Do you ever get over losing your mum?

[ClottedcreamClara]

I do need to start by saying that I appreciate not every one is fortunate to have had a good relationship with their mother and there are far worse types of grief than getting into your 50's and losing a parent in their 80's but.....

...I am struggling with the knowledge that I will (most probably) lose my mum in the near future. Until 2018 she was in ok health then developed Alzheimer's, it is now is quite an advanced state, she has probably had it for around 10 years so I can not see she can carry on for much longer and tbh, we don't want her suffering anymore.

She already has some heart issues, is bent over with osteoporosis, last year was diagnosed with breast cancer (controlled with drugs) and this summer sustained a nasty neck fracture following a fall and has just recovered from a nasty chest infection but she still hangs on.

I have always been very close to my mum (as I am with my own dd), even though she is quite an advanced state of dementia she always knows my name and she smiles every time I visit (I am there several times a week). It has broken my heart into many pieces knowing she has a disease which has chipped away her very being bit by bit, year after year.

Realistically, we lost her a year or two ago, as is normal with this awful disease so I am in this weird half state of stop/start anticipatory grief but I am not sure that I will ever truly get over losing her once she is gone for good. I know most people never truly get over the grief of someone they loved very much, I suppose it's a bit like an injury which never fully heals, you push on and learn to live with it but it is always there in the background and the more you think about it the more you feel it's pain?

Mum was very close to her mother and even though my Nan died in 1991 when mum was 48 she has always shed a tear on a regular basis for her. Even yesterday she was very teary and when I hugged her she said to me 'She was lovely, wasn't she?'. Mum very rarely strings more than a couple of words together these days but I know she was referring to Nan.

If you have sadly lost your mum and was fortunate to have a good relationship with her how have you coped with the grief?

I lost my Mum in my mid 30s and she truly was my best friend and I was lucky to have a great relationship with my parents and was still living at home (had bought on my own but swapped poverty for parents) when she died, at home. I miss her every day but grief is not a boulder that hits me, but tiny pebbles of memory. I cope because she taught me too, I remember what she gave me, the laughs, the wisdom... and remember she is always a part of me.

I lost my Mum very recently (last month), so it’s too soon to really answer your question. We too were close.

What I wanted to share is that I was talking to a therapist the other day, about the fact that after three really awful weeks I suddenly felt much brighter. She said people who had a good relationship with their parents do sometimes find that happens, as they have a foundation of happiness and safety taught and learned over many years.

So whenever it happens, you will be incredibly sad, but there will be moments of brightness too.

I lost my Mum 4 years ago, very suddenly and it broke my world into a million pieces. She was my best friend and we were very close. I was only talking to her the day before and she was happy and laughing and so full of fun.

It hurts like hell to begin with but I had to be strong for my DD's who were teenagers at the time and who loved their Nanny so very much. And for my dear Dad who had just lost the love of his life and was feeling broken and lost.

Over time, the pain lessens, and the devastation and pain that you feel that takes your breath away and physically hurts gets replaced with a lightness and an extreme gratefulness that SHE was my mum. That I was lucky enough to have had this wonderful woman as my Mother, my friend and my role model and an amazing Nanny to my girls. I look at photos of her now and I smile as I remember her. The memories and life lessons she taught me are with me everyday.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I have been low for one reason or another and I have longed for a hug that only a Mum can give and had shed a tear or two. The pangs return for a brief moment or two, but they fade again and I pick myself up and go on.

You don't ever really get over it as such, because life changes forever, but you do learn to live alongside it and it no longer defines you.

I go on with my life and live it to the full as much as I can because I know that is what my Mum would want for me.

I lost my Mum 42 years ago, I was young.
It's been a gap in my life, and I would have liked a Mum to be there, not least when I got married and when my children were born.
However. You come to terms with it. I often think about her and have told my children about her, so in that sense she lives on.
So I think that you will grieve, there will be a gap in your life, but you will come to terms with it and life does go on.
💐

I lost mine 7 years ago and I think the answer is not really, you just learn to live with it. Mine had been ill before she passed away so she took up a lot of head space which took a long time to move on from.

I've had good family and maternal memories which has helped.

Excellent post

It’ll be 8 years in January and I’m finding it tougher this year, we’ve had 4 more losses in the family the last 3 years and with each one, it’s one less person around who knew mum and this year I’m really feeling the gap all the more.

Yes, I think that other losses compound it. My mum's only sister died recently and it really affected me.

I think you’re really lucky, in some ways, if you’re devastated. And your mums are so lucky to have been so loved. I’m not sure how I’ll feel.

I lost my mum 2 years ago and her story was not wholly dissimilar to your mum's. Her dementia was very advanced and, to be honest, her death was a relief. In reality, I'd lost her about 7 years before she died.
You're already doing the grieving so you may find it's not overwhelming when she goes. I was at peace with my mum's death immediately. It was time. Yes, there was some sadness, but I was lucky to have herwell into my fifties. I have wonderful, hilarious memories of her and those are what come to mind when I think of her.

I lost my mum in my early 30s, I'm mid 40s now. I've never 'got over it' in the sense that I still miss her very much. I didn't have my daughter till 40, and being a mum without a mum to talk to has been very hard, as is knowing she never met my daughter, she didn't see me get married etc. She died at Christmas and the run up to Christmas is hard, nothing is ever quite the same and the loss is always there.

That said, I live a happy life - I'm not as grief stricken as I was back then. I think of her with fondness and a smile often, and I feel lucky to have had such a wonderful mum. I still feel connected in lots of little ways. It's taken a long time to get there.

I'd lost both my parents (technically 4 parents, real and the ones who went on to bring me up) by 32. In some ways I'm almost relieved I'm through it, though I'd have of course loved to have had my mum for longer. I look at my DH, or even friends, who still have both their parents and I feel envious but also a bit like 'shit you don't know what you've got coming' - I'm actually scared of going through it all with DH when the time comes, he's led a somewhat sheltered life and doesn't really have the emotional resilience I feel like I had to build up young. That's probably twisted of me to think about, but that's what it does to you!

I lost mine in 2012 - she had cancer and was continually misdiagnosed by a useless and incompetent GP who I'd have had in court if my dad hadn't refused to take it further. I still miss her a lot, but the grief isn't raw any more - I just feel more sadness than anything, and often think 'oh mum would have loved that' or 'I wish I could tell mum that'. It's a grief that sits quietly in the background now.

I remember reading something that said when someone you love dies they take a piece of you with them and leave a little of themselves behind, and I think that's true - you're never quite the same again, but they leave the love and the memories, and you hold close to those.

That's a long time. Sounds heart breaking. At least you are still recognised. Similar thing happened to me, it felt like I lost one person, gained another that was an echo of the former. Some days I wasn't recognised. Luckily I was met with an underlying warmth, I assumed that percolated through from their general being and our previous relationship. Then I lost them relatively recently. With all bereavements my head finds it difficult to come to terms with. It certainly lingers for me. Over a decade for one, and I still dream about them, and in part what happened. Even if it's not thoughts during the day, it gets me at night. It somewhat surprises me.

I worry a lot about this. I’m single and although my DC love me and look out for me, it’s really only my mum that really takes care of me and checks in etc.
shes 79 soon and it’s started to sink in that she won’t be around forever.

Just try to take enjoyment from the times you are together. Don't get bogged down by small stuff, and just appreciate having her around. I really hope that it's for a long time yet.

I think if you have a good relationship with your parents you never fully get over loosing them, regardless of what age you are when they die.

My gran died when my mum was in her 50's. She always said she never got over it but instead adjusted to her mum not being around. Small things like going into card shops she found difficult for over a decade.

My mum died when I was in my mid 30's. It's been a few years now and I feel I totally understand what my mum was talking about now. Jewellery stalls at craft fairs I find difficult as I often picked up something for my mum from them. But as the years go on I am finding I can manage my grief to be more positive than wallowing so to speak. Sharing memories of her with others helps me.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum who obviously meant a lot to you,
I'd have loved to have that sort of relationship with my mother but sadly I didn't,

I lost my mum 5 years ago this summer, when I was 32. I don't think you "get over" it, I think you just learn to live with it. The grief goes from being awful and painful to a sort of bitter sweet feeling. We were very close and I miss her every day, but it doesn't stop me in my tracks very often any more.

I have had both my children since she died, being a mum without a mum (as someone cleverly put it up thread) is very hard. I have a million new questions for her and it's heartbreaking that she will never know my children. I recently heard that as a girl baby, you have all your eggs already when you are a fetus inside your mum- so in a way, she knew and contributed to my two children. I am thinking on that a lot lately and finding it comforting.

The bit you are in now is the worst, really, anticipating the pain you'll feel. My mum died after a short and brutal illness so I kinda can relate but not to the length of your experience. I think that as much as you'll miss her, the awful waiting bit is perhaps the worst, fearing how you'll cope. When it happens, you don't have that wondering any more? Perhaps that's just me!

I lost my mother earlier this year. I missed her so much this week. Not sure why. I don't think I want to get over her death as she was the absolute best. I will learn to live with the hole.

My mum died two years ago at 65, three months after being diagnosed with cancer and I cared for her until the end. Ive dealt with it alot better than I thought I would, to be honest. Obviously I still miss her, but it doesn't dominate my whole life. Death is a part of life and you just need to get on with it and be thankful you had them. I've always been really independant though and was never reliant on her for anything, so I think that has helped.

I have no advice but feel your pain. I'm a decade behind but knowing her time is starting to count down is sometimes at the back of my mind. I look at it as the cruel price you pay for love. I wonder how I will cope with life, how I will pull through. But people do, perhaps nature gets us through and we can compartmentalise the heartbreaking loss one the raw early months of grief subside just a little xxx

I lost my mum when I was 18, its been 26 years and no, I dont think you ever get over losing your mum, especially if you had a good relationship. Something I heard was the grief doesnt get smaller but your life gets larger so it doesnt hurt as much, I still have moments now where I wish she was still around, to see who I grew into being.

Yes, you do heal. It took me about a decade, though to feel true happiness again.

I lost my mum on Christmas Eve, 2009 age 65. My dad had died 2 years before that (64) also at Christmas. I smile now when I think of them and I spot them occasionally in my children (a mannerism, facial expression or something they say).

My children were very young at the time and I am grateful they got to meet them but sad they didn't see their grandchildren grow into the amazing young adults they are now.

Hugs to everyone.

I’m sorry you are in this difficult stage of life. 💐

In answer to your question: no, many of us never really ‘get over’ it. You get through it, in that you survive the worst of the grief in the first couple of years. You somehow manage to keep getting out of bed and going about your day. There will likely be deep sorrow and despair, rage and fear. Those emotions can change quickly. Grieving can feel like you’re losing your mind a little bit. Over time the grief changes. It is always there but it becomes less raw, less sharp. But there will always be times when something happens and the only person you really want to tell is your mum. And times when you’re low and the only person you really want to comfort you is your mum. My mum not getting to see my children as teenagers and young adults still hurts.

I lost my Mum 13 years ago when I was 35. She was an excellent mum and a special person. She had dozens of friends and was very well-liked. She was one of a kind.

Today is her birthday and she would have been 78. I miss her very much.

I am so sorry you lost your mum at such a young age.

'Grief doesn't get smaller but your life gets larger' is a great way of framing it. My life has been very small and very focused around mum and her illness over the last few years. Hopefully, when the time comes and I do lose her for the final time then my life will start to grow a little more and I will be able to remember the better days I had with mum.