutes with my niece who was 6 weeks old then. I will always treasure that memory....

hello Madhouse, I'm glad you posted here.

I would echo what the others have said and just make yourself available if needed. You don't need to say much. Don't hide your children, but don't go on about them if you see what I mean. Talk about her lost little boy, don't let him be forgotten.

Try and see what support she needs. This will differ day to day. Just ask her if she wants to be alone, if she needs a chat, if she wants to go out for a meal, if she needs help with cooking or housework.

Morning girls. Morning Madhouse welcome to a wonderful group of mums, aunties, grans etc etc. All making the same crappy journey but having each other to rely on and to advise.

Cant resist coming checking on everyone even though I am in Rhodes on holiday. Need to make sure everybody is ok.

Speak later, take care everyone xxxxx

Hi everyone - I'm ba-ack!!!

Madhouse - so sorry to hear what is going on in your family. Your poor neice The fact that you are asking the questions and being open on here says to me that you are probably already doing the right thing. You sound very thoughtful and caring. xx

I have come back from my hols in a bit of a pickle. I found it to be a very, very emotional time, I think because it was going to be our first holiday with Eris. I'd go to bed and lie there thinking how she should be there in the room with me. Got back about 8pm Saturday, had dinner and went up to bed and looked through all her things - her blanket, her scan pictures, all the cards we got after she died. Absolutely bawled my eyes out to the point where I actually couldn't breathe.

Am feeling in such a quandry about this pregnancy. There is a part of me that really feels like I don't care cos this baby won't be Eris. Was it you Ilike, who said that you felt at one point that you'd sacrifice this baby at the drop of a hat....? It seems such a hard, uncaring, unmaternal thing to say, but I would make the swap if I could. What if that feeling doesn't change and I resent this baby forever? Or what if something goes wrong with this pregnancy and it's only then that I realise that I did care afterall - when it is too late?

I had same feelings when I was having Matt (after Gareth) and Tom (after Matt and Gareth) it is a scary time. I took Tom to the childrens heart unit over and over again when he was born. I am sure they were sick of me - but i didn't care.

Dont be too hard on yourself love - calm, deep breathing and nice thoughts.

Everything for a reason.

FMN - WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IS TOTALLY NORMAL. YOUR MIND PLAYS TRICKS ON ITSELF AND YOUR HEART DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH ALL THOSE EMOTIONS.

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Welcome back FMN.

A few months ago I re-read the sympathy cards we received after Cole died, and I have told myself I won't do it again for a long time. Like you I was a total snotty hyperventilating mess afterwards and it didn't make me feel any better.

Yes it was me who said I felt like I would have sacrificed this baby to have Cole back. I'm happy to say I don't feel like this anymore. I have corresponded with another MN'er who has been in a similar position to us and she has made me realise that this baby isn't a replacement. He's Cole's little brother, a person in his own right. It took me a few months to realise this - and many a distraught conversation with my dp and MW.

I realised I was focusing too much on the if's, but's and maybe's, instead of the positives - iyswim.

If you would like to send me an email greensj @ waterswood co uk (taking away the spaces and adding the . as necessary!) please feel free.

Sending you lots of hugs xx

We had the memorial for my late dh's best friend today. We did it exactly as he would have wanted. It was a very sad day but i know in my heart of hearts that if he'd have been there himself he would have had a hell of a day!

hey shabster..hope you are having a nice holiday

welcome back fmn. I did suffer from these kind of feelings but not till after Ross was born. I remember clearly when I couldnt get him to settle one day resenting him and thinking I wouldnt be having this bad a day if Fraser was here.

Butlike every obstacle along this horrid road you will get past this and although Eris will always be missing you will have a new life to look after. He/she will never replace Eris but it does give you someone wonderful to cuddle

Hi guys

I am sorry about the length of this but hoping that you can help me out.

As you know we lost Fraser just over 4 years ago and his wee brother Ross has just turned 3.

When we go to Frasers grave we say we are going to see Fraser and take Ross with us.

In the last few weeks he has started saying the angels made him and all his little friends so I tried to help him understand by saying Fraser is with the angels. To which I got the question .. where are the angels. up above the clouds in heaven where you cant see them

then he asked.. how did Fraser get up there.

So we told him that we had put fraser in his garden as a wee boy and then the angels came and took him away and made him an angel

cue lots of screaming and saying "I want him back in his garden"

This has been ongoing for a few days and then last night to try and calm him we tried to explain that the angels only took his spirit.. easier said than done

he is now under the impression that the his body is still in his garden but his cheeky noisy bit that should be inside him has now become an angel

any advice on what I can do to make this easier for Ross would be much appreciated. What did everyone else tell their kids ??

Theres a lovely book called Pip and the edge of Heaven,..,
would really recomend that
www.amazon.co.uk/Pip-Edge-Heaven-Elizabeth-Liddle/dp/0745947212/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=12155 15724&sr=8-2

Lottie, glad the memorial went well. If he would have enjoyed it himself, then I think that is a very good sign!

Shabs - hope you are having a lovely time!

FM - I don't envy you this one. Not going to be easy. You obviously know Ross best and know how much he can cope with/understand but is there any chance you could back track and give him the bare facts? My son was 4 when my Nanny died and we told him that her body wasn't well enough to live but that her soul lives on in everyone around her and in our hearts and memories. In fact, this is pretty much what we've told both of them about death whenever it has been relevant. I've found that this covers the physical side of things and part of the emotional, and gives them the opportunity to question you further as they get older. Although I've obviously never had to try and of it with a 3 year old before! Good luck, however you tackle it!

Just thought I'd let you all know that we went for a private scan today at the hosiptal ew go to for our NHS scans. Chatting to the sonographer while she was putting our payment through and told her we'd lost Eris and had a miscarriage before that and she asked why we were paying for a private scan - told her it was for our own reassurance. She said she couldn't take a payment and ripped it up! I felt really moved by that and was close to tears.
Anyway, she thinks I am about a week further on than the last sonographer (although still a week less than I had originally thought) so I am happier with that. Only 24 days to go til the first "proper" scan.

Ilike - thank you. How long do you reckon it took for you to get to the stage where you could look at it in a positive way though? I really hope I'll be there one day - although I think the difference for me is that we were never going to have any more after Eris. I know I've said it before, but in my mind that means that this one IS a replacement - we're replacing our third, but dead, child for (hopefully!) a third LIVING child. I know it will be our fourth, but it is a fourth that we wouldn't be having if we had our third IYSWIM? Oh, all so confusing...

fmn jayden is my grandson even though hes gone he will be always my third grandchild ,my first grandson, however many more grandchildren i will have xxits hard i know ,this baby isnt a replacement its a brother or sisterxx

Ladies, my neice tried to take her own life lastnight. She is OK and at my SIL, but took a lot of tablets. I feel so for her. She thinks she has no reason for living

Am so sorry to hear about your niece. She must feel so low. I hope she knows how much everyone loves her. Its seven years today since my dh died. Have just been out and had a pint and raised my glass to him, seems strange to have his best friends memorial service the day before the anniversary of his death.

thanks lottie and fmn .. I like the words his soul lives on in everyone around him and in our hearts and memories. I think I will try that when he gets a little older. That book looks absolutlely perfect I think I will buy that.

fmn our plan was only ever to have one child so I completely understand what you are saying about feeling like you are replacing Eris.

But nothing or nobody will ever be able to replace your darling Eris in your heart or in your family for that matter

when your new little one comes along you will find you have room in your heart for all 4 children...

I know how hard it is right now .. just take it one day at a time .. baby steps fmn baby steps

aww madhouse I dont know what to say.. your poor niece is obviously going to need a lot more support than everyone thought

perhaps in the very short term you need to try and keep her busy so she doesnt have time to work herself up into this state .

I don't really have a place butting in on this thread ladies, so many apologies and I'll leave you quickly.

FMN - Not sure if you remember me, but I was on the March 08 board with you. I think about you and Eris and your family a lot and I was just having a look to see how you were doing. I just wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy, and I hope everything goes wonderfully well for you and your family. Take care xx

HQ - yes I remember you! I hope you pop back and see that I got your message, thank you so much for your thoughts. I sometimes sneak into your ante natal thread and have a peek at how you are all doing, but it isn't my place to post, sadly. Hope you are doing well?

Oh goodness, only saw HQ's post and not yours Madhouse about your neice. I'm so, so sorry to hear that. The poor sweetheart must be so devastated to have reached that place. Where is she now? Who is caring for her? My thoughts are with you all....

FM - thank you, I don't think I knew that you'd only planned on Ross. That makes me feel a bit better - if you can do it I can too!

And Hazy - thank you for your comment too.

I don't think I should be on here today - I've just read some of the other threads in Bereavement and am feeling rather emotional - perhaps I will steer clear for the rest of the day in order to prevent floods of tears!

Lots of love to everyone today. xx

Goodmorning everyone,
My darling Matthew will be 29 today, thats 15 birthdays now without him. Feel so empty, feel as though we should be doing something for him, we have flowers for the cemetery and its pouring with rain After 14 years I still feel so angry inside, angry for him, all the things he was on the brink of doing, the year he lost his puppy fat, the year he had just started going off with his friends, oh its not fair is it? All my love to all of you who I know feel the same, its so heartbreaking, always will be. xxxx

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on for a while as I've had a horrible few weeks.

My DH has been admitted to hospital once again as his Leukaemia has returned with a vengeance. I feel so annoyed that this dreadful disease has got hold again and that we have to start again from square one with chemo etc. The hospital now want to do a bone marrow transplant but will need to find a donor from the national register, as his two brothers were not a match. I feel that life has dealt us a crap deal but I'm trying to stay positive for DH and the kids, but its hard. DH actually had a bone marrow test only 3 weeks ago which was completely clear and no-one can tell us what can trigger it off. Sorry to ramble on but in need of some support if anyone is out there.

Thanks ladie

My Neice is staying with my SIL, who is a fantastic lady. She is going to see that she receives some help that she needs. Her and her partner are just at odds at the moment, greif just tears things up and makes people say things sometimes.

Triplets - I just wanted to say . Life is hard