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Original poster

Do you ever get over losing your mum?

95 replies

ClottedcreamClara · 19/12/2025 09:33

I do need to start by saying that I appreciate not every one is fortunate to have had a good relationship with their mother and there are far worse types of grief than getting into your 50's and losing a parent in their 80's but.....

...I am struggling with the knowledge that I will (most probably) lose my mum in the near future. Until 2018 she was in ok health then developed Alzheimer's, it is now is quite an advanced state, she has probably had it for around 10 years so I can not see she can carry on for much longer and tbh, we don't want her suffering anymore.

She already has some heart issues, is bent over with osteoporosis, last year was diagnosed with breast cancer (controlled with drugs) and this summer sustained a nasty neck fracture following a fall and has just recovered from a nasty chest infection but she still hangs on.

I have always been very close to my mum (as I am with my own dd), even though she is quite an advanced state of dementia she always knows my name and she smiles every time I visit (I am there several times a week). It has broken my heart into many pieces knowing she has a disease which has chipped away her very being bit by bit, year after year.

Realistically, we lost her a year or two ago, as is normal with this awful disease so I am in this weird half state of stop/start anticipatory grief but I am not sure that I will ever truly get over losing her once she is gone for good. I know most people never truly get over the grief of someone they loved very much, I suppose it's a bit like an injury which never fully heals, you push on and learn to live with it but it is always there in the background and the more you think about it the more you feel it's pain?

Mum was very close to her mother and even though my Nan died in 1991 when mum was 48 she has always shed a tear on a regular basis for her. Even yesterday she was very teary and when I hugged her she said to me 'She was lovely, wasn't she?'. Mum very rarely strings more than a couple of words together these days but I know she was referring to Nan.

If you have sadly lost your mum and was fortunate to have a good relationship with her how have you coped with the grief?

OP posts:
Original poster
ClottedcreamClara · 19/12/2025 14:28

CutePixieGirl · 19/12/2025 13:13

Yes, you do heal. It took me about a decade, though to feel true happiness again.

I lost my mum on Christmas Eve, 2009 age 65. My dad had died 2 years before that (64) also at Christmas. I smile now when I think of them and I spot them occasionally in my children (a mannerism, facial expression or something they say).

My children were very young at the time and I am grateful they got to meet them but sad they didn't see their grandchildren grow into the amazing young adults they are now.

Hugs to everyone.

I am so sorry you lost both of your parents at Christmas time, we lost mum's mum on Christmas too and it does make this time of year a little harder as you inevitably think about them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClottedcreamClara · 19/12/2025 14:29

Thank you all for your replies.

I am so sorry for all of your losses, especially those who lost their mums at such a young age.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClottedcreamClara · 19/12/2025 14:30

Waitingfordoggo · 19/12/2025 13:29

I’m sorry you are in this difficult stage of life. 💐

In answer to your question: no, many of us never really ‘get over’ it. You get through it, in that you survive the worst of the grief in the first couple of years. You somehow manage to keep getting out of bed and going about your day. There will likely be deep sorrow and despair, rage and fear. Those emotions can change quickly. Grieving can feel like you’re losing your mind a little bit. Over time the grief changes. It is always there but it becomes less raw, less sharp. But there will always be times when something happens and the only person you really want to tell is your mum. And times when you’re low and the only person you really want to comfort you is your mum. My mum not getting to see my children as teenagers and young adults still hurts.

I lost my Mum 13 years ago when I was 35. She was an excellent mum and a special person. She had dozens of friends and was very well-liked. She was one of a kind.

Today is her birthday and she would have been 78. I miss her very much.

❤

OP posts:
Randomchat · 19/12/2025 14:33

What I wanted to share is that I was talking to a therapist the other day, about the fact that after three really awful weeks I suddenly felt much brighter. She said people who had a good relationship with their parents do sometimes find that happens, as they have a foundation of happiness and safety taught and learned over many years

That's a comforting thought for those of us who have (or had) strong relationships with their parents

BruFord · 19/12/2025 14:40

I’m sorry that your Mym is so unwell. 💐

To answer your question, yes, you do get over their loss, but obviously you never forget them. I’m 51 and lost my Mum in my mid-20’s. The first six months were awful and I’d say that it took two years to get over the grief. Then the sadness started lifting and since then, I’ve thought of her with fondness, but not sadness. I wish she could’ve met her grandchildren though.

You’ll get through this @ClottedcreamClara , be kind to yourself. 💐

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 19/12/2025 14:41

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I lost my mother nine years ago today, and my father earlier this year.

I wouldn't say I'm at all over losing my mother. I often have pangs of deep pain that she never met my children, or just even want to tell her things. But the grief doesn't dominate my life like it did when it was fresh.

Dementia truly is a long goodbye though. You've grieved, you are still grieving, and you will doubtless grieve more. After the initial shock and the practical work of dealing with a loved ones death, life can be a little easier when the caring/ visiting responsibilities/worries are over. Deep sadness of course, but it's easier to grieve, and to do the things that are comforting, when you're no longer in the midst of being a carer.

Ponderingwindow · 19/12/2025 14:44

I lost my mother about 8 years ago. There is a time when the grief is overwhelming. Then a time when it hits randomly and takes you right back to that incapacitation for a few minutes or hours. Eventually, it gets easier and remembering her will bring happiness and not sadness.

there are still moments where I really wish I had my mother. Mostly when my dc has a milestone event or is going through something big. I wish she was there to see the moment or just to talk with to get her advice.

She doesn’t get to see the amazing young adults her grandchildren are becoming and that is the hardest part for me. She loved her grandchildren so much.

WinterBerry40 · 19/12/2025 14:53

12 years now since my mum died and even longer for my dad.
I don't think you ever " get over it " but little by little you learn how to cope / carry on .
Even just recently I was having a generally bad day and found myself having a big sob wishing she was around and I could have a hug and a chat over a cuppa .

porridgeforbrekkie · 19/12/2025 15:58

I lost my mum suddenly 5 years ago. She had a minor procedure, rang me to say she was recovering from the sedation - 1 hour later she went into cardiac arrest and was gone. Utterly inconceivable at the time - my whole world was thrown into orbit.

In the early days, I’d go to a private place and just howl and weep till I felt like there was nothing left. In time, that rawness eased and though I think about her nearly every day, it’s just a part of me and not the howling sadness that it was at the beginning. We laugh about her now, how mortified she’d have been to know she died while in a backless hospital gown (she loved to dress up!) but it’s ok, the feelings of loss are an occasional sadness but more than manageable.

You’re going through anticipatory grief now but when the time does come for your mum, one day you will be ok again.

Plantymcplantface · 19/12/2025 17:06

I agree with @AgnesX you never get over it but you do learn to live with it.

My mum was my closest heart for so long, we lost her in 2019. But I had her for 43 years and she has left so many wonderful memories, stories, legacy and my children are so like her. It’s a club nobody wants to join. Sending you love and strength x

DemonsandMosquitoes · 19/12/2025 18:31

My mum was killed in a car accident at 69. There one day and gone the next. I’d already lost my dad when he was 54. That was nine years ago and you do get over it. It’s the thought of what she’s missing with her GC that gets me the most.

Thehorticuluralhussie · 19/12/2025 18:33

No, you don’t and, kindly, I don’t believe that getting over it is really the right way to look at it.
My mum died when I was 31 (I’m nearly 70 now) and my first child was born 7 months later which is still a source of grief.
I needed her then and it was so hard, but that daughter looked very much like her at 6 months and still does. You will always see your mum in your DC, maybe not all the time, but she’s always going to be in your life and the pain will lessen until something triggers it and you’re briefly poleaxed.
I’m very sorry for your situation.

PotatoBreadForTheWin · 19/12/2025 20:25

chocolateforthewin · 19/12/2025 13:05

I lost my mum when I was 18, its been 26 years and no, I dont think you ever get over losing your mum, especially if you had a good relationship. Something I heard was the grief doesnt get smaller but your life gets larger so it doesnt hurt as much, I still have moments now where I wish she was still around, to see who I grew into being.

My experience is very similar. Lost my mum as a teenager, 25 years ago this year. I don’t feel like I’ve ever gotten over it, but I have learned to go on. I still miss her desperately sometimes. Life is different without her but it’s normal for me now.

Holidaywoes12 · 20/12/2025 17:38

ClottedcreamClara · 19/12/2025 09:33

I do need to start by saying that I appreciate not every one is fortunate to have had a good relationship with their mother and there are far worse types of grief than getting into your 50's and losing a parent in their 80's but.....

...I am struggling with the knowledge that I will (most probably) lose my mum in the near future. Until 2018 she was in ok health then developed Alzheimer's, it is now is quite an advanced state, she has probably had it for around 10 years so I can not see she can carry on for much longer and tbh, we don't want her suffering anymore.

She already has some heart issues, is bent over with osteoporosis, last year was diagnosed with breast cancer (controlled with drugs) and this summer sustained a nasty neck fracture following a fall and has just recovered from a nasty chest infection but she still hangs on.

I have always been very close to my mum (as I am with my own dd), even though she is quite an advanced state of dementia she always knows my name and she smiles every time I visit (I am there several times a week). It has broken my heart into many pieces knowing she has a disease which has chipped away her very being bit by bit, year after year.

Realistically, we lost her a year or two ago, as is normal with this awful disease so I am in this weird half state of stop/start anticipatory grief but I am not sure that I will ever truly get over losing her once she is gone for good. I know most people never truly get over the grief of someone they loved very much, I suppose it's a bit like an injury which never fully heals, you push on and learn to live with it but it is always there in the background and the more you think about it the more you feel it's pain?

Mum was very close to her mother and even though my Nan died in 1991 when mum was 48 she has always shed a tear on a regular basis for her. Even yesterday she was very teary and when I hugged her she said to me 'She was lovely, wasn't she?'. Mum very rarely strings more than a couple of words together these days but I know she was referring to Nan.

If you have sadly lost your mum and was fortunate to have a good relationship with her how have you coped with the grief?

I lost my mum at 20, I am 33 now and miss her every single day. I have got engaged, married and 2 wonderful babies since her passing and honestly as the years go by i realise just how much of a special human being she was. I am yet to find a woman as kind, as non-judgmental, as wise and as strong as she. I have lived my life for her, all her traditions, kindness, easy-going-ness but still the ability to stand her ground I have tried to live by. I am devastated that my children never got to know such an amazing person. My MIL is a difficult woman and I made the mistake of holding her up to the same standard as my mother, but she could never come close! I miss her terribly.

HeadyLamarr · 20/12/2025 17:47

It's not so much "get over" as "get through".

It's been a few years now. Occasionally I forget and go to ring her to tell her something I know she'd laugh about. That's a bit of a punch to the gut.

I think it changed me, I'm not quite who I was before I lost her. But now I can remember the things that made me laugh and honestly, fully laugh without the pain of loss. As th old Jewish phrase goes, "May her memory be a blessing." It wasn't for the first year, it was too painful. But it's a great blessing now.

It's also helped me let go of grievances because, hey, we're not here forever so let's focus on what's important.

My condolences on your loss, and to all those sharing their grief on this thread. May all your mothers' memories be blessings to you in time

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 20/12/2025 17:56

I lost my mum nearly 3 years ago. It happened very quickly, she went into hospital and died a week later.
I was an only child and she lived with us so it was very hard for me.
I can say that the initial pain is horrendous but that it eases with time. However I still get times when that pain hits and the feeling is still as strong. It’s just that over time you get to live without her and it’s ok.
I still think about her all the time and I cry when that pain hits but I can now think of her with happiness too.
Dementia is such a cruel disease and I have heard people say it is like losing your loved one twice.
It will be a tough time for you but you will be ok and there will be a time when you can look back at the good times without pain.
Take care xxx

LoyalGreenOtter · 20/12/2025 18:03

There is no hierarchy of grief so no one can say there are worse types of grief than losing a mother in your middle age - I’m feeling the same as you. The fear of losing my parents is very, very great

CheshireCat1 · 20/12/2025 18:04

I lost my Mum this year, she didn’t have a very good quality of life at the end. Similar to you we started grieving before she went, but it was still a shock at the time. It was peaceful when she died and I know that she’s now happy with my Dad and her parents and siblings.
As a family we talk about her quite a bit, she is always in my thoughts, so I really feel as though she’s still with me. We sometimes laugh when we talk about her because she was so funny, completely one of a kind, she was just lovely.
I think it helped having no regrets about our relationship, we were and still are a very close family. Mostly when I think of my Mum it’s with happiness.
Sometimes we find the strength when we need it the most.

TiredNic · 20/12/2025 18:19

Lost mine just over a year ago. No idea she was sick and then she was told she had stage 4. After that all very quick. Miss her dreadfully and some days can picture her so vividly it doesn’t seem real. In my mid fifties so feel lucky I had her for so long but still miss her so much that sometimes it physically hurts. Have a busy busy job, lovely memories and a wonderful child and partner all of which really helps.

Julimia · 20/12/2025 18:25

I don't think you ever get over it but you do get round it. It will be 30years in January since I lost mine (just grew up with me and her) . She comes into my mind most days and i often think 'oh, I wish I could tell my mum..... '
So sorry for what you sre going through.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 20/12/2025 18:49

I lost my mum two years ago. I was 44.

My grief is always there but some days are harder than others and i do cry over her a lot at times. Overall I'm grateful for the memories and I carry a sense of her and who she was within me.

BruFord · 20/12/2025 18:51

Julimia · 20/12/2025 18:25

I don't think you ever get over it but you do get round it. It will be 30years in January since I lost mine (just grew up with me and her) . She comes into my mind most days and i often think 'oh, I wish I could tell my mum..... '
So sorry for what you sre going through.

That’s a good wound putting it @Julimia.
You get around it and learn to live without them.

INeedAnotherAlibi · 20/12/2025 18:59

My Mum died when I was 27 (she was early 50s) from an aggressive cancer. It felt very quick and was tough on all of us. It’s been 18 years now and we still miss her. No-one can ever fill that gap. I still wish I could tell her things. She never got to meet her grandchildren. I live with it. I don’t dwell on it or cry every day..but yes I miss her every day.
Watching a loved one deteriorate with long-term health problems and frailty, especially dementia, is a different kind of grief. You’re grieving, to some extent, while they’re still alive. I found, with one relative (obviously not my Mum), there was a sense of relief when she passed and was at peace.
Someone said about growing around grief. I like the analogy linked here

INeedAnotherAlibi · 20/12/2025 19:00

https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/
Link failed

AquaForce · 20/12/2025 19:16

My parents are both in their 80s. I can't imagine the pain that is to come. This thread has made me cry and I wish all of you the best.

I will join this club soon. Now every year when they ask what I want for Christmas, in my head I just think, ''I want another Christmas with you next year'' ❤